​For the last few weeks we have been exploring the importance of the caregiver taking good care of themselves.  Self-care is always a challenge.  We are far more likely to focus on taking care of others.  We may see self-care as selfish, narcissistic, too much trouble, or simply a needless bother.  We dismiss and disregard our needs and stay busy taking care of someone else.
 
However, there may come a point where the dismissal of our needs may become more difficult.  We may have exhausted our resources in self-care and cannot continue.  At that point we may start playing the Blame Game. 
 
“I would not be in this position …
…If they (the patient) would have taken better care of themselves.” 
…If I had just had a little help from my sisters or brothers.”
…If our healthcare system really cared about our well-being.”
 
In short, when we have disregarded our self-care and have reached the end of our rope it is anyone else’s fault but our own.   Our health has suffered because we stopped eating right, getting exercise, or going to the doctor.  Our money may run out because we have been living on savings in order to be with Mom full-time.  We may feel lonely and isolated because we have stopped making contact with our friends.   We now have no reason to get out of bed because Mom and Dad have died and we have no one left to focus on.  The blame game becomes our only refuge from the emptiness in our soul.
 
Being a Caregiver is a gift!  To be able to care for our Mom or Dad as age and infirmity take their toll can be a life changing experience.  It can reacquaint us with parents who have become strangers to us.  It can open our hearts and minds to ourselves in ways that are unique and deeply enriching.  It can help us find a deeper meaning and purpose for our lives.  It can show us that we are an essential part of the “Circle of Life.”
 
But, like any other gift, caregiving must be received and used responsibly.  We must keep it in perspective and not allow it to swallow who we are.  We must recognize when it is taking over and be able to step back and rediscover ourselves apart from our caregiving.  It means staying in touch with our needs and doing what is necessary to address them. 
 
Stay in touch with your care-giving as a gift to you and your loved one.   The blessings it offers will continue to arrive each day.
 
Blessed caregiving, my friends.
 
Bob

 
The Gift of Caregiving
 
Caregiving as a Spiritual Gift

​To some extent, all of us are captives to our past.  There are moments and memories that limit what we say, think, and do.  For the most part, the boundaries that grow from our past allows us to get on with our lives.  We discover that we can choose our boundaries and limitations by learning from our experience.  This is the first step toward self-discipline. 
 
However, there are some moments and memories that set boundaries that are not really chosen.  They are imposed!  A painful memory can prevent us from reaching out to some people or exploring some parts of our lives.  Difficult memories, especially those that lay beneath our consciousness can prevent us from choosing to what to say, do, or think.  If they remain unexamined, these boundaries will make us captive to unseen “jailers.”
 
There is one irrefutable fact, our past cannot be changed.  But, we do not have to be lifelong victims of that past.  At some point we have to accept that what happened, happened!  By taking responsibility for our past and learning from it we can begin the process of liberation and begin to move on! 
 
If you are not in control of your boundaries and tend to blame your parents or significant events in your past, I encourage you to seek the freedom that is yours just because you are alive.  Begin to liberate yourself from the chains of oppression by getting to know yourself and allowing yourself to learn from and move on from your past.  Become free enough to live in your present so that your future unfolds as it should.

​My sailing and boating friends tend to look at life as a journey through a body of water with shallow shoals, challenging rapids, or mysterious storms and currents.  How have you managed the shoals and storms during your life’s journey?
 
Spend some time laying out a map of your life, identifying those events and memories that seem most influential.  Recognize the lines of thoughts and insights that tend to grow out of them and connect them.  Allow your autobiography to appear on your life map.  If there are mysterious gaps or missing passages of time, these may indicate memories to be explored and uncovered. 
 
Self-knowledge, self-exploration is the greatest journey anyone can make.  The  reward is a better relationship with yourself and the world you share with the rest of us.  Happy sailing!

Stop Being a Victim of Your Past
 
Letting Go of the Past
 
Living in Your Present
​

​Many people who regularly overthink do not see it as a problem.  They simply see it as thorough planning.  They ignore the anxiety and call it energy.  They ignore the redundant redundancy and call it security.  They ignore the wasted time and resources and call it an investment in success.    Good planning may involve extra energy, some redundancy, and investment of a little more time and resources.  But when these exceed the reasonable and take away from the experience you are planning, they become signs of overthinking.  Overthinking is not a virtue, it is a habit.
 
However, we all do it from time to time.  Some do it more frequently.  As long as we can recognize the signs of overthinking, we can step back.  However, if you are unable to distinguish overthinking from good planning, guess what?  You have developed a full-blown case of habitual overthinking.
 
Overthinking generally grows out of anxiety or a feeling of vulnerability.  We are trying to protect ourselves from something.  It may be the dangers of the road or from failure or any number of other fears.  We attempt to compensate for our fears by developing layer upon layer of strategies.  Regardless of how complicated our planning becomes it can generally be traced to a small number of anxieties that are driving the feeling of being vulnerable.
 
If you suspect that you are overthinking your life and making yourself miserable, then explore reasons why you feel so vulnerable.  You may not know or be able to identify the source of your feelings.  It is likely that while you cannot see them, those around can.  Do not be discouraged.  Find a trusted friend to help you.  Look and listen to yourself through their eyes and words.  They can help you see the very things that you have been hiding from yourself.  
 
One of the primary ways that we take care of ourselves is by accepting responsibility for ourselves and finding a way to deal with our struggles.  Find a trusted friend to help you.

​If you do not have a trusted friend who can help you look for your vulnerabilities, you may want to consider a spiritual director.
 
What is Spiritual Direction?  Liz Budd Ellmann, a former director of Spiritual Directors International (SDI) writes:
 
"Spiritual direction explores a deeper relationship with the spiritual aspect of being human. Simply put, spiritual direction is helping people tell their sacred stories every day.
 
Spiritual direction has emerged in many contexts using language specific to particular cultural and spiritual traditions. Describing spiritual direction requires putting words to a process of fostering a transcendent experience that lies beyond all names and yet the experience longs to be articulated and made concrete in everyday living. It is easier to describe what spiritual direction does than what spiritual direction is. Our role is not to define spiritual direction, but to describe the experience.
 
Spiritual direction helps us learn how to live in peace, with compassion, promoting justice, as humble servants of that which lies beyond all names."
 
The SDI website (see the link below) has a great deal of information about the practice of Spiritual Direction.  It is important to realize that Spiritual Direction is available for the religious and the non-religious.  It is open to people of all faiths and to people of no faith.  It only requires an openness to explore the inner journey where we can come to know and care for ourselves.
 
If you do not have a Spiritual Director but would like to talk with several to see if any of them may be able to help you, follow this link to a Seek and Find Guide.
 
Enjoy the journey!

The Dangers of Overthinking
 
Overthinking at The Root of All Your Problems
 
Spiritual Directors International
 

​Accountability for our Self-Care during Family Gatherings
Like any human endeavor, being part of a family is not a simple matter.  The relationships that are involved in family life can be very complicated and bring both great joy and challenge. 
 
At the holidays, families tend to get together more frequently.  These gathering can add to the stress that may already be present.  By taking responsibility for our self-care during these holiday gatherings, we can, at the very least, avoid being hurt.  But, hopefully we will be able to enjoy our being together with those people who have been with us since the beginning (or close to it!”)
 
May we enjoy our family gatherings as a renewal of the relationships that have helped shape us into who we are.

To accept responsibility for our self-care during the holiday season, especially when the family comes together, I encourage you to do three simple things.
 

• Be honest with yourself and about your family!
• Expect the best from one another!
• Protect yourself if things go awry!

 
Thank you for joining me in this exercise in self-care.  I hope you will continue with me in 2018 as we explore ways to grow our capacity for love and trust, joy and hope in our lives.
 
Have a wonderful New Year!
​
Holiday Blessings, Bob

​For the last few weeks we have been exploring how to take care of ourselves when the Seasons in life change.  We have explored the vulnerability of hope, the need to adapt our thinking to new situations and circumstances, and the importance of being realistic about our physical limitations.  Be warned.  Each of these tips are meaningless if we are incapable of truly knowing ourselves.
 
Plato quotes his teacher, Socrates, “Do thy own work.  Know thyself.”  This idea was so important to the people of Greece that they inscribed it on the Temple of Apollo in Delphi.  However, most of us do not know ourselves very well.  We like to believe that we are self-healing, thick-skinned, and emotionally invulnerable.  But the truth is generally far different. 
 
We try not to look too closely to the blemishes in the mind or the soul.  We avert our attention when we encounter an image of ourselves that is at odds with our self-image.  We seek shelter in our own preconceptions when an unflattering image of ourself appears in the responses of those around us.  We submerge uncomfortable emotions in a sea of denial.  We not only do not know ourselves all that well, we avoid any encounters with the stranger that lives within our body, mind, and soul.
 
Unfortunately, when the seasons change in our lives we become exposed to the self that is just beneath the surface.  We cannot avoid the person that appears in the moment when we are struggling to keep our control.  The hidden self emerges with emotions and actions that surprise us.  Our usual ways of coping are incapable of controlling this stranger that has taken over our life.  Once this occurs it is very difficult to regain our footing.  There is little we can do until the “comfortable” self re-emerges.  Therefore, it is vital that we strive to know ourselves before the seasons begin to change, because the seasons will change.  We will be affected.  If we are better able to “Know Thyself” we will be more prepared to accept the changes and take care for ourselves.

Develop the courage to Know Thyself – Do not let a fear of the truth deter you from getting to know your hidden self.
 
You have been through it before. Remember your history, it has much to teach you.  And remember that you are not the same person you were before.  If it turned out badly the last time is no indication that you will see similar results this time.
 
You are not alone.  Having support and using it re very different creatures.  Allow yourself to open up and receive the help from those who love you and have your best interest at heart.
 
You will survive, but give yourself time to hurt.  Healing takes time.  Do not bury the hurt.  Let it work its way out through your life.
 
But most of all, take this moment of change to grow in understanding and appreciation of yourself.  In these moments when our hidden self appears, get to know that person and learn to live with them.
 
Enjoy the seasons of your life!
 
Spring passes and one remembers one's innocence.
Summer passes and one remembers one's exuberance.
Autumn passes and one remembers one's reverence.
Winter passes and one remembers one's perseverance. 
― Yoko Ono
​

The Shadow Self
 
Shadow Boxing
 
Through the Seasons of Life

​Do you remember when you got your Driver’s License?  For me, that was a day of liberation.  I felt that I have taken a major step toward being a grown-up.  I felt that I had arrived when my Mom allowed me to buy a car.  I was 16 years old and had the whole world at my feet.  All I needed was a little gasoline (at $.29 a gallon) and a map.  I could go anywhere at any time.  And then came the lessons in responsibility!  I will not bore you with the details but we all had to learn to drive responsibly.
 
The same needs to be said about tiger riding.  You see, tiger riding can be intoxicating!  It is a form of stress addiction.  We like the feel of dopamine flowing through our system.  That is why it is called the “feel good” chemical.  When we are riding the tiger, we congratulate ourselves on handling “adult responsibilities” and ignoring the damage we may be doing to our body, mind, and soul.  In extreme addictions, we may even invent tigers to ride just to get the legal rush of chemicals along with the ego boost.  And, if we fall off, we can bandage our bruised ego by saying, “I gave it my best.  I tried.”  Indeed, tiger riding can be very, very intoxicating and dangerous.
 
This is precisely why we need to be responsible in our tiger riding.  Using the new driver example, we need to recognize that we have control over the car/tiger and that bad driving will have negative consequences.  We need to discipline our driving/riding so that we can choose how well we drive.  If you drive/ride a crowded freeway you have likely encountered people do not drive responsibly.  They take unnecessary risks that endanger themselves and others.  They do not have a reasonable discipline over their emotions or their driving skills.  They ignore the rules and complain about those who do. 
 
When we are addicted to the ride, we ignore the reasonable consequences of our actions.  We allow the ride to dictate how we respond to situations.  We may not even be aware of the dangers we are facing.  All we know is that we are on a tiger and, if we were honest, enjoying it! We are driven by our need to stay on that Tiger at all costs.  Note: we are driven by, rather than driving our tiger!
 
For most teenagers, it will take an accident or two to get their attention.  Grown-ups also have to have an accident or two while tiger riding before we start accepting responsibility. A mild heart attack, the loss of a job we really liked, or the loss of a significant relationship can get our attention.  Sometimes we learn and sometimes we don’t.  And sometimes we do not have the opportunity to learn just as some teenagers never have the opportunity to grow-up.  Be responsible in riding your tigers.

​For me, responsible has an alternate spelling that can prove helpful, response-able.  When you find yourself feeling overwhelmed by too many tasks and too little time, be honest with yourself.  Did you create this or did this happen beyond your control? 
 
Not having the ability to say “No” to requests can put us on the back of a tiger.  Not being aware of our limits or boundaries will also land us on a galloping tiger.  Being more concerned with how others think about us than about our own health and well-being is an express lane to a tiger ride.  If boredom during downtime leads you to filling up the hole in your day with projects, you have just climbed on the back of the tiger.  In each of these situations, you have the power to choose.  You are able to respond.  You are response-able.  But only if you ride responsibly!
 
I encourage you to acknowledge your power over the tiger.  I will close this series on self-care while riding the tiger with the words of Yoda.  When it comes to accepting responsibility for our rides “Do or do not.  There is no try.”

Are You Addicted to Stress?
 
Addicted to Stress?  Try Emotions Anonymous
 
Link to my book Journey of a Lifetime

​Aloneness is a part of the human experience.  In fact, it is a very valuable part of our lives.  It offers us a great opportunity for self-care. 
 
In our “alone times” we can get to know the person who has been with us from the beginning.  In aloneness, we can sort out the stuff that is purely for public consumption and see ourselves for who and what we are.  Without an audience, we can take off the mask and wig, strip down to our bear being and sit in the sunshine of the moment.  We can learn about ourselves; how we have grown and evolved over the years.  We can come to know and enjoy who we have become.
 
This can be an awakening to our lives.  It is an essential part of growing into the fullness of life.  Many people are very fearful of making this journey because of the risk that it offers to their self-concept.  However, without the journey we are trapped in our public self, while disregarding the private self.  We need an audience to confirm that we are playing our character correctly.  We rely on the public smile to hide the sadness within.  We pray the make-up will make the flaws in our lives disappear.  But aloneness (without loneliness) leads to an awakening, we can step off the stage and retire to the dressing room. There we rediscover the beautiful person that exists under the make-up and costumes.  We do not have to hide our flaws or peculiarities.  We can recognize and celebrate our uniqueness.  We wake up to ourselves.  We can now relax into our lives, free from fear, shame, or despair.
 
After awakening, we no longer have to defend our public image.  We are realistic with ourselves and are better equipped to love and trust those around us.  We are better able to find joy in each moment and hope for a future that is still unfolding.  Take the time that you need for being alone with yourself.  In those moments, you will find the touchstone of self-care, a meaningful and positive relationship with yourself.

​Judgment is a natural part of our lives.  As hunter-gatherers, we had to decide whether a food was good or bad, healthy or unhealthy, tasty or disgusting.  As part of large and complex social structures, we have to make similar judgments about those around us and the situations that present themselves each day.  We struggle to fit in to our families and other networks.  To do so, we make harsh judgments about our appearance, our beliefs, our values, and our public persona.  Judgment is part of who we are.
 
However, to be able to relax into our lives in solitude, I encourage you to suspend that need to judge and discern about yourself.  Simply accept who you are within the safety of your aloneness.
 
This will allow you to become more present to yourself.  Presence allows us to accept the “what” and eventually the “who” about ourselves.  Does this mean you need to inflict the hurtful parts of yourself on the world?  No, it simply means that you are aware of them and know when to step back from unleashing the tigers.  It allows us greater choice in showing ourselves to the world because we have a greater range of self to share.  It also allows us a more balance view of ourselves, knowing that there are flaws but there is also incredible beauty.  But most importantly, relaxing into ourselves will allow for more room in our inner lives for growth by accepting ourselves as we are rather than how we “need” to be or how others want us to be.
 
Learn to listen to yourself without judgment and you will find it must easier to love yourself which is the beginning of the journey to genuine self-care.

Why an Awakening?
 
A Story of Self-Discovery
 
Inner-Bonding

​In the world of business, it is relatively easy to measure success.  There is a bottom line that calculates all the plusses and minuses until you end up with a number that is either positive or negative.  If you have more money at the end of the month you succeeded.  If not, then you failed.  It would be very helpful if our lives had a bottom line.  It would tell us when we are making progress and when we have fallen behind.  There is one.  And, it can be applied to having a good vacation.  What is the bottom line?  How do we know we have had a good vacation?
 
Life is good when we feel ourselves being drawn into a deeper and more meaningful relationship with the people around us, as well as with ourselves.  It is also good when we find that we can move through difficult situations with enough bounce or resilience to learn and grow.  I believe we are healthiest in body, mind, and soul when we feel ourselves growing in a greater capacity for love and trust in relationships.  We are also healthiest in body, mind, and soul when we have a greater capacity for joy and trust in our daily situations.  Love and trust, joy and hope are the bottom line for our lives, and thus for our vacations. 
 
A relationship that is growing in the ability to put the other people first (love) and trust that the other person will look out for our needs, is a stronger, more satisfying relationship.  A vacation that ends with the two people barely speaking to one another or with the old wounds remaining sealed away beyond healing has not been very successful.  When our capacity to bounce comes up short, we become more angry or disappointed in our lives.  We lose our ability to trust that things will work out and our hope wanes.  When we return from vacation just as frustrated and angry and despairing as when we left, it has not been a very successful vacation.
 
The bottom line is “How has this vacation changed you?”  Are you better for the journey?  More loving and trustful?  More joyful and hopeful? By accepting responsibility for the bottom line, we are better prepared to temporarily vacate our old life and return ready and willing to engage our daily work and personal lives once again. We are each responsible for our vacations.  

​When the vacation is over and all the unpacking is complete, are you able to say that you have grown closer to yourself and those around you? 
 

1. The “Me” Test – Are you more aware of the other person’s presence and desires than you were before your vacation?  Or is it “all still about me”?
2. Are you more likely to trust your companions to take your needs into account now, than before your vacation?
3. Are you better able to laugh off the little “bumps in the road” than you were before your vacation?
4. Are you better able to look down the long road into the future with less anxiety than before your vacation?

 
In short, do you have a greater capacity for love and trust, joy and hope as you resume your life in the everyday world?  If so, then you have vacated your everyday life very well.  If not, what might you do next time to better care for yourself on your next vacation?

What Type of Traveler are You?
 
Meyers-Briggs Type and your Vacation
 
Vacations and your Closest Relationships

Unhappiness is a visitor to all our lives from time to time.  While it is never fun, as an occasional visitor, unhappiness can make us grateful for our better days.  But, when unhappiness moves in for good we become stuck.  We may feel trapped, angry, guilty, or scared.  Fortunately, we can accept responsibility for our unhappiness.  What do you mean?  Do you think I want to be unhappy!? Do you think I chose this?  What did I do to deserve this?  Before you become too upset, please read on a little further. 

Responsibility is not about blame and fault.  The dual mind likes to assign fault and blame as a way to judge between truth and fiction, right and wrong.  But personal unhappiness is a complex human response to a vast array of inner and outer experiences.  The common understanding of responsibility as a game of fault and blame does not apply.  Responsibility is about the ability to respond. 

Responsibility is about the ability to respond to affect a positive change.  We are unable to change many of the factors that may have led to our unhappiness, but we do have control over how we respond to all of them. In this sense, we are responsible for our unhappiness.

One of the reasons we endure dis-ease in our lives is we feel powerless, like victims.  When our body feels strange to us, it is because it has changed and we didn’t pay attention.  Our minds grow small by walking the same paths and living by shorthand thinking – prejudices and clichés.  Our souls become stuck in yesterday’s feelings because of the fears of today and tomorrow.

By accepting responsibility for ourselves and the unhappiness that we must endure from time to time, we can limit the power that this unhappiness will have over our lives.  We can rediscover the joy of living.

While I was in college, I would hang around the Sociology Department.  (Marlene was a Sociology major.)  One of her Professors would get quite irritated when he saw clumps of students hanging around the hallway and would command us “Go read a book or something so that you will have something to think about when you are fifty!”

Our three score and ten are not guaranteed, but more and more folks are living far longer than they ever imagined.  It is very easy to slip into patterns of living and never even think about changing them until something happens and we find that our lives are too small.  This is why it has become necessary to take care of ourselves throughout our lives.  We need to nurture our body, mind, and soul.  They need to serve us for a lifetime.

Keep growing!  Keep learning!  Feed your curiosity!  Allow yourself to experience wonder and awe.  Let yourself be surprised by people and events.  Continue to build memories by travel.  Stay connected.  Make new friends.  Build and renew long-time relationships.  Most of all refuse to become stagnant.  If it ain’t broke, break it!  When staleness begins to creep in, refresh and renew yourself. Take responsibility for your own happiness and allow yourself to live life each and every day.

Staying Young at Heart

Getting out of Stagnancy

Taking Responsibility for Ourselves

This last Self-Care Note on Dealing with Change will talk about the role that being a victim can play in our lives.  This is a very delicate and difficult topic for many.  It can also be very controversial for some.  I include this information because I believe it is essential self-care for each of us to consider.  But I encourage you to be aware of any feelings it may stir within you.  Tend to them with a trusted friend or trained “listener.”  I hope these words help you to find the happiness you deserve.

General Information –  Change and Victimhood

Before I leave our topic of Self-Care in Changing Times, I want to deal with a concern that I have hinted at in previous posts.  Who has control over our life in times of seismic change?  Are we purely victims of change over which we have no control?  Or, are we accountable and responsible for these changes that alter our lives?

I have been in dialogue with many people in the last six months.  One of the consistent themes I have heard from all sorts of people is that they feel that they are victims of the changes that surround our lives.  By claiming victimhood, they are saying that the reason for the change is outside of themselves.  They have little, if any, control over it.  All they can do is suffer and scream.  Becoming a victim is one way that we cope with feelings of powerlessness, unfairness, and anger.  After an unfortunate event, we claim victimhood to garner sympathy, gain support for our perspectives, and wrestle back some of the power we felt that we had lost.  John Gardner wrote; “Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.”

This not to say that there is no such thing as victimhood.  People are the victims of criminal acts where they are injured or killed.  People experience set-backs in their life that just happen, unforeseen and unavoidable.  People must endure the changes in life that come from natural losses like death or illness.  We are, at times, victimized.  We suffer without reason or responsibility.  But, not every unfortunate change we experience leads us into victimhood.

When we call ourselves a victim, we are claiming that we had no control over the events that led up to our suffering.  It justifies anger toward those perceived as causing our suffering.  It encourages others to look upon our suffering with sympathy and understanding.  It encourages others to stand with us against our attacker.  This is all very legitimate when we are a victim of a senseless act of violence.

Unfortunately, when we have been substantially involved in and feel guilty for something that has led to our own suffering, we may also claim victimhood to redirect blame and claim the things listed above.  If we are so ashamed that we cannot let others know that we are responsible, then we may cope with a claim of victimhood.  This is a common way that many of us deal with shame and guilt.  Unfortunately, it may work all too well.  It can extend the violence done to ourselves and prevent us from healing.  It can even become a “lifestyle choice” that inhibits us moving beyond our pain.

If we find ourselves feeling that we are a victim, filled with anger or even rage, we need to seek out a trained therapist to help us find our way.  Victimization is a very complex issue that goes far beyond anything in this article.  We will need a trained “companion” to help us unpack all that it may mean in our lives.  Our lives and happiness depend on it.

·      Listen to your inner life and ask yourself about the source of your misery and hurt. 

·      Listen to your anger and ask yourself if it is directed at any one person, group or “type” of person.

·      Sit quietly in your own solitude and take the emotional pulse of your soul.  Are you barely containing a bubbling caldron within or are there gentle waves of emotion washing upon your soul?

·      Look back and ask yourself if pain (or the fear of pain) continues to direct and redirect your daily living.  Look within and see if you can find a fear that may be a daily companion who continually whispers hurtful things into your mind.

·      Listen to your conversations over the last few days and ask yourself, “Do I sound like a victim?”

If any of this disturbs you, I encourage you to seek out a therapist or a trained listener to help you explore your own victimhood.  Untreated, it will taint every moment, every relationship, every thought, and every feeling we may ever have.  Take care of yourself.  You are worth it!

The Victim Syndrome

Therapy for Survivors of Abuse

Beyond being a Victim