We all have had that encounter with the curious child playing the “Why?” game.   A child asks a question to which we reply with a simple, straightforward answer.  The child replies, “Why?”

We respond with a little more detail and the child looks at us and says, “Why?”

At this point, our irritation begins to show and the child has discovered a new “button” to push.  And the game continues until we cry, “Uncle!” to the delight of the child.

The child’s first and second question were honest questions that grew out of the child’s natural curiosity.  But, the child learned that their curiosity can also be fun, albeit at the expense of our patience.

Having the answers does make us healthy or keep us healthy.  In fact, when we have decided that we have enough answers and quit asking questions, our mind begins to go to sleep.  Questions have the power to keep our mind alive, awake, and alert.  In short, healthy.

The words “who, what, when, where, and why” are the recipe for a healthy mind.  They have the power to lead us into moments of wonder and awe.  They can awaken new thoughts and help us to see the places where we still need to grow.  They open the windows of our thoughts and allow the cool breezes of change to renew and refresh our ideas.  They lift the veils on previously undiscovered worlds of thought and belief.  They shake the very foundations of our carefully constructed opinions so that new ways of living and being can begin to emerge among the rubble.

Rediscover the child’s gift of curiosity and awaken your mind to the wonder and awe that is life.  Stay curious!  Believe it or not, it can be fun!

Curiosity is most easily cultivated on the margins of our lives.  If you are curious about folks, look at those on the margins.  They include those who take your order at the coffee shop and those who check your groceries at the megamart.  Engage them in conversation. 

You can also poke around the margins of ideas that you hold to be absolutely true.  Just for fun, imagine that you and everyone you know is wrong.  What if that idea is wrong?  How might you respond differently?   You will either poke holes in your argument and let in some fresh air, or you will confirm your beliefs after honest questioning.

Lastly, check out the margins of what you see every day.  Our eyes cannot focus on margins.  However, we can be mindful of them if we notice unusual movement or sounds coming from beyond the center of our attention.  When they attract your attention, then allow your focus to shift.  Then ponder that marginal experience with a mind asking “Who?”  “What?”  “Where?” and ”Why?”  Go where your curiosity carries you.

By exploring the marginal relationships, marginal ideas, and the marginal world around you, you will allow your peripheral vision to foster a habitual curiosity.  Your mind will awaken to the wonder of the world around and within you.  By becoming mindful of the margins we keep our mind alive and healthy.

Why Stay Curious?

Inquiring Minds Want to Know

A Little Science about Curiosity

This week we will explore self-care of the body when all is well.  In recent years a revolution in healthcare has led to a major change in attitudes.  50 years ago we only went to the doctor when we were sick.  (Actually, many times the doctor came to us when we were sick.)  But we very seldom saw a doctor unless something was wrong.  Today, most people, if they can afford it, have regularly scheduled appointments for “check-ups” to forestall getting sick. We still seek out a doctor when we are sick, but preventative care has become the standard.  Regular checkups, eating well, getting adequate rest and exercise are the usual ways that we “play nice” with our bodies.

Watch your diet.  The old computer programming saying applies, “Garbage in…Garbage out!”  One of our Doctor’s at Vantage Hospice noted that he seldom sees an overweight 100 year old.  That’s because they eat the smallest amount of food that is most densely packed with nutrients.  It is ok to “Live to eat!” from time to time but our everyday diet needs to focus more on eating to not just live, but to live well.

Give your body a little run – or at least a brisk walk.  Not everyone needs to run a marathon regularly.  But we all need to exercise the heart and lungs a bit.  Always check with your doctor before beginning an exercise program.  But is never hurts to pick up the pace a little on your daily walking.  Take the stairs instead of the elevator.  Stretch out your steps and give them a bit of a work out.  If your knees can take it, do an occasional deep knee bend after you have been sitting at your desk or driving for a while.  In short, play nice and give your body a little exercise.

Rest it up.  Studies show that the average hours of sleep in America has steadily fallen.  We stay up too late and get up too early.  Many health professionals recommend between 7-9 hours of uninterrupted sleep per night.  But with longer commutes and more productivity being demanded in an increasingly competitive workplace, people are getting 4-5 hours per night.  In addition, being overweight increases our chances for sleep apnea which, if left untreated, destroys the quality of those few hours of sleep.  Our body needs rest,  Getting a good, solid period of rest each night will help keep us healthy.

Drink plenty of water.  With the heavy marketing of sugared and carbonated drinks, the enjoyment of plain old fresh water has fallen.  In recent years, many people have re-discovered the joy of water.  Unfortunately, we still do not drink enough.  Dehydration is a very real problem in our everyday world.  Water is vital to every aspect of our physical life and without it we develop all kinds of health issues.  Mayoclinic.org reports that even mild dehydration can “drain your energy and make you feel tired.”  Studies suggest that the old rule of “Drink eight 8-ounce glasses of fluid each day” is a good rule of thumb.  But our actual needs may vary based on our overall health, our level of activity, and where we live. 

The most important thing we can do for our body when everything is working well, is to learn to appreciate it by learning to accept it just the way it is.  Take care of it.   Our lives depend on it.  Play nice with your body.  It is your original lifelong companion!

The Ancient Celts believed in prayer throughout the day for even the most mundane tasks.  They would have a prayer for starting the morning fire or washing the breakfast dishes.  In this tradition, I suggest you begin to take a Blessing Bath to help you learn to appreciate, accept, and celebrate your body.

When you take your shower or bath, pause as you clean each part of your body and name a reason why that part is important to you.  Try to find a different reason for each part each day.

As you feel your body becoming clean, experience the very life that flows through your veins and fills your lungs.  Allow the water to wash away your disappointments and restore the wonder that it deserves.  It is more than an organic machine.  It is an intricate miracle of creation that has been crafted over millions of years.  And it is all yours! 

Be sure and end your bath with words of appreciation for all that your body allows you to be and do.

Signs we are healthy!

How Much Water?

How Much Sleep?

The first goal of Self-Care is to get healthy in body – mind – soul.  We develop new routines and disciplines to helps us “Get Healthy!”  When we feel our lives being tossed about on some rough waters of life we work to get back on an even keel.  But, what happens when we are sailing through smooth waters?  Is self-care important then?  Or is it a distraction from living our lives?  When our lives are relatively problem free and we are feeling good, it is important to remember that it is just as important to “Stay Healthy” as it is to “Get Healthy!”

When we feeling good and rocking along, it is important to recognizing your good health.  Taking a healthy body – mind – soul for granted is the first step toward losing it.  We tend to let things go a little saying, “I have been good, I can afford to loosen up a bit.”  We want to reward ourselves for losing weight by binging on our favorite food. We feel really rested and start staying up late or working overtime because we can “afford to.”  When things are going well, it is important to recognize what got you to this place.  Do not take your healthy mind – body – soul for granted.  Be grateful and respectful of it.

We can explore ways to maintain that feeling of health.  There is nothing wrong with treating yourself to a double dip cone at Dairy Queen from time to time.  But avoid the ½ Gallon of Double Chocolate Fudge as an after dinner treat.  Use common sense and look for ways to enjoy your healthy lifestyle without sacrificing it.  Develop routines that keep you in good shape.  Practice respecting yourself with sensible habits.

But most important, do not beat yourself when you fall back into poor habits.  Simply acknowledge them and let them go.  Find your way back before they steal away you feeling of health and strength.  Tough times will still happen.  There will still be times when you do not feel well and struggle to find those smooth waters. The key is learning to sail around the storms rather than allowing the currents or winds to pull you in.  Grab hold of the tiller, scan the seas, and set your sails for the smooth waters.  Enjoy the good times for as long as they last.  You are worth it!

While you are feeling good and have the energy to concentrate on yourself, sketch out a few new routines for your Body – Mind – Soul.

Take stairs rather than the elevator.   Take 30 minutes to read a short story or article in Wikipedia rather than watch TV.  Write a few lines in your journal rather than play on your tablet or computer.  Instead of spending your coffee break at your desk, take a walk and call and good friend to just say “Hello.”

The key to “Staying Healthy” is to practice healthy routines until they become habits.   Habits grow out of practiced behaviors and ideas.  I never learned to type because I refused to practice.  My fingers had not “memorized” the keys.  Therefore, they do not habitually seek out the proper key.  The same is said for maintaining our good healthy.  Practice good routines until they become good habits.

Enjoy the calm waters of good health and teach yourself how to make them last.

Signs of Health

10 Tips for Staying Healthy

How to Build Good Habits

Whenever I have a conversation about self-care, I fear that I am leaving the impression that self-care is all about the “me.”  While it does lean heavily upon each of us taking personal responsibility for our self-care, it is not a solo task.    Calling it self-care may be misleading.   It may be about the self, but it is never me alone. 

Back in the 1980’s I watched a British Comedy called “The Good Neighbors.”  It was a series about Tom and Barbara’s attempt to escape the rat race and become wholly self-sufficient.  Today we call it going “off the grid.”  They lived in suburbia but converted their home and yard into a farm.  They generated their own electricity from the methane that was distilled from the farm waste.  They grew their own food and fiber.  But, even with all their desire to be self-sufficient, they needed their neighbors, Margo and Jerry.  The story was about the tension between self-sufficiency and staying in relationships with other people.

Being an island to ourselves is contrary to the human experience.  Relationships provide us with life energy when our own begins to fade.  Our companions offer us a mirror in which we can see ourselves through trusted eyes.  They provide the human touch that reminds us that we are of value.  They offer a listening ear that reminds us that we have a story to share.  They reassure us when our hope ebbs.  Companions surround us with the “ether of life” in which we live, and move, and have our being.  Companion comes from two Latin words that mean, with –bread.  Companions are those with whom we break the bread of life each day.

When we are prone to giving up on ourselves, our companions say, “Not so fast!”  When we do not have the energy to get out of bed, a companion says, “Meet me for breakfast!”  When our mind and soul simply cannot risk another disappointment, a companion walks with us into the fray.

If we are going to do good self-care, it is vital that we surround ourselves with companions who will be there, no matter what.  They will give us the little energy we need to climb the next hill and celebrate the view from the top.  To quote the Beatles (and Joe Cocker), “We all need a little help from our friends!”

 When you feel stuck and have a bad case of the “Don’t Wannas”, take a little stroll through your contact list or address book.

Pay attention to the people that cause you to linger on their name.  Listen for their voice.  Image their face.  Remember your last conversation with them.  How did they make your feel?  Does remembering fill your soul with a little desire to keep on going?  Did they bring a little light to you as you cowered behind the barricades of shame, weariness, anger, or despair?

Make a note in your contact list or address book about these folks.  When you encounter one of the barriers we have been discussing these last few weeks, make an effort to see one them.  They can make you feel good about who you are.  They are your companions.  Seek them out and let them be who they are, your friend!

The Value of a Friend

The Value of Friendship

Making Friends

Have you ever found yourself feeling lost and having no clue how to find your way?  This is the classic lost soul.  We are not lost in the world around us.  Rather, we are lost in our inner world, the realm of our deepest lives.  We may be able to find our way to work and home, but may we no longer feel any joy or purpose in making the journey.  We may continue to enjoy relationships with family and friends, but we may hear a voice within calling us a fraud or unworthy of such relationships.  Such lostness becomes a barrier to moving forward.  It prevents us from investing ourselves in ourselves or our daily living.  We find ourselves stranded on the deep shoals of pain.  We simply try and ride out the storms. 

We may feel “Lost in a Fog.”  The clouds of uncertainty or doubt surround our will.

We may feel “Lost at Sea.”  The crashing waves of emotion lead to losing hope of charting a new course.

We may feel “Lost in Space.”   We are overwhelmed by the stars that are supposed to guide us. We give up trying to read the charts.

The path ahead has disappeared.  We are dis-oriented.  We cannot make up our mind about which way to go or if we should “go” at all. 

Regardless of how and where we experience our inner lostness, it turns us away from taking care of the precious inner experiences of ourselves.  We may become abusive to the child within. We may give up on the inner voice that has always talked us through such moments. We may even hold a funeral for the life we have lost.  

I don’t know about you but I am a little depressed.  All this talk of being lost and funeral-holding is not very uplifting.  But then, that is precisely the point.  This soul lostness only becomes a barrier when we give it that power. 

Each of us carries a pouch full of charts.  Some are old and dusty while others are crisp and new.  They offer us guidance and waypoints that tell us we are on the “right” path. 

These charts go by the name of expectations.  They are the expected paths.  They are the paths we have charted and those charted for us by others.  The problem is that these maps grow out-of-date very quickly, especially when our lives become more and more complicated.  These expectations grow cold as we move away from the circumstances that created them. 

Allow yourself to wander.  As an old friend of mine used to say, “We ain’t lost, we got a half tank of gas!”  As long as there is gas in the tank, we are not lost.  We are on an unexpected adventure.

Throwing away the chart allows us to let go of the energy we have invested in a particular path and use it to see the opportunities that surround us.

This week’s tip offers you a way to set aside the expectations for a few days. 

Take a few moments each day and list your hopes and dreams for tomorrow on a 4X6 card.

At the end of the next day, look back at your cards.   Note any opportunities that arose that you used to meet that hope or dream.  Then note the opportunities that you let slip through your fingers.

After a few days, spend time with your cards and affirm the intuition that allowed you to claim and use the opportunities that led you to your hopes and dreams.  Repeat this tip until you learn to trust your inner sense of direction more than the dusty old charts (expectations) in your memory.

By staying open to the many paths and opportunities that lead to where you want to end up, you will feel the adventure and find the joy. 

The adventure awaits!

Symptoms of a Lost Soul

Feeling Lost

Finding Ourselves

The mind is a valuable reservoir of memory and ideas that help us connect the dots in our lives.  We use our mind to anticipate, plan, process, and imagine.  The mind gives us the internal abilities to respond appropriately to situations and circumstances outside of our control.  It helps us to understand the need for and develop a plan of self-care. 

However, mental activity requires a great deal of energy and concentration.  When we grow weary we tend to grow mentally lazy.  The dots go unconnected and we allow other parts of our lives to assume control.  We may allow our emotions to overrule our best judgment.  We may let the body’s aches and pains keep us from doing what we know is best for us. 

Unfortunately, when we are at our lowest point we have the least energy to combat the mental fatigue.  We allow ourselves to drift about in the currents of our fears, our prejudices, our discomforts, and our hatred.  We talk ourselves out of tending to our mind.  We do not read or explore options.  We accept the easiest answer as the only answer.  We allow ourselves to be manipulated by those who promise everything and have no way providing anything. We do not look out for ourselves or take the time we need to give ourselves the rest that mental activity often requires.

Mental fatigue and the ensuing mental laziness becomes a major roadblock to providing quality self-care.  It drains us of the energy we need.  It helps us to rationalize inaction. Mental fatigue hides itself in our unacknowledged emotions that masquerade as well thought-out opinions.  Not only does this roadblock prevent us from doing what we need to do to pull ourselves out of the ditch.  The spinning wheels giving us the impression that we are actually doing something to help, but remain we stuck in the mud of our mental laziness.

One discipline that can help us climb out of the ditch is to cultivate curiosity.  Curiosity is a prelude to wonder.  And wonder has the capacity to reawaken our mind from the false slumber of mental fatigue.  In short, curiosity is simply paying attention to the sparkle in our lives.

For the next week, take time to look at the margins in your life.  Most of the time we focus on the same events, experiences, and people.  We become creatures of the routine and expected.  We lose sight of the people and events on the margins, the edges of our experiences.

When you go out to eat pay attention to the server.  Ask them about their day.  Be curious!

When you find yourself stuck in traffic, take a look at the cars around you.  Observe the people driving them.  Imagine what their day must be like.  Be curious!

When you find yourself with a few minutes to yourself, try and remember the last time you went for a walk with your friend or companion.  Imagine what they are thinking and doing at the moment.  Be curious!

When you hear a word on the radio or in conversation that you do not understand, be curious!  When you meet someone for the first time and they have an interesting accent, be curious!

In short, cultivate a curiosity about the people and world around you.  For in those moments of curiosity you will feel the first waves of wonder.  And on those waves you will be able to ride the surf of thought to a reawakened and reenergized mind and spirit.  Be curious!

Overcoming Mental Laziness

Signs of Mental Fatigue

Cultivating Curiosity  

Physical self-care can be very challenging.  Most folks know that they should eat right, exercise, and get plenty of sleep.  We know that if we drink to excess, smoke, or use drugs we will experience negative physical consequences.  We all know of people who have suffered and died because they did not take care of their body.  We know all of this.  And yet, we remain overweight, out of shape, and sleep deprived. 

We can be very creative with reasons to justify our inactions when we do not want to do something.  This is particularly true when it comes to ignoring our need for self-care of our body.  Among the many roadblocks, three have become very common.

“I am not my body!”  Since the renaissance, Western Folks have become increasingly attached to our minds.  We place a great deal of importance on reasoning and thought.  Many of us have come to believe that we are not only a body, but a spirit.  In the last 500 years, many religions have taught that the spirit is the true self that will survive the death of the body.  This idea reinforces a belief that the body is just a temporary vessel that will be cast aside at death.  Therefore, we have no real responsibility for taking care of it since it will wear out one day anyway.  Unfortunately, many of us come to our senses far too late.  This body must serve us well until we cast it aside.  By the time many learn to eat well, exercise, and rest they have already done too much damage.

“It won’t make any difference!”  The second roadblock to self-care of the body is related to the first.  Even when we come to understand the importance of our body to our happiness, we may have done too much harm.  We convince ourselves that exercise, proper diet, and avoiding tobacco etc. will not do any good.   Also, folks who have genetic predispositions for high blood pressure, heart disease, diabetes, or stroke may believe that they cannot fight heredity.  “It won’t make any difference!”  

 “It won’t happen to me!”  A third roadblock denies that we will suffer the physical consequences of our actions.  We want to believe that we are different, we are immortal.  When we were young, many of us took chances with our health because death was too far away to be meaningful.  We could live like we wanted for 50 years and then start worrying about dying.  As long as we feel strong enough to do what we want, we feel immune to the consequences of our poor choices.  This idea, like the previous two, can become deeply engrained in our beliefs.  So that, even at 50, we continue to feel immortal until our health begins to suffer.

Each of these roadblocks can be overcome.  By simply acknowledging them, we can begin to see the mythology they carry.  We can begin to appreciate the importance of the body to our daily living.  We can begin to accept the need for paying attention to our body’s need for proper nutrition, exercise, and rest. 

I invite you to copy these words onto a small card and place them on your bathroom mirror.  Each morning, after your shower, I encourage you to look at yourself in the mirror as you say these words to yourself.

A Morning Mantra for Body Self-Care

“I am a body designed to carry me through many years of life.  If I take care of it, I will live a full and meaningful life.”

“I can always make a difference.  Even though I may experience physical challenges, I can improve my health by eating well, getting enough exercise, and adequate rest.”

“I am not immune from life.  I cannot disregard the risks without suffering the consequences.”

WebMD on Healthy Living

CDC on Roadblocks to Physical Health

Overcoming Roadblocks to Exercise

No one wants to feel lousy!

But many of us have convinced ourselves that we do not have any other choice.  Life is what it is and we can’t change it.

Generally, this is less about the nature of life than it is about our encountering a roadblock to self-care.

“I don’t have …”  Therefore we play “If only…”  “I would start running today, if only I had a good pair of running shoes.”

“I can’t …”  Therefore we play “Yes but!”  “Yes, I planned on starting my diet today, but I promised to take the kids out for pizza.”

And the most common, “I don’t want to!”  “I know I need to talk with someone about how frustrated I am, but I don’t want to!”

When we play “If only…”, “Yes but…”, or “I don’t want to…” we tend to develop a bad case of “You can’t make me.” Our attitudes harden and no amount of logic will sway us from our self-destructive behavior.  We fail to connect our hurt with any possible changes we could make.  We disconnect our actions from their consequences.  We end up feeling powerless and overwhelmed with the distress, frustration, weakness of spirit, and physical complaints that come about because we cannot get past these roadblocks to self-care.

This next series of Self-Care Notes are about empowerment, helping us connect the dots so that you can take the steps we need to have the best quality of life possible.  I invite you to listen carefully to the excuses you make for not giving yourself the best care possible.

Spend some time asking yourself the reasons you give for not doing good self-care.  Listed below are just some examples.  Take a sheet of paper and make a list of all the reasons you have told yourself for not taking better care of yourself.  Reflect on to this for a few weeks.

Body…

… too tired to exercise.
… that pain will go away by itself.
… I never can lose weight.

Mind…

 … it will not make any difference anyway.
 … all my family is overweight.
… no one has proven that smoking causes cancer.

Soul…

… I have too little self-control to diet
… I never have slept well at night.
… I am too tired to think about it.

Barriers to Self-Care

Barriers to Self-Care for Care-Givers

Self-Care

We cannot avoid all stress.  In fact, stress comes in handy when our lives need a little extra energy to get through a tough time.  But, small doses of stress are generally sufficient.  Therefore, we do need to learn how to manage our stress.

Many years ago, my Doctor saw that I was showing many of the signs of accumulated stress.  My pulse and blood pressure was too high.  I had a short temper and complained of being tired all the time.  The doctor conducted all the usual tests and sat me down and prescribed to important treatments.  First, he suggested I put my watch in the dresser drawer and leave it there.  Second, he said that I needed to take smaller steps when I was heading somewhere.  He rightly understood that most stress is “self-inflicted” and the remaining is magnified by the choices we make in response to it. 

I began doing some time management and found that I was obsessed with being early for every appointment.  I put pressure on myself to get stuff done according to the clock.  This created more anxiety than it relieved and amplified my stress when that “stuff happens” that throws the schedule out the window.  Learning to live by something other than the clock helped reduce some of my stress.  But, it was not until I noticed that I was running everywhere that I began to feel the difference.  Smaller steps represented a life that was more paced to the needs of life rather than my desires for efficiency and serving the clock.  By recognizing how I was stressing myself out, I learned to use the greatest of all stress remedies, a simple “No.”

Go ahead and keep a schedule if you need one.  Schedules help us set priorities for our time.  Consolidate all of your calendars to one place so that you can see when you are overbooked.  Keep an active to do list to help you keep up with the details.   But until we learn to say no to that which is of less importance, none of these will reduce our stress. 

Establish you own boundaries according to the way you prioritize your life and then do not be afraid to say “No”.  Say no to those things that do not serve the things about which you are most passionate.  Leave room for saying “Yes” to those things that are more important to you.  Leave room in your life for that which brings you joy and satisfaction.  If you cannot say “No” to the clutter in your schedule, your calendar, or your to do list you will continue to suffer from self-inflicted stress.

Accept responsibility for your stress and “Just say no!”

Are My Boundaries Real or Imagined

Your tip for the week is to do a simple exercise.  Write down the 10 most important things that you do in a week.  Then, prioritize them from 1-10 with 1 being the most important to you.  At the end of the week, take a look at your just complete schedule, calendar, and to do list and ask yourself these questions.

How well do my accomplishments this week reflect the priorities I set?

How well do the things that did not get done reflect my priorities?

How do I feel about telling myself “no”?  Telling my family “no”?  Telling my friends “no”?  Telling my employer/customers “no”? 

Now step back and ask yourself, are my boundaries real or imagined?  How can I better manage the stress in my life?

Managing Daily Stress

Setting Personal Boundaries

The Power of No