Being Accountable for Self-Care in Changing Times
This last Self-Care Note on Dealing with Change will talk about the role that being a victim can play in our lives. This is a very delicate and difficult topic for many. It can also be very controversial for some. I include this information because I believe it is essential self-care for each of us to consider. But I encourage you to be aware of any feelings it may stir within you. Tend to them with a trusted friend or trained “listener.” I hope these words help you to find the happiness you deserve.
General Information – Change and Victimhood
Before I leave our topic of Self-Care in Changing Times, I want to deal with a concern that I have hinted at in previous posts. Who has control over our life in times of seismic change? Are we purely victims of change over which we have no control? Or, are we accountable and responsible for these changes that alter our lives?
I have been in dialogue with many people in the last six months. One of the consistent themes I have heard from all sorts of people is that they feel that they are victims of the changes that surround our lives. By claiming victimhood, they are saying that the reason for the change is outside of themselves. They have little, if any, control over it. All they can do is suffer and scream. Becoming a victim is one way that we cope with feelings of powerlessness, unfairness, and anger. After an unfortunate event, we claim victimhood to garner sympathy, gain support for our perspectives, and wrestle back some of the power we felt that we had lost. John Gardner wrote; “Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.”
This not to say that there is no such thing as victimhood. People are the victims of criminal acts where they are injured or killed. People experience set-backs in their life that just happen, unforeseen and unavoidable. People must endure the changes in life that come from natural losses like death or illness. We are, at times, victimized. We suffer without reason or responsibility. But, not every unfortunate change we experience leads us into victimhood.
When we call ourselves a victim, we are claiming that we had no control over the events that led up to our suffering. It justifies anger toward those perceived as causing our suffering. It encourages others to look upon our suffering with sympathy and understanding. It encourages others to stand with us against our attacker. This is all very legitimate when we are a victim of a senseless act of violence.
Unfortunately, when we have been substantially involved in and feel guilty for something that has led to our own suffering, we may also claim victimhood to redirect blame and claim the things listed above. If we are so ashamed that we cannot let others know that we are responsible, then we may cope with a claim of victimhood. This is a common way that many of us deal with shame and guilt. Unfortunately, it may work all too well. It can extend the violence done to ourselves and prevent us from healing. It can even become a “lifestyle choice” that inhibits us moving beyond our pain.
If we find ourselves feeling that we are a victim, filled with anger or even rage, we need to seek out a trained therapist to help us find our way. Victimization is a very complex issue that goes far beyond anything in this article. We will need a trained “companion” to help us unpack all that it may mean in our lives. Our lives and happiness depend on it.
General Information – Change and Victimhood
Before I leave our topic of Self-Care in Changing Times, I want to deal with a concern that I have hinted at in previous posts. Who has control over our life in times of seismic change? Are we purely victims of change over which we have no control? Or, are we accountable and responsible for these changes that alter our lives?
I have been in dialogue with many people in the last six months. One of the consistent themes I have heard from all sorts of people is that they feel that they are victims of the changes that surround our lives. By claiming victimhood, they are saying that the reason for the change is outside of themselves. They have little, if any, control over it. All they can do is suffer and scream. Becoming a victim is one way that we cope with feelings of powerlessness, unfairness, and anger. After an unfortunate event, we claim victimhood to garner sympathy, gain support for our perspectives, and wrestle back some of the power we felt that we had lost. John Gardner wrote; “Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.”
This not to say that there is no such thing as victimhood. People are the victims of criminal acts where they are injured or killed. People experience set-backs in their life that just happen, unforeseen and unavoidable. People must endure the changes in life that come from natural losses like death or illness. We are, at times, victimized. We suffer without reason or responsibility. But, not every unfortunate change we experience leads us into victimhood.
When we call ourselves a victim, we are claiming that we had no control over the events that led up to our suffering. It justifies anger toward those perceived as causing our suffering. It encourages others to look upon our suffering with sympathy and understanding. It encourages others to stand with us against our attacker. This is all very legitimate when we are a victim of a senseless act of violence.
Unfortunately, when we have been substantially involved in and feel guilty for something that has led to our own suffering, we may also claim victimhood to redirect blame and claim the things listed above. If we are so ashamed that we cannot let others know that we are responsible, then we may cope with a claim of victimhood. This is a common way that many of us deal with shame and guilt. Unfortunately, it may work all too well. It can extend the violence done to ourselves and prevent us from healing. It can even become a “lifestyle choice” that inhibits us moving beyond our pain.
If we find ourselves feeling that we are a victim, filled with anger or even rage, we need to seek out a trained therapist to help us find our way. Victimization is a very complex issue that goes far beyond anything in this article. We will need a trained “companion” to help us unpack all that it may mean in our lives. Our lives and happiness depend on it.
Tips
· Listen to your inner life and ask yourself about the source of your misery and hurt.
· Listen to your anger and ask yourself if it is directed at any one person, group or “type” of person.
· Sit quietly in your own solitude and take the emotional pulse of your soul. Are you barely containing a bubbling caldron within or are there gentle waves of emotion washing upon your soul?
· Look back and ask yourself if pain (or the fear of pain) continues to direct and redirect your daily living. Look within and see if you can find a fear that may be a daily companion who continually whispers hurtful things into your mind.
· Listen to your conversations over the last few days and ask yourself, “Do I sound like a victim?”
If any of this disturbs you, I encourage you to seek out a therapist or a trained listener to help you explore your own victimhood. Untreated, it will taint every moment, every relationship, every thought, and every feeling we may ever have. Take care of yourself. You are worth it!
· Listen to your anger and ask yourself if it is directed at any one person, group or “type” of person.
· Sit quietly in your own solitude and take the emotional pulse of your soul. Are you barely containing a bubbling caldron within or are there gentle waves of emotion washing upon your soul?
· Look back and ask yourself if pain (or the fear of pain) continues to direct and redirect your daily living. Look within and see if you can find a fear that may be a daily companion who continually whispers hurtful things into your mind.
· Listen to your conversations over the last few days and ask yourself, “Do I sound like a victim?”
If any of this disturbs you, I encourage you to seek out a therapist or a trained listener to help you explore your own victimhood. Untreated, it will taint every moment, every relationship, every thought, and every feeling we may ever have. Take care of yourself. You are worth it!
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