​Accountability for our Self-Care during Family Gatherings
Like any human endeavor, being part of a family is not a simple matter.  The relationships that are involved in family life can be very complicated and bring both great joy and challenge. 
 
At the holidays, families tend to get together more frequently.  These gathering can add to the stress that may already be present.  By taking responsibility for our self-care during these holiday gatherings, we can, at the very least, avoid being hurt.  But, hopefully we will be able to enjoy our being together with those people who have been with us since the beginning (or close to it!”)
 
May we enjoy our family gatherings as a renewal of the relationships that have helped shape us into who we are.

To accept responsibility for our self-care during the holiday season, especially when the family comes together, I encourage you to do three simple things.
 

• Be honest with yourself and about your family!
• Expect the best from one another!
• Protect yourself if things go awry!

 
Thank you for joining me in this exercise in self-care.  I hope you will continue with me in 2018 as we explore ways to grow our capacity for love and trust, joy and hope in our lives.
 
Have a wonderful New Year!
​
Holiday Blessings, Bob

We are all familiar with the hooks and eyes (or eyelets) on our clothing.  These simple closures make it possible to wear clothing by fashioning two simple little pieces of wire that “Hook together” and keep our clothing secure.
 
When families gather, we may be reunited with people we have known our entire lives.  Old “history” becomes flesh and blood.  Have you ever been in a conversation with a long-time relative or former friend and begin feeling like you are 10 years old?  Sometimes this may feel pretty good.  We may enjoy the comfort of being loved and accepted as only they can.  But sometimes it may feel uncomfortable.  It may awaken feelings of insecurity or vulnerability.  Your relationship with them may not have been a very healthy one.  They may be the “hook” to your long-buried feelings about them, the “eye”.
 
This can be especially true of those who may have been “bullied” or abused when they were young.  These people may have been part of a particularly painful part of our growing up or early adult years. Being “hooked” may either be intentional or unintentional.  Just being with them may trigger that “hooked” feeling. 
 
It is usually great to be able to reconnect with long-time family and friends.  We can grow in our acceptance of who we are by accepting who we have been.  We can re-discover long-forgotten parts of our lives and flesh out the vague impressions about ourselves left in remnants of remembrances.  But such reconnecting carries the risk of being hooked.  Self-care during family gatherings means preparing ourselves for and learning to deal with these experiences.

• Keep your soul open so that you can see them coming and be prepared.
• Resist the hooks.  These may be the personal jabs, barbs, stories, or old memories.  Be aware of them and do not take them personally.  They are history, allow them to remain in the past.
• Protect the holes in your soul (the eyelets), negative feelings and suspicions that we may have buried deep within.  This is where the hooks are most likely to attach themselves.  Deal with these holes in the soul and bring them out front where you can learn to live with them.  Hopefully, in dealing with them you can allow them to heal.
• When all else fails, disengage and move on.  You do not have to subject yourself to these feelings.
• However, these experiences can be indications of some very serious trauma in your life.  If you find that you cannot disengage or move on, seek out a therapist to help you deal with these experiences.  You owe it to yourself.

 

Feeling Like a Child Again
 
When Adults Re-discover their own Abuse as a Child
 
Surviving Shame

​One of the most popular activities for family holiday gatherings is sharing stories.  We share old stories that grow and evolve over the years.  We share new stories of significant events from the past year.  We also hear and incorporate new stories from our family members lives.  This storytelling becomes part of our understanding of who we are as a family and as individual members of it.  They become our oral history that we pass on to new members of the family and use to remember those who are no longer with us.  Storytelling is an essential part of family life.
 
However, these stories can be sources of pain.  They can bring past hurts to life.  A story, told and retold, can re-trap us into being the person we were when we were young.  If we were shy and unsure of ourselves as a teenager, any stories that highlighted those traits can lead us to lapse back into them around family members.  These stories may lead us to doubt ourselves and cause genuine emotional pain.
 
Therefore, it is important that we keep these stories and family histories in perspective.  Those that help us move forward in our capacity for love and trust, joy and hope should be cherished and renewed.  Those that decrease our capacity for love and trust, joy and hope should be set aside as an old book that no longer speaks to our life.  Not all stories are valid or helpful.  By keeping each in proper perspective we can participate in family gatherings and celebrate the oral history of our “tribe.”

​These stories can re-member our lives, bringing us back together after a year of being drawn and stretched by life.   They can remind us of who we are beyond this particular moment and lead us to continue forward with all that we are.
 
Questions for Re-membering

1. Is this story hurtful or helpful?
2. Does this story offer us insight into something we never saw in ourselves?
3. Does this story stir up old, negative ideas about ourselves or our family that have already been addressed in our lives?
4. Does this story open up our way forward or close the door on our future?
5. Would leaving this story behind strengthen our family ties?
6. Is this story meaningful in accurately reflecting who I am and the way I understand my family?

 
Re-member your story and the story of your family by using the Holiday Gatherings as a time to wrestle with the hurtful stories and to find joy and comfort in the cherished memories.

How to Handle Family Gatherings
 
Dealing with Difficult Family Members
 
Celebrating Family Stories