​Teary eyes… 
      Cold chills… 
           Sleepless nights… 
                Trembling hands… 
 
We all have moments like these.  Sometimes we know why and sometimes they come out of nowhere and overwhelm us.  Such moments can accompany painful memories as they surface in our lives.   
 
Memory is a primary function of the mind.  Along with reason and language, memory allows us to learn and grow in understanding.  Remembering consists of three parts.  The first is the actual storage about which we know very little other than each memory appears to be scattered throughout the brain.  The second is to maintain a memory.  The third is recall, to be able to piece together a stored memory and bring it to consciousness.  We all have a wealth of memories.   Some are more immediately available for recall than others.
 
We maintain memories by paying attention to them.  We may keep them alive by being constantly reminded of them.  We may not even be aware that we are keeping them alive.  Thus, we may have an unacknowledged memory ready for recall with the simplest trigger. This means that painful or disturbing memories can easily surface from any part of the memory.  A remembered aroma, or image can cause the brain to begin reassembling the memory in part or as a whole.  A word or phrase can also initiate the recall process.  An unanticipated emotion can cause the mind to begin reassembling a distant memory.  The more often this occurs the more easily the memory is available for recall.
 
The mind allows us to learn and grow in understanding through the gift of memory.  However, as any gift, it must be cared for and nurtured if it is to offer us it’s fruit.

​How do we care for our painful memories?  The self-care during times of painful remembering requires that we allow ourselves to learn from the memory.  Explore the reason for the memory’s frequent return by allowing it to lead you to a new place of understanding.
 
In a safe place, allow the memory to surface.  Journaling the memory can assist in holding on to it without constantly recalling the more painful parts of it.
 
Look for themes in the memory.  They will likely point you to surprising experiences, situations and ideas that you had long since resolved.
 
Which of these themes are most alive for you?  Which themes have the most energy for you?  They are likely to be the most relevant.
 
Let the memory suggest a way through your present circumstance or situation.  Before you follow through, however, talk with a trusted friend.  They will likely be able to see more clearly than you.
 
I want to reiterate; these self-care suggestions are intended only for mildly troubling memories.  For memories that greatly disturb your life or that become much more disturbing as you remember them, please see a trained professional to assist you in processing them.
 
The mind is a powerful part of our human spirit.  Take care of it.  It holds the wisdom you need to become the person you want to be.
 

How Memory Works
 
Recalling Painful Memories
 
Dealing with Painful Memories

Memories is more than recalled stories from our past.  They are recovered experiences of events.  They include the story as well as feelings and physical sensations.  These “physical memories” can be even more powerful than the story itself.  A particular smell can lead you to recall a story that is long forgotten.  Walking into a room and smelling a perfume can immediately recall the person you knew.  Seeing an old picture can awaken emotions along buried within the story.  When these physical memories trigger a painful memory, they can cascade and lead you into sadness or despair from the original event.  Physical experiences can trigger and awaken a memory that you believed had been put to rest.
 
Memories can also work in reverse.  A painful memory can change your sense of physical well-being as well.  When a painful memory bubbles up from deep within, it can have the same physical effects as the original experience.  If a memory made you feel faint or sick to your stomach, the memory can trigger the same symptoms.  When a painful memory stays in your mind it can have a debilitating effect on our immune system.  The stress created by the memory can lead to physical sickness.
 
The ancients were correct.  We are not a body with a spirit.  We are spirits who are dependent on a body.  The connections are deep.  A painful memory will be remembered in your body-mind-soul.  Teach yourself to identify the external and physical triggers that bring those memories to life.

​

1. Acknowledge that your emotions belong to you, they are not caused by anything or anyone “out there.”
2. Learn to recognize the physical signs that a strong emotional reaction of guilt, shame, anger, or sadness is rising within yourself.
3. Take note of what is happening around you in that moment.
4. Spend some time connecting those circumstances and your feelings with other times you have felt this way.
5. Over time, as similar feelings and circumstances occur, the trigger will become evident.

 
Triggers help us to better understand and connect our present experience to our memory.  In doing so, they will allow us to keep the past in the past.  This frees us to deal with the present circumstances in the present.

Emotions and the Body
 
Emotional Triggers
 
Identifying Emotional Triggers
​

​Today we begin a new topic.  We will explore ways to take care of ourselves when the past keeps bubbling up and intruding into our today.  Almost everyone remembers moments when we were embarrassed, ashamed, deeply disappointed, or injured by circumstances or people.  Many times, these memories bring with them uncomfortable feelings.  They may cause a momentary shudder or feelings that linger and color our world for a significant time.  Remembering past hurts and going through those feelings are an expected and useful way to grow in body-mind-soul.
 
However, when these same memories continue to bubble and trouble in our lives and destroy our peace with ourselves or our world, they are telling us something.  Learned life lessons can help us to move through the remembering and find our feet in due time.  By learning from them, we find new ways to live with them.  And as long as those feelings were not too intense we may be able to recall our learning and even smile at how foolish we were.  However, if the experiences were more intense we may still have lingering resentment or anger or sadness.  If those remembered experiences were life changing, then even if we have learned from them, they may still evoke deep and intense feelings.  However, if we have not learned from these experiences, they not only evoke similar feelings, but they will keep recurring when we bump into similar circumstances.  They will continue to intrude and disturb our peace.
 
For the next few weeks we will explore making peace with the past.  We will discover some tools we can use to ease the burdens of yesterday on our todays. 
 
I want to caution you, if your past is severely affecting your ability to have relationships, causing you emotional damage, or making your life completely miserable, then seek professional help.  Not everyone needs therapy for the occasional emotional hiccup from the past.   But if you have a memory that cannot or will not heal and that causes you intense, life challenging pain, you will need professional help to find your way through that forest.  Psychotherapists, psychologists, and other highly trained individuals can help you come to terms with an intensely painful past.
 
However, if your past only causes you occasional trouble and disturbs you for short periods of time, I invite you to follow these notes for the next few weeks.   If you find that they are not able to help you find the peace you want, then I encourage you to seek out a trusted friend to help you.  If peace still eludes you, then seek out the professional help I listed above.
 
You deserve to live each day informed by your past but not burdened with it.  Accept your past as part of yourself and find ways to live with it in peace.

When a “should’a, could’a, would’a” creeps into our daily life we do not have to allow them to steal our joy or energy.  When painful memories bubble up into our daily living, our first line of care exists by putting them and ourselves in a new context.  We can do so by letting the past be the past.
 
Don’t judge past decisions with present knowledge.  You likely made the best decision you could, given the information you had at the time.
 
Don’t judge ourselves or other people in our past by present standards.  Our standards as individuals and as a society change and grow over time.  We or they may have been acting in appropriate ways for the time.
 
Don’t allow others to respond to you today as the person you were yesterday.  While we are always responsible for our actions, we do grow and change.  Help others to see who you are today and do not allow them to treat you as the person you once were.
 
Give the past the respect it deserves.  It is the place from which you grew into the person you are today.

Letting Go of a Painful Past
 
When to Seek Out Professional Help
 
Why the Past Should Stay the Past

​Many people who regularly overthink do not see it as a problem.  They simply see it as thorough planning.  They ignore the anxiety and call it energy.  They ignore the redundant redundancy and call it security.  They ignore the wasted time and resources and call it an investment in success.    Good planning may involve extra energy, some redundancy, and investment of a little more time and resources.  But when these exceed the reasonable and take away from the experience you are planning, they become signs of overthinking.  Overthinking is not a virtue, it is a habit.
 
However, we all do it from time to time.  Some do it more frequently.  As long as we can recognize the signs of overthinking, we can step back.  However, if you are unable to distinguish overthinking from good planning, guess what?  You have developed a full-blown case of habitual overthinking.
 
Overthinking generally grows out of anxiety or a feeling of vulnerability.  We are trying to protect ourselves from something.  It may be the dangers of the road or from failure or any number of other fears.  We attempt to compensate for our fears by developing layer upon layer of strategies.  Regardless of how complicated our planning becomes it can generally be traced to a small number of anxieties that are driving the feeling of being vulnerable.
 
If you suspect that you are overthinking your life and making yourself miserable, then explore reasons why you feel so vulnerable.  You may not know or be able to identify the source of your feelings.  It is likely that while you cannot see them, those around can.  Do not be discouraged.  Find a trusted friend to help you.  Look and listen to yourself through their eyes and words.  They can help you see the very things that you have been hiding from yourself.  
 
One of the primary ways that we take care of ourselves is by accepting responsibility for ourselves and finding a way to deal with our struggles.  Find a trusted friend to help you.

​If you do not have a trusted friend who can help you look for your vulnerabilities, you may want to consider a spiritual director.
 
What is Spiritual Direction?  Liz Budd Ellmann, a former director of Spiritual Directors International (SDI) writes:
 
"Spiritual direction explores a deeper relationship with the spiritual aspect of being human. Simply put, spiritual direction is helping people tell their sacred stories every day.
 
Spiritual direction has emerged in many contexts using language specific to particular cultural and spiritual traditions. Describing spiritual direction requires putting words to a process of fostering a transcendent experience that lies beyond all names and yet the experience longs to be articulated and made concrete in everyday living. It is easier to describe what spiritual direction does than what spiritual direction is. Our role is not to define spiritual direction, but to describe the experience.
 
Spiritual direction helps us learn how to live in peace, with compassion, promoting justice, as humble servants of that which lies beyond all names."
 
The SDI website (see the link below) has a great deal of information about the practice of Spiritual Direction.  It is important to realize that Spiritual Direction is available for the religious and the non-religious.  It is open to people of all faiths and to people of no faith.  It only requires an openness to explore the inner journey where we can come to know and care for ourselves.
 
If you do not have a Spiritual Director but would like to talk with several to see if any of them may be able to help you, follow this link to a Seek and Find Guide.
 
Enjoy the journey!

The Dangers of Overthinking
 
Overthinking at The Root of All Your Problems
 
Spiritual Directors International