Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs says that all human beings must satisfy the following needs before they move on to the next. These are, in order: Physiological Needs (food, water, warmth, rest), Safety Needs (clothing, shelter, security), Belonging (healthy personal, social, and intimate relationships), Esteem (feeling of accomplishment, competence, self-worth), and Self-Actualization (coming to know one’s self and fulfilling one’s potential). Being at home in the body speaks to those first three sets of needs; physiological, safety, and belonging. Until those are met, it is very difficult to move onto the “higher needs.” The home is the “where and how” of meeting these needs.
There are countless stories about women and men who have left their home behind and moved to a new place where they were truly alone. They struggled to find their footing and plant their roots in their new home. These iconic stories reflect our experiences and speak to our deepest selves when we have lost our footing and feel isolated and alone. The sad part is that this happens even when we seem to have everything we need. We may have a good house and a spouse and 2.5 children with 3 meals a day. We may have a good job and people we see regularly that we count as friends. But…
Those three dots tell the rest of the story. There may be an emptiness about all that “having.” The “firm-footing” that we expect during the times of “storms” eludes us. The “itch” for really belonging is not “scratched” by those around us. We have a home but we are not at home. We have “left the building.” The lives we have acquired and that we expect to nourish and support us seem strangely unhelpful This is real homelessness.
How do we usually endure such an empty life? We engage in an empty activity. In gym class the coach called it “Running in Place.” I was always confused about this exercise. It was good for the heart but boy did it starve the soul. In fact, other than a few physical benefits, it was pointless. This is why I am selling our treadmill. If I am going to walk I would rather do it somewhere that nourishes me, like a hiking trail or a park filled with people. When we are homeless, we go through the motions and walk or run in place. We think we are feeding our lives but, in fact, we are fooling ourselves. It is pretend-living that helps us get through the days, weeks, months, and years but….
What can we do about it? Rather than running, let us “Belong in Place.” Let where we are become a deeper reflection of who we are. Let the walls that surround us grow out of the person who seeks shelter within them. Let the ground upon which we walk reflect the one who is doing the walking. Let the people who surround us reflect back to us who we are and who we can become. Belonging in place takes a commitment to being who we want to become, not simply doing what we have to make others happy or chase away the demons that visit us in our dreams or nip at our heels while we run in place.
To belong-in-place means that we are deeply rooted in the situations and people around us. It means that they feed and nourish us when we hunger. They support us when the winds of shame, guilt, disappointment, or despair blow into our lives. They involve us in a community through which we receive and share who we are. To be at home in body is to know who we are by looking around and seeing the best of ourselves reflected in our surroundings and in our companions.
TIPS - Nesting
In my use of the term, I am talking about doing things that will help you achieve the same purpose. You will make a place for the person who is coming to be within yourself and allowing you time to transition from homelessness to being at home. There are several things you can do.
Gathering In – The first step in belonging in place is to take an assessment of what you need and then gathering it together. Unfortunately, this can be a complicated process. If you feel the need for a close friend you may have to step out beyond yourself and join clubs or be more open to folks. Finding a different place to live can also be very involved. If you need to get out of a difficult financial or employment situation this may take some time and require hard choices. But, regardless of how long it takes, every step you take toward gathering what you need for your nest will be time well spent.
Getting to Know – After gathering what you need, spend some time simply being with your home and the people and things you have gathered. Often people do not turn out to be the way we thought. We are surprised for good and ill more often than not. The same applies to the situations and places that you have gathered. Give them some time to show you who they are. You are building a life, not a model airplane. Get to know them and see if they fit in with your home.
Arranging – Once you have an idea of who and what these pieces are, spend time arranging them around you. Not every friend needs to be seen every week and not every house needs a huge couch. Arrange them until they feel “at home” to you.
Basking – And once you discover that a home has enfolded you, sit back and enjoy them and it. Spend time. Let them nourish and support you as you nurture and care for them and it.
Welcome home!
Bob Dees