​These are among the things that my prejudice has cost me.
 
Love and Trust – The growing capacity for placing other's needs ahead of my own and entrusting others with my needs.
 

• My biases draw me away from people who could and should be companions for my journey.  I allow my first impression to steer me away from people who would enrich my mind and soul.  Prejudged relationships seldom develop in ways that reach beneath the surface of "cocktail party" conversations.  We will withhold trust when a relationship is grounded in a bias.  I will neither invest myself in their needs nor entrust them with my needs.  Biases and prejudices that grow out of them diminish my capacity for loving, trusting relationships.

 

• On a broader scale, my prejudices prevent me from being part of communities that can help me through my struggles.  There was a time when a person would rather die than receive a transfusion from a person of a different race.  Similarly, prejudice has isolated me from communities that have been through many of the same struggles I have faced, both personally and professionally.  But, I did not benefit from their wisdom and insight because I had already decided that it was either irrelevant to me or deeply flawed.  I would not listen, even when that community had a clear perspective on the concerns that filled my body-mind-soul.

 

• On those rare occasions when I broke through my prejudice, I was rendered deaf to hearing the truth when it conflicted with my unnamed biases.  I quickly discarded inconvenient truths from people who were not respected (meaning they existed beyond my comfort range for a relationship).  Sometimes their words were pushed aside because they could not possibly understand my situation.  I discounted their wisdom as inappropriate and biased against me and my situation.  Sometimes, I would have to engage in personal attacks on them just to create enough noise to drown out their voice in my soul.  I could neither receive their gifts of love nor offer them the gifts of respect and simple human decency.

 

• All three of these have eroded my capacity for love and trust.  They reduced my spiritual health and created a vacuum where anger, bitterness, and resentment flowed in and destroyed these relationships.

 
Joy and Hope – The growing capacity for finding meaning in each day and believing that the best is yet to come.
 

• My prejudices have stolen my capacity to see the beauty in differences and diversity among my companions.  I love sushi, but a bias against raw fish prevented me from ever trying it.  Over the years, my prejudice against people different from myself has confirmed my bias for people like me.  My eyes could not see the beauty in different cultures.  My ears struggled to hear the music of other voices.  My mind would not embrace the questions asked by other cultures because I believed my culture had already answered them.  My capacities for joy and hope diminish when my eyes are veiled to the beauty in other people and cultures.

 

• Most painful of all, hope ebbs when I pass my biases and prejudices on to those who love, trust, and look up to me.  The future's horizon becomes more clouded.  I have stolen their capacity for joy and hope from them in the name of helping them see things "as they really are." My shared prejudice becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy that will long outlive me in the body-mind-soul of those who trusted me.

 

• Both of these erodes not only my capacity for joy and hope but also takes away another generation's capacity as well.  By teaching my prejudices as the "way of the world," I will have made room for a continuing resistance to justice and peace well into the future.  I have not only prevented joy and hope from growing, but I have also planted the seeds of cynicism and despair in my children and grandchildren.

 
 
But, by far, the most significant personal cost to my spiritual health has been the loss of authenticity in my life.  Authenticity is being real with ourselves and the world around us.  The word authentic grew out of an old Greek word for authority.  We become inauthentic when we allow something other than the facts or reality to become our authority.  We begin to live a lie.  We neither know ourselves or others.  We get lost in flights of fantasy.  We become blind to our faults and to the truth that exists beyond our wants and wishes.  We not only live behind a mask; we carefully construct that mask to present our false self to the world and to ourselves.  All the while, we live in fear that someone will see through the mask and rip it off.  But we are more fearful that we will see ourselves than we are that others may get to know the real us.
 
Unnamed and unacknowledged fear and despair drive the inauthentic life.  They make spiritual health impossible as we serve our needs first and foremost while letting others take care of themselves.  We hurry to the front of the line before the good stuff runs out.  The world is a place of scarcity, and we believe that those who are not “looking out for #1” are not successful or worthy of our attention.  Love and trust, joy and hope are words for suckers and losers.  Such attitudes and beliefs are the product of eyes, ears, hearts, and minds that have been blinded by bias and prejudice.  They linger in the hidden recesses of the human spirit.  Our fears and selfishness become the authority in our lives and the authors of our biography.

​What can I, as an older, white cis male do?
 
In closing, I am only talking about what I can do for myself.  These actions are not a prescription or universal antidote for prejudice.  I share it only to help you, the reader, begin to listen to and choose ways that you can deal with your own bias and prejudice.  I hope these musings are helpful.
 
I see my own biases and prejudices as a cancer on my spirit, body-mind-soul.  They are taking away my capacity for love and trust, joy and hope.  There are two common ways to deal with cancer when our natural immunity does not prevent it from occurring.  We can find a "drug," an outside agent, that will kill it.   Or we can find a way to cut it out, surgically removing it from our spirit.  Education and experience of other cultures can serve as a useful "drug."  But, living into and accepting my prejudices and not allowing them to hold sway over my life is a painful but successful "surgical" method.  Unfortunately, this surgery will require that I "cut deep and wide enough" to find clean margins to prevent the prejudices from growing back.  I may need to remove large parts of my assumptions, beliefs, and daily routines.  I will need to accept that both the "surgery" and education/experience will be necessary if I am to move beyond relying on my biases and prejudices to write my daily story.  Here are a few of the ideas I am using to achieve this forever goal.
 
I must assume that I have unhealthy biases at play in my soul.  My soul is not pristine and shiny.  I have learned and created all kinds of biases that have metastasized into life-stealing prejudices.
 
I will pay attention to the little bursts of fear or resentment when I encounter people who are different from me.  These are signs that I have encountered these hidden tumors, and I need to let them teach me about my prejudices and biases.
 
I must second-guess all of my first impressions.  I tend to hide my bias against people who are different from myself in these first impressions.  These unthinking presuppositions slip by so quickly that I often miss them.  But I am committing more energy to detect and process these instantaneous prejudgments.  Hopefully, I will become more skilled at catching these as time goes on.
 
I am listening and learning about stereotypes.  I have two books on my Kindle that are proving helpful at the moment.   They are How to Be an Antiracist by Ibram X. Kendi and Over-Coming Bias by Tiffany Jana and Matthew Freeman.   I am also watching quite a few documentaries on racism and other expressions of prejudice.  These experiences are helping me to examine my expectations of others for evidence of these stereotypes in my day-to-day living.
 
I seek out relationships with people different from myself.  I do so to listen and learn.  I engage and cultivate meaningful relationships with them.  I not only come to appreciate their experiences, but more importantly, I begin to see myself more clearly in the mirror they hold up to me.
 
I try the art, food, and music from other cultures without preconceived ideas or expectations.  That first bite is all-important.  However, the second bite is also essential to avoid relying solely on a first impression.  I will give them a fair seeing, tasting, and hearing.
 
I will continue to learn the difference between a preference that serves a valuable purpose and a bias that destroys my relationships with other people.  I am working to recognize a healthy bias from one that does damage to myself and others. 
 
I appreciate those of you who have stayed with me through this lengthy self-care note.  These words are hard-won after countless battles within my spirit.  I realize that they will need to revised and likely re-written as the days, weeks, and months pass.  But I am honored by your attention.  I hope that they will inspire you to make an honest effort at understanding and addressing your own biases and cancerous prejudices. 
 
By assessing the real cost of our prejudice and identifying the damage we do to our own and other's lives, will we begin to lay them aside for a healthier and more just path ahead.
 
Blessings,
Bob

​I felt terrific two weeks ago.  I had just come through a dark period where the quarantine had slowly mutated into an exile.  I had been sad for myself and all those who could not go out because so many refused to take their risk to others seriously.  But, two weeks ago, I had begun to accept my situation, and a better mood began to take hold.  I chose resilience as the topic for my next self-care note, and immediately, my muse fell silent.
 
My muse usually shows up in my waking thoughts, somewhere between 5:00 and 7:00 AM.  I would tap her ideas into a Note on my smartphone.  But there are no notes on resilience from that period.  I would get those insights into my journal and develop them a bit each day, but my journal only holds the debris of my days in exile.  My muse had gone silent.  I finished the care notes I were in process, but any new note had to wait.  My exile had claimed another victim.
 
Fortunately, a few days ago, she returned with a whisper.  I asked her where she had been, and she answered with a story from my days as a hospice Chaplain.  I was talking with a man who had lost his wife to a brief battle with cancer.  They had been married for 50+ years.  I used the phrase "New Normal" several times, and his eyes flashed.  I asked him what he was thinking, and he replied, "You keep talking about a New Normal.”  “I'm not finished with my old normal.”  “Why do I need a new one?”  Why had my muse gone silent?  Because I wasn't finished with my old normal!  
 
“New Normal” is a phrase that comes out of grief work that refers to the unknown "not yet" that follows a life-changing loss.  It is part of the great mystery that exists around all of us.  It reveals itself in its own time and at its own pace.  This time between the old ways and the emergence of new routines, attitudes, and beliefs is a never-never land of the unfinished and uncharted.  The former has not yet passed, but the new has not yet arrived.  Unfortunately, as long as we are not finished with the old normal, the new normal cannot develop.   We become mired in a limbo between the two.  For most of us, in times such as these, resilience is just a word.
 
I was still harboring hopes of getting out in the motorhome for a month-long trip to exciting destinations.  I was holding on to visions of going for a walk in the park with others who were appropriately masked and socially distanced.   I was anticipating a return to the days “before.”  I desperately wanted to believe that the exile would end sooner rather than later.  I felt my spirit bounce with resilience with each wish and hope.  Fortunately, my muse, the inner voice of my body-mind-soul, was much more attuned to the world within and the world beyond.  She knew that as long as I held on to my old normal, I could not bounce into a new one. 
 
Here is a most inconvenient truth about the new normal.  In times of significant loss, whether we are finished with it or not, the old normal is gone.  It has not taken a holiday.  It will not return, refreshed, and renewed.  The old normal has moved on and will not come back.  When a life-changing loss stirs our spirits to grieve, the old normal is forever beyond our reach. 
 
We have three choices when this happens.  We can ignore or deny the loss. We can grudgingly accept it.  Or we can learn to live in anticipation of the not-yet. 
 
If we ignore or deny our loss, we will become stuck in a cycle of sadness and remembering.  Our yearning for yesterday crowds out our anticipation and awareness for what will be.  When we feel a flash of anticipation, it is a desire to go back to what was, not forward into what will be.  We may deny the loss and say it is not real.  We may not acknowledge it or downplay its significance.  We may refuse to allow it to change our lives.  This lifestyle of ignorance and denial will become our tragic new normal.  We will lose touch with ourselves and the world around us.
 
If we make the second choice and grudgingly accept our loss, we risk a hard life of needing that which we know we cannot have.  We may latch on to whatever false notion promises us the opportunity to step back into the old normal.  We may rely on conspiracy theories and charlatans who offer us a way back to "the good old days." In the process of chasing these phantoms, many new opportunities will slip by without notice.  The world will move on, and we will find ourselves sitting in a cluttered room filled with all the failed ideas and experiences of a wasted life.  Our grief will deepen, and our daily living will feel empty and futile.
 
But, if our spirits are healthy enough, we will learn to live in anticipation of the new normal that awaits us.  We will bounce!
 
Resilience is the ability to bounce while on the edge of mystery.  It is the capacity to keep going, doing our best with partial information without yielding to or acting on unfounded fears, unjustified theories, and herd-following behaviors.  Resilience is "Keeping our head about us…" I prefer this choice.
 
But this choice depends on a deep capacity for love and trust, joy and hope.  It requires a spirit that can process our inner life and the world around us with the full engagement of our body, mind, and soul.  We will need to be free to take in raw information, process it critically, and draw enough energy from our soul to make an intentional effort to walk into a new and unfamiliar world.  In short, it will demand that we be spiritually healthy in body, mind, and soul. 
 
Over the next couple of weeks, I will explore ways to develop the resilience of body-mind-soul by becoming more spiritually healthy.  I invite you to spend this time with me while we are still in exile.  I invite you to become more intentional about deepening your capacities for love and trust, joy and hope.  Let us discover ways to let go of what was and eagerly anticipate the new normal that awaits us on the other side of these dark days.
 
Blessings,
Bob

How do we handle this exile when we learn that we are no longer "in this together?"
 
First and foremost, allow yourself to let go of the life you believe you should be living, at least for now.  Recognize and process the grief that will come with this loss.  Allow the emotions a safe place to vent.  Name your losses.  Allow your grieving to guide you through the darkened days that will come.  However, also know that the tears will end and a new normal will dawn.  Our grief is a journey, not a destination.
 
Second, cultivating hope in your daily living.  Hope and despair are not enemies.  Despair is the ground out of which our hope grows.  Our despair is a sprig of hope struggling to break through into the light.  As long as we remain in the darkness, we must struggle through each moment.  But when we begin to break free, we draw strength from the light shining in and through our body-mind-soul.  That light gives us what we need to persevere with patience.  Unfortunately, that darkness may return.   Is so, remember that hope and despair are not enemies.  We are in the very ground, out of which a newfound hope will soon grow.  All you have to do is keep your eyes open to see the light breaking through the gloom.  Keep your eyes open; life will do the rest.
 
Next, stay informed but pay attention to your misery quotient.  We must stay up to date with the world around us.  The virus is very unpredictable.  The community is being pulled apart by opportunistic politicians and greedy business leaders.  But, pay attention when the news is stealing from your spirit.  Ignore those news outlets that are seeking to make you angry or overwhelm your capacities for love and trust, joy and hope.  Instead, listen for the facts about what is happening.  Stay in touch with reality and brush aside those who seek to provoke and manipulate.  Stay up to date.  But protect your spirit from the sadness that grows out of the lies, distortions, and outright scams.
 
Next, find your community.  We all need relationships.  We need a place where we can gather around a campfire with others and share our lives.  Social distancing makes this very difficult.  Technology can help.  Facetime with family and friends.  Zoom in to meetings with co-workers or companions.  Use Facebook or Instagram to share your daily living.  Reread some favored authors and become reacquainted with these old friends.  Talk to your neighbors by having across-the-street conversations.  Journal your remembrances of family and friends who are no longer with you. "Social distancing" is an unfortunate phrase.  We need to be physically isolated, but we do not have to be socially or emotionally isolated.  Find your community and stay in touch.
 
Stressful times demand that we become more intentional about caring for our body-mind-soul.  Eat well.  Get some exercise.  Make room for rest.  That tiredness you are feeling is the result of stress.  Expand your mind.  Watch TED talks.  Tune in to YouTube and watch documentaries or travelogues.  Listen to your favorite music.  Explore new artists.  Pick up a book.  Engage in meaningful conversations with people.  Expand your interests.  Spend time with yourself, listening in on your inner conversations.  Journal your daily activities and review the journal from time to time.  Make room for your feelings and be mindful of how you are responding to them.  Pay special attention to the changes in your capacity for love and trust, joy and hope.  Be intentional about caring for your whole spirit, body-mind-soul.
 
Do not lose your laughter.  Allow humor to soften the blows of exile.  Do not let the strange and humorous events escape your notice.  Watch those videos of puppies and playful goats on Facebook.  Go ahead and laugh out loud when you see the bizarre ironies at play on the news.  I read the newspaper comics online every morning.  There is healing magic in laughter.  Claim the magic.
 
Lastly, find a project or two!  Give yourself a reason to get out of bed each morning.  Do something you always wanted but were too busy to put on your schedule.  It does not have to be something big.  Learn to draw or paint.  Take an online course.  Explore a new craft.  Many years ago, a friend of mine decided that he want to learn to knit.  After a few weeks, I asked him how it was going.  He said it was going great.  He enjoyed the knitting almost as much as he enjoyed pulling his lopsided, poorly shaped projects apart.  Besides, he added, I can use the same yarn over and over again!  Find a project and take more joy in the "doing" than in the "having done."
 
We do not choose to live in exile from our hopes and dreams.  Life in exile does not feed our soul.  We have been forced into it, and all we can do is to find ways to cope.  I hope this self-care note has helped you recognize the source of your newfound pain in exile.  I further hope it has given you some ideas about how to cope with our new "not-in-this-together" lives.  Be well, my friends.  The dawn awaits us on the other side of this darkness.
 
I look forward to walking together, hand-in-hand, into the sunshine once again.

​Blessings, my friends.  Stay well!
 
Bob

"You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. I hope someday you'll join us. And the world will live as one." ~John Lennon
 
"Hold fast to dreams,
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird,
That cannot fly."
~Langston Hughes
 
"If you're reading this...
Congratulations, you're alive.
If that's not something to smile about,
then I don't know what is."
~Chad Sugg

Tips – Disciplined Discernment
 
Here are a few things to consider as you begin discerning your way into the next few days and weeks.

• Allow your observations, experiences, and ideas to be "tried in the crucible of doubt," especially when you think you have found the answer.

 

• Patience - Give it time.  Sometimes there are an awful lot of trees to walk around before you can see the sunrise.  Let reality confirm or challenge your discernment in its own time.

 

• Attentiveness - Give the evidence of your senses a louder voice than your mind's expectations. Let the noise and fog become part of the evidence.  It will remind you of what is at stake and show you ways of responding in real-time in the real world.  Give your experience a prominent place at the table

 

• Seek out Trusted Companions
  • Sound out your thoughts and feelings
  • Listen carefully to those who disagree with you - Listen and test your ideas with people who disagree with you.  Whether they are right or wrong is not the issue.  Ask yourself why they see things differently.  Compare them to the real world and then adjust your ideas and responses accordingly.
  • Allow both positive and negative evidence a fair hearing.  Both have something to teach you.
• If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.  Look beyond the comfortable and seek out the inconvenient ideas and experiences around you that conform with the real world.

 

• Lastly, when your body-mind-soul has come to rest on a "best" insight or belief, ask yourself one simple question, "Is it real?" If so, act accordingly but continue to let the world teach you.

​Blessings, my friends, travel well!
Bob

"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away." ~Philip K. Dick
​

​Mindfulness – Pay attention! 

• Keep your body-mind-soul alert to the world around you.
• Stay informed. 
• Listen to the medical people who have your best interests at heart. 
• Learn what you can about the virus so that you can make informed decisions. 
• Discern the currents of thought as well as the currents of emotion flowing in and around you.
• Listen to your body.  If symptoms begin to appear, make the phone call, and get tested. 
• Be aware that there are those around you who may be more vulnerable and wear the mask even though it is uncomfortable and feels odd.
• Be mindful of yourself, those around you, and the world around you.

 
Stay Open to Life as it evolves in and around you

• Allow yourself to grieve the losses that you are experiencing.
• Celebrate small victories that will occur from time to time. (Like getting almost everything on your grocery list.)
• Let gratitude germinate, even in the thin, rocky soils of the pandemic.
• Give your emotions a fair hearing, but do not allow them to be the only voices you hear.
• Include both “no” and “yes” in your responses based on your best judgment.
• Maintain realistic expectations and allow room for pleasant surprises.
• Give yourself a break.  Do the best you can.  Learn from your mistakes, and then let them go.
• Leave the big questions open but explore and journal your musings.  It will help you make sense of all this when it is over.
• Stay Connected to the world around you.  While maintaining social distance, stay connected with those people that help you see and stay balanced in life.  Stay connected to the things that make your life worth getting up each day.  To quote a bit of over-hyped wisdom, Live – Laugh – Love. 

 
Take care of yourself.  Stay rooted in your life.  The winds will blow.  The floods may rise.  The infections will continue.  The deaths will continue.  And, recoveries will be far more prevalent.  Through it all, we will know that peace is possible for those with deep roots.
 
Peace, my friends!
Bob Dees

First Aid for the Anxious
 
Using Your Body to Stay Grounded
 
Being Grounded
​

​How do I find these wisdom teachers in my life?  Engage – Engage – Engage!
 
Do not hole up and disconnect from the world around you. 

• Stay engaged on social media. 
• Stay in touch with friends and family through phone calls, zoom, Facetime, email, and texting. 
• Read the CDC and WHO websites. 
• Follow trusted news outlets. 
• Read books, both the classics and modern genres. 
• Watch old movies, especially those from eras when life was uncertain. 
• Watch TED talks. 
• Ask others how they are doing and be honest when asked about ourselves. 
• Share recipes, crafts, stories, and other activities. 
• Have porch, balcony, or fire escape conversations with your neighbors.
• But above all, be discerning.  Do they have words of wisdom or are they bad examples?  listen carefully and learn judiciously.

 
The keywords are “stay safely engaged.”
 
Listen for and observe the wisdom that is being shared.  Let their stories inform you.  Allow their journey to help you shape your own future story.
 
Engage – Engage – Engage 
 
Blessings,
Bob

​Those who have been following these Self-Care Notes for a while know that I usually offer some tips on things we can do to improve our Spiritual Health. These tips generally include spiritual disciplines and practices, physical health ideas, and mental exercises. The notes are about motivating the reader to use these practices to improve their lives.
 
This week, I will be exploring healthy laments that will help us lay a foundation for hope in these difficult days. But lament is not a spiritual discipline or any other exercise for body-mind-soul. It is not something we do. We do not call up lament and start it rolling through our spirit. Instead, lament rises from deep within our souls and overflows into our mind and body. It is not voluntary. Lamentation happens!
 
For our purposes in this note, lament is a profound response to a painful emotion. It is a type of “soulquake” that engages the mind and body in responding to the anger, fear, guilt, shame, disappointment, or hatred that rises from our depths. It may spur the body to fight or run away. It can bring old and painful memories to the surface. Lament can trigger old feelings, buried under thick scars in our minds and souls. Lamentation happens! We do not choose it. Nor can we control its power over our inner life.  
 
Lament is not a discipline to be learned, but it does require discipline. We can learn from it and allow it to lead us through the darkened valleys in our daily lives. A lament can be a healthy response to a painful experience when we acknowledge our feelings, give them a voice, and listen to what they have to tell us. (See last week’s Self-Care Note). Lament requires the discipline not to deny or bury the lament. It demands the mental and soulful maturity to let it out into our awareness and ride it until the energy that it produces can channel us into healthier ways of living.
 
Right now, many people are dealing with all kinds of painful emotions. We are going through varying degrees of anger, fear, guilt, shame, disappointment, and hatred. These emotions are happening to us. We cannot control their appearing or disappearing. They may show themselves as angry, blaming outbursts directed at innocent bystanders. They may set self-doubts aflame with bitter self-criticism and condemnation. They may trigger old memories that evoke long-buried feelings of incompetence or persecution. While we cannot control these inner experiences, we can control how we express them in our daily lives. In such moments, discipline plays an important role. We can control how we vent and use the energy created by these emotions in the outside world.

​First and foremost, do not resist or deny your lament. Too many people rely upon denial to mask their painful emotions. Denial is a helpful short-term method. But in the long run, it will erode our sense of self and cripple our inner life. It can lead us to divorce our inner reality from our daily living. Unfortunately, that energy it creates will find its way to the surface.  It can explode, causing harm to those around us, especially those we love.  When that energy and emotion does surface, it is likely that we (nor those around us) will know or understand our outburst. Therefore, do not hold it on.  Let that lament in your soul rise to the surface and express itself, thus avoiding future meltdowns. 
 
Second, resist feeling guilty for being in lament. Many people, especially deeply religious folks, feel guilty when they allow lament to surface. They take it as a sign of weak faith or a lack of a reasonable understanding of life. They feel bad about feeling sad. This sadness complicates the experience and adds a new layer that will need to be peeled away before we can address our lament. Lamentation happens, even to the most faithful. Do you remember who spoke the words, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me!”?
 
Next, do not confuse losing hope with being in despair. Despairing of the future is an all-too-familiar experience for the human heart. When our hurt-filled feelings overwhelm our positive expectations, we enter into despair. However, this is not the same as losing hope. Our pain may temporarily cloud our view of the promised land, but desperation cannot dissipate faith. Hope is deep-rooted.  Real hope rises out of our relationship to that in which we place our highest trust. As long as we know that our god (whether that is the God of Abraham and Jesus or the power of life itself) walks with us and wants the best for us, hope will continue.  Again, the clouds of despair may obscure hope, but the light will return. Our hope will rise from the darkness. Do not confuse despair with losing hope.
 
Third, stay authentic with your feelings. Acknowledge and claim them. Do not make more or less of them than they deserve. A momentary disappointment is not a sentence to a lifetime of failure. Deep anger is not a permanent declaration of war. A burning sense of shame or guilt is not a final judgment on our value and worth as human beings. They are indications of a disruption in our lives at this moment and under these circumstances. Stay in the “now” with them. Keep your responses tied to these feelings, and this moment. Keep them authentic and real. Do not allow your lament to exaggerate, catastrophize, or minimize your situation.
 
Lastly, be aware of how your lament is touching those around you. If you are hurting others, step away from them. Mitigate your outward expressions. If others are following you into your lament, leaning on your experiences rather than their own, move away and give them space for their lament. Beware of the “Job’s friends” around you who will try to explain away your feelings or encourage you to “not feel this way. Often, these folks are more interested in avoiding their pain than they are in dealing with yours. If you are unsure of how others are responding to your lament, seek out a safe place to express yourself.  However, if others are sitting with you, without judgment, and offering a caring presence without a lot of words, keep them close. They are real friends who have your best interests at heart.
 
I close this self-care note with some wisdom from my Dad. He was a greater believer is planting by the moon. He would only plant certain crops by the “dark of the moon.”  He believed that this gave the seeds more of what they needed to grow into a healthy garden. 
 
I believe that the seeds of hope are best planted in the darkness of lament. Those small seeds, smaller even than a mustard seed, will have what they need to grow into great hope. The night will give the seed the humility to sprout new life. It will allow the seed the room to imagine and see life as it could be. The darkness will teach the seed to live “as if.”  Not all seeds planted, even in the dark of the moon, will sprout. But those seeds that do take root will sustain us when the darkness gathers once again.
 
These are days lament. The losses will continue to accumulate, and painful feelings will stir “soulquakes” deep within ourselves and those around us. Let’s give each other room to lament.   Avoid rushing each other through our lamentations.  Sit patiently with one other. Allow these days to be an opportunity for seeing the best of the human spirit as it reveals hope.
 
My prayers and thoughts are with you.
 
Blessings,
 
Bob

During a recent discussion with some friends on Zoom, David said, “I don’t want to talk about hope right now.”  I suspect many of us share this feeling, though few may admit it.  Avoiding hope may feel like a confession that our faith is not strong enough to handle our pain.  We may fear being judged by others who seem to have it all together.  We may not want to set a “bad” example for those who look up to us.  Or, we may fear offending God.  At the very least, we risk inviting despair into our soul when we allow our hurt to overwhelm our hope. 
 
Why would a healthy spirit not want to think about hope?  My experience is that when we are unhealthy, we will reach out and grab whatever hope is within reach.  But we are unable to sit in our sackcloth and ashes long enough for genuine hope to return.  We bury our hurt in an avalanche of empty promises and hope-like words.  We silence our pain by denying its reality.  We vent our sorrow on others through anger and violence.  We may even turn our hurting inward where it mutates into a fit of self-focused anger and fall into a deep and corrosive depression. 
 
However, the healthy spirit resists the shallow and too convenient hope or other escape routes. The healthy spirit allows our grief and pain their time and season.  The healthy spirit is willing to wait out the darkness. The short-term loss of love and trust, joy and hope does not diminish our capacity for them.  The healthy spirit knows that the darkness has a gift to offer and is able to embrace it.
 
Walter Brueggemann, an Old Testament scholar, has written extensively on the place of lament in the Psalms.  He has noted that over a third of the psalms are laments, confessions, and complaints.  The psalmist rails against the trials and misfortunes of life.  These laments arise from deep within our fears, disappointments, and grief.   They give voice to our hurts and losses without judgment or blame.  Like their cousins, awe and wonder, they are ultimate expressions of the reality of our lives.  Not only does “S&%t happen!” but it “Pis&%s me off!”  Such honesty is a rare gift that we dare not waste.
 
These laments open the doorways to a deeper understanding of who we are and the meaning for our lives.  We only lament the loss of those things that are deeply important to us. Our anger reveals those ideas or experiences that violate our deepest beliefs and convictions.  Our shame offers a glimpse into that inner self that we hide from ourselves.  When we embrace our laments, the doorway of self-awareness opens, and we establish a deeper, richer connection with self.
 
Lament invites others into deeper connections with a healthy spirit.  Our tears allow others to enter into our pain through compassion, sharing our pain.  Our anger acts as a signal flare to those who love us that something has gone awry.  A healthy spirit’s withdrawal into shame creates room for others to step closer and surround us with grace.  A healthy lament builds paths to compassion, companionship, and grace.
 
A healthy spirit allows their lament to keep them focused on doing what they need to do in difficult times.  They mobilize the energy we need to address the situations that caused our distress.  When we are spiritually unhealthy, we may try and avoid the problem, deny it, or fix it before we understand the cause.  But the healthy spirit, through lament, admits the reality of the problem and helps the mind and body to focus on addressing it in a helpful way.  There is no rush to judgment or latching on to an easy or convenient ill-conceived explanation or plan.  Lament allows us the space we need to strive to understand the situation and deal with it.  Lament recognizes that trial and error may need to be part of the plan.  Lament keeps our body-mind-soul focused on doing what needs to be done, which may include sitting at home and waiting it out.
 
Most importantly, lament makes room for the only real hope there is, a deep trust in the power and will at the very core of life. 
 
For the religious, a lament will open a path to the God who has already walked with them through dark valleys.   Psalm 22 speaks to many.  The expression of forsakenness in this Psalm calls to mind those times when their God was at their side.  It reinforces the relationship they share with their God.  It leads the lamenting spirit to rest in the loving God who has walked, is walking, and will walk with the faithful in times of darkness.
 
For others who do not ascribe to any religious system, lamentation will bring to mind a remembering of life itself as an unfathomable mystery.  A healthy lamentation will lead them to remembering that life has always found a way.  When a meteor wiped out a world dominated by reptilians, life channeled its energy into the small mammals that scurried along the ground.  Life adapts.  It has a strong will to continue.  It is the mysterious power that lives and moves and gives existence to creation.  Lamentation allows life to step back and rely upon itself, making room for hope to grow, especially in the darkness.
 
Embrace your lamenting by relying on your remembering.  Your lament will not be the final word.  Instead, it can be your first step toward the new life that awaits you on the other side of this darkness.  Let it teach you.  It will help you discern what is good about the life that has slipped away.  And, it will show you what needs to be left behind as you move forward into your new life that is being created.  Your lamentations bring wondrous gifts.  Do not waste them. 
 
Next week I will share some ideas on healthy lamentations.  Until then, do not give up on life.  It will find a way!
 
Bob
 

The Necessity of Lament
 
Brueggemann on Lamentation