Physical Boundaries
Our physical presence in the world is our basic experience of being alive. We share this presence with all of those around us whether they are known or unknown. Physical presence can be understood as concentric circles that begin with our body and extend outward. Our physical boundaries include giving others access to physical touch or the zone of intimacy that surrounds us. There are other physical boundaries that extend beyond these limits and can generally be recognized by our level of comfort as people approach us. These distances vary with individual temperament or history, culture, gender, as well as many other factors.
Under most circumstances we have control over how close we allow people to approach us. If someone steps in too close, we will either step back or tell the other person to “back off.” We generally make these responses intuitively based on our feelings and our understanding of the relationship we have with the person. If someone invades our personal space, we may feel threatened. If we are unable to assert control over the space, we will feel trapped. This is the definition of a severe physical boundary violation.
It is a fundamental principle of self-care that we have an obligation to ourselves and others to establish and maintain appropriate physical boundaries based on our level of comfort. If someone encroaches on our space and makes us uncomfortable, we can and should make them aware of their violation of our space and take whatever actions we can to restore our comfort and feeling of well-being. It is best if we can do so without doing harm to ourselves or the other. However, if we must take actions that will cause harm to the other, then this is justified based on the risk of relative harm to our health and well-being. The greater the risk, the greater the response. This is called self-defense and involves some very complicated legal and moral issues that are beyond the scope of this self-care note.
For our purposes, physical boundaries exist to promote the health and safety of ourselves and others, especially when our living space become crowded. We have the obligation to protect not only our physical boundaries as well as the boundaries of others based on their levels of physical comfort or distress.
Social Boundaries
In addition to our physical boundaries, we also have social comfort zones, or boundaries. These are generally understood by how we describe our relationship to them. We may call them our lover, our parent, our child, our sibling, a companion, an acquaintance, a co-worker, etc. In addition, they may be regarded as a friend or an enemy. (Sometimes they may be both at the same time or alternating between the two.) A friend characterizes a relationship that encourages and assists us in becoming healthier. While an enemy is someone who challenges us and may tempt us into unhealthy ways of living. There is a third category of people we choose to exclude from our social comfort zones. They are part of our social network in name only. We make little, if any space for them in our lives.
Self-care of our social zones involves managing who we will be actively engaged with at a given time. This will include both friends and enemies by allowing them greater or lesser closeness. It will also involve choosing who will and will not be part of our social support and network. By maintaining a healthy support group among the people around us we are able to grow through difficult circumstances.
This support group will almost always involve people you claim as friends and a few who will exist, at times, as enemies. They keep us strong and honest. They will help us be “real” with ourselves and challenge us to accept and grow through adversity as well as prosperity. Many will test our “mettle” and help us discover who we are and why act the way we do. They may even help us set aside unhealthy ways of living and embrace a more healthful lifestyle. We accept responsibility for these social boundaries by managing the time we spend engaging with these individuals as well as the physical presence we allow them.
When we make appropriate time and space in our lives for those who will help us grow through and into healthier and happier lives, we are engaging in meaningful self-care.
Tip - Actively Participate in A Community
Our tip this week involves going a bit deeper with the assessment we began last week.
Does your social network include?
- People who have pushed their way into your life and make you feel uncomfortable?
- People who do not always agree with you but are able to help you see things more clearly?
- People who bring you comfort just because of their presence?
- People who you believe depend upon you for a sense of place and comfort?
- Enough community to remind you that you are part of something greater than yourself?
- Enough space to allow for solitude when needed?
- Family and/or friends that allow you enough time and space to gain some perspective on our life?
Lastly, are you able to say “No!” when someone intrudes upon your time and space? Are you willing and able to accept when someone tells you “No!”?
Each of us relies upon others to live a meaningful life. These people inhabit concurrent rings of relationship and physical presence in your life. By accepting responsibility for establishing clear boundaries and using appropriate means for maintaining/defending them, we can find our tribe and the village that is an essential part of healthy living.
Blessings,
Bob