​Taking care of ourselves while we are engaged in relationships with others is all about establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries.  In the next couple of weeks, I will be discussing the mental and emotional boundaries that help us support our spiritual health, but this week I will refer to two particular types of boundaries, physical and the social.
 
Physical Boundaries
Our physical presence in the world is our basic experience of being alive.  We share this presence with all of those around us whether they are known or unknown.  Physical presence can be understood as concentric circles that begin with our body and extend outward.  Our physical boundaries include giving others access to physical touch or the zone of intimacy that surrounds us.  There are other physical boundaries that extend beyond these limits and can generally be recognized by our level of comfort as people approach us.  These distances vary with individual temperament or history, culture, gender, as well as many other factors. 
 
Under most circumstances we have control over how close we allow people to approach us.  If someone steps in too close, we will either step back or tell the other person to “back off.”  We generally make these responses intuitively based on our feelings and our understanding of the relationship we have with the person.  If someone invades our personal space, we may feel threatened.  If we are unable to assert control over the space, we will feel trapped.  This is the definition of a severe physical boundary violation. 
 
It is a fundamental principle of self-care that we have an obligation to ourselves and others to establish and maintain appropriate physical boundaries based on our level of comfort.  If someone encroaches on our space and makes us uncomfortable, we can and should make them aware of their violation of our space and take whatever actions we can to restore our comfort and feeling of well-being.  It is best if we can do so without doing harm to ourselves or the other.  However, if we must take actions that will cause harm to the other, then this is justified based on the risk of relative harm to our health and well-being.  The greater the risk, the greater the response.  This is called self-defense and involves some very complicated legal and moral issues that are beyond the scope of this self-care note. 
 
For our purposes, physical boundaries exist to promote the health and safety of ourselves and others, especially when our living space become crowded.  We have the obligation to protect not only our physical boundaries as well as the boundaries of others based on their levels of physical comfort or distress.
 
Social Boundaries
In addition to our physical boundaries, we also have social comfort zones, or boundaries.  These are generally understood by how we describe our relationship to them.  We may call them our lover, our parent, our child, our sibling, a companion, an acquaintance, a co-worker, etc.  In addition, they may be regarded as a friend or an enemy.  (Sometimes they may be both at the same time or alternating between the two.)    A friend characterizes a relationship that encourages and assists us in becoming healthier.  While an enemy is someone who challenges us and may tempt us into unhealthy ways of living.  There is a third category of people we choose to exclude from our social comfort zones.  They are part of our social network in name only.  We make little, if any space for them in our lives. 
 
Self-care of our social zones involves managing who we will be actively engaged with at a given time.  This will include both friends and enemies by allowing them greater or lesser closeness.  It will also involve choosing who will and will not be part of our social support and network.  By maintaining a healthy support group among the people around us we are able to grow through difficult circumstances. 
 
This support group will almost always involve people you claim as friends and a few who will exist, at times, as enemies.  They keep us strong and honest.  They will help us be “real” with ourselves and challenge us to accept and grow through adversity as well as prosperity.  Many will test our “mettle” and help us discover who we are and why act the way we do.  They may even help us set aside unhealthy ways of living and embrace a more healthful lifestyle.  We accept responsibility for these social boundaries by managing the time we spend engaging with these individuals as well as the physical presence we allow them.
 
When we make appropriate time and space in our lives for those who will help us grow through and into healthier and happier lives, we are engaging in meaningful self-care.

​Actively participating in a community offers us the opportunities to manage both our physical and social boundaries.  In fact, the greatest teachers I have had in self-care of the body among friends and enemies, have been the small towns where I have lived.  They taught me that it truly does take a village, but just because someone lives close by does mean you have to be best friends with them.  They taught me the importance of caring for my fence and respecting my neighbors’ fence.  They taught me that life can be very lonely and unsatisfying when we do not allow others in.  They taught me that I do not have to agree with my neighbor in order for them to be my friend.  Small town living also taught me that there is no place to hide from ourselves.  We cannot really lose ourselves.  Instead, we must accept that we need a community around us and that we must take responsibility for being involved.
 
Our tip this week involves going a bit deeper with the assessment we began last week.
 
Does your social network include?

• People who have pushed their way into your life and make you feel uncomfortable?
• People who do not always agree with you but are able to help you see things more clearly?
• People who bring you comfort just because of their presence?
• People who you believe depend upon you for a sense of place and comfort?
• Enough community to remind you that you are part of something greater than yourself?
• Enough space to allow for solitude when needed?
• Family and/or friends that allow you enough time and space to gain some perspective on our life?

 
Lastly, are you able to say “No!” when someone intrudes upon your time and space?   Are you willing and able to accept when someone tells you “No!”?
 
Each of us relies upon others to live a meaningful life.  These people inhabit concurrent rings of relationship and physical presence in your life.  By accepting responsibility for establishing clear boundaries and using appropriate means for maintaining/defending them, we can find our tribe and the village that is an essential part of healthy living.
 
Blessings,
Bob
 

Social Connections Help You Live Longer
 
Do Not Touch Zone
 
Personal Space
 

​Relationships are vital to our health.  While having relationships is not a choice, being in relationship with others is purely optional.  We may choose our friends and whether we actively engage with them.   Having a family may be beyond our choosing but being in relationship with them is a choice.  We move in relationship with both family and friends by sharing some of our body-mind-soul space with them.  They are “in” us and we are “in” them.  Even when we seek to step away, we remain in relationship to them.  They take up space in our body-mind-soul.
 
There are different types of relationships.  There are family.  There are strangers.  There are enemies.  There are acquaintances.  There are people with whom we simply do business.  Among any of these groups we may even develop friends and enemies.  These latter categories give rise to the more complicated relationships in our lives.  As long as folks remain outside of our friends and enemies, they are relatively easy to manage.  We can choose our level of involvement with them.  We hold them at a distance and live our lives insulated from them.  But when we let them in to our body-mind-soul, these relationships become more complex and potentially more satisfying or destructive.  Managing self-care while in relationships is an important element of self-care.
 
This series is not about caring for friends or accepting care from our friends.  These are important activities in their own right.  But I will be more narrowly focused on caring for our self while we are among our friends and enemies.  How do we care for ourselves when we have allowed others in?  In short, “How do we handle our relationships within our body-mind-soul?”
 
A fundamental principle of this self-care is that we are responsible for who we let into our body-mind-soul.  No one has a right to come into our lives and take up residence in our body-mind-soul.  Some may have a more compelling reason to be “in friendship” with us, but they must still be offered an invitation.  Learning to manage these invitations is, unfortunately, a life skill that many of us fail to learn.  Society may have taught us that others have a “right” to be our friend.  Family members may demand that they be counted among our friends.  Others may want to befriend us for their benefit, not ours.  Some people believe they have a right to say when and where we invite or exclude people from our friendships.  By claiming some moral authority, they may believe they can dictate our friends and enemies.  But each of us has not only the right but also the responsibility to decide who becomes part of our friends and enemy circle.
 
For our purpose, I am defining friends and enemies as those people that we allow to have a claim on our time, our attention, and our emotional involvement.  These relationships may be nurturing or unhealthy.  When they are healthy, they increase our capacity for love and trust, joy and hope.  When these relationships are unhealthy, they take away from our capacity for resilience, self-understanding, self-respect, or self-control.  When these relationships lead us into unhealthy ways of living, they are enemies.  When they offer us a healthy life, they are friends.  The only difference between a friend and an enemy is whether the relationship is life-giving or life-taking.  But in either case, we have allowed them into our lives and given them space within our body-mind-soul.
 
A Word of warning!  Beware believing that friends are good, and enemies are bad.  Interestingly, the word enemy comes from the Latin word for “bad friend.”  Both our enemies and our friends are part of our social network.  We can learn from and grow through both as long as we recognize them for who they are and what they represent in our lives.  We can lessen the impact of our enemies by limiting their access to our body-mind-soul.  We can increase the positive impact of our friends by opening up our lives to them. 
 
However, self-care among our friends and enemies is all about healthy boundaries.  We will be exploring these boundaries over the next few weeks as we explore ways that we can take care of ourselves when we are among those we have invited into our lives.  I hope to offer some insights into how we manage these relationships and allow them to lead us into healthier ways of living.  I look forward to sharing this journey with you.

​A Friendship/Enemy Inventory
Taker a quick look at your contact list. 
 

• Take a survey of those who you would call when you were in trouble. 

 

• Make a mental note about those who you would definitely not call. 

 

• Check those who you might call under specific circumstances. 

 

• Make a quick review of your family on the list and see when or if you would call them.

 
This brief exercise will offer you a glimpse of your support network.   It may offer you some insights into areas where you have strong support and where you may need to focus some time and energy on managing your relationships.
 
Blessings,
Bob

Cultivating Healthy Relationships
 
Assessing Your Social Support
 
About Enemies
​

​While I am a newbie to retirement, the last 18 months have helped me understand one important aspect of being retired.  If we are able to choose the time and circumstances of our retirement, we can experience a sense of freedom that makes it all worth it.  This is especially true when it comes to retirement.  This does not mean we do not face challenges or problems.  It does not mean we can do whatever we want, whenever we want, or however we want.  We still live within same the constraints that have always been with us.  But, within the limitations (time, money, ability, and society) we have a greater freedom to be who we want to be and do what we want to do. 
 
However, this will only apply if we have claimed our retirement.  If we allow others to determine the nature and scope of our retirement, then we will not be able to experience the freedom that it brings.    I am not talking about the limitation or boundaries that we choose and for which we have accepted responsibility.  I am referring to those spoken or unspoken limitations that we may have with family, friends, previous employers, or promises to people who are no longer in our lives.  This becomes especially difficult when you use your retirement to try and keep everyone happy by meeting their needs, even when the conflict.
 
Claim your retirement and make it your own!  Accept responsibility for your life in retirement.  Acknowledge that you will likely make mistakes but use them as an opportunity.  Allow them to help you see where you need to make positive changes and use the hope generated by the opportunity to give you the energy to move forward.  There will be good gads and bad days.  Ride both of them out with your eye set on getting the most out of that moment. 
 
In retirement we are not simply waiting around.  Hopefully we will be actively living our lives recognizing that every single day is a gift.  Yes, we know mortality is on the distant or not so distant horizon.  But the one thing I learned from my years as a hospice chaplain was that living our life with hope is always a choice, even to our last breath. 
 
Embrace the opportunities that retirement brings.  Live every moment with gratitude.  Explore, enjoy, and be who your body-mind-soul wants you to be.  Cultivate love and trust, joy and hope.  Claim your retirement and make it your own!
 
Blessings,
 
Bob

The Gifts of Retirement
 
A Healthy Retirement
 
AARP

​Retirement is a significant change in our lives.  It echoes throughout our daily lives and may bring a sense of dislocation, “out-of-sync-ness” to who we are.  If our retirement is voluntary, we may find it easier to let go of the past and embrace our new lives.  But if our retirement is involuntary (whether by health, employer, or just worn out) the letting go may be more difficult and the path ahead will be difficult to embrace.
 
For the voluntarily retired, it is relatively simple matter of caring for our soul.  It may mean intentionally re-investng ourselves in other parts of our lives, i.e. family, friends, hobbies, etc.  It will mean exploring new ways and discarding those paths that do not feed our soul.  It may still be challenging and may require some added commitment of energy and will.  However, the path into retirement will be walkable.
 
When the change is not voluntary, we will have a whole different “critter” to deal with, grief.   Grief is the expected reaction to an unwelcome change in our lives.  While grief is most commonly understood to be the result of losing a significant relationship in death, it also applies when we involuntarily lose something that is significant to us, such as a life-giving, meaning-producing job through retirement.  The path into an involuntary retirement can be much more difficult.  It will mean making room for the changes as they come into your life the while wrestling with anger, sadness, etc. along the way.
 
Both of these types of retirement will demand a great deal from our soul as the seat of energy and will.  They will require patience, honesty, and hope.  To generate these within the soul we will need the energy to get through challenges brought by the changes that retirement brings.  Our Tips will offer ways to take care of the energy in our soul.

​Generate energy in abundance through joy and gratitude.  Nothing brings a sense of strength to the soul better than good old gratitude.  Gratitude is the recognition that we have been gifted.  It is a soul that rejoices over the welcome gift.  Gratitude offers affirmation, healthy relationships, and a sense of connection that inspires joy.  In the process of being grateful we find the energy to deal with our struggles and can move forward.  In retirement, this energy is essential to our well-being.  It is important to note that gratitude is a choice.  While the gift is beyond our choosing, our response to our daily living can always include a sense of gratitude.
 
Watch out for the things that waste your energy.  Anger, shame, guilt, and despair can drain our energy very quickly.  They can make us tired.  While we cannot control when they appear in our lives, we can guard against their sapping our energy by refusing to dwell on them.  If we can acknowledge them and identify the reason for them, we will even find a bit of a boost in energy that will help us either address them or let them go.  But when we allow them to linger in the soul, they take away our will and make us weary.  Do not allow them to waste your energy as you enter retirement.
 
Using your energy well.  Spend your energy well.  Save your will power for the things that will bring you joy.  Do not invest the energy generated by your gratitude in wrestling with “shoulda’, coulda’, woulda’.”  Do not let problems and worries beyond your control steal away your joy and energy.  Stay focused on your path and use your energy to move you along.  It may not make the path much easier, but it will make moving forward possible.
 
When we invest our energy in people, positive situations, and addressing real needs we will multiply our joy and experience gratitude.   By dwelling on regrets, anger, a sense of victimhood, and/or shame our energy will be wasted and we will lose our capacity for hope in our retirement.   Without hope, we will find our capacities for love, trust, and joy diminished as well.
 
Retirement is a significant change.  It can be an opportunity to embrace a new path toward living or an occasion to give, lay down, and die.  By self-care of the soul, we can find the energy we need to move forward and embrace the road ahead with joy and gratitude.
 
Journey well, my friends!
Bob

The Forced Retirement
 
Dealing with Retirement Blues
 
Retirement and Grief
​