​Anyone who has ever watched any of the Chevy Chase “Vacation” movies will understand the phrase, “Family gatherings can be very risky.”  Granted the movies are fiction and exaggerate the risks that we take, but they do help us see ourselves and our families when we gather. 
 
Whenever the Dees or Roese Clans gathered there were several physical dangers we faced.  The most common was over-eating, especially for Thanksgiving.  The travel to and from could also be challenging, especially when the defroster stops working on the way home after New Year’s Eve with a light, freezing drizzle coming down.  Even Summer gatherings can be dangerous when an impromptu baseball game is played using a Yucca for second Base.  Family Gatherings can be risky.
 
When are focused on being together and excited about seeing family or friends, we may push the limits that would otherwise provide some restraint.  We may take a second, or third piece of pumpkin pie just because it tastes so good.  We may push through the night to arrive when we may be tired before we start.  Or we may want to recover the days when we and our siblings were growing up and pushing each other’s buttons just for fun.  Gathering as a family is a very complicated experience and requires that we be especially watchful for risky behaviors.

​I know we talked about the importance of saying “No”, last week but our tip this week is learning to give ourself permission to say “Yes”.
 
It is so easy to say “Yes” without a “First Thought.”  We may want that slice of pie, so “Yes” slips out before the mind asks the question.  Eating is what the family does on holidays.  “Yes” is the natural thing to do.  “Yes” can be an automatic response to any of the holiday temptations.  An automatic “Yes” is not a choice, it is a learned response not unlike Pavlov’s dogs.  We need to give ourselves permission to say “Yes” by engaging the mind before the choice is made.  By asking ourselves if this would be a good choice, we can think through your “Yes” and take responsibility for our self-care.
 
I realize that with thought that “Yes” can be hard to accept.  For the most part,  we want to be  good.  However, under most circumstances we can push the boundary a little.  But, if the goal is moderation then we need to be empowered to make the choice in order to accept the consequences of our actions.  This makes self-care of the body possible, even during the holiday family gatherings.  That second piece of pie will not be horrible.  The third however should have some serious thought behind it.  Enjoy your holidays, but be safe. Happy Holidays!
 

 Healthy Holiday Eating
 
Safe Holiday Driving
 
Getting Along with Grown-up Siblings

​Over the next 6 weeks many families will gather and celebrate the holidays.  These gatherings will follow traditional meals and rituals.  Old relationships will be renewed.  Memories, both good and bad, will likely surface in stories of shared experiences.  These gatherings can be very complicated causing most of us to try and slip through or endure.  But, they are part of our annual journey and we must accept them for what they are, the opportunity to be part of the family.
 
However, some years are more stressful than others.  There may have been significant changes in the family through marriages, births, deaths, serious illnesses, or divorces that can complicate these get togethers.  We, or others, may have had a life changing moment that has not yet been shared that with the wider family.  We may be feeling particularly vulnerable over situations or experiences that have nothing to do with the family or the holidays.  Regardless, many people find the large holiday gatherings with gamily to be very difficult and will try to either avoid them or limit their participation in them.
 
Over the next few weeks I will explore how family holiday gatherings can affect us and how we can take care of ourselves if they become too stressful.  

​Our tip for this week is a very simple one.  It is okay to say “No!”  During the holidays, each of us has the choice of saying “No” to demands that would be unhealthy for our body-mind-soul.  Does this mean we can slam the door on our family and friends?  Does this mean we can hide from discomfort behind a wall of isolation?  Should saying “No” be used merely because saying “Yes” would be inconvenient? Not really.

Say “No” to all or part of any holiday gathering when saying yes will have a significant impact on your body-mind-soul.  

Say “No” when your gathering will cost you significantly more energy than it will give you.

As “No” when you can reasonably assume that participating in all or part of the gathering will cause you significant sorrow, shame, or fear.

Remember, this is about self-care, not whether you can get a “free pass” from being part of the family.  If you legitimately feel that the gathering would be unhealthy for you, “No” is an acceptable option.  However, regardless of your choice, be prepared to accept responsibility for your choice.  Be prepared to deal with the hurt feelings of others when you do not participate.  Be prepared to offer a truthful and straight-forward reason(s) for your choice and leave it at that.  Some will accept your choice and some will not.  You have no control over others response or to their feelings about your choice.  But you will have no choice about whether you will need to live with it.  These gatherings can be very healing as well as stressful.  Weigh the impact on your body-mind-soul and choose wisely.

Surviving Holiday Family Gatherings
 
More Tips for Surviving the Holiday Family Gathering
 
Why Are Family Holidays Stressful?

​For the last few weeks we have been exploring how to take care of ourselves when the Seasons in life change.  We have explored the vulnerability of hope, the need to adapt our thinking to new situations and circumstances, and the importance of being realistic about our physical limitations.  Be warned.  Each of these tips are meaningless if we are incapable of truly knowing ourselves.
 
Plato quotes his teacher, Socrates, “Do thy own work.  Know thyself.”  This idea was so important to the people of Greece that they inscribed it on the Temple of Apollo in Delphi.  However, most of us do not know ourselves very well.  We like to believe that we are self-healing, thick-skinned, and emotionally invulnerable.  But the truth is generally far different. 
 
We try not to look too closely to the blemishes in the mind or the soul.  We avert our attention when we encounter an image of ourselves that is at odds with our self-image.  We seek shelter in our own preconceptions when an unflattering image of ourself appears in the responses of those around us.  We submerge uncomfortable emotions in a sea of denial.  We not only do not know ourselves all that well, we avoid any encounters with the stranger that lives within our body, mind, and soul.
 
Unfortunately, when the seasons change in our lives we become exposed to the self that is just beneath the surface.  We cannot avoid the person that appears in the moment when we are struggling to keep our control.  The hidden self emerges with emotions and actions that surprise us.  Our usual ways of coping are incapable of controlling this stranger that has taken over our life.  Once this occurs it is very difficult to regain our footing.  There is little we can do until the “comfortable” self re-emerges.  Therefore, it is vital that we strive to know ourselves before the seasons begin to change, because the seasons will change.  We will be affected.  If we are better able to “Know Thyself” we will be more prepared to accept the changes and take care for ourselves.

Develop the courage to Know Thyself – Do not let a fear of the truth deter you from getting to know your hidden self.
 
You have been through it before. Remember your history, it has much to teach you.  And remember that you are not the same person you were before.  If it turned out badly the last time is no indication that you will see similar results this time.
 
You are not alone.  Having support and using it re very different creatures.  Allow yourself to open up and receive the help from those who love you and have your best interest at heart.
 
You will survive, but give yourself time to hurt.  Healing takes time.  Do not bury the hurt.  Let it work its way out through your life.
 
But most of all, take this moment of change to grow in understanding and appreciation of yourself.  In these moments when our hidden self appears, get to know that person and learn to live with them.
 
Enjoy the seasons of your life!
 
Spring passes and one remembers one's innocence.
Summer passes and one remembers one's exuberance.
Autumn passes and one remembers one's reverence.
Winter passes and one remembers one's perseverance. 
― Yoko Ono
​

The Shadow Self
 
Shadow Boxing
 
Through the Seasons of Life

​One of the casualties of a seasonal change in the midst of a busy life can be hope.  Surprises can throw us off our game.  We are in the middle of a major project at work and all is going well, when the cold winter winds begin to blow with the news that the company is no longer funding your project.  We may lose heart and along with it hope that we will ever have another opportunity like this.  Or, a lifelong relationship suddenly ends in the death of our partner.  Our hope for happiness dies as well.  When the seasons of life change, especially when winter storms into our lives, our hope may leave us as well. 
 
Hope exists in a heart that recognizes that there is far more to our lives than we can see. Hope consists of two elements that dance around in our conversations.  A deep commitment to the future and various expectations in the present.  When we acknowledge that we cannot know the future but work toward improving it anyway, we demonstrate our commitment. We then translate that future into a set of expectations. These expectations then become our operative definition of hope.  When we do so, we have already started the journey to the other side of hope, disappointment.
 
Disappointment is inevitable, especially when the seasons of our lives change.  Our expectations are destroyed.  And, to the extent that we identify our hope with these particular expectations, our hope may be destroyed as well.  However, this is not inevitable.  We can learn to hold hope more effectively.
 
As long as we hold our hope tightly enough that we find comfort in the future but hold our expectations loosely enough that we are able move forward if they do not work out, our hope can withstand even the coldest Winter storms.  This is possible when we cultivate a lasting commitment to the future that grows out of our deepest self.  It grows out of knowing that in the end, all shall be well!  As long as we avoid become too closely tied into the “when” and “how” of that wellness, hope can abide.

​To remain grounded in hope, there are several tips you can use to control your expectations.
 
Thoughts are not real.  Thinking something does not make it true.  Expectations are simply thoughts about how something might work out.  The ideas of defeat or victory that sweep through our mind are mere thoughts and are no more real than a daydream.  Do not invest too much energy in the random thoughts that fill your mind as your expectations come to life and, just as quickly, fade.
 
Be brave enough to wait out a feeling.  Do not dismiss your feelings or act on them too quickly.  When we experience disappointment, it can overwhelm our lives and we are prone to either drown in it or act too quickly to overcome it.  Step back from that feeling and allow it to slowly help you understand your situation more fully inform your response to it.
 
Keep your expectations real.  We can fantasize glorious outcomes for our actions.  Such fantasies may help motivate us to do extraordinary things.  But, unrealistic expectations are very difficult to release.   Keep your expectations as real as your situation.  Fantasy may be fun just don’t plan your life around it.
 
Recognize the Good Stuff in your Life.   Practice gratitude by recognizing the things that you have accomplished and the gifts you have been given.  Such gratitude tends to allow humility room in our soul and encourage hope to grow.
 
Finally, stay real with yourself, both the good and bad.  Most unrealistic expectations grow out of self-deception.  Strive for humility, knowing yourself just as you are, and hope will be able flourish even when the ground is cold and hard.
 

Origins of Disappointment
 
Dealing with Disappointment
 
Staying Grounded in Hope