Most adults have developed a worldview, or perspective on daily living, that helps us get through most things.  We trust that the Sun will rise and so we set our alarm clock.  We expect to be paid for an honest day’s work and so we show up and do our job.  We accept that our family cares about us and will be there when we need them.  We may even have a faith that doing good brings rewards and doing bad brings punishment.  Have a vast set of expectations, beliefs, and faith claims that make our lives meaningful.

However, changes on the outside have a way of causing changes inside, especially in our worldview.  We like to believe that our thoughts and beliefs grow out of pure reason and logic, but most of us are far more reactive than objective.  Our ideas react to the changes we experience in the world.  Our beliefs grow out of a lifetime of observing and living in the day to day world.  We believe that the sun will rise tomorrow because it always has.  We may believe that most folks can be trusted because we have lived with honorable, caring people most of our lives.  These beliefs and ideas serve us well until we experience a change in the world around us.  Then, the changes within our worldview can be devastating.

These changes can make our worldview unreliable.  They may cause us to shift away from some of our bedrock beliefs.  Our lives feel broken and uncontrollable.  We may even feel that we are “losing our mind.”  We start questioning who we are and the world around us.  We doubt ourselves and believe that we are “Losing it!” and may never “Get it back!”  As our worldview erodes, we may try and grasp it more tightly, defending it against all challenges, even to the point of absurdity. Or we may let go of one small piece and then feel the other pieces crumbling away.  Or we may just do what the Boomers used to call, “Dropping Out!”    Changes in the world have a way of causing deep and profound changes with in our minds.

A Facebook Friend could not believe that anyone could ever become comfortable with change.  “How do we get used to change?”  Here are several tips that you can use to lessen the inner turmoil that is caused when change continues to swirl around us.  Again, I am using the framework from the Serenity Prayer.

Accept What You Cannot Change

First of all, loosen your grip on the absolutes in our life.  Avoid words like “always, forever, and never.”  Acknowledge that we do not and cannot know everything.  Mysteries will continue to surround us.  So, when one of our favored beliefs is challenged we can move it into the mystery column and let it go.  When a good friend disappoints us and seems to have changed, chalk it up to a mystery, for now.  This will help lessen the fear in our next encounter.

Second, acknowledge that we have nothing to fear but fear itself.  Many folks have a natural tendency to make every uncertainty into a catastrophe.  The word catastrophe comes from two Greek words that mean “down turn.”  Pessimism, or a lack of hope, looks into the eyes of uncertainty and can only see a down turn.  But uncertainty does not inevitably lead to catastrophe.  Fear, however, can increase the odds by causing us to react without reason or adequate thought.   FDR warned the country against a reactive fear after the attack on Pearl Harbor.  This does not mean that bad things will not happen.  But, by suspending our judgment about the uncertainty we can re-engage our mind and address whatever the change may bring.

Accept what you cannot change by acknowledging that we do not know everything and avoid clouding your mind with fear.

Change What You Can

There is a wonderful skill that we can use when we find our worldview being challenged, reframing.  This simply means taking another look at the change and surrounding it with a different set of ideas. 

Let’s say that we have always trusted our neighbors and have given them a key to our house in case of emergency.  When we come home from a weekend away, we discover that someone has been in our house and made a mess of it.  There was no break-in and so we assume someone had a key to get in.  That leads us to suspect the neighbor.  We decide we must immediately go over and confront this lousy neighbor and vow to never trust another neighbor.  OR, we could step back and reframe the situation.  Weigh the evidence with a cool head.  Was any damage done?  Was it possible that we left the door unlocked?  Acknowledge that even if they did, this does not prove that all neighbors are untrustworthy?  Instead, we invite them into being an ally rather than an adversary.  Ask for their help in figuring out the mystery.  If it was them, then we can ask for the key back and dial back our trust in this particular neighbor.  By changing the ideas that surround a mystery we can, perhaps, see more clearly into the mist and increase our understanding about it.

Seek Wisdom

Do not let our reactivity overwhelm our capacity to sort out the changes that threaten our worldview.  Stay calm.  Breathe.  Listen to your mind.  Let the need to understand all things slip away and acknowledge the mystery.  Reframe your understanding and allow any light, no matter how dim, to shine through and enlighten your worldview.  Change does not have to destroy our faith or worldview.  Let both continue to grow through wisdom.

The Importance of Challenging Our Worldview

Reframing

Overcoming Fear

Physical change is an inevitable part of the human experience. There is no staying as we are. The situations are also constantly changing around us.  Financial, social, and relational factors are always shifting this way and that.  We have limited control and cannot see very far into the future.  Such change provides a constant challenge.  How can we take care of ourselves when we face significant changes in our health, our financial, or physical situation?

If we follow the wisdom of the Serenity Prayer, we have several options for self-care. 

First, we can accept what we cannot change.  If we have no control over a change that is affecting our daily living then we need to come to terms with it and reframe our abilities and resources.  “Coming to terms” begins with acknowledging that we have no control over the change itself.  A sudden economic reversal like losing a job or an investment is beyond our control.  We can continue to live as if it did not happen, denial, but that will not change the situation.  By accepting the change, we will be able to take a fresh look at where we are, what we have, and discern our options for the future.  This reframing, looking anew and seeing with new eyes, frees us from the anger, shock and fear of the change.  We are free to move on.

However, there are those occasional changes that we can resist and, perhaps reverse.  Here we must change what we can.  We need to explore ways to address the changes such as through medical care, financial planning, or other self-care.  One of the most basic ways to can change the course of our physical health is through routine medical care.  We all age, but that does not mean we have an established appointment with death.  Regular check-ups, routine exams, and medications have extended the human lifespan dramatically.  The same can be said for financial and social changes in our lives.  By paying attention, consulting those who can help, and then following through on the basics for self-care, we can address some changes in our lives.  We will not live forever, but we will live happier and healthier lives.  It is a choice.  Live or allow avoidable change to drain our joy and hope.

Lastly, we need to be able to tell the difference between the inevitable and the challenge of the moment.  How can you tell?  Frankly, sometimes we can’t.  This a situation families face when considering hospice care.  Generally, they try everything they can to change the decline of their family member.  But there comes a moment when they realize that all their efforts are causing more harm than good.  When the odds are that the care will not change the course of the situation, we can know with a deeper understanding than mere evidence.  Wisdom will tell us that it is time to accept the change.  Wisdom allows us to accept the inevitable. 

As we all have experienced, trouble comes when we try to change the inevitable and accept that which can be changed.  When wisdom tells us, “It is time” we can and must shift into acceptance. 

Make a list of the changes you are facing.  Talk with your family or friends about them.  Use their wisdom to help you decide whether they are inevitable or can be changed.  Look for options that have a reasonable chance of changing the course of the change you are facing.  Seek outside advice, i.e. your doctor, financial advisor, or other experts.  Ask them for their opinion and weigh those options against your own judgment and intuition.  Finally, sit quietly with the options before you and allow them to speak directly to you.

Draw up a plan for both accepting the inevitable and making changes to address the challenges for the not so inevitable.  Be as specific as you can.  Set short-term and long-term goals for yourself. 

Finally give a copy of this plan to a close family member or friend who will help you be accountable for seeing it through.  Allow them to help you stay on track.  Do not be afraid to change the plan if the challenge becomes impossible.  Sit back and revisit the process above and make a new plan.  

Physical changes may be inevitable, but they do not have to steal our peace of mind or soul.  These changes may shorten our days, but do not let them take away from our life today.  Let wisdom guide you and you will find life even in the midst of physical changes.

Accepting Physical Changes

Making Wise Choices

The Inevitability of Change

For the next few weeks, we will be exploring the importance of self-care when we are experiencing changes in our lives.  They may be welcome or unwelcome changes.  They may be changes in the world outside of ourselves or changes to the world within each of us.  Change is a fact of life and learning to take care of ourselves in the midst of change is a basic tool for finding joy in our daily living.

One of the most challenging times in my life were the three years I spent at Brite Divinity School.  And the greatest changes happened over coffee in the second floor lounge.  Faculty, staff, and students would gather there at varying times of the day and great discussions would just happen.  One of my professors would often tell stories of his primary professor in New York, a man named Reinhold Niebuhr.

Professor Niebuhr, according to his former student, was born in a small town in Missouri to German Immigrants.  He then moved to Chicago.  He was called into ministry and studied in St, Louis and at Yale.  As the son of working class immigrants, the young Pastor knew he wanted to serve in an inner-city church.  His denomination agreed and he became pastor of a tiny German-American church in Detroit.  He began his ministry in 1915.  WWI broke out and he found himself isolated as a leader of a German Community who preached in German.  That fear helped him to understand the fears of his congregants and the people around him.

While in Detroit he worked to heal the divides that were tearing apart his community.  German-American, Africa-American, and low income Anglos all knew that they had a friend in Rev. Niebuhr.  He worked with civic organizations and church groups to raise respect for the working class and immigrants throughout the city.

He had a prayer that he used from time to time in his presentations that went like this.  "Father, give us courage to change what must be altered, serenity to accept what cannot be helped, and the insight to know the one from the other."

Within a few years, AA had discovered these words and they were reshaped into the now familiar prayer,

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

These words grew out of lives that had been tossed about by changes.  It speaks of a wisdom that recognizes that some changes can be reshaped and others must be accepted as they are.  As we explore our self-care during changing times, I invite you to keep this prayer close to your heart and mind.  By making peace with the changes that we cannot alter, by finding the courage to change the things we can, and being able to tell the difference will make joy much easier to find.

This week the tip is quite easy.  I invite you to write out the Serenity Prayer and place copies on your bathroom mirror, in your car, and on your desk for the next few weeks.  Allow it to speak to the small changes that will happen throughout the day as well as the bigger changes that reshape our lives.

Allow these words to speak to your body, mind, and soul as we explore self-care in the midst of 

Dealing with Change

Reinhold Niebuhr

The Serenity Prayer

For the last few weeks I have been exploring some of the ways that we can take care of ourselves following a significant loss.  While we all grieve in different ways and in our own time, there are four tasks that many believe are vital to finding our way to the new normal on the other side of our grief.

William Worden, in his book Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy describes these four tasks.

First, accept the reality of the loss.  Many retreat into denial in order to protect themselves from the pain of the loss.  This is a helpful way to deal with the crush of emotions immediately following a death.  However, there comes a time when we need to step back into the reality of the unwelcome change that has taken over our life.  We do not need to like or embrace the loss, we simply need to be able to acknowledge that this loss has actually happened.

Second, work through the pain and grief.  Grief work is very hard.  The emotional baggage coupled with new stress caused by the loss makes it very difficult to allow the tears and anger to come out.  Many people cope with the loss by staying busy with other things.  Again, this is okay immediately following the death, but in the long term it prevents us from finding our way through the wilderness of grief.  Our emotions need to be expressed.  Certain tasks need to be accomplished with the funeral, estate issues, and taking care of daily living.  We need to learn that it is okay to cry because you will not cry forever.  The tears will end and the dawn will come.  Grief work allows us to get through this dark valley.

Third, adjust to a new environment.  Grief is our response to an unwelcome change.  This change forces us into a new way of life.  The old has passed away.  Ignoring the changes may help us for a short time.  But, there comes a time when we must reassess how our lives have been changed and find ways to meet the new challenges.  If we run into brick walls, we need to get help.  Talk with your financial consultant, doctor, friends, or neighbors to help you sort out this new world.

Last, find an enduring connection with the deceased while moving forward with life.  We do not say goodbye to the person at the time of death.  In many ways, that person still walks with us.  We may still hear their voice or feel their presence.  Certain sounds, sights, or smells may trigger memories.  We may even listen to their remembered words in difficult situations.  Their spirit is still part of our lives.  A last step toward finding that new life without their physical presence will be to discover ways to maintain that presence with us.  Some may keep pictures in prominent places.  Others may keep their favorite shirt or blouse within reach. We may donate to their favorite charity in lieu of a Christmas or birthday gift.  There are many other ways.  Find a way to help you maintain that relationship with the one you have lost.  That presence will make your transition to a new life a little easier.

Allow your grief to help you make your way through that lonesome valley.  May the pain move your forward and the remembering draw you into a new relationship with yourself and those around you as well as your loved one.

This week I do not have a tip so much as a challenge for those experiencing grief.  I challenge you to say and believe, “I am not a victim of grief!”  YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM OF GRIEF! 

A victim is someone who has experienced an overwhelming assault on their life over which they have no control in how they respond.  A victim is utterly powerless.  This experience sets in process a chain of beliefs and events that leads to debilitation and destruction of the personality.  You are not a victim.

If you have learned anything from these last few Self-Care Notes, you are not helpless.  You are more than a victim.   You do have some power in your loss.  You cannot control your feelings but you can control how you respond to them.  You cannot control the loss of your normal, but you do have power over the shaping of your new normal.

And, to take this one step further, do not look at your loss as a setback that has ruined your future.  Instead, begin to see your grief as a new opportunity to grow into the you that will emerge.  Your struggle with teach you how strong you are and the importance of having close friends and family.  You will learn resilience and new ways of coping with difficult circumstances.  You will likely learn to appreciate those around you even more than you do now.  Most importantly, you will come to see yourself more clearly and to accept that person you see each morning in the mirror.

Do not waste your hurt and pain on “being a victim” or squander it in self-pity.  Step into the new day that is around you and embrace the life you have.  “You is kind. You is smart. You is important.” (Kathryn Stockett, The Help)  Consider yourself challenged!

The Four Tasks of Grief

Beyond Self-victimization

Growing through Grief