Part One - Our New Normal
My muse usually shows up in my waking thoughts, somewhere between 5:00 and 7:00 AM. I would tap her ideas into a Note on my smartphone. But there are no notes on resilience from that period. I would get those insights into my journal and develop them a bit each day, but my journal only holds the debris of my days in exile. My muse had gone silent. I finished the care notes I were in process, but any new note had to wait. My exile had claimed another victim.
Fortunately, a few days ago, she returned with a whisper. I asked her where she had been, and she answered with a story from my days as a hospice Chaplain. I was talking with a man who had lost his wife to a brief battle with cancer. They had been married for 50+ years. I used the phrase "New Normal" several times, and his eyes flashed. I asked him what he was thinking, and he replied, "You keep talking about a New Normal.” “I'm not finished with my old normal.” “Why do I need a new one?” Why had my muse gone silent? Because I wasn't finished with my old normal!
“New Normal” is a phrase that comes out of grief work that refers to the unknown "not yet" that follows a life-changing loss. It is part of the great mystery that exists around all of us. It reveals itself in its own time and at its own pace. This time between the old ways and the emergence of new routines, attitudes, and beliefs is a never-never land of the unfinished and uncharted. The former has not yet passed, but the new has not yet arrived. Unfortunately, as long as we are not finished with the old normal, the new normal cannot develop. We become mired in a limbo between the two. For most of us, in times such as these, resilience is just a word.
I was still harboring hopes of getting out in the motorhome for a month-long trip to exciting destinations. I was holding on to visions of going for a walk in the park with others who were appropriately masked and socially distanced. I was anticipating a return to the days “before.” I desperately wanted to believe that the exile would end sooner rather than later. I felt my spirit bounce with resilience with each wish and hope. Fortunately, my muse, the inner voice of my body-mind-soul, was much more attuned to the world within and the world beyond. She knew that as long as I held on to my old normal, I could not bounce into a new one.
Here is a most inconvenient truth about the new normal. In times of significant loss, whether we are finished with it or not, the old normal is gone. It has not taken a holiday. It will not return, refreshed, and renewed. The old normal has moved on and will not come back. When a life-changing loss stirs our spirits to grieve, the old normal is forever beyond our reach.
We have three choices when this happens. We can ignore or deny the loss. We can grudgingly accept it. Or we can learn to live in anticipation of the not-yet.
If we ignore or deny our loss, we will become stuck in a cycle of sadness and remembering. Our yearning for yesterday crowds out our anticipation and awareness for what will be. When we feel a flash of anticipation, it is a desire to go back to what was, not forward into what will be. We may deny the loss and say it is not real. We may not acknowledge it or downplay its significance. We may refuse to allow it to change our lives. This lifestyle of ignorance and denial will become our tragic new normal. We will lose touch with ourselves and the world around us.
If we make the second choice and grudgingly accept our loss, we risk a hard life of needing that which we know we cannot have. We may latch on to whatever false notion promises us the opportunity to step back into the old normal. We may rely on conspiracy theories and charlatans who offer us a way back to "the good old days." In the process of chasing these phantoms, many new opportunities will slip by without notice. The world will move on, and we will find ourselves sitting in a cluttered room filled with all the failed ideas and experiences of a wasted life. Our grief will deepen, and our daily living will feel empty and futile.
But, if our spirits are healthy enough, we will learn to live in anticipation of the new normal that awaits us. We will bounce!
Resilience is the ability to bounce while on the edge of mystery. It is the capacity to keep going, doing our best with partial information without yielding to or acting on unfounded fears, unjustified theories, and herd-following behaviors. Resilience is "Keeping our head about us…" I prefer this choice.
But this choice depends on a deep capacity for love and trust, joy and hope. It requires a spirit that can process our inner life and the world around us with the full engagement of our body, mind, and soul. We will need to be free to take in raw information, process it critically, and draw enough energy from our soul to make an intentional effort to walk into a new and unfamiliar world. In short, it will demand that we be spiritually healthy in body, mind, and soul.
Over the next couple of weeks, I will explore ways to develop the resilience of body-mind-soul by becoming more spiritually healthy. I invite you to spend this time with me while we are still in exile. I invite you to become more intentional about deepening your capacities for love and trust, joy and hope. Let us discover ways to let go of what was and eagerly anticipate the new normal that awaits us on the other side of these dark days.
Blessings,
Bob