​I felt terrific two weeks ago.  I had just come through a dark period where the quarantine had slowly mutated into an exile.  I had been sad for myself and all those who could not go out because so many refused to take their risk to others seriously.  But, two weeks ago, I had begun to accept my situation, and a better mood began to take hold.  I chose resilience as the topic for my next self-care note, and immediately, my muse fell silent.
 
My muse usually shows up in my waking thoughts, somewhere between 5:00 and 7:00 AM.  I would tap her ideas into a Note on my smartphone.  But there are no notes on resilience from that period.  I would get those insights into my journal and develop them a bit each day, but my journal only holds the debris of my days in exile.  My muse had gone silent.  I finished the care notes I were in process, but any new note had to wait.  My exile had claimed another victim.
 
Fortunately, a few days ago, she returned with a whisper.  I asked her where she had been, and she answered with a story from my days as a hospice Chaplain.  I was talking with a man who had lost his wife to a brief battle with cancer.  They had been married for 50+ years.  I used the phrase "New Normal" several times, and his eyes flashed.  I asked him what he was thinking, and he replied, "You keep talking about a New Normal.”  “I'm not finished with my old normal.”  “Why do I need a new one?”  Why had my muse gone silent?  Because I wasn't finished with my old normal!  
 
“New Normal” is a phrase that comes out of grief work that refers to the unknown "not yet" that follows a life-changing loss.  It is part of the great mystery that exists around all of us.  It reveals itself in its own time and at its own pace.  This time between the old ways and the emergence of new routines, attitudes, and beliefs is a never-never land of the unfinished and uncharted.  The former has not yet passed, but the new has not yet arrived.  Unfortunately, as long as we are not finished with the old normal, the new normal cannot develop.   We become mired in a limbo between the two.  For most of us, in times such as these, resilience is just a word.
 
I was still harboring hopes of getting out in the motorhome for a month-long trip to exciting destinations.  I was holding on to visions of going for a walk in the park with others who were appropriately masked and socially distanced.   I was anticipating a return to the days “before.”  I desperately wanted to believe that the exile would end sooner rather than later.  I felt my spirit bounce with resilience with each wish and hope.  Fortunately, my muse, the inner voice of my body-mind-soul, was much more attuned to the world within and the world beyond.  She knew that as long as I held on to my old normal, I could not bounce into a new one. 
 
Here is a most inconvenient truth about the new normal.  In times of significant loss, whether we are finished with it or not, the old normal is gone.  It has not taken a holiday.  It will not return, refreshed, and renewed.  The old normal has moved on and will not come back.  When a life-changing loss stirs our spirits to grieve, the old normal is forever beyond our reach. 
 
We have three choices when this happens.  We can ignore or deny the loss. We can grudgingly accept it.  Or we can learn to live in anticipation of the not-yet. 
 
If we ignore or deny our loss, we will become stuck in a cycle of sadness and remembering.  Our yearning for yesterday crowds out our anticipation and awareness for what will be.  When we feel a flash of anticipation, it is a desire to go back to what was, not forward into what will be.  We may deny the loss and say it is not real.  We may not acknowledge it or downplay its significance.  We may refuse to allow it to change our lives.  This lifestyle of ignorance and denial will become our tragic new normal.  We will lose touch with ourselves and the world around us.
 
If we make the second choice and grudgingly accept our loss, we risk a hard life of needing that which we know we cannot have.  We may latch on to whatever false notion promises us the opportunity to step back into the old normal.  We may rely on conspiracy theories and charlatans who offer us a way back to "the good old days." In the process of chasing these phantoms, many new opportunities will slip by without notice.  The world will move on, and we will find ourselves sitting in a cluttered room filled with all the failed ideas and experiences of a wasted life.  Our grief will deepen, and our daily living will feel empty and futile.
 
But, if our spirits are healthy enough, we will learn to live in anticipation of the new normal that awaits us.  We will bounce!
 
Resilience is the ability to bounce while on the edge of mystery.  It is the capacity to keep going, doing our best with partial information without yielding to or acting on unfounded fears, unjustified theories, and herd-following behaviors.  Resilience is "Keeping our head about us…" I prefer this choice.
 
But this choice depends on a deep capacity for love and trust, joy and hope.  It requires a spirit that can process our inner life and the world around us with the full engagement of our body, mind, and soul.  We will need to be free to take in raw information, process it critically, and draw enough energy from our soul to make an intentional effort to walk into a new and unfamiliar world.  In short, it will demand that we be spiritually healthy in body, mind, and soul. 
 
Over the next couple of weeks, I will explore ways to develop the resilience of body-mind-soul by becoming more spiritually healthy.  I invite you to spend this time with me while we are still in exile.  I invite you to become more intentional about deepening your capacities for love and trust, joy and hope.  Let us discover ways to let go of what was and eagerly anticipate the new normal that awaits us on the other side of these dark days.
 
Blessings,
Bob

​Over the last few weeks, I have discovered that I am no longer in quarantine.  To be quarantined means that we are secluded from one another to protect ourselves and others in our community.  Quarantine is a loving response to a pandemic that makes our isolation bearable.  It saves lives.  But I am no longer in quarantine; I am now in exile. 
 
(I say this with apologies to those who have survived a far more painful exile than this.  I do not intend to minimize your experience.  I do see the difference between our experiences as one of degree, if not of substance.)
 
Exile is an old word first written during the 14th century.  Exiles were forcibly removed from their homes.  A fiefdom's peasants were relocated because the Earl wanted their land.  They could have been the political supporters of a King who lost his crown in a palace coup.  Regardless of the circumstances, they became strangers in a strange land.  They had to set aside their hopes and dreams, as well as their family and companions.  They did not choose their situation.  Exile was forced upon them.
 
I feel that my exile has been forced upon me.  The disease has not forced me into exile.  It is because of the actions of my fellow citizens.  I place myself in danger when I am in public with people who refuse to take the pandemic seriously.   I am vulnerable to every unmasked cough, sneeze, and even when others spoken words.  (see https://www.erinbromage.com/post/the-risks-know-them-avoid-them)  I can control my exposure to the virus.  I can't control others and their lack of concern for those they may infect.  Therefore, I must live my life in exile from the life I could and should be able to live.
 
Nor am I alone.  Tens of millions of people are vulnerable to significant complications from this virus.  African Americans, folks with autoimmune disorders, people with chronic respiratory or cardiac disease, and older people like myself.  All of us must choose between exile or living in an exile of fear of contracting COVID-19.
 
It was easier to deal with isolation when we were all in this together.  We felt like we were contributing to the community's health and well-being.  Our quarantine was purposeful and beneficial to ourselves and others.  But as soon the political leaders began prematurely relaxing the measures that had been keeping us safe, they destroyed this meaning, and we discovered that we were no longer in this together.  Everyone was on their own. 
 
Younger and healthier people cast aside their masks because they did not adequately protect the wearer.  (The benefits to those around them were deemed unimportant.)  The need for covering up hair roots was more important than protecting the lives of barbers and beauticians.  The desire to eat out was more important than safeguarding restaurant workers from infection or the medical people who would be caring for them.  The health and well-being of the vulnerable were less important than the foot-stomping, temper tantrums of armed terrorists marching in the streets demanding their freedom.  Those at less risk were given permission and encouraged to disregard the higher risk of their fellow citizens.  And so, many of us find ourselves in exile in our own homes for longer than is necessary.  It is a shame that we are no longer in this together.  We distance between us has become more significant because of this selfishness.  We have become even more isolated from one another.

How do we handle this exile when we learn that we are no longer "in this together?"
 
First and foremost, allow yourself to let go of the life you believe you should be living, at least for now.  Recognize and process the grief that will come with this loss.  Allow the emotions a safe place to vent.  Name your losses.  Allow your grieving to guide you through the darkened days that will come.  However, also know that the tears will end and a new normal will dawn.  Our grief is a journey, not a destination.
 
Second, cultivating hope in your daily living.  Hope and despair are not enemies.  Despair is the ground out of which our hope grows.  Our despair is a sprig of hope struggling to break through into the light.  As long as we remain in the darkness, we must struggle through each moment.  But when we begin to break free, we draw strength from the light shining in and through our body-mind-soul.  That light gives us what we need to persevere with patience.  Unfortunately, that darkness may return.   Is so, remember that hope and despair are not enemies.  We are in the very ground, out of which a newfound hope will soon grow.  All you have to do is keep your eyes open to see the light breaking through the gloom.  Keep your eyes open; life will do the rest.
 
Next, stay informed but pay attention to your misery quotient.  We must stay up to date with the world around us.  The virus is very unpredictable.  The community is being pulled apart by opportunistic politicians and greedy business leaders.  But, pay attention when the news is stealing from your spirit.  Ignore those news outlets that are seeking to make you angry or overwhelm your capacities for love and trust, joy and hope.  Instead, listen for the facts about what is happening.  Stay in touch with reality and brush aside those who seek to provoke and manipulate.  Stay up to date.  But protect your spirit from the sadness that grows out of the lies, distortions, and outright scams.
 
Next, find your community.  We all need relationships.  We need a place where we can gather around a campfire with others and share our lives.  Social distancing makes this very difficult.  Technology can help.  Facetime with family and friends.  Zoom in to meetings with co-workers or companions.  Use Facebook or Instagram to share your daily living.  Reread some favored authors and become reacquainted with these old friends.  Talk to your neighbors by having across-the-street conversations.  Journal your remembrances of family and friends who are no longer with you. "Social distancing" is an unfortunate phrase.  We need to be physically isolated, but we do not have to be socially or emotionally isolated.  Find your community and stay in touch.
 
Stressful times demand that we become more intentional about caring for our body-mind-soul.  Eat well.  Get some exercise.  Make room for rest.  That tiredness you are feeling is the result of stress.  Expand your mind.  Watch TED talks.  Tune in to YouTube and watch documentaries or travelogues.  Listen to your favorite music.  Explore new artists.  Pick up a book.  Engage in meaningful conversations with people.  Expand your interests.  Spend time with yourself, listening in on your inner conversations.  Journal your daily activities and review the journal from time to time.  Make room for your feelings and be mindful of how you are responding to them.  Pay special attention to the changes in your capacity for love and trust, joy and hope.  Be intentional about caring for your whole spirit, body-mind-soul.
 
Do not lose your laughter.  Allow humor to soften the blows of exile.  Do not let the strange and humorous events escape your notice.  Watch those videos of puppies and playful goats on Facebook.  Go ahead and laugh out loud when you see the bizarre ironies at play on the news.  I read the newspaper comics online every morning.  There is healing magic in laughter.  Claim the magic.
 
Lastly, find a project or two!  Give yourself a reason to get out of bed each morning.  Do something you always wanted but were too busy to put on your schedule.  It does not have to be something big.  Learn to draw or paint.  Take an online course.  Explore a new craft.  Many years ago, a friend of mine decided that he want to learn to knit.  After a few weeks, I asked him how it was going.  He said it was going great.  He enjoyed the knitting almost as much as he enjoyed pulling his lopsided, poorly shaped projects apart.  Besides, he added, I can use the same yarn over and over again!  Find a project and take more joy in the "doing" than in the "having done."
 
We do not choose to live in exile from our hopes and dreams.  Life in exile does not feed our soul.  We have been forced into it, and all we can do is to find ways to cope.  I hope this self-care note has helped you recognize the source of your newfound pain in exile.  I further hope it has given you some ideas about how to cope with our new "not-in-this-together" lives.  Be well, my friends.  The dawn awaits us on the other side of this darkness.
 
I look forward to walking together, hand-in-hand, into the sunshine once again.

​Blessings, my friends.  Stay well!
 
Bob

"You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. I hope someday you'll join us. And the world will live as one." ~John Lennon
 
"Hold fast to dreams,
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird,
That cannot fly."
~Langston Hughes
 
"If you're reading this...
Congratulations, you're alive.
If that's not something to smile about,
then I don't know what is."
~Chad Sugg

​What can I believe about the pandemic?  Who can I trust?  Should I wear a mask or not?  Is it safe to get a haircut?  Is this more about politics than public health?  With so much at stake, who and what can I believe?
 
Millions of people in the USA and around the world are wrestling with these questions.  They are engaging in what Spiritual Directors call discernment.  People are trying to sort out the flow of events, ideas, and feelings to find some truth.  We have an undimmed belief that we can know the truth in all of this and that the truth will be a refuge from this chaos. Mimicking our childhood Sunday School lessons, we believe that the "truth will set us free." Unfortunately, we fail to remember another scrap of scripture from our childhood, "What is truth?" This little question was never answered.  It was left to linger over the events of Jesus' crucifixion and death like a fog of doubt and fear.  Discernment is not about finding the truth.  It is about experiencing reality and finding our way through confusing and chaotic times.
 
These days, competing ideas are tossed about like grenades over the front lines of our culture wars.  I am more interested in reality than truth.  The truth will not set us free from these battles for the American Mind.  Truth is a product of the mind as it sorts through our assumptions and selected evidence.  Truth depends more on the process than reality. 
 
We can always find a truth, any truth, if we step back far enough from reality.  If we are selective enough in our evidence and carefully word our conclusions, we can find a truth that fits our wants and needs.  This slippery truth is the heart of Pilates's question, "What is truth?" It is the realm of second-rate politicians, lawyers, doctors, philosophers, and salespeople.  Most of these folks are not lying.  They believe that their truth is the truth.  Unfortunately, they are also unaware that it is built on untested assumptions, carefully selected evidence, and deeply cherished desires for self-gain.  Truth, for most people, is highly personal and worth defending at almost any cost. 
 
The tricky part is finding the truth that is consistent with reality.   Intentional discernment will lead to a reality-based truth.  Discernment looks beyond the truths that surround us and leads us to rely on the real world that includes our questions, inner biases, and whatever real evidence is around us.  Discernment is not so much about a particular process as it is about a journey that embraces honesty, humility, patience, and perseverance.  Discernment is about finding our way through and into reality.
 
What does discernment require?  It means opening the senses to experience the real world and not the world filtered through our assumptions and beliefs.  Discernment demands a mental discipline that can set aside what we want to find and discover what exists.   It means teaching the soul to desire and experience reality rather than justifying and confirming what we already believe. 
 
This discerning journey takes place under suboptimal conditions.    It does not wait until the skies clear before it seeks to understand and respond to storms.  It begins its journey amid the fears, uncertainties, burdens, and trials of the real world.  It seeks to see in the fog, not through it.  It wants to hear in the noise, not through it.  Discernment looks to understand the currents in the river's rapids.  It allows those swirling currents to teach us how to negotiate them.  In discerning, we find ways to live in the real world and set aside our yearning for the results to be different.  Discernment begins in the real world, now!
 
We are caught up in a rampaging flood of historic events.  The flooding river of the pandemic has joined with the on-going rampaging currents of our culture wars.  Economic and political forces are stirring the already troubled waters, and people are drowning in the torrent.  It is time to look beyond the truths that are being pushed upon us.  It is time to seek out the reality of the world around us.   We need to begin to see and hear reality in our living, not apart from it. 
 
Self-care for ourselves and those around us is calling us to seek reality and let it show us the way through these turbulent, troubled days.

Tips – Disciplined Discernment
 
Here are a few things to consider as you begin discerning your way into the next few days and weeks.

• Allow your observations, experiences, and ideas to be "tried in the crucible of doubt," especially when you think you have found the answer.

 

• Patience - Give it time.  Sometimes there are an awful lot of trees to walk around before you can see the sunrise.  Let reality confirm or challenge your discernment in its own time.

 

• Attentiveness - Give the evidence of your senses a louder voice than your mind's expectations. Let the noise and fog become part of the evidence.  It will remind you of what is at stake and show you ways of responding in real-time in the real world.  Give your experience a prominent place at the table

 

• Seek out Trusted Companions
  • Sound out your thoughts and feelings
  • Listen carefully to those who disagree with you - Listen and test your ideas with people who disagree with you.  Whether they are right or wrong is not the issue.  Ask yourself why they see things differently.  Compare them to the real world and then adjust your ideas and responses accordingly.
  • Allow both positive and negative evidence a fair hearing.  Both have something to teach you.
• If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.  Look beyond the comfortable and seek out the inconvenient ideas and experiences around you that conform with the real world.

 

• Lastly, when your body-mind-soul has come to rest on a "best" insight or belief, ask yourself one simple question, "Is it real?" If so, act accordingly but continue to let the world teach you.

​Blessings, my friends, travel well!
Bob

"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away." ~Philip K. Dick
​

​“Get yourself grounded and you can navigate even the stormiest roads in peace.” ~ Steve Goodier
We are living through stormy times.  These “soul-storms” sweep through with some regularity as we face daily updates on the spread of the Corona Virus.  As new stats about Covid - 19 cases are published along with stats about unemployment and other slowing economic activity, deep and troubling emotions bubble up through our body-mind-soul.  Fear, suspicion, and anger are just a few of the toxic brew of inner experiences that ripple through our lives.  These storms disrupt our sense of security.  They challenge our hope and drive stakes in the heart of the lives we want to live.  These “soul-storms” make it very difficult to trust the reliability of the “ground” upon which we stand.  We have built our lives far from the river, but the flooding storms have begun to undercut the very ground upon which we live.  This week, I want to explore ways to stay grounded when the earth beneath us is in jeopardy.
 
[Disclaimer] I have Celtic Roots to my spirituality.  Observation and experience inform and shape my perspectives and assumptions about life.  Your mileage may vary.  With this in mind, I offer a bit of wisdom from the land of my youth.
 
“Staying grounded” means staying rooted in a very real and very messy world.  I grew up along the spring fed rivers of Central Texas.  I spent many hours exploring the San Marcos, the Blanco, and the Guadalupe. Typically, these rivers were relatively shallow, lazy rivers lined with tall Cypress Trees.  In the Hill Country, the banks of these rivers were a mass of Cypress roots that helped the trees ride out the semiannual floods.  Most of the trees could ride out the Spring storms because they were well-rooted in the rocks and thin soil of the Texas Hill Country.  Even when those 500-year floods would take out some of the trees, many would survive.  Being rooted in the ground made it possible for them to withstand the chaotic, rushing waters.  Those trees have much to teach us in these days.
 
If we ignore the teaching of these wise trees, we tend to take one of two paths in dealing with our “soul-storms” in our messy world.  Our body-mind-soul has programmed either fight or flight from dangerous storms.  We may run away from the riverbank when the clouds start to gather upriver.  We seek to escape the storm before the rain begins to fall.  Better yet, do not live away from the river completely.   The other option is to “fight” by taking control of ourselves and protect ourselves from the storm.  We take to the streets. Demand our right to live along that river free of the consequences of floods or wind.  Build a “flood-proof” life.  We arm our lives with the latest technology to make our experiences “risk-free and safe.”  But, the former may rob our daily living of the things of life, while the latter is an impossibility.  In these stormy times, we can neither escape nor control the events that create the “soul-storms” that sweep through our lives.
 
Instead, imagine sinking our roots deep into the rich and rocky earth of reality.  This “rootedness” offers us a solid anchor.  And, it will provide us with whatever nourishment we need for a healthy, meaningful life.  It allows us to stay rooted in the real world where we “live, and move, and have our being.”  We can weather the storms rather than taking off on a foolish flight of fancy, engaging in paranoid fear of the unknowns in life, and becoming trapped in close orbit around our desires and wishes.  “Groundedness” allows us to withstand the stormiest moments in our lives, even times of pandemic.
 
Let life be what it is.  Allow your life to be messy, complicated, confusing, hurtful, hope-filling, and peppered with moments of love and connection.  Our body-mind-soul need all of this stuff to build The Good Life.  Resist starving your life by running away from the bad stuff.  Sink your life deeper in the real world.  It has much to teach you.  The storms will blow, and the floods will come.  Draw life from the thin soil and strength from the rocks at the river’s edge.  Root yourself in life.  It was here in the beginning and will outlive us all.

​Mindfulness – Pay attention! 

• Keep your body-mind-soul alert to the world around you.
• Stay informed. 
• Listen to the medical people who have your best interests at heart. 
• Learn what you can about the virus so that you can make informed decisions. 
• Discern the currents of thought as well as the currents of emotion flowing in and around you.
• Listen to your body.  If symptoms begin to appear, make the phone call, and get tested. 
• Be aware that there are those around you who may be more vulnerable and wear the mask even though it is uncomfortable and feels odd.
• Be mindful of yourself, those around you, and the world around you.

 
Stay Open to Life as it evolves in and around you

• Allow yourself to grieve the losses that you are experiencing.
• Celebrate small victories that will occur from time to time. (Like getting almost everything on your grocery list.)
• Let gratitude germinate, even in the thin, rocky soils of the pandemic.
• Give your emotions a fair hearing, but do not allow them to be the only voices you hear.
• Include both “no” and “yes” in your responses based on your best judgment.
• Maintain realistic expectations and allow room for pleasant surprises.
• Give yourself a break.  Do the best you can.  Learn from your mistakes, and then let them go.
• Leave the big questions open but explore and journal your musings.  It will help you make sense of all this when it is over.
• Stay Connected to the world around you.  While maintaining social distance, stay connected with those people that help you see and stay balanced in life.  Stay connected to the things that make your life worth getting up each day.  To quote a bit of over-hyped wisdom, Live – Laugh – Love. 

 
Take care of yourself.  Stay rooted in your life.  The winds will blow.  The floods may rise.  The infections will continue.  The deaths will continue.  And, recoveries will be far more prevalent.  Through it all, we will know that peace is possible for those with deep roots.
 
Peace, my friends!
Bob Dees

First Aid for the Anxious
 
Using Your Body to Stay Grounded
 
Being Grounded
​