​Decisions are very easy for some folks.  They seem to glide through a smooth process of identifying the problem, listing options, and making THE choice.  From the outside, it appears some folks just seem to get to where they want to be without tossing and turning or fretting and second-guessing.  But I suspect these choices are more difficult than they may appear.  I have met very few people who do not struggle with big decisions.  This self-care note is about how we can best take care of our body when difficult decisions must be made.
 
Making big decisions wears a body down.  It can eat away at our energy as we fuss and fume over the uncertainty.  We burn our selective attention on “The Problem” and have very little left over for the rest of our life.  These physical effects are generally short-term and are more annoying than life-changing.  But they can affect the quality of the process we use as well as the actual choice we make.  Therefore, it is important that we take care of our physical well-being when we are struggling with a difficult decision.
 
One of the first physical casualties of a decision-making process is our sleep.  I have known a few folks whose sleep was not disturbed by the choices they were making.  But many struggle to “turn off” the brain so that they can fall asleep.  Others report that they wake up between 3-5 AM with a great idea and then cannot get back to sleep.  Some folks wake up too early pondering the problem and just give up trying to go back to sleep.  The end results for these folks are lost sleep and a weariness that will carry over the next day. 
 
A second casualty is that we may become distracted from our daily Self-Care.  The bigger the concern, the more overwhelming our anxiety.  This anxiety causes us to focus our energy on the problem.  Unfortunately, our attention only comes in a limited quantity. To increase our focus on some things means we have to ignore or disregard others.  Often, we disregard the concerns that seem less important in the short-term.  We may skip meals or grab some junk food between meetings.  We may load up on carbs and bad fats (read doughnuts and sodas) to get us through the afternoon, not realizing that they can make us even more sleepy.  We may skip a medication that makes us drowsy believing we need to be “up” and going.  We may even revert to “college days” and pull an all-nighter to get it done.  Short-sighted Self-Care seldom works out to our benefit.
 
A third casualty may be our physical health.  A lack of sleep and poor self-care can weaken the body’s immune system and make us more susceptible of the virus du jour.  Studies show that sleep produces chemical changes in our bodies that enable us to fight of many of the common viruses.  Eating “bad fats” can also lower our immunity.  These are more likely found in fried and packaged foods.  Most of us can likely recall letting ourselves run down and then catching a cold or the flu.  A friend of mine is convinced that minor infections like colds are the body’s way of slowing us down so that we can get the rest we need. 
 
It is important that we continue to take care of our body when we have difficult choices to make.  It will see us through the most difficult time as long as we rest well, eat right, and pay attention when our body is telling us that something is wrong.

​I have three tips for self-care when the body is growing weary under the weight of a big decision.
 
Bedside Notepad
Keep a small notepad and pen at your bedside.  You can also use the Notes App on your phone as long as you can resist to the temptation of taking a quick peek at FB or your email.  When a thought keeps you awake or wakes you up in the middle of the night, reach for the notepad and jot it down.  This allows you to go back to sleep without worrying about whether you will remember this “great idea” in the morning.  Having the notepad within reach also allows you to rest well knowing that if something comes up, all you have to do is reach over and record it. 
 
Eat Light
A second tip is to avoid the heavy, sleep-inducing meals that you may be accustomed to in ordinary times.  One doughnut may boost your energy during a meeting.  But a  tray-full will put you to sleep.  Eat light with a focus on nut oils rather than lard or cooking oils.  Make sure your plate has a good supply of fresh vegetables and a lesser amount of animal proteins.  Stay away from sugary treats and go with fruit or nuts for a desert or treat. 
 
Exercise
Finally, when you feel the weight of the decision pressing down on your shoulders, get up and take a walk.  Get some fresh air and allow yourself to escape the process for a while.  Stepping away allows you body to regain some of its focus and help you sort out what is important from what may simply be a product of your physical weariness. 
 
Take care of yourself and your body when you are dealing with difficult choices.  It will not only help you make a better response, it will leave you with the energy you may need to follow through one the choice is made.

The Bedside Notepad
 
Decision Fatigue
 
Can a Lack of Sleep Make You Sick?
​

​One of the more routine but difficult situations we face is when we come up against a difficult choice that must be made.  Sometimes these are choices that have been creeping up on us for a while and we have been able to avoid it, until now.  Other times, they are choices that come out of the blue and demand our attention and we know the consequences of ignoring them are far worse than any choice we may have.  These choices may be the result of new circumstances or previous choices we have made.  They may present themselves as life-changing or merely inconvenient.  Regardless of their origin, their suddenness, or their impact, they can make us miserable and steal away our love and trust, joy and hope.
 
In the next few weeks I will be exploring ways that these difficult choices can affect our body-mind-soul.  I will not be offering ways to discern the best answer to your conundrum or resolve the issues at hand.  Every circumstance is far too complex.  But I hope to be able to give you some insights into how you can protect yourself from the damage that the process of making these choices can have on your spiritual life.
 
When we are striving to discern the best option in making a difficult choice, we may use one or two of several processes.  We may use a Cost-Benefit Analysis where we weigh the negatives and positives and choose the one with the most positives.   We could Throw the Dice and leave the choice up to luck.  We could Do Nothing and trust that fate will intervene.  Sometimes we try and rope someone else into making the decision for us while reserving the right to complain about the results.  And sometimes we just turn it over to someone else and pretend it never existed.
 
Choosing the process will effect your ability to maintain your spiritual health as the process plays out.  Therefore, I want to begin the series with some tips on choosing the process that will best serve your needs. 
 

​When choosing a way to make your choice you may want to consider these ideas.
 

• Do not make more of the problem than is what is really in play.  Very few decisions are life-changing.  Many are inconvenient, and some are only in our head.

 

• Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself the opportunity to be right or wrong, in part or completely.

 

• Step back from your ego.  Your value and worth as a human being does not depend on being right.  Give yourself room to be you.

 

• Avoid catastrophizing a bad result.  Some situations can and will have negative consequences.  You cannot always prevent these and those that cause real and lasting devastation are actually rather rare.

 

• Avoid overemphasizing the positives of the choices.  Rose-colored glasses and unwarranted optimism can lead you to choose a process that will likely lead to a poor result.

 
Listen to your spirit, body-mind-soul.  You know what is right.  Your body-mind-soul is leading you.  Let your best self lead you.

Making Hard Choices
 
Making the Difficult Decision
 
Addiction and Decision Making
​

​“I just want to go home!”
 
These words were spoken by an 85-year-old woman who had spent the last two years going from hospital to rehab to home and then back to the hospital to start the cycle all over again.  After 5 trips to the hospital she was tired.  Her lips trembled as she spoke the words.  Her eyes betrayed a deep sadness.  Her hands, crippled with arthritis, were held together as if in prayer.
 
“I just want to go home!”
 
She became one of my hospice patients when her family listened to her pleas and brought her home to live out her life.  Notice that I did not say they brought her home to die.  She and they knew that she was going to die very soon.  The doctors had already told them that there was nothing more they could do.  But she did not want to go home and die.  She wanted to go home a live her life as best she could.  Her family wanted that for her as well.
 
She spent the next six-weeks surrounded by familiar sounds and aromas.  She saw her family and neighbors every day.  She ate food that was familiar and comfortable to her, though she ate very little.  She could close her eyes whenever she wanted knowing that she was surrounded with everything she needed and wanted in her life.  She was home.
 
As the end approached, she withdrew from interacting with her family.  She went inside herself and seemed comfortable and content.  He pain was addressed by her caregivers.  She relaxed into her dying and slipped away, at peace, surrounded by the people she loved.  She got her heart’s desire.
 
“I want to go home!”
 
This woman and many like her have taught me about real homelessness. 
 
Too often, when we think of homelessness, we have images of a beggar pushing her grocery cart filled with bags and cans along the streets of our major cities.  They may or may not be homeless.  Many of these people are perfectly happy with their life on the street.  Some are not, but others like their life on the “urban frontier.”  Having a house does mean you have a home.  And having a home does not mean you must have a house.  Homelessness is something far deeper and far more devastating.
 
Homelessness can afflict us body-mind-soul.  Last week, I spoke of dying well.  My patient experienced what hospice folks call “dying well.”   This means she was able to relax into her last days by letting go and embracing the gift that each moment brings.  We are homeless when we are constantly yearning for something more.  Homelessness is an unsatisfied spirit striving for the “not yet” while unaware of the gift of the present or presence.  The homeless spirit cannot relax.  They cannot find a place to lay down.  The constant waves of worry and desire create a rip tide that pulls them away from the safety of the beach.  They feel like they are drowning in their own neediness.  There is no refuge.  They are homeless.
 
When I was talking with patients and families about the possibility of hospice, I learned to listen for the “magic moment.”  Generally, these conversations would begin with my asking, “Why have you called hospice?”  The patient and the family would begin telling their story.  It usually began with the words, “The doctor said there is nothing more they can do.”  From there they would describe the medical history including their hospitalizations.  I could see the family and patient struggling with all the emotions that had come to the surface as they told their story.  I could hear and see anger, frustration, resolve, disappointment, despair, resentment, and even shame.  I listened as the story unfolded, sometimes in remarkable detail.  It was clearly a story that had defined and was defining who they were and how they had reached this point.  And then I could see the “magic moment” approaching.
 
Gradually, the energy in the room would begin to calm.  Sadness replaced a determination to fight on.  And hope began to wrap its arms around the patient and the family as the patient said, “I want to go home!”
 
For all who are homeless, I pray that you can find someone who can help you reach your “magic moment.”  Going home is not always easy, especially for those who have been away for a while.  I pray that you will let go of all the things that keep you from making that journey.  I pray that you will rediscover the place, the people, the presence, and the inner peace that will allow you to find your way home.  I pray that you will hear the voice of one calling out to you from a distance, shouting your name with great joy.  And that when you feel their arms enfold you, I pray that you will hear the words, “You were lost but now you are found.  Welcome Home!” 

​In this series I have been looking at how we become homeless, ways that we can prevent it, as well as address what do when it happens.  This week I am exploring homelessness in the soul.  This type of homeless can best be understood with the phrase “a stranger in a strange land.”  Moses, who was raised in Egypt but fled to Midian as a refugee, used these words to describe his feeling after the birth of his son in that foreign land.  Robert Heinlein used the phrase as the title of a book that told the story of a human raised on Mars but who came to Earth and struggled to acclimate to life in the strange land of his ancestors. 
 
Both of these men experienced a sense of not belonging.  But it was more than unfamiliarity with the world around them.  They felt an estrangement from their inner self as they journeyed through a strange land.  This is the feeling that grows out of a homeless soul. 
 
How do we know we are homeless in our deepest self, our soul?  Here are some signs that we are a stranger to our own soul.
 
We surprise ourselves from time to time.  Flashes of emotion seem to come out of nowhere and we cannot explain or control them.   We take actions that, when called on them by others, make no sense to us.  We cannot explain why we say or do something that feels so out of character for who we believe ourselves to be. 
 
We have trouble making sense of our world.  It is as if we woke up in a different time place and time.  The people and events seem so foreign to us, even though we have not gone anywhere.  We feel uncertain about what is expected of us.  We fear saying or doing the wrong thing.
 
We realize that others see us differently than we see ourselves.  We see that people are acting strangely toward us as if we have a huge zit on our nose.  Or several people, independent of one another, suddenly start asking us about situations or events that we know nothing about.  We get the impression that the person they are seeing when looking at us is very different from the person we saw in the mirror that morning.
 
Another sign that we are feeling homeless in our soul occurs when we struggle with being alone.  The silence of aloneness is too much.  We need noise to drown out the lack of an inner relationship with ourselves.  We may wake in the middle of night and a deep loneliness seeps into our soul even though our soulmate is just an arm’s length away.  We ramp up the pace of the inner chatter just to prevent us from having to spend quality time with ourselves in quiet contemplation.
 
These are only three indications of a homeless soul.  Most folks go through moments such as these.  These moments can happen when we change locations, especially if the change involves a different culture and/or a new language.  But they also happen when we have changed.  We are not the same person we once were.  These changes may have happened so gradually that we did not notice.  One morning we may walk out our door and the changes reach a tipping point.   They finally breakthrough into our awareness. Suddenly our everyday world feels like a very strange land. 
 
It can also happen when we experience the Reunion Effect.  Imagine walking into your 35th High School Reunion and suddenly meeting a crowd of people that you once knew very well.  They knew you just as well. Suddenly they are strangers.  Every single one of them has aged by 35 years.  And you suddenly see that you have aged as well.  These people have become strangers even though you have known for most of your life.  Suddenly, you begin to feel like a stranger as well.  Not only have they moved on, but you have as well.
 
The homeless soul can be quite debilitating.  It can steal away our sense of security and cause us to go in search of the familiar that has been lost in time.  There really is no “going home again.” Once we leave home, our choices are to aimlessly wander or find a new home.  If we try and return, it will not feel like home. 
 
How can we deal with this homelessness of the soul?  Fortunately, human beings are very adaptable.  We have been successful as a species because we are able to make a home anywhere that provides the basics of life.  Our soul can help us adapt to new surroundings, new people, new cultures, new challenges.  But this requires that we are willing to get to know and accept ourselves as we grow and change.  The most tragic homeless soul is the care-free, reckless teenager long after she or he has entered or moved through their middle years.  To avoid this, we need to make “getting to know” and “accepting ourselves” as we change part of a daily lives.

​Addressing homelessness is not as simple as finding the right place in life and staying there.  Change is inevitable.  We will continue to grow.  Rather, we need to find a way to be “at home” with ourselves.   We are our only guaranteed, lifelong companion.  We need to stay in touch with the “me” inside the person we offer to the world.  We need to discover and learn to accept that “me” regardless of anything we do, earn, or deserve. 
 
Daily – Stay woke.  Keep your heart and mind open to who you are and what is happening within your soul.  You can journal, video journal, spend time in prayer, or sit in silence allowing the soul to drift in and out of focus.
 
Monthly – Spend time with friends and family.  Be attentive to the person they see in you.  Listen carefully.  They may or may not be right.  But, if you feel yourself resisting the person that several are seeing, you may want to spend some time with the possibility that they are seeing a you that is hidden from your own soul.  And then, if true, accept that person and find ways to live with them.
 
Yearly – A yearly retreat, either alone or with a group, can be a very meaningful way of taking stock and getting reacquainted with the person that has emerged in the last year.  Find a trusted companion or spiritual companion to help you design and experience that time of retreat and renewal.
 
At Significant Life Events – As you prepare to cross a significant life event, give yourself some time to sit and listen to the inner person that is responding to this event.  Get to know that inner voice and struggle to understand who they are.  As we start from graduate from high school and begin preparing for a career, “Who is this person talking in our head and heart?  What is this person doing and saying in the world?”  Ask these same questions as you become a parent or as you raise a child or teenager.   Return to them when you encounter success or failures in life.  These questions are especially important when you experience a deep grief due a significant loss through death of a child or companion or other big change.  As you approach retirement these questions can help you sort out the “new you” that is showing up more often in your life.  Lastly, if you have the opportunity to prepare for your own death, these questions can make it more likely that you will, in hospice thinking, die well.  (I will talk more about this next week.)
 
Coming home to our soul can transform the most empty and uncomfortable life.  When you find your way home you can be who you are without doing anything to prove, earn or deserve.  You can finally come home to yourself and be at home!
 
Blessings,
Bob
 

Stranger in a Strange Land, by Robert Heinlein
 
Coming Home to the Soul
 
Healing the Shame of Trauma by Soul Recovery
​

​Have you ever been “out of your mind?”  When was the last time confusion paralyzed your ability to decide?  For the last 600 years, humanity has seen itself as the thinking creature that responds to the world through reason.  We call ourselves homo sapiens, or “wise human” according to Carl Linnaeus in 1758.   We are the rational creature with an awareness of ourselves and a profound capacity to think abstractly, especially about ourselves.  Well, that’s the idea, if not the reality.
 
We do have a valid claim to being rational.  But that rationality has come at a price.  We must pay for being rational when we find that our perceptions and the facts that grow out of them do not square with our deeply held beliefs in any rational or reasonable way.  When the facts and our beliefs come into conflict, we experience cognitive dissonance.  This is defined as a mental discomfort experienced by a person who simultaneously holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values.  We believe that if something is true it must be consistent across similar circumstances.  When conflicts arise, we become uncomfortable and seek ways to resolve the dissonance.
 
For most of us, these conflicts happen frequently.  We are confused when things don’t work out as we anticipated.  People and things surprise us and challenge the we “see” the world.  We can usually ignore minor episodes of cognitive dissonance by passing them off as not being very important in the broader scheme of things.  But when the dissonance occurs with a core value or belief, the discomfort can become debilitating. 
 
Let’s say you believe that people get what they deserve and therefore bad things never happen to good people.  I have walked with more than one person as they struggled through the dissonance that happens when they or someone they know experiences an “undeserved” tragedy.  They not only had to deal with the tragedy itself, but they also felt the “ground of their being” shake as this deep belief was challenged by reality.  We want a firm foundation beneath us.  Anything that causes that foundation to move can paralyze our ability to believe or even act.  We feel the need to resolve the dissonance so that we can regain the firm ground of rationality.
 
In resolving the dissonance, we may change our belief and accept that it never was very firm ground.  But this takes immense courage and self-awareness.  Generally, we add to our beliefs by creating other beliefs that prop it up.  For example, we may add to the belief noted above by saying, “Maybe I am not a good person and actually deserve getting cancer.”  Or, “I cannot know what that person has done.  Maybe they deserved losing their child in that accident.”  Too often, we do our most effective dissonance resolution by saying and believing things that make no sense at all.  We sacrifice rationality, the facts, to what we want to believe.  Be become irrational to preserve our sense of being rational.  If you are confused, then you see exactly what I mean!
 
Unfortunately, cognitive dissonance gets a bad rap.  We see it as something that must be avoided or resolved quickly.  But cognitive dissonance is a pathway that can lead us out of the mire of mixed beliefs and desires.  It can lead to a place where we feel safe and secure, a strong home built on a firm foundation.  Cognitive dissonance can actually lead us home if we will listen and follow its leading.
 
Essentially, there are four ways to resolve a disconnect between what we believe and what we experience or observe.
 
1) Belief is right, and facts are wrong. 
2) Facts are right, and our beliefs are wrong. 
3) Both are wrong. 
4) Both are right.
 
Choosing our path to resolution is painful and involves deep thought and soul searching.  It requires knowing who we are and what we really believe.  It demands a brutal honesty with our self and the world around us.  It takes time and requires that we withhold judgment about some things by saying, “I don’t know.”  We should be very slow in rejecting either our beliefs or the facts that present themselves to us.  If we move too quickly, we risk getting lost and losing our mind.
 
When our mind is homeless, the issue is not resolving the dissonance, but discovering integrity.  Integrity is an old word that falls in and out of favor from time to time.  It means being honest and undivided.  It is generally revealed when we compare our words to our actions.  It is most evident when others can see our beliefs in the way we live our lives.  There will always be a disconnect and points of disagreement between our beliefs and actions. But the more work we put into dealing with and understanding the dissonance can lead us to greater integrity in our daily lives. 
 
In fact, cognitive dissonance tells us that there is a something that needs attention in our mind.  Much like pain informs us that there is something wrong in the body, dissonance alerts us to our homelessness of mind.  We ignore the pain and the dissonance at our peril.  But there is a way to find our way home.  It is not merely resolving the dissonance.  To find our way home we need to learn to be patient with our dissonance as it teaches us what it takes for us to live with integrity.

Learning from our Dissonance

1. Acknowledge and identify the beliefs and realities that are creating the dissonance in our lives.
2. Avoid a quick resolution my developing patience with our dissonance
3. Allow it to help us understand and challenge the assumptions that support our beliefs that are involved with our dissonance.
4. Allow it to verify the facts that are challenging our beliefs.
5. Make whatever changes seem most reasonable to us.
6. If no reasonable options for change present themselves, return to step one and repeat. 

 
I told you this would take patience, courage, and a deep awareness or ourselves.  It is not easy!   But the good news is that integrity does not require resolution of the dissonance.  Rather, integrity is a direct result of the struggle with the dissonance.  You will find that your actions will be shaped by what you understand and by what you realize that you do not understand, yet.  You will become a person of greater integrity who knows that he is at home in his mind.  It may still be under construction or have a hole in the roof, but it is still home for you.
 
Blessings,
Bob

What is Cognitive Dissonance?
 
Integrity and Leadership
 
Being At Home
​