​The walls were lined with stacks of already read magazines and newspapers.  Shelves of books stood like silent sentinels to past learning.  Her home was a maze of carefully constructed trails among the stacks, shelves, and furniture.   To call her a hoarder was to miss the point of her clutter.  She collected ideas and accumulated knowledge.  Her passion was to understand and piece together the incredible mystery that surrounded her. 
 
Unfortunately, as the years slipped into decades, her passion had begun to fade.  She still walked among a clutter of accumulated wisdom, but it no longer fed her mind.  It had become the flotsam of a well-lived life but was now sadly neglected and largely forgotten.  She no longer pursued new questions, preferring instead to keep re-tracing old, familiar paths.  It was not that she believed she had figured out the great mystery. It had simply lost its glitter and she had become captive to her own ideas.  Her insights had become musty old clichés.  Her curiosity had died out along with her desire to learn and grow.  Her ideas had become stale memories that no longer fed her spirit.  It would be very easy to pity her.  But we must remind ourselves that we are at risk of building a similar labyrinth of ideas and becoming lost in those well-trod trails.  
 
The key that keeps our minds awake and curious is a passion for learning and the ideas and the insights it brings.  This passion depends on a steady flow of energy from the deep well of the human will.  It depends on wonder and humility to help us keep asking questions.  Why?  How?  Who? What?  When?  This is the breath of life for someone who wants to learn, grow, discover and re-learn.  When we grow tired or reallocate our energy to other areas of our life, the well runs low and we simply cannot be bothered to ask questions any longer.  Some may see such questions as distractions from the “real stuff of living.”  They may be too busy to stop and ask why.  They may stack their ideas along the walls and fill bookcase after bookcase with insights where we can pretend that they are still an important part of their lives.  They become slaves to the clichés that have gathered around their beliefs and walk the same paths through the “same-old, same-old” every single day.

​The healthy spirit needs to open up the windows of the mind.  It needs to ask questions and seek new insights, ideas, and memories. 
 
The tip for this week is to pursue those questions that beg you for an answer.  And then chase that rabbit as far as you can.  When something catches your mind’s eye, stop and explore the who, what, why, how, and where.  For example, on a recent show about Ancient Native Life, I learned that the tribes built their granaries on a cliff, high above the canyon floor.  I asked myself “Why did they build them way up there?”  I soon learned that they did so to hide their food from raiders.  The height also made it difficult for itto be taken and increased their ability to defend them.   I learned a lot about how an ancient people lived and something about the human spirit in their story.
 
Take you mind along on your vacation.  Vacations give us the opportunity get outside of our well-trod paths and become humbly curious about our world.  They can offer us the opportunity to do so with a purpose beyond just making a living or doing what we have always done.  When we develop a curiosity, driven by wonder, we cast aside our preconceptions and allow the world to teach us.  We do not have to impress anyone or fulfill other’s expectations.  We are able to focus on the wonders that exist just beyond our understanding.  This transforms our time into a glorious adventure.  Travel becomes an exploration.  Museums become teachers.  Reading becomes a dialogue with interesting people we will likely never meet.  Listening to a podcast, exploring Wikipedia, or searching YouTube becomes a journey into the unknown.  Having a real conversation with real people about things that challenge our assumptions and ideas becomes a time of insight and growth. 
 
Humble curiosity can awaken your mind while on vacation. It allows us to rediscover the joy of a learning about ourselves and the world around us.  In that rediscovery you will find the flame of passion flickering to life in your soul.  The energy will start to flow, and you may even find a door that will lead out of your well-walked paths and into a new world that is more than you ever dreamed.
 
Happy 4th, my friends.
 
Blessings,
Bob

A Healthy Curiosity
 
Why Curiosity?
 
Humble Curiosity
​

​There are those special moments when I am facing a difficult question or situation when a familiar voice rises within and offers some bit of forgotten wisdom.  Sometimes I can recognize the voice and tone.  Sometimes there is simply a familiarity about it, but I cannot identify the one speaking.  Sometimes they are voices of family and friends who have died while other times they are from authors/scholars who I have studied.  Sometimes they are the words of friends who passed through my life and moved on.  At times they are friends and family who do not happen to be present at the time.  There have been times when I have engaged these voices in conversation, struggling to understand what they are saying.  At other times I hear them and add them to the jumble of thoughts.  These conversations are not only ok, they are normal and helpful (usually).
 
Our mind is a deep reservoir of memories that help us understand and reflect on our lives. It includes things we have learned, experiences we have shared, and insights that have accumulated over the years.  Much of this information is held in narratives around people we have studied, encountered, or known personally.  As these people passed through our lives, they have left us with ideas, experiences, and insights that have become part of the way that we see and understand the world within and beyond our selves.
 
Unfortunately, some of these memories have been lost and forgotten.   Some can be recovered by recalling the person who was involved in creating the memory.  In fact, I believe, we keep some people in our minds to hold on to the things they taught us.  We hold on to them to keep them alive.  We want to hold on to them as conversation partners.  We want to keep them as companions to remind us of insights and ideas.  Sometimes, the things we have learned from them are “too important” to be forgotten and by creating space in our memories for them, we increase the odds of remembering what they taught us. 
 
Self-care of the mind among friends and enemies involves being aware of and responding appropriately to these people in our “heads.”  They include many who may no longer be physically part of our lives, but they can also include the people around us who influence the way we see and think about ourselves and the world around us. 
 
Are these voices truly helpful or do they seem to interfere and tear down healthy ways of dealing with our lives? 
 
These voices can rip apart our self-esteem.  They can lead us to doubt ourselves and the people around us.  They can form the framework for long-held prejudices.  On the other hand, they can help us see through the fog of the present by offering a broader perspective on our lives.  They can help us deal with the real world by challenging any ideas that merely serve the moment.  These voices can remind us that we are far more than who we believe we are in this moment of despair, failure, or disappointment.
 
By listening to and identifying these many voices, we can decide how much time and influence will we allow them over our memory and reasoning.  Ultimately, we can decide how much space do you give your friends and enemies in your mind – reasoning and memory.  There are some voices that can be released.  This may include forgetting, forgiving, or simply ignoring.  Others may need to be recovered so that we can explore the gifts they offer.  Regardless, by carefully attending to the voices and people that “live in our heads” we can offer self-care to our minds when we are among our friends and enemies.

​Listen for those lingering relationships in your internal conversations.  Identify, as best you can who they are and where you encountered them.  Make a list and then ask yourself the following questions about each one.
 
How do they help you through your daily living?  Enhance your inner conversation?  Do they increase your capacity for love and trust, joy and hope?  Do they bring you an uncomfortable growth of insight?
 
How do they interfere with your daily living?  Do they tear down your self-image?  Do they steal your trust and joy?  Do they challenge you hope and love?  Do they encourage your negative feelings about yourself and the world around you?
 
Identify those voices that need to be retained in your memory and Learning to let go of the rest.  Remember, we need both friendly choices that affirm and challenging voices (whether they be friend of foe) to help us grow.  Keep those that are helpful and disregard those that are not. If a destructive voice persists you may want to see the help of a trusted friend or therapist.  But you do not need to yield space in your mind to those voices that do not serve your health and happiness.  Discerning the voices and taking steps to use them to promote your love and trust, joy and hope is good self-care.
 
Bob

A Positive Inner Voices
 
The Critical Inner Voice
 
Dealing Your Parent’s Voices
​

​One of the caricatures of retirement is the long nap.  While I am a great fan of naps and have used and continue to rely on them for self-care, retirement is not a time to go to sleep.   We may take a few more naps, but in retirement we need to develop the discipline of “waking up” more than ever. 
 
Without the mental stimulation of our work and regular contact with other people, we can easily slip into a sort of walking nap.  We no longer challenge the mind with questions and conundrums.  We may stop exploring and grappling with the world around us.  We may allow our mind to accept the day-to-day events at face value and simply do not want to be bothered with challenges and inconsistencies.  Many may feel that they have done their part and now they just want to be left alone.  Welcome to the walking nap.
 
I have not seen any articles that argues for a link between dementia and an inactive mind, but many believe that keeping the mind alert and active may delay the onset of dementia or lessen its impact on our lives.  Others have suggested that by improving the mind’s ability to wrestle with daily life we will extend the time that we can be self-sufficient and live independently.  There is no doubt that we will live a more socially active and engaging life when we are able to stay curious and engaged in our daily activities.
 
What does “staying awake” in retirement look like?  It means staying current with the news around us.  It means staying in touch with family and friends regularly.  If we have spent a lifetime working with our hands, it may mean keeping busy with physical projects.  If we have been engaged in the people-business, it may mean continuing to engage in relationships beyond our family and finding ways to increase our interactions.  If we have spent a lifetime reading or working quietly on our own, it may mean signing up for a Kindle Unlimited Account and keep on reading.  Staying fully awake may even mean reaching out beyond our life-long patterns and engaging the world in new and alternate ways. 
 
It is very easy to let the naps take over our lives.  But in retirement, our lives depend on staying engaged, alert, and mentally active.  In short, stay awake!  Or, if you have found yourself slipping away, “Wake up!”

​Pursue your interests and/or develop new ones.
 
Look upon your retirement as a time to more actively pursue the hobbies you have been enjoying for many years.  Take a class or two and hone your existing skills.  Expand your knowledge and find new ways of enjoying your hobby(ies).  If your existing interests no longer bring you joy, look for new ways to experience and enhance your everyday life.  While working, we may have allowed our work to shape our choice of hobbies by choosing something that would serve “double-duty”.  But in retirement, we have the time to explore other interests.  If they light up our days, then pursue them.  If not, move on and try something else.  Do not be afraid to explore areas that you never thought you would like.  Freed from the constraints of pleasing an employer or client, explore your wants and needs.  There may be a whole new world within you that is about to be revealed.
 
Allow Time for Reflection
 
Retirement offers one gift that we have never really had before, a long lifetime of experiences ready to be explored.  In retirement we have the opportunity to look back and grow through our remembered experiences.  This does not mean we have to write a memoir or piece together a scrapbook, though either may be possibilities if we are so inclined.  Rather, simply spend time with family and old friends to explore the “good old days.”  Look back through your pictures or memorabilia and let the stories tell themselves.  Do not be afraid of asking about and exploring life-lessons learned and opportunities that may have slipped through unnoticed.  Reflection allows us to embrace our lives as we actually lived it.  It will likely lead us to seek forgiveness from ourselves and celebrate the good that has been an important part of our journey.  Either way it can offer us a path to the peace we deserve.
 
Time for Mentoring and Sharing
 
Lastly, retirement offers us an opportunity to reach out to younger folks with mentoring and sharing. 
 
This does not mean lecturing them about the way it was done in the good old days.  This does not mean telling the younger generation that they are incredibly inept and unworthy of the world that was left to them.  This does not mean expecting them to lean on every word you speak as it was uttered by the voice of a god. 
 
It does mean listening and being a voice of encouragement in their lives.  It does mean recognizing that they have things to teach us and we respect them enough to listen to what they have to say.  It does mean that we will communicate our willingness to place the world in their hands and trust that they will grow through their mistakes just as we did.   We do not expect perfection, only faithfulness to the future.  We do not expect obedience, only engagement for the good of others.  In mentoring and sharing, we will tie the bow around a life well-lived.
 
By staying awake, we will increase the love and trust, joy and hope in our lives and help those who follow to embrace these healthy values as well.
 
Live well, my friends.  We can still make a difference!
 
Bob Dees

An Active Mind
 
Staying Awake
 
Mind Exercise

​When was the last time you read a non-fiction book that had nothing to do with your employment?  When was the last time you learned a skill that had no practical application in your job?  One survey reported that 42% of graduates never read another book after college.  80% of U.S. families did not buy a book last year.  For most of us, the only classes we take are the ones provided by or required by our employers.  We learn and think only what we need in order to do our job.  Our minds are being shaped by our vocations as we become what we do and look like those with whom we do it!
 
This vocational shaping creates a little self that must do in order to prove its worth.  Even if we enjoy the learning, there is little joy in learning just for the sake of learning.  Our mind has been enslaved to our job and our spirit becomes smaller and smaller. Our interests become fewer and fewer.  Our relationships become more and more limited.  Our hopes and dreams shrink to within the boundaries established by our day-to-day employment.  To paraphrase the UNCF slogan, “A mind is a terrible thing to waste on a job.”
 
When we take our mind to work, we are rewarded for single mindedness.  Attending job related training is required.  We are encouraged to “stay current in our field” and build a professional network who can help us do that.  Our world becomes smaller and our spirit shrinks to fill that world.
 
But there is so much more.  This is generally not discovered until we reach the age of retirement and when the job is taken from us, we become lost.  Many will simply go back to work to fill the void.  Others simply waste away, having lost a world big enough to keep them interested in living.  There is something more to life, even before retirement.
 
Self-care of the mind at work invites us to develop hobbies and outside interests.  These may include reading or traveling.  They can also mean learning a new skill like handcrafts or artistic endeavors.  Self-care also encourages us to expand our social circle beyond our colleagues and co-workers.  Make connections with new people. Build memories beyond those that gather around the workplace.  Do not wait until retirement comes, make this an important part of your daily living while you are working.  You will enrich your daily living while working and allow yourself to retire into a more abundant life than you believed possible.
 

​The best way to stretch yourself beyond the workplace is to simply stay curious.
 
Keep your eyes open to the intriguing and unusual.
 
Keep asking questions about things that capture your imagination or do not seem to fit in your world.
 
Challenge your assumptions about the way things are and listen for other’s assumptions about how the world works.
 
Travel and meet other people.  Eat their food and listen to their stories.  Play their music and learn their language.  Let them show you the rich diversity of life that awaits the intentional traveler.
 
In short, allow curiosity to stretch your mind!  Allow it to introduce new voices to your inner dialogue.  Allow curiosity to bring a greater contrast and depth of color to your insights.  Simply ask Who?  What? Why? How? and Why?  And listen as your experiences, your companions, and your insights respond and open up your world.
 
Stay curious and do not allow your job to keep you from the abundance that awaits all who dare to seek something more.
 
Bob

Mental Boredom
 
Being Bored at a Job you Love
 
Being Curious

​“Know thyself!”  Most of us have taken these words to heart and have developed a set of expectations about ourselves.  These expectations pop up from time to time when say things like, “I was never very good at math.” or “I don’t like change.”  These bits and pieces of our selves come together in the on-going dialogue in our head.  They help us to prepare for difficult times and avoid being surprised when an old nemesis, like math, jumps in our path.  Most of us have an idea about how resilient we are or how inflexible we may be when facing new circumstances.  We have a set of likes and dislikes that help us sort through new choices and opportunities.  We have, to some extent, an idea of how we may react to new situations or circumstances.  We carry all of this into our new journey.
 
However, each new journey has the capacity to challenge these ideas about who we are.  When a particular belief of idea has not been tested in a while, we may find that we are more or less resilient than we believed.  If we encounter a truly novel circumstance, we may not have a memory or idea that can help us deal with it.  But we may have an idea about how we respond to moments like these.  Most new journeys are not simple one-level experiences. They touch our lives in many ways and hit a variety of ideas about who we are.  In short, new journeys have a way of “messing with our mind” and may force us to re-think not only our journey but how we think of ourselves.  “I must have been crazy to think I could handle this!”
 
New Journeys may challenge our assumptions and understandings of ourselves and the world around us.  The best part of a new journey is the new self that will emerge along the road.  Every new path allows us to discover new ideas and ways of seeing ourselves and the world around us.  In fact, the bulk of who we believe ourselves to be grew out of our previous paths, especially the more difficult ones.  We found ourselves tested and tried.  We were forged in the proverbial “crucible of doubt” and emerged with a new way of thinking and seeing. 
 
As you begin a new journey, keep your eyes open to the challenges that will come your way.  Pay particular attention to those that stir up fear or anxiety.  In these you will find the “new you” trying to break forth into the light of day.

​When you find yourself on a new path in life, I invite you to open up a travel journal for your trip.  These will be your own personal reflections on the conversations you will be having with yourself along the way.  Date and note the time of each entry.  Here are a few tips to consider.
 

1. Pay attention to those experiences that evoke a deep emotional or intellectual response, one that shakes your spirit.  No need for a lot of detail but capture the essence of the experience and the response in a few words or phrases.
2. Make a note when different experiences evoke the same response or different responses that may grow out of similar experiences.
3. Do not try and process all of this when you are on the road.  Instead, take a break from time to time.  Prop your feet up with a nice glass of wine or some other relaxing beverage and read back through your Travel Journal.  Allow your mind to sift and sort, noticing recurring themes or situations, and drawing some tentative sense of what this may mean for you.  Note these reflections in your Travel Journal and draw a box around them.
4. When you feel you have completed this new journal, write a few things you have learned along the way.  You may refer back to the boxed reflections for inspirations but allow yourself think outside of the boxes. 

 
A new journey is an opportunity to learn and grow and discover a new you struggling to be born.  Enjoy the journey!
 
Bob

What is Self-Concept?
 
How Do We Form a Self-Concept?
 
Challenging a  Negative Self-Concept
​

​Many of us find ourselves mind-weary during the holidays.  We may experience all kinds of memories, both troubling and comforting.  We work to keep up with endless to do lists along with a process for what needs to happen next.  We may confront larger issues like who we are and why we do what we do.  We may simply stress out trying to keep our shopping lists, budgets, and calendars on track.  Mind-weariness can cause difficulty sleeping, making decisions, and dealing with confusion.
 
This weariness generally revolves around the three “R’s” of celebrating the holidays; rituals, relationships, and rememberings.
 
Rituals – Almost every family has a certain set of things that it does every year during the holidays.  We usually call them family traditions.  These may include activities and recipes.  A couple of years ago I saw a picture of my Mom and Dad sitting at their dining room table in the mid 1960’s.  I could identify every dish on the table because we had most of them on our table last Christmas.  These rituals serve as a vital part of the holidays and when we change them, we begin to feel stress.  These rituals allow us to get into the flow of meaning of the holidays.  They help us connect the dots between what we understand about the season and embrace it once again.  Unfortunately, there are times when they must be changed.  As I diabetic I have had to say good bye to several recipes on the holiday table.  When we change the ritual, we fear losing the meaning.  Can it really be Christmas without Pecan Pie?  We are easily wearied by having unwelcome and unwanted changes to our rituals.
 
Relationships – Another important part of celebrating is getting together with our “family’ whether we share DNA or not.  These reflect life-long or long-term relationships that remind us who we were, who we are, and suggest where we are heading.  They help us connect the dots of our “tribe” along with our place in it.  In our Children and Grandchildren’s faces we are reminded of who we once were.  In the faces of our friends we see ourselves as they see us, as we are.  And in the faces of our parents and older siblings we see ourselves as we will be.  When this happens in the context of the holidays, we have the opportunity to find forgiveness/acceptance, support/companionship, and hope/destiny.  However, when these opportunities are lost, and we may find ourselves in self-recrimination, isolation, and despair.   The holidays become a horribly stressful burden.  The meaning of the holiday is changed and we may become overwhelmed with these painful relationships.  It is just too tiring to “smile” our way through another Christmas some folks. 
 
Rememberings – A source of mind-weariness during the holidays revolves around our rememberings.  These are more than simple memories.  Re-membering is establishing a re-connection with the stories of ourselves and those around us.  It is not simply a quiet memory that comes and goes.  It is an active engagement with the story that has real-time effects in our lives.  These rememberings transport us back to being that child who could not go to sleep on Christmas Eve.  When we place that special handmade ornament on the tree, we re-member the little hands that cut it out and glued the glitter on it.  When the lights are passed from one candle to the other, we are re-membered with other Christmas Eve’s and other moments when the story came alive.  Remembering allows us to rediscover our self in our story.  However, mind weariness can begin to accumulate when that story is poisoned by grief, re-membered abuse, or we feel that our memories are empty compared to others re-membering.
 
We all want the perfect holiday where the rituals, relationships, and rememberings combine to bring us comfort, joy, and peace.  However, such perfect holidays are elusive.  Each of these elements will be sources of discomfort, anxiety, and disappointment as well.  Self-care of the mind can help us grow through and into a meaningful holiday experience.

​The mind is an integral part of our capacity for sorting out and making our lives mean something.  It helps us see our experiences in such a way that we can learn and grow through them.  Whether the experiences are positive or negative, the mind can help us find something of value within them.  The key to celebrating the holidays is to find the meaning in our rituals, relationships, and rememberings.
 
Do not simply go through the motions.  As you engage the rituals allow the memories and people who are brought to mind to speak to you.  Engage them in conversation.  Let them share, once again, the “reason for the season.”  Let the rituals, relationships, and remembering come alive.
 
Recognize that the past is the past.  It can suggest who we were and offer insights into how we got to where we are.  But well-worn rituals, relationships, and rememberings are not the same as the present.  In this holiday season, allow your rituals to adapt to new realities.  Allow your relationships to continue to grow through new experiences.  Allow your experiences to become the content for future rememberings.  Accept responsibility for your present circumstances and find joy in them but do not be afraid to leave behind those that cause you mind weariness. 
 
Finally, remind yourself that in many ways we are still children living in expectation of something very special during this time of year.  However, embrace that expectation with a broader understanding that not every gift is expected or welcomed.  Recognize that often our greatest gifts come in the wrapping of disappointment, sadness, and deep yearning.  Celebrating the holidays often means unwrapping those gifts and looking for the treasure within.
 
Engage your holidays, accept responsibility for your celebrations, and unwrap every gift whether welcomed or not.  In doing so you will find new meaning and purpose and make any weariness the result of a well-traveled road through the holidays.
 
Blessings,
Bob

Holiday Rituals
 
Holiday Relationships
 
Holiday Memories
​

​For me, writing and making a decision have one thing in common.  While the doing may be hard work, having done so feels pretty good.  Having made a hard decision should feel good.  Making the decision may be hard work.  But once it’s made, I often feel that a huge weight has lifted off my life and the excitement of something begins to dawn.  I am a ponderer.  I spend a great deal of time pondering the problem before acting on it.  For me, a rushed decision never feels right.  Therefore, it is very important for me to exercise good self-care that allows the process of pondering to play itself out so that I end up being a decision that I can celebrate.
 
While I would like to believe that I make each new decision based on the best evidence available, this is not always the case.  Unfortunately, my decision-making is often influenced by well-worn paths through my ideas and beliefs.  I, like most folks, am a creature of mental habits who often think in clichés and platitudes.  Our memories and beliefs have an undue influence over our choices.  Our feelings have an unstated bias toward one option or another.  When we limit our choices, our mind will struggle to feel good about our decisions.
 
Here are three situations that challenge our joy in making a hard decision.
 
The Automatic Choice
The automatic choice prevents us from growing through hard decisions and into new ways of living.  It obscures the mystery and confirms our prejudices and existing beliefs.  The automatic choice leads us believe that everything is as it should be.  It offers temporary solace and allows us to move ahead, unhindered by reality.  When we enter a time of discernment and are relatively untroubled by our choices, we may be running on automatic.  We are likely relying on an unthinking cliché, an unassessed belief, or mere tradition rather than the present needs and opportunities.  We risk not only making a poor decision but setting ourselves up for a much greater “fall from grace” when our short-sighted choice fails to bring us joy we expect.  The tiny whisper that we could have done better will be drowned out in self-congratulation and prideful ego for a while.
 
The Unconsidered Option
But even when we engage in a meaningful decision-making process, we may still taint our future joy by missing meaningful options.  There are times when we are so focused on what we want for the path ahead, that we cannot see the best options that are right in front of us.  Being “firm-minded” (my mother’s word for stubborn) can obscure less familiar choices.  It is not that we have disregarded them so much as we never saw them.   If we “know” that our choices must include certain unquestioned qualifiers, then we will likely walk right by some perfectly reasonable “hidden-in-plain-sight” options.  They are never considered because they were never seen.
 
The Doubted Choice
Then there is the doubted choice.  This is often the result of talking ourselves out of a choice because we doubt either that we can do it or that it will really get the job done.  Most difficult choices come with doubts about our ability to do what needs to be done.  But, by internalizing this doubt too early, we may dismiss it before we have given it a fair hearing.  The doubt may have nothing to do with the choice itself.  It could rise from a sense of inner conflict, uncertainty about ourselves, a hidden dislike for the choice, or some other unannounced bias against it.  By listening to doubt and second-guessing ourselves too early in the process we may lose the joy that is ours when we make a difficult decision.
 
With good self-care we can come closer to an acceptable level of joy or, at least, acceptance of our decision.

​Marlene and I have been camping this week at Garner State Park.  (Which explains why this Self-Care Note is late getting posted.)  One of the many reasons we enjoy this park are the trails and opportunities they offer for exploring the Hill Country.  This week was to be no exception until a poor decision changed our plans. 
 
On our first day here, I thought we would get warmed up with a little late afternoon walk along the river.    Since it was intended to be a walk, I wore walking shoes and left my hiking boots at camp.  I remember thinking that I ought to wear my boots but then I talked myself out of the trouble of changing shoes just for a little walk.  This was not my best decision of the week.  The walk turned into a bit more after we got past the dam and were on a rocky and muddy trail.  My slick walking shoes were not a good match for slick river mud on the sloping trail.  I ended up in the mud with a very sore SI (sacroiliac joint).  All future hiking was reduced to short walks when the hip allowed.
 
What does this have to do with self-care of the mind in times of difficult choices?  It describes how we can avoid the poor choices described above.  Do not be afraid of taking the rockiest (or muddiest) path.  But be prepared for the journey.
 
The paths of least resistance will not bring you much joy.  Why did I keep going past the paved trail and into the rocks and mud?  Because that is where the photos were.  I was told by a photographer (just before I fell) that there were some great shots up ahead.  Having shot there a couple years ago, I knew the possibility existed and this other photographer’s words confirmed it.  I stepped off the pavement and onto the trail with a new resolve, forgetting completely about being in walking shoes.  I knew that good shots generally require the rockiest and muddiest paths.  My failure was in my lack of respect for the trail.
 
If we are going to make the hard decisions, we need to respect the trail and prepare ourselves for it.
 
 First, do not let habit, laziness, or self-doubt steal your joy in choosing an easy path.  Ask yourself if this is a trail of least resistance or one that will bring the joy you are seeking?  If you truly want a meaningful decision be sure you pick from among the best options regardless of how rocky or muddy the path may be.
 
Second, pause and ask yourself if you are prepared to make that choice.  If not, you can either cross off the option or stop and take the time to get prepared.  Be sure that you can maintain traction when the path becomes hard.  Give yourself the greatest opportunity for success and you will find joy and fulfillment at the end of the trail.
 
Third, walk carefully and mindfully.  Be aware of the progress you are making.  Make adjustments along the way.  Do not let ego or pride cause you to go where you are not prepared to go.  Good decisions are not simply one-time events.  They are a constant process of moving forward deliberately making adjustments along the way.  They may require a small backtrack or two from time to time.  It is not only about the results but the journey that will bring you the joy of a good decision.
 
Choose the rocky path.  Get prepared for your journey.  Stay mindful of the journey.  In the end, when the opportunity is claimed, your mind with rejoice in the choice(s) you have made.  Regrets will have been minimized and the task “having-been-completed” will bring joy and satisfaction.
 
Good choosing!  Just watch that next step!
 
Bob

About the Paths of Least Resistance
 
The Road Not Taken
 
The Path With Heart
​

​Have you ever been “out of your mind?”  When was the last time confusion paralyzed your ability to decide?  For the last 600 years, humanity has seen itself as the thinking creature that responds to the world through reason.  We call ourselves homo sapiens, or “wise human” according to Carl Linnaeus in 1758.   We are the rational creature with an awareness of ourselves and a profound capacity to think abstractly, especially about ourselves.  Well, that’s the idea, if not the reality.
 
We do have a valid claim to being rational.  But that rationality has come at a price.  We must pay for being rational when we find that our perceptions and the facts that grow out of them do not square with our deeply held beliefs in any rational or reasonable way.  When the facts and our beliefs come into conflict, we experience cognitive dissonance.  This is defined as a mental discomfort experienced by a person who simultaneously holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values.  We believe that if something is true it must be consistent across similar circumstances.  When conflicts arise, we become uncomfortable and seek ways to resolve the dissonance.
 
For most of us, these conflicts happen frequently.  We are confused when things don’t work out as we anticipated.  People and things surprise us and challenge the we “see” the world.  We can usually ignore minor episodes of cognitive dissonance by passing them off as not being very important in the broader scheme of things.  But when the dissonance occurs with a core value or belief, the discomfort can become debilitating. 
 
Let’s say you believe that people get what they deserve and therefore bad things never happen to good people.  I have walked with more than one person as they struggled through the dissonance that happens when they or someone they know experiences an “undeserved” tragedy.  They not only had to deal with the tragedy itself, but they also felt the “ground of their being” shake as this deep belief was challenged by reality.  We want a firm foundation beneath us.  Anything that causes that foundation to move can paralyze our ability to believe or even act.  We feel the need to resolve the dissonance so that we can regain the firm ground of rationality.
 
In resolving the dissonance, we may change our belief and accept that it never was very firm ground.  But this takes immense courage and self-awareness.  Generally, we add to our beliefs by creating other beliefs that prop it up.  For example, we may add to the belief noted above by saying, “Maybe I am not a good person and actually deserve getting cancer.”  Or, “I cannot know what that person has done.  Maybe they deserved losing their child in that accident.”  Too often, we do our most effective dissonance resolution by saying and believing things that make no sense at all.  We sacrifice rationality, the facts, to what we want to believe.  Be become irrational to preserve our sense of being rational.  If you are confused, then you see exactly what I mean!
 
Unfortunately, cognitive dissonance gets a bad rap.  We see it as something that must be avoided or resolved quickly.  But cognitive dissonance is a pathway that can lead us out of the mire of mixed beliefs and desires.  It can lead to a place where we feel safe and secure, a strong home built on a firm foundation.  Cognitive dissonance can actually lead us home if we will listen and follow its leading.
 
Essentially, there are four ways to resolve a disconnect between what we believe and what we experience or observe.
 
1) Belief is right, and facts are wrong. 
2) Facts are right, and our beliefs are wrong. 
3) Both are wrong. 
4) Both are right.
 
Choosing our path to resolution is painful and involves deep thought and soul searching.  It requires knowing who we are and what we really believe.  It demands a brutal honesty with our self and the world around us.  It takes time and requires that we withhold judgment about some things by saying, “I don’t know.”  We should be very slow in rejecting either our beliefs or the facts that present themselves to us.  If we move too quickly, we risk getting lost and losing our mind.
 
When our mind is homeless, the issue is not resolving the dissonance, but discovering integrity.  Integrity is an old word that falls in and out of favor from time to time.  It means being honest and undivided.  It is generally revealed when we compare our words to our actions.  It is most evident when others can see our beliefs in the way we live our lives.  There will always be a disconnect and points of disagreement between our beliefs and actions. But the more work we put into dealing with and understanding the dissonance can lead us to greater integrity in our daily lives. 
 
In fact, cognitive dissonance tells us that there is a something that needs attention in our mind.  Much like pain informs us that there is something wrong in the body, dissonance alerts us to our homelessness of mind.  We ignore the pain and the dissonance at our peril.  But there is a way to find our way home.  It is not merely resolving the dissonance.  To find our way home we need to learn to be patient with our dissonance as it teaches us what it takes for us to live with integrity.

Learning from our Dissonance

1. Acknowledge and identify the beliefs and realities that are creating the dissonance in our lives.
2. Avoid a quick resolution my developing patience with our dissonance
3. Allow it to help us understand and challenge the assumptions that support our beliefs that are involved with our dissonance.
4. Allow it to verify the facts that are challenging our beliefs.
5. Make whatever changes seem most reasonable to us.
6. If no reasonable options for change present themselves, return to step one and repeat. 

 
I told you this would take patience, courage, and a deep awareness or ourselves.  It is not easy!   But the good news is that integrity does not require resolution of the dissonance.  Rather, integrity is a direct result of the struggle with the dissonance.  You will find that your actions will be shaped by what you understand and by what you realize that you do not understand, yet.  You will become a person of greater integrity who knows that he is at home in his mind.  It may still be under construction or have a hole in the roof, but it is still home for you.
 
Blessings,
Bob

What is Cognitive Dissonance?
 
Integrity and Leadership
 
Being At Home
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​Do you have moments when life does not seem to make any sense?   Logic does not seem to apply.  Or, we can see that both sides of a disagreement could be valid.  Or, the only solution that should make sense is obviously wrong?  If you have never experienced any of these, then count yourself fortunate.  You must have everything figured out.  But if you are like the rest of us mere mortals, having our mind stuck on a particularly thorny problem is not all that uncommon.
 
Mental stuckness is generally dealt with by just not thinking about it, if possible.  If unavoidable, we will simply choose the answer that seems most likely and move on recognizing that we can only see through the mirror dimly.  By the way, this is called faith.  And many folks believe it is a final solution to mental stuckness.  Many will say, “Forget the distractions that do not make sense.  Trust me!  This is true.”  Faith is a good thing.  It helps us to get by but it is not the final note in the symphony.  Even Paul said “For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then we will see face to face. Now I know only in part; then I will know fully, even as I have been fully known.”  (1 Cor. 13:12)  Faith is an interim understanding not a final resting place of truth.  We cannot become unstuck by making a faith claim.  We will only become prisoners of our stuckness.
 
Mental stuckness is a gift.  It invites us to recognize our limitations and push further in our search for insight and understanding.  The great discoveries in science and the humanities began with someone became mentally stuck.  Why do objects fall down and not up?  Why do bad things happen to good people?  Why is one object beautiful and another ugly?  Each of these moments of stuckness ushered in a new age of human insight and understanding that continues today. 
 
Generally, we become mentally stuck for one of three reason.  We may simply be ignorant.  Ignorance is simply a lack of relevant information.  It does not imply that we are incapable of learning.  That would be stupidity.  In fact, it suggests that we are capable of acquiring the knowledge we need to resolve the problem.  Ignorance can be fixed with education.
 
A second cause of stuckness is the Non Sequitur.  Things that do not seem to follow as we believe they should.  This is often the result of faulty thinking.  We may have reversed the rules of logic of missed a step in the process of coming to an answer.  Once again, we can move beyond the non sequitur by education, disciplining the mind to work through the problem in a meaningful way.
 
The third reason for mental stuckness is far more difficult to resolve.  It is called Cognitive Dissonance.  This occurs when we encounter two things that appear to be true but seem to negate one another.  This is not simply a lack of information or familiarity with the process that leads to resolution.  It grows out of something far more complex, our faith claims mentioned above.  We have decided that something is true.  Eventually, we will encounter the opposite that we had set aside in order to make our faith claim.  This creates a deep dissonance in our mind.  We can either reassert our faith and suppress the dissonance but it will return.  But there is a better way.
 
We can love the truth enough to acknowledge that both may be true and allow them to teach us what they have to offer.  This is not resolving the paradox.  It is learning through it.  It can open our minds to new knowledge and lead us to discover new ways to work through our problems.  More importantly, it came tame the soul’s bent toward hubris by reminding us that we do, in fact, only see in the mirror dimly, even when we are at our most insightful.  We do not need to defend our beliefs to the death because we could be wrong and we have much to learn and discover.  In Paul’s words, “Faith, hope, and love abide.  And the greatest of these is love.”  This includes a love for truth that overrides our need to be right.

​How do we Receive the gift of the paradox?
 
Explore the truth as well as the false in both statements. Both sides of the paradoxical statements hold ideas that appear true as well as ideas that seem false.  Let all of them speak to you.
 
By greater insight into both sides of the paradox, the middle will begin to appear.  In those gray areas a new path exists just beneath the surface of your awareness.  This may not reveal a resolution, but it will offer one or more directions for exploration.  It will show you that there are new things to learn and assumptions to test.  It will point you forward and you will discover that you are no longer stuck!
 
 But most of all, the paradox will help you discover a deeper appreciation for the dissonance.  Just as music is a scripted performance of harmony and dissonance, sound and silence, a paradox will allow you to accept that there is a script for our mental journey.  Our minds enjoy moments of insight and moments of confusion, moments of great activity and moments of stillness.  These are signs that the symphony is still playing and the final resolution has not yet come.  Celebrate the music of the mind as you grow toward that final chord!

When Mentally Stuck
 
Classic Paradoxes
 
A Few More Classic Paradoxes
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​Being a caregiver can fill a life to overflowing.  It offers the caregiver a sense of purpose by giving us a reason to get out of bed each morning.  It affirms the values that tell us that we are people of value.  It allows us to begin to give back for all that we have received.   However, caregivers can become so focused on the care we provide that a strange kind of logic sets in.  Our memory becomes distorted.  Our worldview becomes dangerously narrow.  Our reasoning becomes precariously tilted.  Here are some examples.
 
Believing we are irreplaceable!  After we have settled into a routine of caregiving, we may come to believe that we are essential to the well-being of the one receiving care.  In fact, we may start to believe that we alone are able to care for this person.  No one could do it like we can.  Their lives depend on us, and us alone.
 
Believing we know best!  Once we get to know our patient or family member’s needs, we may feel that we are the “expert” on their care.  We not only know when they are in need, we know what they need.  We may overrule doctor’s orders because the doctor really does not know them as well as we do.  We may start exerting control over the patient of family member because we know more than they know.  We may refuse any help from “outsiders” because they cannot possibly understand the situation better than we do.
 
Linking our Happiness to the Patient’s Outcomes!  As we become more and more involved with the patient or family member we discover that our moods and feelings of self-worth become more and more dependent on how they are doing.  If they take a downturn we begin to experience guilt or shame.  If they perk up, we feel a lift to our step and a sense of accomplishment.  Especially when dealing with older and frail patients or family members, outcomes can be affected by far more than the level or skill of our caregiving.  As with hospice patients, the outcome is not likely to be better health.  The best we can expect is comfort and sometimes the illness makes even that an impossible challenge.
 
Believing that it is all about attitude!  When we are struggling with the caregiving, we often fall back on the “power of positive thinking” to rescue us.  We believe that all it takes is a good attitude.  We repress any negative thoughts and paste a smile on our face to cover the encroaching frustration or sadness.  When the sadness “wins” we blame ourselves and become ashamed of our raw emotions.  We tell ourselves that we should be able to “handle it!”
 
Each of these mental choices we make are based on some very shaky thinking.  They tend to grow out of our insecurities or fears rather than any real understanding of ourselves or the needs of our patient or family member.  Our “need to be needed” can cause us to overestimate our impact and importance.  We may feel threatened by those who are better equipped to provide care.  We may simply be afraid that if we pretend everything is as it should be then nothing bad will really happen.
 
Unfortunately, these errors in thinking can create an underlying sense of guilt and fear of their own.  We are afraid that others will find out the truth.  We are fearful that we will not live up to our expectations of ourselves of those of our patient or family member.  These fears and the ensuing guilt can steal our joy.  They can turn our caregiving into a burden and render us incapable of doing what we most want to do, provide good care to the other person.
 

​Fortunately, we can deal with these choices because they are, in fact, choices we make.  If we use all the information available to us and stay focused on what is truly important, we can avoid wandering into that dark valley.  This happens when we stay present to ourselves and the world around us.
 
Staying present simply means “keeping it real.” 

• Listen through the noise!  There are all kinds of voices shouting at us.  Some come from within ourselves and others are from those around us.  Do not let the noise determine your thinking.  Listen to the facts.  Let the reality of what you know and what you can do guide your thinking.  Avoid overthinking the patient’s needs and respond appropriately.  Filter out the noise and listen to reality.  
• Feel through the weariness!  We often become numb to our weariness.  We discount our being worn out because it can be terribly inconvenient to someone with great responsibilities.  But, we need to be able to feel our weariness and acknowledge the toll it is taking on ourselves and the care we are providing.  When we are tired it is much easier to skip a few steps just to get the job done.  Weariness keeps us from being able to pay attention to the weakness in our wrists or pain in our back.  Choose to feel your weariness and respond accordingly.
• Observe with clean lenses!  How often do you stop and clean your glasses?  If you are like me, it is only when I become aware that they are dirty.  Usually, Marlene notices that they are dirty long before I do and then they get cleaned.  These mental choices are not made in an instant.  They are made incrementally and over time.  We cannot see the changes because they happen slowly.  We grow used to each small change.   But somewhere along the way either we, a friend or family member, or the one we are caring for will notice the changes.   At that point we need to “clean the glasses.”  Take a look at what is happening and get the facts.  A good friend or professional can help you.  But we must choose to get rid of the schmutz if we are to see ourselves more clearly.

 
Self-care of the caregiver’s mind is vital.  By staying present to ourselves and the world around us we can continue to find joy and purpose in our caregiving.  We can continue to sing the old song “He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother…” for as long as we are needed.
 

Self-Deception
 
Signs of Self-Deception
 
Being Present to Ourselves