Being SoulStuck is a common experience for most folks.  While is does not happen every day, most of us get SoulStuck from time to time.  SoulStuck meanings we are trapped in orbit around unhealthy emotions, or boredom/apathy.  (We can become SoulStuck in positive emotions as well, but I will deal with this at a later time.)

We feel a lingering sense of anger, disappointment, or shame bubbling up throughout the day. It may have triggered by something we said or did.  It may have begun in the thoughtless word or action of a friend or stranger.  It can linger on the edges of our day-to-day thoughts for a week or more.  It may leave a sour taste in our lives and we cannot get past it.

We may wake up in the morning with a sense of futility.  The world has lost its flavor and we feel we are just going through the motions.  We are bored with the “same old, same old.”  We just do not really care how things turn out.  All we want is to get through it with as little pain or drama as possible. 

In these instances, our soul is no longer growing.  It is suffocating in the stale air of yesterday, and living a passionless existence.  We feel stuck! 

However, a soul that is free soars and swoops like birds over a beach.  The FreeSoul feels what is feels and then moves on.  It may linger for a time to allow the mind to learn what is needs to learn, but then it moves on.  The FreeSoul is mindful of the moment and draws all that it needs from the present.  In tears, the soul draws healing.  In laughter, the soul draws delight.  In deep connection with another, the soul draws empathy and comfort.  The FreeSoul does not find itself trapped and unable to move forward.  It grows through today while gently holding the memories and insights of yesterday.  It does not allow the fears of tomorrow to steal the joy from today. 

Being SoulStuck can lead to the death of the inner life.  It can destroy our capacity for love and trust, joy, and hope.  When we allow our SoulStuckness to go on and on, we risk losing ourselves in regrets over yesterday and fears over tomorrow.  We lose the vitality of living that comes from feeling our feelings, growing through them, and moving on.  

The tip for dealing with being SoulStuck is the practice of daily mindfulness.

There is a great deal written about mindfulness.  It grows out of the centuries old teaching of Buddhism that speaks of the importance of staying connected to ourselves and the world around us.  I see daily mindfulness as a way of by escaping the orbit of emotions surrounding Yesterday and Tomorrow by rediscovering Today.  

Find the words(s) to capture the emotion.  In naming something we exert a sense of understanding and control over the meaning of a particular feeling.  Try and find the right word by describing your inner experience.  Try and capture the shades of meaning in your emotional experience.  Mad, sad, glad, and scared are not enough.  How mad?  How sad?  Are you overjoyed or mildly amused? 

Next, feel the energy the emotion offers.  Emotions create the power we need to act.  Capture that energy and allow it to motivate you to learn from and grow through your experience.

Then, redirect that energy to draw meaning from the moment.  Allow that energy to help you muster the courage to accept your learning.  It may help you accept responsibility and move toward asking forgiveness.  It may give you the strength you need to change a long-held belief.  It may give you the power you need to gently confront the person or situation that led to your anger or fear.

Finally, surround that moment with a new story to capture it’s meaning.  Allow yourself to write a new page in your mental diary that will allow you to hold on to what you have learned.  Allow that negative feeling to become the catalyst for growing into a new way of living and being.

Daily Mindfulness is a valuable tool for living with the SoulStuckness in our lives.

Stuck in Negative Emotions

Releasing a Stuck Soul

Everyday Mindfulness

I have a bit of a reputation for pondering.  This is a practice I started several years ago where I simply allow my mind to drift over a question or concern and then pay attention to what pops up.  Pondering allows me the time and energy to sift and sort through possibilities, conundrums, and consequences before committing to a course of action.  (BTW, I generally allow naps to break in from time to time, as well.  Pondering can be quite draining.  ;<) ) 

I started intentionally pondering when I discovered that my mind had grown too small.  The small mind mimics the binary processing of the computer program. It sees things like a computer; yes-no, either-or.  Fr. Richard Rohr calls this Dualistic Thinking which is characteristic of the small mind.  In popular usage, the small mind is characterized by rigid opinions and a narrow outlook or perspective.  The small mind is all-or-nothing thinking, categorizing and controlling the process and the outcome.  It consists of a vast array of assumptions that are like the walls of a long tube.  They keep us from seeing anything other than other end, and only a limited piece of that.

The problem is that the small mind cannot deal with the new, the unknown, or the truly grand.  It cannot embrace and be held captive by mystery.  It seeks to resolve confusion, eliminate uncertainty, and make things simple.  Being small-minded can be quite handy when we are trying to conquer new worlds, “build a better mousetrap,” or influence others to buy our product or vote for our candidate.  The only real problem with the small mind is that it pretends to be true but can never live up to being truth.  It is what Jon Stewart called “truthiness.”

The small mind can serve us well in the day-to-day world if we see it for what it is.  When it comes to the larger concerns of value and meaning in our lives, it will always disappoint us.  It cannot give us the satisfaction, joy, fulfillment, and love that we truly crave in our lives.  It will leave us wanting more and more.  It is like eating nothing but candy and suffering malnutrition as a result, and then believing that we are fine because our stomach is full.  The small mind always promises us more than it can deliver and then hides the truth from us as we become even more enslaved to it. 

If your mind has become too small, then I invite you to read on and discover the power of pondering (and naps.)

When pondering, we are essentially laying aside the tube that limits us to dualisms.  It begins by simply admitting that there may be more to a concern or question than we can know.  It is a daring to see the world on a far grander scale than we ordinarily would.

First, identify a particular question or concern that has been occupying your mind for some time.  Try and state it as simply and precisely as possible.

Then simply sit with it.  Allow it to bubble around in your mind and soul with the following assumptions.

1.     People and problems are more complicated than they seem.

2.     There are always more choices than we can name.

3.     Statements that begin with “Always” and “Never” are seldom true.

4.     It is okay if I never resolve this.

5.     I have all the time I need to ponder.

6.     If I set it aside for a time, it will come back if it is truly important. If not, it was probably not all that important.

7.     I can share my thoughts with my friends.  I can seek their opinions.  But this is my journey.

Naps are encouraged when the thoughts get locked in a repeating loop.  Rest will bring a new perspective and renewed energy.

Lastly, how do we know when we are done pondering?  We are likely never “done” but we can stop for a while when our mind and soul find agreement on the outcome.  But we are always ready to begin again when the resolution breaks down and we are faced with a new opportunity to ponder.

Good pondering!

Rohr on The Small Mind

Beyond Assumptions

Non-Dual Perception

After 6+ decades of health and beauty ads, fashion dolls, health club memberships, and a growing life expectancy, we have all learned that we should be ashamed of our bodies.  Women and men, boys and girls have been convinced that their bodies just do not measure up.  We have coined a term for this, body shaming.

We have become uncomfortable in our body and this has led to eating disorders, unnecessary plastic surgery, depression, and even suicide. Body shaming has become part of our everyday language.  We compliment women on their looks.  We appeal to vanity and sex-appeal to sell everything from dog food to real estate.  The young, the middle aged, and older people are vulnerable because of our culture’s obsession with having the body of a twenty-year-old that 99% of twenty year olds do not even have.  The use of Photoshop to enhance a picture to look like Barbie and Ken only reinforces how ashamed we should be of our bodies. 

The fact is that we are all living in “imperfect” bodies.  The perfect images we are fed are intended to drain our bank accounts.  And, when we allow the “imperfections” to taint our body image, we will do whatever we can to feel better about ourselves which usually involve spending a great deal of money.  And in the end, we will still be “imperfect’ and broke!

But there is a better way.  We can evolve a more realistic and positive body image.  We can learn to see our “imperfections” as part of what makes us unique.  We can accept the changes that come with age as signs of survival rather than the “ravages of time.”  We can look at others and acknowledge their uniqueness without comparing them to ourselves. 

This doesn’t make sense.  But it happens because this is more a matter of the will than the mind. Body shaming is an emotional response to a selective set of perceptions and thoughts.  To evolve a better body image will require a changing of the will.  Then we will help the mind re-select more appropriate thoughts that, in turn, will change our perceptions of ourselves and others.

The tip for today is intended to help us begin that change of will, to give ourselves a break from the critical voices that constantly point out our “imperfections?”  I encourage you to begin this journey toward evolving a healthier body image and discover just how unique you really are.

Each time you bathe or take a shower, take a few moments to intentionally acknowledge each of your body parts.

As you feel the warm water, name them with gratitude.  Acknowledge something that this body part does for you.  “I am grateful for my nose because with it, I can smell the roses.”  “I am grateful for my stomach, it helps me feed my body and soul.”

As you move from one body part to the next, continue to affirm what that body part does to bring you joy into your life.  If a negative idea intrudes, label it as negative and let the water wash it down the drain. 

While you dry yourself, gently remind yourself that your body is a gift that only you can cherish and protect.  Acknowledge that is may not be “perfect”, but it is yours to enjoy for a lifetime.  Allow your body image to evolve from shame to gratitude. 

Understanding Body Shaming

Body Shaming

Feeling Comfortable in Your Skin


 

Being occasionally uncomfortable with ourselves is part of who we are.  Most of us have come to terms with ourselves.  But, we may still have moments when we are disappointed or frustrated with ourselves. 

Do you remember when you were a teenager and spent a good part of your life in front of a mirror?  This was valuable time for us.  We were getting to know the person we were becoming.  So much was changing.  We were living in a stranger’s body, with a stranger’s thoughts and feelings.  We needed to get to know this person.  The only reference points we had were our friends and so we would compare our body, mind, and soul to what we saw in them!  And too often, we would come up lacking.  Others were better looking, had it “all together”, and had the perfect life. 

Time and maturity helped most of us discover that different is not bad, others were just as confused as we were, and no one has the perfect life.  This came about because we got to know ourselves and began to see ourselves in others.  Others had the same problems we had.  We came to accept ourselves as we are.  This is called humility.  Humility grows out of the Greek Word humus or earth.  We are dirt, no more and no less.  When we come to terms with our “dirtness” and see that others are just as “dirtly” we begin to accept who we are.  No more, no less.

However, just because we may no longer qualify as a teenager, we will still have our moments.  Jealousy, self-shaming, disappointment in ourselves, long-term guilt, and being angry with the changes that come with age are all echoes of the hours we spent in front of a mirror those many years ago.  For the next few weeks we will be exploring ways to be more accepting of ourselves just as we are.  No more, no less.  We will explore humility, being comfortable in our own skin. 

The tip this week is quite simple. 

In the next week, be very intentional about the following.

1.      Listen to other’s stories, especially when you have the urge to jump in with your own story.

2.     Compliment others and resist the urge to correct them or shame them.

3.     Ask questions and then listen to the answer without formulating your own response while the other is talking.

These exercises will help us connect with other people and discover that they may be struggling with the very same discomfort “in their skin” as we are.  We will discover that in some ways we are better while in other ways, others may have it easier.  Remember, the goal is humility, accepting ourselves as we are.  No more and no less.

How Humble Are You?

Being Comfortable with Ourselves

Lifehack: Humility

Benefits of Humility