​Do you have moments when life does not seem to make any sense?   Logic does not seem to apply.  Or, we can see that both sides of a disagreement could be valid.  Or, the only solution that should make sense is obviously wrong?  If you have never experienced any of these, then count yourself fortunate.  You must have everything figured out.  But if you are like the rest of us mere mortals, having our mind stuck on a particularly thorny problem is not all that uncommon.
 
Mental stuckness is generally dealt with by just not thinking about it, if possible.  If unavoidable, we will simply choose the answer that seems most likely and move on recognizing that we can only see through the mirror dimly.  By the way, this is called faith.  And many folks believe it is a final solution to mental stuckness.  Many will say, “Forget the distractions that do not make sense.  Trust me!  This is true.”  Faith is a good thing.  It helps us to get by but it is not the final note in the symphony.  Even Paul said “For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then we will see face to face. Now I know only in part; then I will know fully, even as I have been fully known.”  (1 Cor. 13:12)  Faith is an interim understanding not a final resting place of truth.  We cannot become unstuck by making a faith claim.  We will only become prisoners of our stuckness.
 
Mental stuckness is a gift.  It invites us to recognize our limitations and push further in our search for insight and understanding.  The great discoveries in science and the humanities began with someone became mentally stuck.  Why do objects fall down and not up?  Why do bad things happen to good people?  Why is one object beautiful and another ugly?  Each of these moments of stuckness ushered in a new age of human insight and understanding that continues today. 
 
Generally, we become mentally stuck for one of three reason.  We may simply be ignorant.  Ignorance is simply a lack of relevant information.  It does not imply that we are incapable of learning.  That would be stupidity.  In fact, it suggests that we are capable of acquiring the knowledge we need to resolve the problem.  Ignorance can be fixed with education.
 
A second cause of stuckness is the Non Sequitur.  Things that do not seem to follow as we believe they should.  This is often the result of faulty thinking.  We may have reversed the rules of logic of missed a step in the process of coming to an answer.  Once again, we can move beyond the non sequitur by education, disciplining the mind to work through the problem in a meaningful way.
 
The third reason for mental stuckness is far more difficult to resolve.  It is called Cognitive Dissonance.  This occurs when we encounter two things that appear to be true but seem to negate one another.  This is not simply a lack of information or familiarity with the process that leads to resolution.  It grows out of something far more complex, our faith claims mentioned above.  We have decided that something is true.  Eventually, we will encounter the opposite that we had set aside in order to make our faith claim.  This creates a deep dissonance in our mind.  We can either reassert our faith and suppress the dissonance but it will return.  But there is a better way.
 
We can love the truth enough to acknowledge that both may be true and allow them to teach us what they have to offer.  This is not resolving the paradox.  It is learning through it.  It can open our minds to new knowledge and lead us to discover new ways to work through our problems.  More importantly, it came tame the soul’s bent toward hubris by reminding us that we do, in fact, only see in the mirror dimly, even when we are at our most insightful.  We do not need to defend our beliefs to the death because we could be wrong and we have much to learn and discover.  In Paul’s words, “Faith, hope, and love abide.  And the greatest of these is love.”  This includes a love for truth that overrides our need to be right.

​How do we Receive the gift of the paradox?
 
Explore the truth as well as the false in both statements. Both sides of the paradoxical statements hold ideas that appear true as well as ideas that seem false.  Let all of them speak to you.
 
By greater insight into both sides of the paradox, the middle will begin to appear.  In those gray areas a new path exists just beneath the surface of your awareness.  This may not reveal a resolution, but it will offer one or more directions for exploration.  It will show you that there are new things to learn and assumptions to test.  It will point you forward and you will discover that you are no longer stuck!
 
 But most of all, the paradox will help you discover a deeper appreciation for the dissonance.  Just as music is a scripted performance of harmony and dissonance, sound and silence, a paradox will allow you to accept that there is a script for our mental journey.  Our minds enjoy moments of insight and moments of confusion, moments of great activity and moments of stillness.  These are signs that the symphony is still playing and the final resolution has not yet come.  Celebrate the music of the mind as you grow toward that final chord!

When Mentally Stuck
 
Classic Paradoxes
 
A Few More Classic Paradoxes
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​Body stuckness is not uncommon and can be very frustrating.  It includes hitting a plateau in weight loss when the pounds refuse to go away any longer.  It means a long-term bout of insomnia that may stretch into weeks or months.  It could be an inability to stop smoking or some other bad habit.  Body Stuckness is essentially a situation where we cannot do what we physically want to do but believe we are capable of doing. 
 
There are at least three situations that create physical stuckness.
 
Stuckness of the body due to addiction.  When our body builds up a physical or psychological dependence on something that we do not want to do.  This includes not only alcohol and other types of drugs but also other, normally less destructive behaviors such as video games or sex.  We become stuck when we identify the behavior as destructive (or disruptive) to our lives but we are unable to change our behavior.  In short, we become aware that we are caught in a loop of behavior that is against our self-interest through addiction.
 
Stuckness of the body due to “firm-mindedness.  This stuckness happens when there is no real physical or psychological addiction.  W know we could and should change but would rather not because it would be too much trouble.  We can’t be bothered.  My mother called it “firm-mindedness.”  I would call it being stubborn or lazy.
 
Stuckness of the body due to unacknowledged physical limitations.  This is a particularly tricky type of body stuckness.  We realize that we are stuck and not moving forward like we desire but we have no idea why.  We are not only frustrated by being stuck, we are angry because we cannot see a clear path ahead.  We may flail about trying this or that, but end up right back where we started.  Generally, there is an underlying physical limitation that we have either buried or never considered.  If I had a deep desire to ride a Triple Crown winner, I would likely find myself being stuck on a plow horse due to my generous girth.  A runner without the legs to compete would be stuck in the stands. 
 
I do not want to suggest that physical stuckness is a great tragedy.  In fact, it can be a great gift if it is used to help us to get a clearer understanding of ourselves.  Body stuckness is a sign that there is something more going on than weight, sleep, or bad habits.  By accepting our stuckness as a part of the tapestry of our life we can become better acquainted with the one person who will be with us until our last breath. 

​A Little self-assessment

• What behaviors do you want to change?
• How do these things fit in to your daily routine? 
• What benefits do you get from them? 
• How might you better meet these needs? 
• Count the costs and visualize them in real terms.  Let go of shame and all the other feelings and focus on real world actions and results. 
• Find someone to help you unpack and let go of the things that hold you back

 
Become a student of your daily life and, in time, you will become more and more comfortable in your own skin.

10 Bad Habits and How to Break Them
 
Addictions
 
Am I Stubborn?

​Do you remember the feeling? 
 
The assignment is due first thing in the morning.  You have got every problem worked out but one.  But the more you look at it the less sense it makes?
 
You have tried every diet you have ever seen and you have not lost any real weight.
 
You have done your best getting to know your co-worker.  You have shared coffee, lunch, and even a quick drink after work.  You have listened and honestly shared.  You know the success of the project depends on working with this person.  But you still cringe every time they walk into your office.
 
These are just three not uncommon examples of stuckness.  Being stuck means we are at our wits end on how to move ahead.  No matter what we do, nothing changes for the good.  We may be in despair but we can see it coming on the next truck.  Being stuck is a bundle of feelings and experiences that hits everybody from time to time.
 
Stuckness has a lot in common with its root verb, stick, i.e. stick like glue.  This verb talks about adhering to something, being unyielding in attaching to someone or something.  Sticking to something implies that we are sticking to something intentionally.  But being stuck has a whole different feel.  We are adhering to or being adhered to involuntarily.  Stuckness means we are trapped, incapable of freeing our self from a situation.  It happens more often than we may be aware.
 
We do not have to recognize that we are stuck in order to be stuck.  There are situations that creep up on us in such a way that we simply accept it as “the way things are.”  We may not enjoy them but changing them would be more difficult than accommodating to and living with the stuckness.  It may be a marriage that is held together by convenience rather than love.  It could be a job that pays the bills but it no longer makes our heart sing.  It.  It may be the result of being told we would never be able to sing as a child and 50 years later we have given up even singing in the shower.  Stuckness is far more common than most of us recognize or are willing to accept.
 
Stuckness challenges our sense of autonomy, the freedom to act for ourselves.  It suggests that we are bound by circumstances beyond our control.  It may create a uncomfortable sense of dependency on others or foster a feeling of vulnerability.  It may even erode our natural optimism and hope about our future.  Stuckness comes to us and may become permanent residents of our internal conversation within ourselves and the world around us.
 
How do we know we are stuck?  It is often self-evident when we feel frustrated or challenged with the circumstances in our life.  But it can reveal itself when we find ourselves in the “Same old, Same old” where very little changes and we are accepting even if we half-heartedly resist it from time to time.
 
Over the next few weeks I will be exploring ways that we can take care of ourselves when we find ourselves stuck in a slow moving eddy when we would rather be challenging the rapids.  I look forward to this journey with you.

The First Aid for stuckness when you first become aware of it is to breathe.  Re-center, re-focus, and re-new.  Give yourself time to step back and rediscover who and where you are, freed from the urgency or lack of clarity.  Step back and breathe.

If you need a little reminder to help you focus, I offer you this gift.  Print it out or save it to your phone.   it will help you relax and Breathe.  Download the picture.

Signs or Stuckness
 
Why do we stay stuck?
 
A Breath Meditation for Clarity and Relaxation

​This week I will conclude the series on dealing with headwinds in life.  One of those inconvenient facts or life is that headwinds happen.  We cannot control their presence or intensity.  We have limited control over how they affect our hopes, plans, and dream.  They simply blow where they will and we have to find a way to live with them.  They are not unlike the inevitable, unwelcome guest.  When they show up we have some decisions to make.  We must decide how we will deal with and make room for them.   They are coming whether we like it or not.
 
The headwinds will change our lives.  In the short-term they will make our lives more difficult.  We may have some longer term impact but we cannot know what it will be.  They may make us angry, anxious, vulnerable, or overwhelmed.  What can we do to make their time with us endurable?
 
Too often we see ourselves as their victim as soon as we see them coming,.  We are convinced that they are out to do us harm and we cannot stop them.  When they arrive at our door these feelings grow in intensity.  Our relationship to them is poisoned from the start.  We can become their victim before we open the door.   
 
The word “victim” has an interesting origin.  It originally referred to a creature that was killed as a religious sacrifice.  To be a victim was to be a sacrifice, one who suffered unjustly for others.  Seeing ourselves as victims of our headwinds allows us to console ourselves with martyrdom.  We didn’t deserve it but we endured it.  A victim goes headlong into the coming storm and simply hopes to survive.  It seems to me that when we see ourselves as victims of the headwinds we have already determined their impact on our lives. 
 
I began looking for another metaphor.  At first I thought I would go with the opposite of victim.  I found two words that serve as opposites of victim, perpetrator and survivor.  Neither of these seemed to capture a healthy way to deal with headwinds.  A survivor is one who has endured and come out on top by beating the odds.  A perpetrator is often a victim who has gained the upper hand and commits the same violence they endured themselves.  The second is just wrong.  The former tends to continue to identify themselves as perpetual surviving victims.  And so I searched farther afield and returned to an old metaphor that continues to speak, the sailor.
 
The sailor knows how real the headwinds are and does not discount their power.  The sailor adjusts their sails to use the headwinds to get to where they want to go, though it may not be the most direct route.  But sometimes, the sailor knows they have to hunker down and wait the headwinds out.  We need to let go of the idea that we are victims of life.  We are sailors on the sea of life.   We can and should accept responsibility for our own trip in our own little boat.
 
Self-care offers us tips on the “how” of sailing, but knowledge is useless without the resolve to unfurl the sails, set the keel board, and take hold of the tiller.  The sailor learns from every trip.  The sailor makes mistakes and struggles to learn from them.  The sailor endures by acknowledging the headwinds, making room in their life for them (when possible), and then sailing on.  They celebrate the small victories but do not lose heart in their defeats.
 
Do not allow the headwinds to embitter you or turn you into a perpetrator?  Do not allow them to fill your soul with a permanent self-concept of victimhood.  Both are breeding grounds for a hubris that looks down on others who are struggling with the same headwinds.  
 
Humbly acknowledge the reality that $&^% happens, even to you.  Do your best to deal with it, using it to learn or achieve your hopes, if possible.   If not, do your best to limit the damage it may do to you and those around you (hunkering down.)  And lastly, when the headwinds have blown through, move on.  You have a life ahead of you and when the winds die down you are still responsible for your own little boat.
 
Good sailing!

Learnings from Victims of Crime
 
More Than a Survivor
 
The Courage to Move On
 

​Have you ever caught a case of the “Don’t wannas!” or the “Ain’t gonnas!”?  These are often signs that we are struggling against the headwinds in the soul.  The day ahead feels futile.  We feel empty and weak.  There is no joy or hope energizing our will.  We look ahead and mutter, “Don’t wanna and ain’t gonna!”
 
This is the Power of Awful!  This is not simply a lack of positivity.  It is a soul starved for hope.  When looking at a challenge all it sees are hardships and risks.  When facing a long climb up a rocky trail all it can think about are the boulders and sheer drops.  “Awful” absorbs our energy and prepares us for failure.  It allows us to avoid the day in the shade of the words, “What do you expect?  The odds are against me.  I never would have succeeded!”   “Awful” has the power to steal away our will and comfort us in our expected failure.
 
Unfortunately, “Ain’t it Awful!” is also very contagious.  I remember when I was a boy sitting with Dad and his brothers.  They would infect each other with “Ain’t it awful” while playing dominos.  An Uncle might say, “It was a bad week.  I nearly got fired when the truck broke down.”  Another Uncle would then interrupt by saying, “You think that’s bad, I had a flat on the highway and found out the spare had nail in it!”  Then a third brother would speak up by announcing that he broke the axle on his trailer while taking the hogs to market.  Round after rounds of “ain’t it awful” would be played until all greed that the best sob story had been told.  The last speaker was the winner.  But they were all infected.
 
There are days when our energy is low and the soul’s headwinds are blowing hard.  There are moments when failure seem imminent and the air is sucked out of our soul.  If we have been infected with “Ain’t it awful” then we will give out, give in, and give up.  Success is no longer an option and we want to save whatever dignity we can from the defeat.  “What could you expect.  It was a lost cause!”
 
But there is an antidote for “Ain’t it awful.”  And it is as easy as adding a couple letters to the phrase.  “Ain’t it awe-full!”
 
Awe is an essential element to the healthy soul.  It reminds us we are not alone in the world.  There is something greater than ourselves that restores our souls and offers us hope.  To be in awe is to experience the something that is beyond our creating.  It awakens the possibilities in our path and helps us see beyond the sheer drops and boulders.  It allows hope to begin to break through and burn off the fog of despair.  It is impossible to feel awful when we are filled with awe!

TIPS

How do we deal with the power of awful?
 
The preventative is to develop a daily practice of gratitude.  Gratitude fills our sails and gives us the energy we need to withstand the headwinds.  It reminds us that we are not alone and that there is more about our situation than we may be able to see in the present fog.
 
A daily practice of gratitude may include a journal of moments when you are grateful.  It can be gratitude for something small or something more significant.  It happens when we look for the little gifts we receive from our day.  Be open to the good things that come your way that are welcomed but not expected, received but not sought after.  Each of us are the beneficiaries of small gifts throughout the day if our eyes and soul are open to them.
 
Another way to foster gratitude is by remembering people and events that have made your life better.  Look through an old picture album.  Talk with a relative who remembers you as far back as possible.  Listen for the voices of your family and friends as they speak in your mind.  Gratitude will grow best when the ground has been prepared by a lifetime of grateful memories.
 
A third method is to “Kiss an angel good morning!”   This is the title to an old C&W song.  Charley Pride reminds us to find the angel in our life and let them know how important they are to us.  We are not alone.  Our angel may be our spouse, a good friend, a loyal co-worker, or a treasured mentor.  The “kiss” is simply making contact with them and being reminded that we are not alone in this day.  It could be a kiss (if appropriate) or a quick text/email.  Such reminders help us to remember and appreciate the people who are gifts to our day.
 
However, what do we do when “awful” strikes suddenly.  We need a moment of awe to open our day. 
 
First, put yourself in the path of a miracle – look for the sunrise,  Spend time with a flower  Watch a bird feed its chicks.  Savor a favorite meal.  Listen to some good music.  Allow yourself to awaken the world beyond your own struggles.  Take a walk in the park or stroll through a museum.  Take a few minutes to listen to some favored music.  Allow awe to happen.
 
A second way to face the headwinds is to share your gratitude – It is also contagious!  Think of a small or large “gift” you may have received and tell someone thank you.  This could be a prayer of thanksgiving or a brief thank you note to a friend or co-worker.  Gratitude has a way of echoing in our lives.  It evokes gratitude in others and reinforces the gratitude in ourselves,
 
Neither of these will likely make the challenge you face any easier.  But is will help you find the energy you need to deal with it.  If you suffer a set-back it will be easier to accept and allow you to go to sleep ready to face it again without having to succumb to the headwinds.
 
I closing I share with you some words from a Missouri farmer.  I met him at the end of a long day.  He was dressed in his coveralls and had just climbed out of his pickup.  By way of greeting I asked, “Well, are you done?”  He looked at me with a smile and said, “I’m a farmer.  I’m never done.  I just quit for the night and get back at it in the morning.”  Such is the power of the most hopeful people I know, farmers.  They face the headwinds of “awful” every day but find their hope in the awe of the miracle of each new crop.  “Ain’t life awe-full!”

“Why IS My Life So Hard?”
 
“You think you have it bad…
 
Daily Gratitude
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