​For the next few weeks I will be exploring the possibilities for self-care when we are feeling disconnected from our friends, our family, our lives, and ourselves.  Life is good when everything is connected and working well.  Even when we bump into problems, we know that we are connected to a full range of help.  We have friends or family we can call.  We have tools for coping at the ready.  We are confident in our skills for getting through the challenges.
 
What happens when we become disconnected from any of these resources?  Even when there are no challenges, we may feel a little vulnerable.  Our internal conversation changes.  We may start playing a lot of “What if…” with our life.  “What if the car breaks down while my partner is out of town?”  “What if that big account comes in before I am up to speed?”  We may start overthinking and grow anxious.  At best, we “Make do” hoping no one finds out about how unprepared we are.
 
When a challenged we may go into a tailspin.  This is the Disconnection Cascade.  We become frustrated because we cannot bring the best of ourselves to the task at hand.  This can lead to anger at those who have “failed” us.  This, in turn, creates a sense of disconnection and isolation.  In a worst case, we blame ourselves and turn our anger inward.  Anger turned inward is depression.  We may give up entirely and become apathetic to ourselves and our lives.  A feeling of disconnection can cascade all the way down into a deep hole of depression.
 
This cascade results from the feelings of disconnection rather than the actual disconnections themselves.  Losing a friend or not having a skill does not inevitably lead to the cascade.  But unmanaged feelings of disconnection can often start the cascade.  How deeply the cascade descends depends, in large part, on how well we care for ourselves in the early stages.  Therefore, it’s very important that we learn ways to deal with those feelings of disconnection before they become anger or depression.
 
So, for the next three weeks we will explore how to stay connected to our lives, Body-Mind-Soul?

​Throughout the human experience, people who have experienced a disconnection with their lives have turned to their religious resources.  The word “religion” comes from the Latin word “ligare” or binding.  Religion seeks to re-bind us to our God, our world, and ourselves.   These are the proverbial “Ties that Bind.”   Most people find their re-binding in traditional religious communities where they participate in sacred rituals and attend to the sacred teachings of their community.  Others experience this re-binding in association with other people of like mind or spirit, apart from a traditional religious community.  (Some believe that they are able to do this in isolation from any community.  I suspect that such “lone wolves” have not yet discovered the community that surrounds and supports their religious life.)
 
When we are feeling disconnected, it is important that we find our sacred ground of life.  This is a place where we must take off our shoes and expose ourselves to the very vibrations of life.  This is not unlike the spider that listens to the web through its feet.  When one strand vibrates, the spider senses and responds.  Our web of life vibrates with life.  
 
I encourage you to find that holy ground in your life, whether it is a traditional community of faith or a group of like-minded people.  If you do not have such a group, explore your world for the ground that trembles with the mystery of living.  Once there, take off your shoes and spend some time experiencing life.  You will find others who respond as you do.  You will find yourself re-connected to life in meaningful and lasting ways.

Feeling Disconnected?
 
Finding your Faith
 
Choosing Your Religion

​Do you remember when you got your Driver’s License?  For me, that was a day of liberation.  I felt that I have taken a major step toward being a grown-up.  I felt that I had arrived when my Mom allowed me to buy a car.  I was 16 years old and had the whole world at my feet.  All I needed was a little gasoline (at $.29 a gallon) and a map.  I could go anywhere at any time.  And then came the lessons in responsibility!  I will not bore you with the details but we all had to learn to drive responsibly.
 
The same needs to be said about tiger riding.  You see, tiger riding can be intoxicating!  It is a form of stress addiction.  We like the feel of dopamine flowing through our system.  That is why it is called the “feel good” chemical.  When we are riding the tiger, we congratulate ourselves on handling “adult responsibilities” and ignoring the damage we may be doing to our body, mind, and soul.  In extreme addictions, we may even invent tigers to ride just to get the legal rush of chemicals along with the ego boost.  And, if we fall off, we can bandage our bruised ego by saying, “I gave it my best.  I tried.”  Indeed, tiger riding can be very, very intoxicating and dangerous.
 
This is precisely why we need to be responsible in our tiger riding.  Using the new driver example, we need to recognize that we have control over the car/tiger and that bad driving will have negative consequences.  We need to discipline our driving/riding so that we can choose how well we drive.  If you drive/ride a crowded freeway you have likely encountered people do not drive responsibly.  They take unnecessary risks that endanger themselves and others.  They do not have a reasonable discipline over their emotions or their driving skills.  They ignore the rules and complain about those who do. 
 
When we are addicted to the ride, we ignore the reasonable consequences of our actions.  We allow the ride to dictate how we respond to situations.  We may not even be aware of the dangers we are facing.  All we know is that we are on a tiger and, if we were honest, enjoying it! We are driven by our need to stay on that Tiger at all costs.  Note: we are driven by, rather than driving our tiger!
 
For most teenagers, it will take an accident or two to get their attention.  Grown-ups also have to have an accident or two while tiger riding before we start accepting responsibility. A mild heart attack, the loss of a job we really liked, or the loss of a significant relationship can get our attention.  Sometimes we learn and sometimes we don’t.  And sometimes we do not have the opportunity to learn just as some teenagers never have the opportunity to grow-up.  Be responsible in riding your tigers.

​For me, responsible has an alternate spelling that can prove helpful, response-able.  When you find yourself feeling overwhelmed by too many tasks and too little time, be honest with yourself.  Did you create this or did this happen beyond your control? 
 
Not having the ability to say “No” to requests can put us on the back of a tiger.  Not being aware of our limits or boundaries will also land us on a galloping tiger.  Being more concerned with how others think about us than about our own health and well-being is an express lane to a tiger ride.  If boredom during downtime leads you to filling up the hole in your day with projects, you have just climbed on the back of the tiger.  In each of these situations, you have the power to choose.  You are able to respond.  You are response-able.  But only if you ride responsibly!
 
I encourage you to acknowledge your power over the tiger.  I will close this series on self-care while riding the tiger with the words of Yoda.  When it comes to accepting responsibility for our rides “Do or do not.  There is no try.”

Are You Addicted to Stress?
 
Addicted to Stress?  Try Emotions Anonymous
 
Link to my book Journey of a Lifetime

​I recently bought a bicycle to use while camping.  As I put the bike together, I had visions of cruising the trails of some of my favorite campgrounds.  I could feel the wind in my face as I navigated the narrow paths and the sounds of leaves crunching under the tires mixed with the songs of birds in the trees.  When the bike was ready, I took it out on the driveway and tried it out.  Let’s just say there was no wind, crunching leaves, or singing birds.  I did feel hard concrete on my hand, a strange pop in my back, and a bit of a scream from the mouth of someone who has not ridden a bike in 20 years.  Remember the old saying, “It’s like riding a bike…”  If you want to test this adage, let me suggest a helmet, knee pads, and a back brace! Training wheels should get some consideration as well.
 
This experience reminded me that riding a bike takes concentration.  And when we are just starting, all our concentration is on one goal!  “Don’t fall over!”  We correct and over correct with the handlebars.  We forget to keep moving the pedals.  We hit the brakes too quickly.  We are consumed with surviving that first ride.
 
Riding the Tiger feels a lot like that bike ride.  We are a soul consumed with survival.  There is no way to enjoy the ride when we are focused on surviving.  Joy and hope evaporate, especially when we are riding a tiger we have never met.   We are so totally focused on not falling off that we cannot find our balance and relax into the ride.  Our soul flashes warning signs and our attention remains riveted by the dangers that surround us.  These moments are crying out for a little self-care to help us move from surviving to thriving.

The usual way of dealing with any type of stress is meditation.  It allows us to re-center our attention on being present to and mindful of the moment.  Likewise, the ultimate way to deal with a tiger ride is meditation.  However, most meditation techniques require stillness and quiet which may not be possible when the tiger is leaping over downed logs.
 
So today, I offer you Meditation in Motion.  This is also known as the ancient Buddhist practice of mindfulness.  These are the four principles of mindfulness that apply to tiger riding.
 
Mindfulness of Body – Pay attention to and be mindful of your breath and position.  Allow your breathing to slow and your position to relax into the seat.  Allow yourself to feel the ride and stay with the motion of the tiger.
 
Mindfulness of Feelings/Sensations – Pay attention to and be mindful of sensations and emotions, especially tension and fear.  Remember that over-steering when on the bike?  When our arms were tense and our soul was afraid, we made fast, abrupt changes in steering which inevitably led to skinned knees and bruised egos.  The same is true when riding the tiger.  Our judgment is impaired and our ability to respond is compromised.  Be mindful of the tension and let it go.  Be mindful of the fear and do not give it free rein in your soul
 
Mindfulness of Mind – Pay attention to and be mindful of your mental state.  Anxiety and trust cannot coexist.  You cannot trust yourself or anything else when you are anxious about what might happen.  Be aware of your anxiety and recognize that it is flowing from your inexperience.  Allow yourself to trust, knowing that you might fall off.  And, if you do, you will get right back on!
 
Mindfulness of Dharma -- Pay attention to and be mindful of the way things are.  Accept your situation.  You have chosen to be here otherwise you would have gotten off.  (Look back to last week’s Self-Care Note.)  We are part of a closely connected and interdependent existence.  There are causes and effects, results and consequences.  You may be surprised by the unforeseen or the unanticipated, but, by and large, you have what you need to ride this Tiger.  Relax into your seat.  Control your breathing.  Check the tension, fear, and anxiety at the door and enjoy the ride!
 
I will ride that bike again.  I will likely fall off again.  But, I will feel the wind on my face and listen to the leaves crunching and the birds singing.  And you can ride whatever tiger life has lined up for you.  Relax and enjoy the ride!

From Survive to Thrive
 
Relaxing into the Flow
 
Meditation in Motion

Tiger riding is a bit of an art form for many.  Like rodeo trick riders, some have so mastered crisis management and multi-tasking that they can do it while tiptoeing on the edge of chaos.  They have learned how to “fly by the seat of their pants.”
 
This phrase comes from the early days of airplanes when the instrumentation was minimal or non-existent.  An experienced pilot learned to read their plane through the seat of their pants.  For example, when a plane is making a mid-air turn, the plane may either “slip” or “skid” into the turn.  If the inside wing is too low the pilot may slip down in the seat.  If the wing is too high the pilot may skid up in the seat.  During a proper turn the pilot feels secure in the seat.  Therefore, the pilot adjusts the ailerons based what “the seat of their pants” tells them.
 
When we are able to ride a tiger by the “seat of our pants” we can rely on intuition and experience rather than our usual discernment/decision-making skills.  But it is nearly impossible to use intuition and experience when we are consumed by anxiety and stress.
 
When riding the tiger, we can reduce the anxiety by taking responsibility for our ride.  We do so by “choosing the ride” rather than feeling we are being forced into it. We change the character of the ride from something we have to do into something we want to do.  We feel a greater sense of control over our life.  This happens when we ask and answer the simple question, “Does this Tiger need to be ridden now?”  If we answer “yes” we can relax into the ride.  If we answer “no” we can give yourself permission to get off the Tiger.  Either way, we have made the choice.

​First, we need to clear our mind of all the assumptions that may be getting in the way of our choosing.  Most Tiger rides occur because we assume that some great catastrophe will occur if we do climb on.  We are afraid and that fear has filtered out any positive possible outcomes.  This is called catastrophizing.  All we can see are negative results if we get off the Tiger, so we hang on and simply try to not fall off.  So, the first step in “flying by the seat of your pants” is to set aside this assumption of catastrophic results. 
 
Second, ask yourself “What Will You Gain from this Ride?”  Often times, we feel anxious because we are trying to hit a homerun when all we need is a bunt.  Catastrophes forecast failure on an epic scale.  Our mind will give a more balanced view.  What will we gain from this ride?  Are we trying to protect the whole company from bankruptcy or simply trying to save this one account?  Are we trying to prevent a catastrophe or simply trying to achieve a smaller, achievable, and necessary objective?  As you ask this, you may even find that most of the stuff you are dealing with on the back of that Tiger is not even necessary? 
 
Third, once you have identified the reason(s) for the ride, you can now ask “Is this the time for the ride?”  The pressure to ride the Tiger rises from a sense of immediacy.  It has to be done now or else!  However, not every challenge is a crisis.  Not every need is an emergency.  Many problems need more time to sort themselves out than we are willing to allow. Therefore, it is important to ask yourself “Is this is really the time to ride this Tiger through this jungle?”  Is it possible that these things can be more effectively dealt on another day?
 
When we are operating in “crisis mode” the mind can quickly become overwhelmed with anxiety and fear.  While we cannot control our emotions, we can control the circumstances that trigger them.  By changing our mental approach to our Tiger ride from a crisis to a choice, we are able to reduce the anxiety and allow our intuition and experience to play a greater role.  We are able to relax into the ride and maybe even earn a few “style points” along the way.  Listen to the “seat of your pants,” it can help you make those turns with grace and ease.

5 Ways to Stop Catastrophizing
 
The Power of Choosing
 
Living by the Seat of your Pants