This last Self-Care Note on Dealing with Change will talk about the role that being a victim can play in our lives.  This is a very delicate and difficult topic for many.  It can also be very controversial for some.  I include this information because I believe it is essential self-care for each of us to consider.  But I encourage you to be aware of any feelings it may stir within you.  Tend to them with a trusted friend or trained “listener.”  I hope these words help you to find the happiness you deserve.

General Information –  Change and Victimhood

Before I leave our topic of Self-Care in Changing Times, I want to deal with a concern that I have hinted at in previous posts.  Who has control over our life in times of seismic change?  Are we purely victims of change over which we have no control?  Or, are we accountable and responsible for these changes that alter our lives?

I have been in dialogue with many people in the last six months.  One of the consistent themes I have heard from all sorts of people is that they feel that they are victims of the changes that surround our lives.  By claiming victimhood, they are saying that the reason for the change is outside of themselves.  They have little, if any, control over it.  All they can do is suffer and scream.  Becoming a victim is one way that we cope with feelings of powerlessness, unfairness, and anger.  After an unfortunate event, we claim victimhood to garner sympathy, gain support for our perspectives, and wrestle back some of the power we felt that we had lost.  John Gardner wrote; “Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.”

This not to say that there is no such thing as victimhood.  People are the victims of criminal acts where they are injured or killed.  People experience set-backs in their life that just happen, unforeseen and unavoidable.  People must endure the changes in life that come from natural losses like death or illness.  We are, at times, victimized.  We suffer without reason or responsibility.  But, not every unfortunate change we experience leads us into victimhood.

When we call ourselves a victim, we are claiming that we had no control over the events that led up to our suffering.  It justifies anger toward those perceived as causing our suffering.  It encourages others to look upon our suffering with sympathy and understanding.  It encourages others to stand with us against our attacker.  This is all very legitimate when we are a victim of a senseless act of violence.

Unfortunately, when we have been substantially involved in and feel guilty for something that has led to our own suffering, we may also claim victimhood to redirect blame and claim the things listed above.  If we are so ashamed that we cannot let others know that we are responsible, then we may cope with a claim of victimhood.  This is a common way that many of us deal with shame and guilt.  Unfortunately, it may work all too well.  It can extend the violence done to ourselves and prevent us from healing.  It can even become a “lifestyle choice” that inhibits us moving beyond our pain.

If we find ourselves feeling that we are a victim, filled with anger or even rage, we need to seek out a trained therapist to help us find our way.  Victimization is a very complex issue that goes far beyond anything in this article.  We will need a trained “companion” to help us unpack all that it may mean in our lives.  Our lives and happiness depend on it.

·      Listen to your inner life and ask yourself about the source of your misery and hurt. 

·      Listen to your anger and ask yourself if it is directed at any one person, group or “type” of person.

·      Sit quietly in your own solitude and take the emotional pulse of your soul.  Are you barely containing a bubbling caldron within or are there gentle waves of emotion washing upon your soul?

·      Look back and ask yourself if pain (or the fear of pain) continues to direct and redirect your daily living.  Look within and see if you can find a fear that may be a daily companion who continually whispers hurtful things into your mind.

·      Listen to your conversations over the last few days and ask yourself, “Do I sound like a victim?”

If any of this disturbs you, I encourage you to seek out a therapist or a trained listener to help you explore your own victimhood.  Untreated, it will taint every moment, every relationship, every thought, and every feeling we may ever have.  Take care of yourself.  You are worth it!

The Victim Syndrome

Therapy for Survivors of Abuse

Beyond being a Victim

When we experience change in our private or social lives we will likely experience a soulshift. We may lose our enthusiasm or suddenly become energized.  We may find our capacity for patience to be very thin or we may feel very forgiving and open-hearted.  These soulshifts are very real and can be quite disturbing to ourselves and others.

When we are entering a soulshift the same wisdom applies as we have used for changes in body and mind.  Change what we can, accept what we cannot, and have the wisdom to know the difference.  Many will argue that emotions happen to us and we have no control over them.  This may be true on the surface, but when we feel a “seismic” shift in our emotional state, we do have some things we can do to shape their intensity and depth.  Our control may be limited by external circumstances and internal dynamics.  But, many times we can redirect the energy created by these shifts in ways that helps us to endure and even grow through the experience.

One morning we wake up and our legs just refuse to move.  We feel empty inside as if someone came in the night and drained our “battery” and our “gas tank.”  We acknowledge that we have been under a lot of stress.  We have dealt with several disappointments.  We tossed and turned most of the night.  We have awoken to a soulshift.

Rather than lay there, we decide that we do not want to waste the day.  We get up and get moving.  Before long, the spring in our step starts to return and our soul begins to rebound.  We could have wasted a whole day of PTO on a bad morning.  Instead we have learned just how resilient we are and that not every bad morning creates a bad day.

Soulshifts, when approached as an opportunity for self-care, can lead us to a greater sense of self.  When they persist, we may discover the triggers to our own sadness or anger.  When we can move through them, we discover the power we have for our lives and health.  Self-care during the soulshifts can be profound moments of learning and growth.

Discern a Soulshift – Be present to your state of soul and do not simply accept it as inevitable.  Realize the change that has occurred in your soul and name it.  By naming you assert some measure of control over it.

Accept it for what it is -- Recognize that today may not be the day to make a big decision, but you do not have to allow it to ruin your day.  A soulshift is a change within.  Recognize that it will limit some of your capacities but it may enhance others. 

Invest in a little TLC to ease the struggle – Treat yourself to some time for the things that give you energy.  Some people like to be with people whiles others prefer solitude.  Everyone is different.  Do not expect miracles, but you can likely count on a brief respite from the discomfort.

Make peace with your soul – By accepting this as part of your life at this time you are free to let it teach you a little more self-awareness and show you the way in the future.

Resilience – Give yourself permission to bounce and ride the wave of the moment.  We cannot choose how we feel but we do have the power to choose how we live our day.  Honor the feeling but do not allow it to steal away your daily life. 

I strongly encourage you to review the links below.  They have some excellent information about dealing with the soulshifts in our lives.

The Emotions of Change

Finding Your Bounce in Times of Change

Self-Care and the Soul