​Taking care of ourselves while we are engaged in relationships with others is all about establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries.  In the next couple of weeks, I will be discussing the mental and emotional boundaries that help us support our spiritual health, but this week I will refer to two particular types of boundaries, physical and the social.
 
Physical Boundaries
Our physical presence in the world is our basic experience of being alive.  We share this presence with all of those around us whether they are known or unknown.  Physical presence can be understood as concentric circles that begin with our body and extend outward.  Our physical boundaries include giving others access to physical touch or the zone of intimacy that surrounds us.  There are other physical boundaries that extend beyond these limits and can generally be recognized by our level of comfort as people approach us.  These distances vary with individual temperament or history, culture, gender, as well as many other factors. 
 
Under most circumstances we have control over how close we allow people to approach us.  If someone steps in too close, we will either step back or tell the other person to “back off.”  We generally make these responses intuitively based on our feelings and our understanding of the relationship we have with the person.  If someone invades our personal space, we may feel threatened.  If we are unable to assert control over the space, we will feel trapped.  This is the definition of a severe physical boundary violation. 
 
It is a fundamental principle of self-care that we have an obligation to ourselves and others to establish and maintain appropriate physical boundaries based on our level of comfort.  If someone encroaches on our space and makes us uncomfortable, we can and should make them aware of their violation of our space and take whatever actions we can to restore our comfort and feeling of well-being.  It is best if we can do so without doing harm to ourselves or the other.  However, if we must take actions that will cause harm to the other, then this is justified based on the risk of relative harm to our health and well-being.  The greater the risk, the greater the response.  This is called self-defense and involves some very complicated legal and moral issues that are beyond the scope of this self-care note. 
 
For our purposes, physical boundaries exist to promote the health and safety of ourselves and others, especially when our living space become crowded.  We have the obligation to protect not only our physical boundaries as well as the boundaries of others based on their levels of physical comfort or distress.
 
Social Boundaries
In addition to our physical boundaries, we also have social comfort zones, or boundaries.  These are generally understood by how we describe our relationship to them.  We may call them our lover, our parent, our child, our sibling, a companion, an acquaintance, a co-worker, etc.  In addition, they may be regarded as a friend or an enemy.  (Sometimes they may be both at the same time or alternating between the two.)    A friend characterizes a relationship that encourages and assists us in becoming healthier.  While an enemy is someone who challenges us and may tempt us into unhealthy ways of living.  There is a third category of people we choose to exclude from our social comfort zones.  They are part of our social network in name only.  We make little, if any space for them in our lives. 
 
Self-care of our social zones involves managing who we will be actively engaged with at a given time.  This will include both friends and enemies by allowing them greater or lesser closeness.  It will also involve choosing who will and will not be part of our social support and network.  By maintaining a healthy support group among the people around us we are able to grow through difficult circumstances. 
 
This support group will almost always involve people you claim as friends and a few who will exist, at times, as enemies.  They keep us strong and honest.  They will help us be “real” with ourselves and challenge us to accept and grow through adversity as well as prosperity.  Many will test our “mettle” and help us discover who we are and why act the way we do.  They may even help us set aside unhealthy ways of living and embrace a more healthful lifestyle.  We accept responsibility for these social boundaries by managing the time we spend engaging with these individuals as well as the physical presence we allow them.
 
When we make appropriate time and space in our lives for those who will help us grow through and into healthier and happier lives, we are engaging in meaningful self-care.

​Actively participating in a community offers us the opportunities to manage both our physical and social boundaries.  In fact, the greatest teachers I have had in self-care of the body among friends and enemies, have been the small towns where I have lived.  They taught me that it truly does take a village, but just because someone lives close by does mean you have to be best friends with them.  They taught me the importance of caring for my fence and respecting my neighbors’ fence.  They taught me that life can be very lonely and unsatisfying when we do not allow others in.  They taught me that I do not have to agree with my neighbor in order for them to be my friend.  Small town living also taught me that there is no place to hide from ourselves.  We cannot really lose ourselves.  Instead, we must accept that we need a community around us and that we must take responsibility for being involved.
 
Our tip this week involves going a bit deeper with the assessment we began last week.
 
Does your social network include?

• People who have pushed their way into your life and make you feel uncomfortable?
• People who do not always agree with you but are able to help you see things more clearly?
• People who bring you comfort just because of their presence?
• People who you believe depend upon you for a sense of place and comfort?
• Enough community to remind you that you are part of something greater than yourself?
• Enough space to allow for solitude when needed?
• Family and/or friends that allow you enough time and space to gain some perspective on our life?

 
Lastly, are you able to say “No!” when someone intrudes upon your time and space?   Are you willing and able to accept when someone tells you “No!”?
 
Each of us relies upon others to live a meaningful life.  These people inhabit concurrent rings of relationship and physical presence in your life.  By accepting responsibility for establishing clear boundaries and using appropriate means for maintaining/defending them, we can find our tribe and the village that is an essential part of healthy living.
 
Blessings,
Bob
 

Social Connections Help You Live Longer
 
Do Not Touch Zone
 
Personal Space
 

​A friend warned me many years ago, “Be careful when you turn 60.  That’s when your body starts taking revenge on you for all the abuse you have done to it.”
 
In some ways this is all too true.   There is much to recommend living a long life, but as with anything else, it comes with a cost.  Physically we discover that we face new challenges and must learn to focus on taking care of ourselves in ways that we took for granted when we were younger.  Generally, this means watching what we eat, developing a routine for exercise, getting enough restful sleep, and receiving regular medical and dental care.
 
If you are under 60, we can begin developing these healthier habits and improving our odds at making a healthy transition into retirement.  However, many of us put this off, preferring to push ourselves and our luck. 
 
As we prepare for or enter retirement, it is imperative that we wake up to the realities of aging.   We need to recognize that in retirement we will be tempted to be less active.   However, our bodies will demand that we become even more engaged in physical self-care.  The following tips are intended to start you on a path toward improving your body’s health as you prepare for and enter retirement.  As the old adage says, “We only get one body, make the most of it.”

​First, get a thorough check up.  Many people will have improved access to healthcare at age 65.  Take advantage of this and talk to your doctor about a complete physical check-up.  This will allow you and your doctor to establish a baseline for your physical condition.  It may help you discover the challenges that you will face in retirement.  Even if you are feeling good and do not have any significant issues, speak to your doctor and develop a plan for getting all the systems checked out.
 
Second, take a good look at your lifestyle.  When our schedules open up with retirement, we may let go of the self-disciplines that served us well while we were working.  We may start staying up later or sleeping in.  We may nibble our way through the day and/or skip meals.  We may be tempted to plant ourselves in front of the TV or Computer.  Most of us know what we need to do to stay healthy in retirement.  The trick is in being honest with ourselves and establishing a new set of routines that will help us stay healthy.  Make some intentional choices about your lifestyle and then allow those intentions to guide your day-to-day choices.
 
Third, when our health faces a challenge, get it taken care of as soon as possible.  Older bodies are less forgiving.  With a less effective immune system comes an increased risk of serious health issues.  Pneumonia can develop much quicker.  We cannot afford to let stuff slide as we get older.  The risks are too great.
 
Finally, give yourself permission to enjoy your retirement.  Unless there are major reason not to, enjoy a cookie and milk as a mid-day snack.  Just do not eat the bag.  Watch an interesting TV show.  Just do not binge watch a whole season in a day.  If you want to stay up and watch a ballgame then do so.  But allow yourself to sleep in the next day.  If you want to get up before day break to get to your tee time, give yourself permission to either take a nap when you get home of make an early night of it.  In short, go ahead and make exceptions to your lifestyle choices but do not make the exceptions the new rule. 
 
Get a check-up.  Choose a healthier lifestyle.  Take care of the small problems.  Enjoy your retirement.  When we accept responsibility for our physical well-being in retirement, we will find that we are better able to deal with the “revenge-taking” that comes with aging.  These tips will not protect you from the costs of living a long life, but they will make you more resilient and better prepared to deal with physical issues when they arise.  To quote a modern sage, “Live long and prosper!”
 
Bob

Dealing with Early Retirement
 
Boosting Longevity
 
Staying Fit in Retirement

​Work are the real-time, day-to-day activities, the “doing” in our lives.  It determines how we live in time and space.  It has very real consequences on our physical health and well-being.  Work demands that we pay attention to both the costs of and benefits we gain in our long-term and short-term daily lives.  And yet, we seldom connect the dots between our employment and our physical health.  In short, we overwork ourselves to death.
 
A former church member worked at a plant where he was exposed to asbestos for over 30 years.  When I knew him, he was dying from mesothelioma, a lung disease traced to asbestos.  He spoke openly about his disease and understood that it was caused by his work.  But he also said that it was worth it.  His employers enabled him to take care of his family.  His disease was just part of the price he paid.  He both saw and chose to continue along that path.  He counted the cost and made his choice.  Unfortunately, few of us are aware of the real costs of our work life.  We likely ignore the consequences they are having on our present or future lives.  And so, we labor on and leave the dots unconnected.
 
In addition, many employers have changed the workplace in ways that encourages us to “overwork.”  They demand greater employee efficiency by forcing us to do more with less.  Many have reshaped the pay systems to support this efficiency.  They make it more profitable to overwork.  There is a greater reliance on performance-based pay (commission and bonuses) and no longer consider cost of living to be a reason to increase a worker’s pay.   Further, they “add value” to our positions by increasing our responsibilities.  They cultivate increased competition for jobs and promotions.  Many people work in order to building a resume without regard to pay or benefits.  This is especially true of the increasing use of unpaid internships in both the public and private sector.  Lastly, our culture is now focusing on developing a work ethic around the entrepreneurial spirit that requires that someone do whatever it takes to succeed.  How badly do you want to be a millionaire?
 
The result is that jobs are demanding greater costs and deferring benefits.  Labor has become more of a cipher on the balance sheet than a human resource.   We have come to see our working life as selling our time and bodies to the highest bidder until we can buy them back in retirement.
 
The pressures to overwork, over-invest in our jobs can be overwhelming.  But it is not inevitable.  The worker still has the choice.  They do not have to accept overwork.  They can cut the costs of working but they will also have to be realistic about the benefits.  It is the workers responsibility to find the balance, not the employers.  Overwork, overinvestment is a choice, but it is not the only choice to those who are willing to accept responsibility for their working lives. 
 
If you find yourself in a situation where overwork is hurting your health, you may want to change jobs or find a way to work smarter.

The old adage “Don’t work harder, work smarter!” is very true.  Smarter means being aware of what and how you are doing your job, counting the costs, and weighing the benefits.  If you can get greater efficiency by learning new ways of doing things, will it bring a greater benefit to you?  Wil employing technology reduce your costs in time and energy while holding or increasing your benefits?  Will stepping down the corporate ladder and related responsibilities still yield the benefits you need?  These are among a myriad of choices that each of us has in taking care of our body during our working life.
 
I encourage you to look back at why you work and compare the costs and benefits.  What changes will allow you to make the best of the time you spend at work?  If you choose to overwork then you will need to accept the consequences.  If you choose to make changes you will need to accept the consequences of that choice as well.  There are no magic bullets.  We know what we could and possibly should do.  We need to give ourselves permission to do it, to make the smarter choice for a healthier work life.  And then, we need to be willing to accept the results of our choices, recognizing that they are our choices. 
 
How important is time with your family?  How important is your current level of pay?  How important are the various benefits?  How important is your present and future health?  How important is your current lifestyle?  Weigh each of these and many others to make your choice.  And then get on with living, letting go of blaming others and enjoying your life, work and all.
 
Blessings,
Bob

Why do we work ourselves to death?
 
Overworking
 
Choosing Your Lifestyle

​I begin by borrowing a page from my two weeks of German in College.  I offer three new words for your consideration as you think about self-care of your body during new journeys.  They are: LeavingBehindNess, UpsideDownNess, IDon’tKnowNess.
 
LeavingBehindNess is the reality that new journeys demand that we leave some things behind.  We cannot take all of our lives with us when we head into a new place to live, a new job, a new relationship, or a new set of goals for our life.  Let’s face it, the longer we live in one place (location, jobs, relationships, etc.) we acquire physical stuff.  We also acquire habits, ways of doing things, and favored routines that depend on the status quo.  When we set off on a new journey, many of these must be left behind to make room for new ways, new relationships, new routines.  The anticipation of leaving some of this behind prevents us from embarking on the new journey all together.  But even if we are able to get over the worst part of LeavingBehindNess, we will still have to work our way through the lingering effects when we start our new journey.  This leads us to the second new word.
 
UpsideDownNess is the reality that our lives will be disrupted.  When we leave behind the familiar paths and goals, things are no longer where they are supposed to be.  The expected begins to fade as the unexpected and uncertain begins fogs our view.  The stuff we count on becomes less reliable.  Our world of routine and order becomes a world where up may be down and down, up.  Our usual ways of dealing with surprises become less effective and we rediscover the need for creativity, or “seat-of-the-pants” flying.  As we find our way deeper into our new journey, certainty and comfort will become strangers.  Their disappearance will erode our confidence and sure-footedness along the path.
 
IDon’tKnowNess will steal away our certainty and the “easy” answers we have developed for ourselves.  New journeys are messy.  We have to deal with clutter. Old journeys comforts and choices may longer fit. Some stuff is left behind as new stuff is acquired. Old ways and new ways may be incompatible.  We have to be more aware of our surrounding and pay attention to whatever information we have available to us.  We are left in a disorienting world of “I don’t know!”
 
Leaving behind old ways leads to upside down lives that challenge us to fill in the huge gaps in the world both within and beyond ourselves.  This is all very exhausting.  It demands that we add a good dose of self-care to our new journey.  Failure to do so will allow the energy to drain away.  We may find ourselves “out of gas” and stalled on an unknown stretch of road.  Or we may turn back and take refuge in the comfortable and familiar.  

​Self-care of the body during new journeys require three simple skills.  This is not complicated, but it can be intimidating.  They are:
 
Listen to Our Body – We have been taught to ignore our body when we face challenges.  Men and women have been encouraged to play through the pain. We have been encouraged to breathe through the pain.  Unfortunately, this may have desensitized us to the messages our body sends us when we are facing the challenges of the new journey.  It may be physical pain that is telling us to slow down and work smarter.  It may be a calendar so crowded with “busyness” that we miss appointments and sacrifice healthy habits.  Or, it could be frequent “colds” or other infections that pop up at the busiest times.  Each of these are indications that something is wrong, and we need to pay attention to our body and physical lives.
 
Pace Ourselves – Generally this means we need to pace ourselves.  Most new journeys are not sprints.  They are marathons that require something more than mere speed.  We need to carefully monitor what each part of the journey requires and reserve enough resources to reach the destination.  The hare gave maximum effort and paid the price by coming in second to the tortoise.  When the body starts talking to you, pay attention and adjust your pace.  Take a break, slow down a bit, and give your body time to recoup. 
 
Replenish Our Reserves – This is nothing more than the same advice we have heard over and over again.  Eat well, drink plenty of fluids, and get enough sleep.  Nothing new here, except that these tend to be the things we sacrifice first when we are starting a new and arduous journey.  We need to pay particular attention to them when we are really enjoying the challenges or when we are fighting off the headwinds of the journey.  “I’ll eat later.”  “I can sleep then this is all over.”   Unfortunately, “later” is a moving target that keeps getting put off.  And “when it’s all over” may be too late.  Self-care means being intentional about doing the simplest and most basic tasks of body care. 
 
Listen to your body (actually your life) and learn to pace yourself while regularly replenishing your reserves.  Your new journey demands the best that you have to offer and the first thing you have to offer is a well-cared for self.
 
Journey on,
 
Bob

Mindfulness and the Body
 
Pacing our Lives
 
Body Fuel
​

​The modern American Holiday experience can usually be described with two words, “Too Much.”  We tend to over eat, over drink, over spend, overdo, and over indulge in all manner of things.  We may see the holidays as a time to relax and enjoy life after 10 months of hard work and self-denial.  We may simply take it as an occasion to give ourselves permission to ignore our health and well-being.  When it comes to self-care of the body during the holidays, the question is “When is too much, TOO MUCH?”
 
Food – Our bodies have developed a little trick over the millennia to make sure that we eat enough food.  As hunter/gatherers, food was seldom in abundant supply.  Therefore, our brains learned to delay accepting that we have had enough to eat until we had eaten more than we needed.  There is a 20-minute delay between being full and feeling full.  This provided a margin of error that served us well in times of scarcity.  Unfortunately, in times of plenty it means that we tend to over eat.  During the holidays, this little quirk leads to dangerously high eating and drinking habits.
 
Money – Generosity is a good quality that is especially important during the holidays.  It is an important element in the celebrations of the season. It reflects of our gratitude for what we have received throughout the year.  To be generous is to demonstrate a “noble or kindly spirit” that shares out of our abundance with others.  These gifts feed our spirit and promote healthy living when they are offered out of that sense of gratitude.  But, when our giving is done for less noble reasons, it becomes a burden for on lives and takes away from our spiritual health.  Over-spending, and the financial problems it creates, tend to happen for reasons other than generosity.  We may over-spend more in order to impress others and portray ourselves as being wealthier or more loving than we are.   We may over-spend in order to repay others for their generosity.  We may spend too much in order to make-up for some suspected sense of failing in our relationships with our family or friends.  Each of these grow out of a need to give selfishly.  Generosity is about celebrating our relationship to the other, not our relationship to ourselves.
 
Time – The holiday season also brings an increased to do list, social schedule, and family gatherings.  These calendar items can lead to “over-doing” and “under-being.”  The holidays are intended to allow us to celebrate the meaning of the season.  This requires that we are able to be in the season as well as “doing” the season.  We find it difficult to focus on the season itself when we become over engaged in doing.  When we get lost in the details of doing, the sense of celebration and wonder also get lost.  To celebrate means to acknowledge and participate in an activity that feeds our spirit.  By over doing, the celebration becomes, at best, an afterthought and our spirit suffers.
 
When is too much, TOO MUCH?  When our eating/drinking, spending, and doing cease to feed your sense of joy then they are too much.  They steal our joy and take away from our resilience of spirit.  They trouble our soul, confuse our mind, and wear down our bodies.  They turn the opportunity to celebrate into duty and obligation.  They empty the season of the very meaning it is intended to impart.
 
How do we with deal with the stress of the holidays on our physical lives?  We need to learn ways to manage our eating/drinking, budget, and calendar so that they allow us to enjoy the season.  This begins with discovering the signs of satisfaction in our lives.  

​The easiest way to tell when enough has become too much is see/feel the edge of satisfaction in our eating/drinking, spending, and doing.  As we approach that edge, we can taper off and savor the moment rather than rushing headlong into over-indulgence.  We can give ourselves a reason to set the fork and glass down, put away the credit card, and assume responsibility for our holiday calendar.  That reason is simply, “I am satisfied!?  Any more and it will be too much.” 
 
This works at the table, in the store (or, more likely, online), and when the invitations for parties begin to arrive. 
 
First, we need to recognize when our stomach, our budget, and our calendar gives us the subtle clues that we are satisfied.  Listen to your body, not your mind.  It well tell you when you have had enough.
 
Second, when we feel the need to keep going, we need to ask ourselves “Why?”  Am I doing this for something other than celebrating the season with a “noble and kindly” spirit?  Or am I doing this simply because I want more?  
 
Third, as you set down the fork/glass, place you credit/debit card back in your pocket, and say “no” to that holiday activity, let that moment also be a celebration of the season.  Let the satisfaction of “having done” make room in your spirit to remember and celebrate the reason(s) for the season.  In short, does you doing still bring you joy?  If not, then celebrate the not doing, as well. 
 
When is too much, TOO MUCH?  When it steals your joy and becomes a burden to celebrating the holidays.  Give yourself the gift of the holidays by eating/drinking, spending, and doing responsibly.
 
Blessings,
Bob

Why do we eat too much?
 
Controlling Holiday Spending
 
Managing your Holiday Time

​Decisions are very easy for some folks.  They seem to glide through a smooth process of identifying the problem, listing options, and making THE choice.  From the outside, it appears some folks just seem to get to where they want to be without tossing and turning or fretting and second-guessing.  But I suspect these choices are more difficult than they may appear.  I have met very few people who do not struggle with big decisions.  This self-care note is about how we can best take care of our body when difficult decisions must be made.
 
Making big decisions wears a body down.  It can eat away at our energy as we fuss and fume over the uncertainty.  We burn our selective attention on “The Problem” and have very little left over for the rest of our life.  These physical effects are generally short-term and are more annoying than life-changing.  But they can affect the quality of the process we use as well as the actual choice we make.  Therefore, it is important that we take care of our physical well-being when we are struggling with a difficult decision.
 
One of the first physical casualties of a decision-making process is our sleep.  I have known a few folks whose sleep was not disturbed by the choices they were making.  But many struggle to “turn off” the brain so that they can fall asleep.  Others report that they wake up between 3-5 AM with a great idea and then cannot get back to sleep.  Some folks wake up too early pondering the problem and just give up trying to go back to sleep.  The end results for these folks are lost sleep and a weariness that will carry over the next day. 
 
A second casualty is that we may become distracted from our daily Self-Care.  The bigger the concern, the more overwhelming our anxiety.  This anxiety causes us to focus our energy on the problem.  Unfortunately, our attention only comes in a limited quantity. To increase our focus on some things means we have to ignore or disregard others.  Often, we disregard the concerns that seem less important in the short-term.  We may skip meals or grab some junk food between meetings.  We may load up on carbs and bad fats (read doughnuts and sodas) to get us through the afternoon, not realizing that they can make us even more sleepy.  We may skip a medication that makes us drowsy believing we need to be “up” and going.  We may even revert to “college days” and pull an all-nighter to get it done.  Short-sighted Self-Care seldom works out to our benefit.
 
A third casualty may be our physical health.  A lack of sleep and poor self-care can weaken the body’s immune system and make us more susceptible of the virus du jour.  Studies show that sleep produces chemical changes in our bodies that enable us to fight of many of the common viruses.  Eating “bad fats” can also lower our immunity.  These are more likely found in fried and packaged foods.  Most of us can likely recall letting ourselves run down and then catching a cold or the flu.  A friend of mine is convinced that minor infections like colds are the body’s way of slowing us down so that we can get the rest we need. 
 
It is important that we continue to take care of our body when we have difficult choices to make.  It will see us through the most difficult time as long as we rest well, eat right, and pay attention when our body is telling us that something is wrong.

​I have three tips for self-care when the body is growing weary under the weight of a big decision.
 
Bedside Notepad
Keep a small notepad and pen at your bedside.  You can also use the Notes App on your phone as long as you can resist to the temptation of taking a quick peek at FB or your email.  When a thought keeps you awake or wakes you up in the middle of the night, reach for the notepad and jot it down.  This allows you to go back to sleep without worrying about whether you will remember this “great idea” in the morning.  Having the notepad within reach also allows you to rest well knowing that if something comes up, all you have to do is reach over and record it. 
 
Eat Light
A second tip is to avoid the heavy, sleep-inducing meals that you may be accustomed to in ordinary times.  One doughnut may boost your energy during a meeting.  But a  tray-full will put you to sleep.  Eat light with a focus on nut oils rather than lard or cooking oils.  Make sure your plate has a good supply of fresh vegetables and a lesser amount of animal proteins.  Stay away from sugary treats and go with fruit or nuts for a desert or treat. 
 
Exercise
Finally, when you feel the weight of the decision pressing down on your shoulders, get up and take a walk.  Get some fresh air and allow yourself to escape the process for a while.  Stepping away allows you body to regain some of its focus and help you sort out what is important from what may simply be a product of your physical weariness. 
 
Take care of yourself and your body when you are dealing with difficult choices.  It will not only help you make a better response, it will leave you with the energy you may need to follow through one the choice is made.

The Bedside Notepad
 
Decision Fatigue
 
Can a Lack of Sleep Make You Sick?
​

​Last week I talked about how we can be homeless even with a roof over our head.  Another way of thinking about homelessness is to be rootless, ungrounded.  If we are to find our way home in body we need to be rooted in something that both nourishes and supports us when the winds of life begin to blow.  This week I encourage you to consider how to be at home in body.
 
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs says that all human beings must satisfy the following needs before they move on to the next.  These are, in order: Physiological Needs (food, water, warmth, rest), Safety Needs (clothing, shelter, security), Belonging (healthy personal, social, and intimate relationships), Esteem (feeling of accomplishment, competence, self-worth), and Self-Actualization (coming to know one’s self and fulfilling one’s potential).  Being at home in the body speaks to those first three sets of needs; physiological, safety, and belonging.  Until those are met, it is very difficult to move onto the “higher needs.”  The home is the “where and how” of meeting these needs.
 
There are countless stories about women and men who have left their home behind and moved to a new place where they were truly alone.  They struggled to find their footing and plant their roots in their new home.  These iconic stories reflect our experiences and speak to our deepest selves when we have lost our footing and feel isolated and alone.  The sad part is that this happens even when we seem to have everything we need.  We may have a good house and a spouse and 2.5 children with 3 meals a day.  We may have a good job and people we see regularly that we count as friends.  But…
 
Those three dots tell the rest of the story.  There may be an emptiness about all that “having.”  The “firm-footing” that we expect during the times of “storms” eludes us.  The “itch” for really belonging is not “scratched” by those around us.  We have a home but we are not at home.  We have “left the building.”  The lives we have acquired and that we expect to nourish and support us seem strangely unhelpful  This is real homelessness.
 
How do we usually endure such an empty life?  We engage in an empty activity.  In gym class the coach called it “Running in Place.”  I was always confused about this exercise.  It was good for the heart but boy did it starve the soul.  In fact, other than a few physical benefits, it was pointless.  This is why I am selling our treadmill.  If I am going to walk I would rather do it somewhere that nourishes me, like a hiking trail or a park filled with people.  When we are homeless, we go through the motions and walk or run in place.  We think we are feeding our lives but, in fact, we are fooling ourselves.  It is pretend-living that helps us get through the days, weeks, months, and years but….
 
What can we do about it?  Rather than running, let us “Belong in Place.”  Let where we are become a deeper reflection of who we are.  Let the walls that surround us grow out of the person who seeks shelter within them.  Let the ground upon which we walk reflect the one who is doing the walking.  Let the people who surround us reflect back to us who we are and who we can become.  Belonging in place takes a commitment to being who we want to become, not simply doing what we have to make others happy or chase away the demons that visit us in our dreams or nip at our heels while we run in place. 
 
To belong-in-place means that we are deeply rooted in the situations and people around us.  It means that they feed and nourish us when we hunger.  They support us when the winds of shame, guilt, disappointment, or despair blow into our lives.  They involve us in a community through which we receive and share who we are.  To be at home in body is to know who we are by looking around and seeing the best of ourselves reflected in our surroundings and in our companions.

​If you find yourself homeless in body, I invite you to consider nesting.  This comes from the behavior of pregnant women as they approach their due date.  Many report that they feel the need to clean and organize their lives and their home for the arrival of their child.  It is a form of anticipatory socialization that assists the mother-to-be as she transitions into becoming a Mom.
 
In my use of the term, I am talking about doing things that will help you achieve the same purpose.  You will make a place for the person who is coming to be within yourself and allowing you time to transition from homelessness to being at home.  There are several things you can do.
 
Gathering In – The first step in belonging in place is to take an assessment of what you need and then gathering it together.  Unfortunately, this can be a complicated process.  If you feel the need for a close friend you may have to step out beyond yourself and join clubs or be more open to folks.  Finding a different place to live can also be very involved.  If you need to get out of a difficult financial or employment situation this may take some time and require hard choices.  But, regardless of how long it takes, every step you take toward gathering what you need for your nest will be time well spent.
 
Getting to Know – After gathering what you need, spend some time simply being with your home and the people and things you have gathered.  Often people do not turn out to be the way we thought.  We are surprised for good and ill more often than not.  The same applies to the situations and places that you have gathered.  Give them some time to show you who they are.  You are building a life, not a model airplane.  Get to know them and see if they fit in with your home.
 
Arranging – Once you have an idea of who and what these pieces are, spend time arranging them around you.  Not every friend needs to be seen every week and not every house needs a huge couch.  Arrange them until they feel “at home” to you.
 
Basking – And once you discover that a home has enfolded you, sit back and enjoy them and it.  Spend time.  Let them nourish and support you as you nurture and care for them and it.
 
Welcome home!
 
Bob Dees

Hierarchy of Needs
 
Feeling at Home
 
Building Friendships
​

​Body stuckness is not uncommon and can be very frustrating.  It includes hitting a plateau in weight loss when the pounds refuse to go away any longer.  It means a long-term bout of insomnia that may stretch into weeks or months.  It could be an inability to stop smoking or some other bad habit.  Body Stuckness is essentially a situation where we cannot do what we physically want to do but believe we are capable of doing. 
 
There are at least three situations that create physical stuckness.
 
Stuckness of the body due to addiction.  When our body builds up a physical or psychological dependence on something that we do not want to do.  This includes not only alcohol and other types of drugs but also other, normally less destructive behaviors such as video games or sex.  We become stuck when we identify the behavior as destructive (or disruptive) to our lives but we are unable to change our behavior.  In short, we become aware that we are caught in a loop of behavior that is against our self-interest through addiction.
 
Stuckness of the body due to “firm-mindedness.  This stuckness happens when there is no real physical or psychological addiction.  W know we could and should change but would rather not because it would be too much trouble.  We can’t be bothered.  My mother called it “firm-mindedness.”  I would call it being stubborn or lazy.
 
Stuckness of the body due to unacknowledged physical limitations.  This is a particularly tricky type of body stuckness.  We realize that we are stuck and not moving forward like we desire but we have no idea why.  We are not only frustrated by being stuck, we are angry because we cannot see a clear path ahead.  We may flail about trying this or that, but end up right back where we started.  Generally, there is an underlying physical limitation that we have either buried or never considered.  If I had a deep desire to ride a Triple Crown winner, I would likely find myself being stuck on a plow horse due to my generous girth.  A runner without the legs to compete would be stuck in the stands. 
 
I do not want to suggest that physical stuckness is a great tragedy.  In fact, it can be a great gift if it is used to help us to get a clearer understanding of ourselves.  Body stuckness is a sign that there is something more going on than weight, sleep, or bad habits.  By accepting our stuckness as a part of the tapestry of our life we can become better acquainted with the one person who will be with us until our last breath. 

​A Little self-assessment

• What behaviors do you want to change?
• How do these things fit in to your daily routine? 
• What benefits do you get from them? 
• How might you better meet these needs? 
• Count the costs and visualize them in real terms.  Let go of shame and all the other feelings and focus on real world actions and results. 
• Find someone to help you unpack and let go of the things that hold you back

 
Become a student of your daily life and, in time, you will become more and more comfortable in your own skin.

10 Bad Habits and How to Break Them
 
Addictions
 
Am I Stubborn?

​70 hour weeks with a couple of 16 hour days thrown in.  Sitting at the bedside of a very ill family member for days on end.  Facing an empty bank account and bills that keep on coming.  Realizing that we have at least another month of work on a project that is due next week.  Being jolted awake by the sound of your car tires hitting the rumble strip on the side of the highway.
 
These are examples of some of the headwinds that our body may face.  They, among a host of others, challenge our physical stamina and abilities.  They cause doubt and fear to rise from deep within.  When faced with these difficult headwinds, most of us remember words such as those below. 
 
“Set forth no limits, keep in mind that your potential is boundless.” 
― Sal Martinez
 
“There are no limits to what you can do. You are only limited by your thoughts.” 
― Debasish Mridha
 
These come from the “lean-in-and-push-on-through” school of thought.  When the headwinds blow we lean in and work harder.  Why?  Because there are no limits to what we can do if we have the will power.  It is one aspect of the power of positive thinking movement that has become a cornerstone of pop psychology and modern motivational coaching.
 
Unfortunately, this is founded on a false premise.  There are limits.  Our bodies cannot take unlimited abuse.  They do break down.  If we are lucky these breakdowns happen sooner rather than later so that we can back-off before we do permanent damage.  Unfortunately, our bodies are very resilient and we may not experience the breakdown until we have permanently damaged our body.  There are physical limits and they can cause lasting harm.
 
However, this does not mean we have to live our lives cushioned from every discomfort or avoiding pushing our stamina or physical capacities.  It simply means we have to pay attention to the limits.  We have to know ourselves and the boundaries that are part of who we are.
 
Marathon Runners report that after the initial high of running, the body begins to tire.  They have learned to run through this period because the body will replenish the energy from stored reserves.  However, these reserves cannot be replaced.  When these reserves begin to run out the body fights to keep going.  This causes irreparable harm.  The successful marathoner knows their body well enough to be able to distinguish between the first “wall” from the second more dangerous wall.
 
This principle applies to all of the scenarios above.  Some folks are able to sustain 70 work weeks for a short time.  But, in time, it will begin to effect the quality of their work and the rest of their lives.  After several weeks of being at their bedside resentment begins to creep into their inner conversation.  When the money runs out before the bills they can either start using their high interest credit cards like cash or they can sit down with a financial planner and find a better path.  When the due date is a lot closer than the completion date they will need to find ways to adjust both or walk away from the project all together.  When the rumble strip interrupts their unintended nap, they can force their eyes open and grip the steering wheel tighter or pull over and get some rest.
 
Unless we push ourselves to and through the first wall, we will never know what we can do.  But pushing ourselves to and beyond that second wall will turn out badly.  There are limits.  Learn yours and know when to slow down.

​Learn your limits by listening to your body.  Discover the signs of when you are tired and when you are exhausted.  How does your mood change when you become exhausted?  What about your ability to concentrate?  How do you deal with minor physical ailments like colds or turned ankles?  How does having people around you make you feel?  How are you able to deal with disappointments or setbacks?  Is the pain merely tolerable is does it take a great deal of your concentration and energy to cope with it?  Each of these may indicate that you are reaching your point of exhaustion.  Everyone is different so we each have to learn these from the only teacher we have, our own body.
 
Push the boundary but watch out for signs that you have reached your limits.  Just knowing our limits will not help unless we have the discipline to listen and act responsibly with that information.  As the old song goes, “Know when to hold’em and know when to fold’em” is only the first step.  Sometimes we will try and push through that second wall because of our ego, a misplaced sense of competition,  a lack of clarity about what is truly important, a need to please someone else, or a need to risk it all in order to feel worthwhile.  Our reasons can be many.  We really do not have to know why.  All that is required is to accept the evidence of our body and do what is best for it.
 
Having a personal trainer or trusted friend to help you see when you reach your limits.  Most successful athletes trace their success to a coach or coaches.  The good coach is concerned about the athletes success in the long run.  They do not push them farther than is healthy or sustainable.  Having a coach or a trusted friend to help you discover your limitations and act responsibly with that information can and will make all the difference.  They will “see” things you miss and will help you hold yourself accountable for your goals, hopes, and dreams.
 
Physically, we are our body.  It has limits.  By discovering these boundaries we will be able to know when to lean in and push on as well as when slow down and allow our body to heal.  Take good care of your body.  Your life depends on it!
 
Bob

Hitting the Wall
 
Signs of Overtraining
 
Sustainable Exercise
​

​Summer is the season to engage life.  I do not mean like a promise to marry or engage an enemy.  It is more like engaging the clutch while driving a “stick.”
 
When I got my learner’s permit at age fifteen, my older brothers took on the responsibility of teaching me how to drive.  No one had an automatic transmission so I had to learn to drive the stick.  I was taught that when starting the car, disengage the clutch, press on the gas, the turn the key.  Keep your foot on the clutch, allow the engine to warm up.  When ready, shift into low, release the brake slowly while pressing down on the gas with the same foot.  Then engage the clutch!  It was all as easy to explain as it was to write.  Unfortunately, you know what happened the first time I tried.
 
The hardest part is engaging the clutch.  Too fast and you leap forward and kill the engine.  Too slow and you sit there while your brother yells at you to quit “wearing out” the clutch.  It took practice and a learned “touch” to engage the clutch and get the car rolling.
 
Rolling into Summer requires that we carefully engage our “clutch” to get our body rolling into Summer. 
 
Summer Sun – Use sunscreen and start with low doses of sunshine.  Avoid the sun between 11:00 AM and 4:00 PM.  Even after building up your exposure, continue and replenish the sunscreen and wear a hat with a high SPF rating.  You will avoid the inconvenience of a sunburn and hopefully a later case of skin cancer.
 
Summer Activities – It is important to pace our way into a full scale assault on the Summer.  The Marathon Runner does not go from a life on the couch to the finish line in a few days.  Summer activities may require that we use muscles and joints that have not been regularly used in quite some time.  We may be tempted to pick up where we were 9 months ago and not account for the loss of muscle memory or the safety protocols.  Start slow and press yourself forward all Summer.
 
Summer Explorations – For many, Summer is the one season where they can get out and do things that are not generally available the rest of the year.  Travel, new outdoor hobbies/experiences, or time to lay back and read become options when school is out and the weather cooperates.  Claim the opportunity and do something different.  Try something new.  Read something different.  Go somewhere you have never been.
 
Summer Schedules – Avoid over programming your Summer.  Let the Summer invigorate you  not drain you of energy.  Pace yourself and end the Sumer more relaxed and healthier than when you began.
 
Summer Eating and Drinking – Lastly watch the diet.  It is very easy to stumble into eating more calories and drinking more alcohol than during the rest of the year.  Even if your weight does not show your over-indulging during the Summer, you may pay the price in the Fall.  As your activity decreases you may not slow down your eating and drinking.  That may be when the weight will begin to show.
 
Engage your clutch for these and other Summer activities and enjoy them.  Engage slowly, push yourself forward and when it is time to rest, disengage and let your foot off the gas.  Roll into Summer and enjoy yourself.  Celebrate the season with your body.

​A Calendar Journal
One way to help yourself into and through the Summer is simply to keep a calendar of your activities.  Write a one or two word description of you did on the date on a calendar by your bathroom mirror or at your bedside.  These words will help you be mindful of your pace and frequency of your activities.  This gentle reminder may prove invaluable as you look ahead and roll your way into a great Summer.

A Sun-safe Summer
 
Summer Health Hazards
 
Creating a  Family Summer Schedule