For the last few weeks I have been exploring some of the ways that we can take care of ourselves following a significant loss.  While we all grieve in different ways and in our own time, there are four tasks that many believe are vital to finding our way to the new normal on the other side of our grief.

William Worden, in his book Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy describes these four tasks.

First, accept the reality of the loss.  Many retreat into denial in order to protect themselves from the pain of the loss.  This is a helpful way to deal with the crush of emotions immediately following a death.  However, there comes a time when we need to step back into the reality of the unwelcome change that has taken over our life.  We do not need to like or embrace the loss, we simply need to be able to acknowledge that this loss has actually happened.

Second, work through the pain and grief.  Grief work is very hard.  The emotional baggage coupled with new stress caused by the loss makes it very difficult to allow the tears and anger to come out.  Many people cope with the loss by staying busy with other things.  Again, this is okay immediately following the death, but in the long term it prevents us from finding our way through the wilderness of grief.  Our emotions need to be expressed.  Certain tasks need to be accomplished with the funeral, estate issues, and taking care of daily living.  We need to learn that it is okay to cry because you will not cry forever.  The tears will end and the dawn will come.  Grief work allows us to get through this dark valley.

Third, adjust to a new environment.  Grief is our response to an unwelcome change.  This change forces us into a new way of life.  The old has passed away.  Ignoring the changes may help us for a short time.  But, there comes a time when we must reassess how our lives have been changed and find ways to meet the new challenges.  If we run into brick walls, we need to get help.  Talk with your financial consultant, doctor, friends, or neighbors to help you sort out this new world.

Last, find an enduring connection with the deceased while moving forward with life.  We do not say goodbye to the person at the time of death.  In many ways, that person still walks with us.  We may still hear their voice or feel their presence.  Certain sounds, sights, or smells may trigger memories.  We may even listen to their remembered words in difficult situations.  Their spirit is still part of our lives.  A last step toward finding that new life without their physical presence will be to discover ways to maintain that presence with us.  Some may keep pictures in prominent places.  Others may keep their favorite shirt or blouse within reach. We may donate to their favorite charity in lieu of a Christmas or birthday gift.  There are many other ways.  Find a way to help you maintain that relationship with the one you have lost.  That presence will make your transition to a new life a little easier.

Allow your grief to help you make your way through that lonesome valley.  May the pain move your forward and the remembering draw you into a new relationship with yourself and those around you as well as your loved one.

This week I do not have a tip so much as a challenge for those experiencing grief.  I challenge you to say and believe, “I am not a victim of grief!”  YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM OF GRIEF! 

A victim is someone who has experienced an overwhelming assault on their life over which they have no control in how they respond.  A victim is utterly powerless.  This experience sets in process a chain of beliefs and events that leads to debilitation and destruction of the personality.  You are not a victim.

If you have learned anything from these last few Self-Care Notes, you are not helpless.  You are more than a victim.   You do have some power in your loss.  You cannot control your feelings but you can control how you respond to them.  You cannot control the loss of your normal, but you do have power over the shaping of your new normal.

And, to take this one step further, do not look at your loss as a setback that has ruined your future.  Instead, begin to see your grief as a new opportunity to grow into the you that will emerge.  Your struggle with teach you how strong you are and the importance of having close friends and family.  You will learn resilience and new ways of coping with difficult circumstances.  You will likely learn to appreciate those around you even more than you do now.  Most importantly, you will come to see yourself more clearly and to accept that person you see each morning in the mirror.

Do not waste your hurt and pain on “being a victim” or squander it in self-pity.  Step into the new day that is around you and embrace the life you have.  “You is kind. You is smart. You is important.” (Kathryn Stockett, The Help)  Consider yourself challenged!

The Four Tasks of Grief

Beyond Self-victimization

Growing through Grief

During the Holidays, we are drawn away from our routine living.  But before these holidays come to a close, I invite you to step back and ask yourself, “Am I following the path with heart?”

These words are from Carlos Castaneda’s book The Teachings of Don Juan: A Yaqui Way of Knowledge) where he schools his young protégé on how to make a meaningful choice for his life by choosing the path with heart.

“Anything is one of a million paths. Therefore you must always keep in mind that a path is only a path; if you feel you should not follow it, you must not stay with it under any conditions. To have such clarity you must lead a disciplined life. Only then will you know that any path is only a path and there is no affront, to oneself or to others, in dropping it if that is what your heart tells you to do. But your decision to keep on the path or to leave it must be free of fear or ambition. I warn you. Look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many times as you think necessary.”

“This question is one that only a very old man asks. Does this path have a heart? All paths are the same: they lead nowhere. They are paths going through the bush, or into the bush. In my own life I could say I have traversed long long paths, but I am not anywhere. Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good; if it doesn't, it is of no use. Both paths lead nowhere; but one has a heart, the other doesn't. One makes for a joyful journey; as long as you follow it, you are one with it. The other will make you curse your life. One makes you strong; the other weakens you.”

“Before you embark on any path ask the question: Does this path have a heart? If the answer is no, you will know it, and then you must choose another path. The trouble is nobody asks the question; and when a man finally realizes that he has taken a path without a heart, the path is ready to kill him. At that point very few men can stop to deliberate, and leave the path. A path without a heart is never enjoyable. You have to work hard even to take it. On the other hand, a path with heart is easy; it does not make you work at liking it.”

Does your daily path draw you into your day?  Does it invite you to grow and explore and discover?  Is the path you are walking path filled with wonder and anticipation?  Does your path lead you to breathless moments?  When you find and walk your path with heart you are giving yourself the greatest gift of self-care.  You will come to celebrate your life.  Make it worth the trouble!  Walk your path with heart.

Don Juan counseled his young disciple to roll around on the floor until he found the right spot to begin his path with heart.  Your path with heart begins within your own heart, the very core of your being!  How do we find that inner place that tells us that this is the spot where our Path with Heart begins?

Questions for Rolling around in your own heart.

• What brings you joy?  Satisfaction?  A sense of accomplishment?  A good reason to get out of bed?
• What do you do that causes you to lose track of time?
• What did you love to do as a child?
• What do you want the first line of your obituary to say?
• Is there any dream or talent you really wanted to pursue but never felt like you had the opportunity?
• What have you sacrificed in order to make a living?
• What do your friends say that you are really good at doing?
• What makes your soul sing?
  

Sit with your answers and see if they suggest any particular path for your journey in the new year.

Finding Your Passion

When You Are Struggling Finding Your Passion

 Making a Career Change when You Do not Know What you Are Doing!

Most of us take our relationships for granted.  We describe them with the now hip phrase “It is what it is.”  We do not do much to intentionally care for them.  We may post a “Happy Birthday” on Facebook or send a card during the Holiday.  But mainly, we let them be what they are.  They grow or die as we go about living our lives focusing on other things.

This being said, I am closing this discussion about relationships and self-care by repeating what I said at the beginning.  While we cannot control most aspects of our relationships, we are accountable to ourselves and others with how we take care of ourselves in relationships.

Staying InTouch, InMind, and InSoul about our relationships allows us to take stock from time to time.  When we are busy with work or family, we may lose sight of the people on the margins of our lives.  Longtime friends may slip away.  Family members may become part of the background.  Even our close family and friends may step back into the shadows of our lives.  We may wake up one morning and find ourselves terribly alone, isolated, and yearning to sit with an old friend over a cup of coffee. There is a natural ebb and flow in most relationships, but when all our relationships seem to be slipping away it is time to spend some time and energy reclaiming those relationships that mean the most to us.

Draw folks into your circles, forgive and re-member them, cultivate your own soul awareness and capacity for empathy with them. 

Be InTouch.  Keep InMind.  Cultivate InSoul.

We will return to the first exercise we did with our relationships.  Return to your list of friends and family from your contacts and ask, once again, “How do they make you feel?”

Draw Three columns on a blank page and write “I need to be InTouch”, … InMind, or … InSoul at the head of each column.  Now go through your list and add each name to one of the columns. 

This will give you a plan for self-care over the next little while as you focus on tending to your relationships. When it comes to relationships, when we take care of each other we are also taking care of ourselves.

Growing Together, Not Apart

10 Ways Relationships Help Individuals Grow

Self-Care in Relationships

For the last four weeks I have been considering how weariness can take over our body-mind-soul.  Today I conclude our explorations of weariness with a word or two about preventative care. 

Weariness is not always self-inflicted.  When it arrives on the unyielding waves of grief or illness, we must respond well and just move through it.  But, when we become unwitting accomplices in our weariness, we can do something to prevent it.   

First, we need to recognize the signs that we are heading into weariness.  Have you experienced a major change in your life?  Have you noticed an increase in negative chatter in your soul?  Has it become a little more difficult to get going in the morning?  Are your friends asking you if you are feeling okay?  Each of these may be signs that there may be something going on under the surface of your day to day living.

Take some “mental health” time and talk with a trusted friend about this.  Listen carefully to yourself as you describe your experiences and then listen more carefully as they respond to you.  If, in fact, you suspect that you are just around the corner from weariness, read the Tips section below.  If you decide that you are just tired, spend some time assessing where you need to make some changes in your life. A little TLC can go a long way at this point.

Weariness may be part of life, but it is not intended to be a lifetime residence.  Remember, self-care is “Job One!”  You alone are responsible for your life.  Do the best you can to prepare for those life events that will bring weariness.  And stay in touch with your inner self so that you can feel when you are creeping up on weariness.  Be well, my friends.  You are a gift to yourself and the rest of us.  Take good care of yourself.

There are two things we need to do when we feel ourselves slipping into weariness.

First we need to Learn Our Limitations!  We all have them.  We can only run so far without a break.  We can only concentrate for so long without a little rest.  We can only offer care and compassion for so long without a bit of self-care.  Our body-mind-soul has a way of telling us we are approaching our limitations, pain.  As long as we remain aware of our pain we will generally avoid going past our limitations.  Unfortunately, many of us have taken to heart the words of the coach who screamed in our ear “No pain, no gain!”  We were taught to push through the pain if we wanted to excel.  But this is not a philosophy of life, it is a coaching technique.  Pain exists to tell us something is wrong.  We ignore it at our peril.  Listen to it and you will know and understand your limitations.  Listen to our limitations and we will avoid becoming mired in body-mind-soul weariness.

Second, we need to Recognize Our Human and Personal Exceptionalism!  Exceptionalism is the belief that we or our group is beyond special.  We believe that the rules or usual expectations do not apply to us.  Many of us in our youth lived as if we were immortal because we believed that the laws of physics did not apply to us.  As we aged we wanted to believe that the laws of aging did not apply as we tried to live as if we were 20 years old.  Many want to believe that because they have exceptional genes they can eat anything we want without consequences.  We all have something that we believe makes us the exception rather than the rule.  This exceptionalism can mask the pain and hide the consequences of our choices from our mind. Identify those beliefs and make them part of your self-inventory as you scan for signs of weariness.

When we learn to accept our limitations and let go of our exceptionalism we will be better prepared to see the preventable weariness coming on and take steps to avoid it.  In the same way, accepting our limitations and letting go of our exceptionalism will take away many of the unknowns that surround those inevitable moments of weariness and allow us to move forward with our healing.

Be well, my friends.

(I will be on vacation the week of October 24th and will not be sending out a Self-Care Note.  Talk with you on Halloween!)

“Self-Care for the Greying Goddess”

Accepting Limitations

Personal Exceptionalism in Recovery – Focused on Alcoholism but applies more generally as well.

My Mother had great plans for me.  My earliest memories of my Mom are at the old upright piano in our living room.  She would play and I would sing.  She always wanted me to become a musician and for her that meant learning to play the piano.

I went through several piano teachers while growing up.  I learned to play with both hands, but not at the same time.  My Mother had the same solution to the problem every time I came home from a lesson.  It was a word that sounded like fingernails on a black board.  “Practice!  Practice!  Practice!”  I still cringe when I hear those words.

Unfortunately, I did not listen.  But 50 years later, I have learned something from it.  “Just because it was your mother who said it, does not make it wrong!”

When our lives are going well and we are not stressed or tired or bored, we tend to let our healthy disciplines slip a bit.  We may back off the exercise or eat that extra cookie.  We may push ourselves harder than necessary.  But the disciplines that help us become healthy require regular practice in order to keep us healthy. 

Practice! Practice! Practice!

Healthy Discipline is a learned and well-practiced behavior.  It may not take the intense practice that is required when we are learning a discipline or skill, but it does need to be practiced on a less frequent but routine basis.

This requires that we;

·      recognize that the discipline is important,

·      commit ourselves to maintaining it, and

·      then actually do it. 

Recognize – Commit – Do it!  Sounds simple.  But as you already know, it isn’t!

When all is well, make time to care for yourself.  Tough times will come.  By having a well-practiced routine for self-care, you will find your path back to wellness a little less steep.

“Practice! Practice! Practice!”

A self-care calendar will help you get into the routine of whatever disciplines help you stay healthy.  By placing them on the calendar, you are assuming responsibility for and regulating the frequency and duration of your self-care. 

Schedule a time for your weekly or bi-weekly run/walk.  Set aside time for you to read a book or spend time surfing Wikipedia.  Find a place in your week for time to take that long bath or quite time in your favorite chair.  Whatever discipline helps you say healthy, make an entry on your calendar.

Also, recognize that stuff happens and you may not be able to get to it at the appointed time.  If you are using a digital calendar, simply drag and drop the event to a new time and place in that week.  If you find yourself dragging and dropping the same even over and over, perhaps you need to e-examine that discipline.  You may have lost your heart for it and need to find a new one that will serve the same purpose.

Regardless, by placing your self-care disciplines on a calendar, you are taking responsibility for your own self-care.  You can keep them current and fresh.  You will know when they have gone stale and can change them.  You are taking control of and responsible to yourself for your health. 

May you “Live long and prosper.”

7 Discipline Mastering Practices

Using Your iPhone Calendar

The Origins of “Live Long and Prosper”

Whenever I have a conversation about self-care, I fear that I am leaving the impression that self-care is all about the “me.”  While it does lean heavily upon each of us taking personal responsibility for our self-care, it is not a solo task.    Calling it self-care may be misleading.   It may be about the self, but it is never me alone. 

Back in the 1980’s I watched a British Comedy called “The Good Neighbors.”  It was a series about Tom and Barbara’s attempt to escape the rat race and become wholly self-sufficient.  Today we call it going “off the grid.”  They lived in suburbia but converted their home and yard into a farm.  They generated their own electricity from the methane that was distilled from the farm waste.  They grew their own food and fiber.  But, even with all their desire to be self-sufficient, they needed their neighbors, Margo and Jerry.  The story was about the tension between self-sufficiency and staying in relationships with other people.

Being an island to ourselves is contrary to the human experience.  Relationships provide us with life energy when our own begins to fade.  Our companions offer us a mirror in which we can see ourselves through trusted eyes.  They provide the human touch that reminds us that we are of value.  They offer a listening ear that reminds us that we have a story to share.  They reassure us when our hope ebbs.  Companions surround us with the “ether of life” in which we live, and move, and have our being.  Companion comes from two Latin words that mean, with –bread.  Companions are those with whom we break the bread of life each day.

When we are prone to giving up on ourselves, our companions say, “Not so fast!”  When we do not have the energy to get out of bed, a companion says, “Meet me for breakfast!”  When our mind and soul simply cannot risk another disappointment, a companion walks with us into the fray.

If we are going to do good self-care, it is vital that we surround ourselves with companions who will be there, no matter what.  They will give us the little energy we need to climb the next hill and celebrate the view from the top.  To quote the Beatles (and Joe Cocker), “We all need a little help from our friends!”

 When you feel stuck and have a bad case of the “Don’t Wannas”, take a little stroll through your contact list or address book.

Pay attention to the people that cause you to linger on their name.  Listen for their voice.  Image their face.  Remember your last conversation with them.  How did they make your feel?  Does remembering fill your soul with a little desire to keep on going?  Did they bring a little light to you as you cowered behind the barricades of shame, weariness, anger, or despair?

Make a note in your contact list or address book about these folks.  When you encounter one of the barriers we have been discussing these last few weeks, make an effort to see one them.  They can make you feel good about who you are.  They are your companions.  Seek them out and let them be who they are, your friend!

The Value of a Friend

The Value of Friendship

Making Friends

We cannot avoid all stress.  In fact, stress comes in handy when our lives need a little extra energy to get through a tough time.  But, small doses of stress are generally sufficient.  Therefore, we do need to learn how to manage our stress.

Many years ago, my Doctor saw that I was showing many of the signs of accumulated stress.  My pulse and blood pressure was too high.  I had a short temper and complained of being tired all the time.  The doctor conducted all the usual tests and sat me down and prescribed to important treatments.  First, he suggested I put my watch in the dresser drawer and leave it there.  Second, he said that I needed to take smaller steps when I was heading somewhere.  He rightly understood that most stress is “self-inflicted” and the remaining is magnified by the choices we make in response to it. 

I began doing some time management and found that I was obsessed with being early for every appointment.  I put pressure on myself to get stuff done according to the clock.  This created more anxiety than it relieved and amplified my stress when that “stuff happens” that throws the schedule out the window.  Learning to live by something other than the clock helped reduce some of my stress.  But, it was not until I noticed that I was running everywhere that I began to feel the difference.  Smaller steps represented a life that was more paced to the needs of life rather than my desires for efficiency and serving the clock.  By recognizing how I was stressing myself out, I learned to use the greatest of all stress remedies, a simple “No.”

Go ahead and keep a schedule if you need one.  Schedules help us set priorities for our time.  Consolidate all of your calendars to one place so that you can see when you are overbooked.  Keep an active to do list to help you keep up with the details.   But until we learn to say no to that which is of less importance, none of these will reduce our stress. 

Establish you own boundaries according to the way you prioritize your life and then do not be afraid to say “No”.  Say no to those things that do not serve the things about which you are most passionate.  Leave room for saying “Yes” to those things that are more important to you.  Leave room in your life for that which brings you joy and satisfaction.  If you cannot say “No” to the clutter in your schedule, your calendar, or your to do list you will continue to suffer from self-inflicted stress.

Accept responsibility for your stress and “Just say no!”

Are My Boundaries Real or Imagined

Your tip for the week is to do a simple exercise.  Write down the 10 most important things that you do in a week.  Then, prioritize them from 1-10 with 1 being the most important to you.  At the end of the week, take a look at your just complete schedule, calendar, and to do list and ask yourself these questions.

How well do my accomplishments this week reflect the priorities I set?

How well do the things that did not get done reflect my priorities?

How do I feel about telling myself “no”?  Telling my family “no”?  Telling my friends “no”?  Telling my employer/customers “no”? 

Now step back and ask yourself, are my boundaries real or imagined?  How can I better manage the stress in my life?

Managing Daily Stress

Setting Personal Boundaries

The Power of No

All of us have those things that just set us off.  We used to call them buttons and some folks always seemed to know where they were.  But, they are more like triggers that set off a near automatic response for us.  For some, money problems stir up a host of insecurities.  An unkind word from a friend can trigger an instant word of retaliation.  The car that cuts you off in traffic triggers a cascade of words you would rather not speak in the presence of your Grandmother.  They are general, ordinary, daily events that have become very significant for us.  This significance causes us to overreact to them without much thought.

Unfortunately, we are usually less aware of our stressors than those around us.  Our husband or wife, family members, or good friends usually have a better idea of the things that set us off.  They have learned to duck when they see them coming.  We, however, often remain quite unaware of these triggers.  They seem very natural to us.

The danger is not only the outbursts of anger or shame that they trigger.  They add to the stress in our lives by piling on one more straw.  The stress may grow imperceptibly at first, but it will continue to accumulate unless we take some measures to relieve it throughout the day.

There are several signs that we are allowing this stress to accumulate under the radar in our life.  Do we seem to have less control over your emotions as the day goes on?  Do you feel the tension growing in your lower back, shoulders, neck, head, or stomach as the day moves forward?  Do you struggle to keep your attention and focus throughout the day?  Do you find yourself irritable when you finally get home and take it out on those around you?  Do you struggle to let go of the day when you lay your head on your pillow?

These are signs that the stressors in your life may be slipping in un-noticed throughout the day.  They are triggering changes in your mind-body-soul and only become evident when the weight becomes more than your spirit can bear.    

Take a daily Spiritual Health break to let off some of the stress before it accumulates.  These little activities allow us to short-circuit the stressors.  They will not make all the stress go away, but they will allow us some measure of control over how much we will carry with us through the day.

• Take a walk
• Spend some time outside
• Enjoy a quiet cup of herbal tea
• Take a few minutes to call or text your significant other or close friend
• Close your eyes and listen to your own breathing
• Spend a few minutes in prayer or meditation
• Read a chapter or two of a favorite book
• Watch the clouds (Or listen to the rain.)
• Enjoy lunch with a friend
  

Take care of yourself.  You are a gift to those around you.

Dealing with Daily Stressors

Cumulative Stress

The Importance of Daily Breaks

This week we are exploring the importance of discipline in self-care.  This can be an uncomfortable topic.  It reminds us that we have to do spiritually healthy practices.  That little word “do” can be a big pain in the patooty!  We must do things consistently over time if we are going to develop the good habits that help us to be healthy in mind, body, and soul. 

We develop some very unhealthy habits in our body, mind, and soul.  Those of us who habitually eat unhealthily and ignore regular exercise pay the price in our body.  Those of us who habitually “beat ourselves up” with regrets or “pump up” our ego with false humility do great damage to our souls.  Those who refuse to learn and think for themselves handicap their mind.  These habits have developed over time and few of us intended to be in the shape we are in.  We may not believe it is possible to be any other way.  And when we hear that we have to discipline our ourselves into doing things that may not be comfortable, we may give up on self-care entirely and just let “nature” take its course.

But good self-care is very much like learning to drive a car, especially a standard shift.  It takes practice.  The mind has to be able to remember all the rules and make decisions based on the situation.  At the same time, the body has to be aware of all the things around the car, monitoring the gauges while pushing on the right pedal at the right time, and turning the steering wheel to stay on the road.  All of this has to be done while our soul is screaming, “Don’t kill us!” or “Be careful and don’t scratch the car.”  

But when we practice driving, our mind learns to focus on what it needs to at the moment.  Practice helps the eyes know where to look and the foot to understand how much pressure to apply.  Practice helps the soul to calm down and “enjoy the ride.”  It requires a great deal of disciplined practice to develop the muscle memory, the mind memory, and the soul memory to drive well.  The same can be said for self-care.  If we develop the discipline to practice it well, we will develop a memory in our mind, body, and soul that allows us to live well.

All of the tips that you will read about each week are intended to help your mind, body, or soul learn a new way of healthier living.  They may help your mind discover and hold on to insights that resist negative thoughts about yourself or the world.   They may help your body become better at relaxing and letting go of the tension that erodes your joy.  They may assist your soul in developing the inner eye of gratitude so that find youself surrounded by beauty and blessings of all kinds.

A disciplined approach to Self-Care allows us to reduce our anxiety and provide room for patience to grow.  It reminds us that catastrophes seldom happen so that we can develop more resilience to our disappointments. Practiced discipline calms our soul and allows us to resist the stress that comes with a “fight or flight” response.

I invite you to develop a disciplined approach to your self-care.  Do what needs to be done, even if the benefits are not felt immediately.  Stay with it and soon you will discover that you can not only “drive well” but may actually start “enjoying the ride!”

Bob

The tip for this week is a simple but very powerful way of developing discipline in your self-care.  If you own an iPhone download the iPause App.  If you own an Android download the Finger Labyrinth HD App,  (There are links to both in the FYI section.)

These Apps provide you with a choice of labyrinths that you can trace with your finger.  Like the very ancient practice of walking a Labyrinth, this helps our mind to still the inner chatter and the body to find some quiet time.  By using this app throughout the day, you will be able to develop a sense of the power of discipline to amplify the effects of the activity.  It will become easier to find that quiet moment as you become more practiced at tracing the labyrinth. 

It, like most other exercises, will help you discover that even small changes can reap great benefits when done in a consistent and disciplined manner.  After you do this a few times you will be tempted to forget about it. I urge you to STAY WITH IT.  Resist the temptation to lay it aside.  Within a week you will begin to feel the effects as they accumulate.  You should feel it easier to become more centered and focused.  You should begin to get a glimmer of the strength of the practiced, firm but gentle hand as you apply yourself to self-care.

Enjoy!

Get the iPause App

Get the Finger Labyrinth HD (Android)

Wikipedia on The Labyrinth

The Importance of Discipline in Life

Self-care is all about the self.  We are always the main character in this little drama of self-care.  The leading player is always me, myself, and I.  Self-care cannot be delegated to a spouse, friend, parent, or religious leader.  If it is to occur, we must be able to step-up and accept our role in taking care of ourselves.  In short, it means we must be accountable to ourselves for the health of our mind, body, and soul.
 
Accountability means we are answerable to someone.  In spiritual health, the first step toward accountability is to acknowledge that we need to answer to ourselves.  We need to accept responsibility for our actions.  If we are miserable we may not be the cause of this dis-ease but we are the only person who can change the situation.  We are responsible because we are the only person who has enough control to be able to respond.  We are answerable to ourselves for ourselves.
 
Many years ago I heard a presentation on Turtles and Skunks.  Turtles are folks who crawl inside their shells to avoid difficulty.  They tend to blame themselves for everything that happens.  Whereas, Skunks share every feeling they ever have with those around them.  They tend to blame their problems on everyone else.  All of us have a little turtle and a little skunk in our soul.  In Self-care, we need to be able to accept our inner turtle and our inner skunk. 
 
This means we must learn to recognize our “turtleness” and our “skunkness” for what it is.  And accept that while we cannot control the circumstances, we do have responsibility for how we respond to situations.  If we are unhappy or dissatisfied, we cannot blame it all on others.  Nor do we need to believe it is all our fault.  We can step away from our blaming.  We can change those things in our life that are within our realm of control.  And we can let go of what is outside of our control. 
 
Self-care is the on-going process of accepting responsibility for our own sense of joy/hope, love/trust in life.  It is being accountable to ourselves for changing the things we can and letting go of the things that are beyond our control.  May you find your character in your life’s play to be filled with great lines and wonderful co-stars!

Bob
 

Pay attention to your internal dialogue for a week.
 On your phone open a note and write “Turtle” and “Skunk” on it.  When you feel a blaming coming on, open the note and place a 1 under one or the other depending on whether you are turtling or skunking.  At the end of the week tally up the points. 
If your numbers are skewed toward one or the other you might want to check this out with a close, trusted friend.  Ask them if this sounds like you.  Listen carefully to their observations.  More often than not, they will see things more clearly than you can. 
 
Then spend some time with yourself and ask yourself why you might tend to be turtling or skunking more.  How does your blame game feed into any struggles you may be having?  How does your blaming keep you from accepting responsibility for your own joy and hope, love and trust? 
 
This exercise can help you learn something valuable about yourself.  If you learn well and accept responsibility for it, you may just discover a new you struggling to be born.

Accepting Personal Responsibility
 
Thoughts on Personal Responsibility 
 
How to Accept Responsibility for Yourself
 
Thoughts on Accepting Personal Responsibility