While grief may touch the body and soul, it is felt most profoundly within the soul.  The soul, as the seat of emotion and will, can completely shut down when grief strikes.  In the immediate aftermath of a big loss, it is quite common for the soul to feel numb or nothing!  The soul is protecting itself from the shock and the mind follows suit with denying that the death even happened.  The body gears up to fight or run away.  But, they are all serving our human will that is unable to process the experience of loss that we have just experienced.

With time, however, the soul becomes better able to accept that the loss has, in fact, happened.  50 years ago Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified several common experiences of grief with dying patients.  (People later misidentified these as stages.)  Kubler-Ross listed them as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  These common experiences occur and reoccur in a seemingly random order throughout a person’s grief experience which may last much longer than they anticipated.

When these common experiences come on suddenly, they are called “griefquakes.”  These may be triggered by a smell or sight that reminds you of the person.  It could come in the middle of the night or in the middle of a meeting.  While they are more common early in grief, they can occur at any time, even years later.  They remind us that we have been touched by the unwelcome loss of someone we loved deeply.  We may begin to worry that we are crazy and find great comfort in knowing that we are just grieving.

How long does our grief last?  It is over when it is over.  Even when we are able to return to our daily routine and our first thought in the morning is no longer about the one we have lost, there may still be that lingering sense of loss and longing.  It is not unusual for that feeling to become an undercurrent for the rest of our lives.

If we love, it is very likely that we will grieve.  Grieving is our spirit’s response to the unwelcome changes brought by the loss of someone we love very deeply.  (BTW, we also grieve the loss of situations and things to the extent that we invest ourselves in them.)  When the soul is caught in grief, it is essential that we take care of ourselves.  Grief will not be ignored.  We can bury it but it will rise again.  Take care of your soul when it is grieving.

I have two suggestions for those whose soul is struggling with grief.

First, lower your expectations of “getting over it” and allow yourself to feel your hurt.  As the old song tells us, that lonesome valley must be walked.  The only way to deal with the pain is to walk through it, coping as best you can.  Some days will be easier than others which is where the “Roller Coaster Rule” kicks in.  I do not like roller coasters.  I do not like going high, fast, or in circles.  However, there have been times when the ride was unavoidable.  I have learned that when I am climbing up and getting ready to “fall off the world” I tell myself “Ain’t gonna last long.  Ain’t gonna last long!”  And, when I reach the bottom, I breathe and say, “Ahhhh….”  When the griefquakes come remember that it is still grief and that it will pass.  And on the good days, breathe and feel gratitude for the day.  Do not expect these moments to stop until they do.  Be patient with your grief.

Second, find ways to stay connected to the person you have lost.  For some this may mean having a conversation with a picture of your beloved.  Others may have a pillow case sewn out of an article of clothing worn by your loved one.  Some folks light a candle on the loved ones’ birthday and send in a donation to a favorite charity in their honor. 

My mother died in 1997.  One of the things I miss most were our late night/early morning conversations around her old dining room table where we both drank iced Lipton’s Instant Sweet Tea with lemon.  From time to time, even 20 years later, I will order some sweet tea and add some lemon and just remember.  In the most important ways she remains with me and always will.

Find ways to stay connected with the person you have lost.  Because they are not really lost.  They remain with you in the most important way.  They continue to speak to your soul!

Grief and the Soul

Coping with Grief

Grief, Bereavement, and Mourning

Following a significant loss, many people find themselves in a fog.  They struggle to concentrate.  Words are difficult.  Memories seem to bubble up from the depths.  Reasoning becomes very difficult.  Our minds are as profoundly affected by our grief as our body and soul. There is something very real about not making major, life-changing decisions in the first year after losing a spouse.  The fog of grief does not generally lead to good decisions.

Grief has a way of taking over our thoughts.  Everything revolves around the loss we have experienced.  In this moment, our grief demands everything from us.  We cannot imagine a time when our grief will be any easier to bear.  Long-term financial decisions are made with the short-term need to get through our grief.  Long-term relationship decisions may be made with the need to fill the void created by the loss.  The immediacy of grief can lead to poor choices for long-term needs.

But even beyond reasoning about the future, grief has a way of profoundly changing our memories of the past.  Grief cause the “If Onlys…” to erode the comfort we receive through our memories.   In remembering precious moments with the one we lost, we may start playing “Woulda’, Coulda’, Shoulda’.”  In remembering a special moment, a thought rises from our grief that says, “I coulda’” done this.  When looking back on a medical decision we made for our loved one we beat ourselves up with “I shoulda’” done that.  Regret that rises out of grief transforms the very memories that could be sources of comfort into moments of pain and sorrow.  Regret transforms remembering into guilt and anger.

Grief makes it very difficult to reason and to remember, to decide and to accept.  Self-care of the mind is essential during our time of grief.

Cut Yourself some Slack – Acknowledge that you may not be operating at your best and cut yourself some slack. Find a trusted friend to help you sort out which decisions must be made and which could wait.  Put off those that do not absolutely have to be made right now.  For those that must be made, listen carefully to several advisors and do your best.  But recognize that you may not be ready and could make a mistake.  Cut yourself some slack.

Remember with Gratitude -- When those memories rise up from within, focus on the good that they bring to your moment of hurt.  Remember each experience with gratitude.  If the moment you saw your loved in bed as they were taking their final breaths, do not let the regrets take over.  Focus on how their face was a peace as they rested comfortably.  If a funny moment from years before rises up, do not allow your mind to focus on the regret over not hearing them laugh.  Instead offer a thank you for the moment that you shared and leave it there, in gratitude.  Allow gratitude to salve the hurt and help you through the regrets that may occur from time to time.  Regrets do not solve anything when changes can no longer me made.  Let them float away on a river of gratitude.

Grief Brain

Grief and Major Decisions

Grief and Regret

We tend to think of grief as an emotional response.  And, because emotions cannot be controlled, we fear that our grief can “get away” from us and we will lose control.  But grief is not simply an emotional response to an unwelcome change.  It touches our whole lives, including our body. It effects the way that we act upon the world around us. 

The good news is that we do have some measure of control over it.  We cannot make it go away, but we can exert control over how we express and respond to it.  This is especially true of the physical experiences of grief. 

Our bodies may experience grief in several ways.

Tiredness – Grief demands a great deal of energy from us.  If you have ever had to spend time in an extremely uncomfortable social setting, then you know how tiring it can be.  Being constantly on guard against the waves of grief that wash over us or simply trying to hide our feelings from the world can wear us out.  We use up our reserve energy with a trip to the grocery store or bank.  When we place out heads on our pillows at night we may be too exhausted to sleep.  Thus, we may live each day in constant need of a good long nap!

Disruption of Sleep and Eating Patterns – We may experience a significant change in our sleep and eating patterns.  We may eat and sleep more or eat and sleep less.  We may eat for comfort or sleep to get away from our thoughts.  Or, we may not want to eat at all. We tell ourselves that we are just not hungry.  We may also spend every night wide awake and then struggle to stay away during the day.  Grief is a profound disturbance in our lives and our bodies may try different ways of coping with the emotions and challenges that come with our unwelcome loss.  This may include our eating and sleeping habits.

Lowered Resistance to Disease – More and more literature is suggesting that grief, as a type of stress response, has a subtle but powerful effect on our immunity to disease.  As our bodies become more tired and our eating and sleeping patterns change, we may find ourselves catching a cold for the first time in 20 years.  The chemical changes within the body may make us more vulnerable to the ordinary, garden variety of virus around us.  We may become more likely to have stomach or intestinal problems.   According to some authorities, grief can literally make you sick.

With these physical changes that may come with our grief, self-care demands that we do our best to reduce our risk.  This is where we have some measure of control which I will cover in the tips section to follow.  We cannot control the ebb and flow of the feelings of loss or sadness or loneliness.  But we can do something about how they act upon our body.  We can reduce our vulnerability to tiredness, poor eating or sleeping, and disease.  When we grieve, we are not simply victims.  We can become agents for healing in our journey through grief. 

Rest Well – The key to a good night’s rest is in allowing the body, mind, and soul time to decompress and be ready for sleep.  When grief interferes with this, it becomes more difficult that we have trouble getting to or staying sleep and we end up napping during the day.  One tip for getting past this is by establishing a routine before bed.  Try to follow the same routine every night for a couple of weeks and see if it helps you get to sleep.  Avoid snacks and liquids before bedtime.  Avoid exercise or spending time on your phone or iPad before bed.  Listening to music or reading can be helpful for some folks.  Finally, resist the temptation to sleep during the day.  Stay active during the day and your sleep pattern should return to something more normal

Eat Well – Many are prone to either binge eating for comfort or losing their appetite.  Force yourself to eat 3 – 5 smalls meals a day.  Avoid overly starchy or highly processed foods like junk food.  Eat simple meals with healthy portions of fat, protein, and starch.  Eat whole grains, fresh fruit, and nuts.  By eating smaller meals more often the craving for snacks will not be as strong.  Many find it helpful to enjoy at least 1-2 meals a day with someone else.

Exercise Well – A short walk will help your body relax and release you from the bondage of your grief, at least temporarily.  These are not strenuous exercises, but simply keeping your body active.  Take the elevator for two floors up and three floors down.  Leave the car in the garage for a quick trip to the neighborhood store.  When shopping make a few extra laps of the store.  Rather than sitting and watching TV after supper, take a quick walk around the block.

Protect Yourself from Infections – Be aware of your environment when you are out.  Avoid areas where you will be brought into close contact with people who may be sneezing and coughing.  While this is not always possible, limit your exposure as much as you can.  Wash your hands frequently and follow with an alcohol disinfectant cleanser.  Watching your diet and exercise will also help your immune system stay vigilant.

Each of these tips are good for any time.  But when we are weakened by our grief they can be lifesavers.  Take good care of yourself.  You may be sad and lonely now, but you have a life to live.  Help yourself discover that you are not a victim of grief.  You have choices that can improve your life even while you grieve.

Physical Signs of Grief

64 Tips for Working Out and Eating Well While Grieving

Grief and Illness

Many people approach grief as a disease that attacks the human soul.  They see it as abnormal. Something that is to be fought and defeated.  They see grief as something to get over, to resolve so that we can get on with our lives.  I do not agree.

Grief is the expected and perfectly normal response to an unwelcome change in our lives.  We certainly grieve over the loss of a spouse or child.  But we also grieve over the loss of a job or our health.  Grief is the way human spirit responds to an unwelcome change in our lives, particularly when that change is caused by a significant loss.

Some traditions argue that grief is caused by being attached to people, things, or situations.  And, they are quite right.  We only grieve the loss of that which we love.  One way to avoid grief is to not form any attachments.  However, most of us would rather live in relationships knowing that they may lead to grief.  In this sense, when we choose to love, we also choose to risk grief.

For the next few weeks we will be exploring ways to take care of ourselves especially when we grieve.  We will explore the profound impact that grief has on our body, mind, and soul.  Coping with grief is a life skill that develops as we find what works for us. 

There are no stages of grief.  Everyone grieves in their own way.  Our grief can be as unique as a finger print.  However, there are some things we can do to help us cope with the unwelcome journey through our grief.  For some losses, the grief will recede deep into the background of our lives.  For others, the grief will remain much closer to the surface of our daily living.  The goal is not to “resolve or defeat” our grief.  It is to learn to cope with it so that we can live a “new normal” in which the grief will play a manageable role.

I invite you to consider your grief as we explore ways to help you cope with the changes it brings to your body, mind, and soul.  I hope you will find your own way to “grieve well” for the losses that come to your life.

We are not always aware that the things that are happening to us are grief or something else.  I have been asked many, many times by someone during a loss “Am I crazy?”  They want to explain the tiredness, the lack of mental focus, the anger at themselves or their loved one with something that makes sense. 

“I must be crazy?” 

“It is that crazy brother of mine that is making me so angry.” 

“I was not this sad when I lost my Dad.  There has to be something else going on.”

But, in every case, these were simply the signs that the person was grieving a particular loss.

Therefore, our first tip this week is to help us identify when we are grieving.

1.     Have you experienced an unwelcome change in your life that has forced you to change the way you live?  If so you are likely in grief.

2.     Do you find yourself experiencing a longing for someone or something that brings waves of sadness?

3.     Are you isolating yourself from family or friends because you just do not feel like being around people right now?

4.     Are you having problems concentrating on something for any length of time?

5.     Has your eating or sleeping habits changed dramatically?

6.     Is the first thought each morning about your loss or unwelcome change?

7.     Are you upset or angry with yourself for not being able to handle your emotions?

If you have three or more of numbers 2-7 but cannot remember an unwelcome change, then you may want to look harder.  Sometimes, our grief can be delayed for weeks, months, or even years.  We may have been so busy burying our grief in work or other ways of coping that we have put it off until now.  When it finally surfaces, it can be as if the change just happened.  So, look back and ask yourself if you have ever worked through any losses in your recent or even distant past.  If you cannot find the unwelcome change, I suggest you seek out a professional to help you begin your unwelcome journey through your grief. 

What is grief?

Signs of Grief

Delayed Grief