Many of us find ourselves mind-weary during the holidays. We may experience all kinds of memories, both troubling and comforting. We work to keep up with endless to do lists along with a process for what needs to happen next. We may confront larger issues like who we are and why we do what we do. We may simply stress out trying to keep our shopping lists, budgets, and calendars on track. Mind-weariness can cause difficulty sleeping, making decisions, and dealing with confusion.
This weariness generally revolves around the three “R’s” of celebrating the holidays; rituals, relationships, and rememberings.
Rituals – Almost every family has a certain set of things that it does every year during the holidays. We usually call them family traditions. These may include activities and recipes. A couple of years ago I saw a picture of my Mom and Dad sitting at their dining room table in the mid 1960’s. I could identify every dish on the table because we had most of them on our table last Christmas. These rituals serve as a vital part of the holidays and when we change them, we begin to feel stress. These rituals allow us to get into the flow of meaning of the holidays. They help us connect the dots between what we understand about the season and embrace it once again. Unfortunately, there are times when they must be changed. As I diabetic I have had to say good bye to several recipes on the holiday table. When we change the ritual, we fear losing the meaning. Can it really be Christmas without Pecan Pie? We are easily wearied by having unwelcome and unwanted changes to our rituals.
Relationships – Another important part of celebrating is getting together with our “family’ whether we share DNA or not. These reflect life-long or long-term relationships that remind us who we were, who we are, and suggest where we are heading. They help us connect the dots of our “tribe” along with our place in it. In our Children and Grandchildren’s faces we are reminded of who we once were. In the faces of our friends we see ourselves as they see us, as we are. And in the faces of our parents and older siblings we see ourselves as we will be. When this happens in the context of the holidays, we have the opportunity to find forgiveness/acceptance, support/companionship, and hope/destiny. However, when these opportunities are lost, and we may find ourselves in self-recrimination, isolation, and despair. The holidays become a horribly stressful burden. The meaning of the holiday is changed and we may become overwhelmed with these painful relationships. It is just too tiring to “smile” our way through another Christmas some folks.
Rememberings – A source of mind-weariness during the holidays revolves around our rememberings. These are more than simple memories. Re-membering is establishing a re-connection with the stories of ourselves and those around us. It is not simply a quiet memory that comes and goes. It is an active engagement with the story that has real-time effects in our lives. These rememberings transport us back to being that child who could not go to sleep on Christmas Eve. When we place that special handmade ornament on the tree, we re-member the little hands that cut it out and glued the glitter on it. When the lights are passed from one candle to the other, we are re-membered with other Christmas Eve’s and other moments when the story came alive. Remembering allows us to rediscover our self in our story. However, mind weariness can begin to accumulate when that story is poisoned by grief, re-membered abuse, or we feel that our memories are empty compared to others re-membering.
We all want the perfect holiday where the rituals, relationships, and rememberings combine to bring us comfort, joy, and peace. However, such perfect holidays are elusive. Each of these elements will be sources of discomfort, anxiety, and disappointment as well. Self-care of the mind can help us grow through and into a meaningful holiday experience.
This weariness generally revolves around the three “R’s” of celebrating the holidays; rituals, relationships, and rememberings.
Rituals – Almost every family has a certain set of things that it does every year during the holidays. We usually call them family traditions. These may include activities and recipes. A couple of years ago I saw a picture of my Mom and Dad sitting at their dining room table in the mid 1960’s. I could identify every dish on the table because we had most of them on our table last Christmas. These rituals serve as a vital part of the holidays and when we change them, we begin to feel stress. These rituals allow us to get into the flow of meaning of the holidays. They help us connect the dots between what we understand about the season and embrace it once again. Unfortunately, there are times when they must be changed. As I diabetic I have had to say good bye to several recipes on the holiday table. When we change the ritual, we fear losing the meaning. Can it really be Christmas without Pecan Pie? We are easily wearied by having unwelcome and unwanted changes to our rituals.
Relationships – Another important part of celebrating is getting together with our “family’ whether we share DNA or not. These reflect life-long or long-term relationships that remind us who we were, who we are, and suggest where we are heading. They help us connect the dots of our “tribe” along with our place in it. In our Children and Grandchildren’s faces we are reminded of who we once were. In the faces of our friends we see ourselves as they see us, as we are. And in the faces of our parents and older siblings we see ourselves as we will be. When this happens in the context of the holidays, we have the opportunity to find forgiveness/acceptance, support/companionship, and hope/destiny. However, when these opportunities are lost, and we may find ourselves in self-recrimination, isolation, and despair. The holidays become a horribly stressful burden. The meaning of the holiday is changed and we may become overwhelmed with these painful relationships. It is just too tiring to “smile” our way through another Christmas some folks.
Rememberings – A source of mind-weariness during the holidays revolves around our rememberings. These are more than simple memories. Re-membering is establishing a re-connection with the stories of ourselves and those around us. It is not simply a quiet memory that comes and goes. It is an active engagement with the story that has real-time effects in our lives. These rememberings transport us back to being that child who could not go to sleep on Christmas Eve. When we place that special handmade ornament on the tree, we re-member the little hands that cut it out and glued the glitter on it. When the lights are passed from one candle to the other, we are re-membered with other Christmas Eve’s and other moments when the story came alive. Remembering allows us to rediscover our self in our story. However, mind weariness can begin to accumulate when that story is poisoned by grief, re-membered abuse, or we feel that our memories are empty compared to others re-membering.
We all want the perfect holiday where the rituals, relationships, and rememberings combine to bring us comfort, joy, and peace. However, such perfect holidays are elusive. Each of these elements will be sources of discomfort, anxiety, and disappointment as well. Self-care of the mind can help us grow through and into a meaningful holiday experience.
TIPS
The mind is an integral part of our capacity for sorting out and making our lives mean something. It helps us see our experiences in such a way that we can learn and grow through them. Whether the experiences are positive or negative, the mind can help us find something of value within them. The key to celebrating the holidays is to find the meaning in our rituals, relationships, and rememberings.
Do not simply go through the motions. As you engage the rituals allow the memories and people who are brought to mind to speak to you. Engage them in conversation. Let them share, once again, the “reason for the season.” Let the rituals, relationships, and remembering come alive.
Recognize that the past is the past. It can suggest who we were and offer insights into how we got to where we are. But well-worn rituals, relationships, and rememberings are not the same as the present. In this holiday season, allow your rituals to adapt to new realities. Allow your relationships to continue to grow through new experiences. Allow your experiences to become the content for future rememberings. Accept responsibility for your present circumstances and find joy in them but do not be afraid to leave behind those that cause you mind weariness.
Finally, remind yourself that in many ways we are still children living in expectation of something very special during this time of year. However, embrace that expectation with a broader understanding that not every gift is expected or welcomed. Recognize that often our greatest gifts come in the wrapping of disappointment, sadness, and deep yearning. Celebrating the holidays often means unwrapping those gifts and looking for the treasure within.
Engage your holidays, accept responsibility for your celebrations, and unwrap every gift whether welcomed or not. In doing so you will find new meaning and purpose and make any weariness the result of a well-traveled road through the holidays.
Blessings,
Bob
Do not simply go through the motions. As you engage the rituals allow the memories and people who are brought to mind to speak to you. Engage them in conversation. Let them share, once again, the “reason for the season.” Let the rituals, relationships, and remembering come alive.
Recognize that the past is the past. It can suggest who we were and offer insights into how we got to where we are. But well-worn rituals, relationships, and rememberings are not the same as the present. In this holiday season, allow your rituals to adapt to new realities. Allow your relationships to continue to grow through new experiences. Allow your experiences to become the content for future rememberings. Accept responsibility for your present circumstances and find joy in them but do not be afraid to leave behind those that cause you mind weariness.
Finally, remind yourself that in many ways we are still children living in expectation of something very special during this time of year. However, embrace that expectation with a broader understanding that not every gift is expected or welcomed. Recognize that often our greatest gifts come in the wrapping of disappointment, sadness, and deep yearning. Celebrating the holidays often means unwrapping those gifts and looking for the treasure within.
Engage your holidays, accept responsibility for your celebrations, and unwrap every gift whether welcomed or not. In doing so you will find new meaning and purpose and make any weariness the result of a well-traveled road through the holidays.
Blessings,
Bob
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