Being a caregiver can fill a life to overflowing. It offers the caregiver a sense of purpose by giving us a reason to get out of bed each morning. It affirms the values that tell us that we are people of value. It allows us to begin to give back for all that we have received. However, caregivers can become so focused on the care we provide that a strange kind of logic sets in. Our memory becomes distorted. Our worldview becomes dangerously narrow. Our reasoning becomes precariously tilted. Here are some examples.
Believing we are irreplaceable! After we have settled into a routine of caregiving, we may come to believe that we are essential to the well-being of the one receiving care. In fact, we may start to believe that we alone are able to care for this person. No one could do it like we can. Their lives depend on us, and us alone.
Believing we know best! Once we get to know our patient or family member’s needs, we may feel that we are the “expert” on their care. We not only know when they are in need, we know what they need. We may overrule doctor’s orders because the doctor really does not know them as well as we do. We may start exerting control over the patient of family member because we know more than they know. We may refuse any help from “outsiders” because they cannot possibly understand the situation better than we do.
Linking our Happiness to the Patient’s Outcomes! As we become more and more involved with the patient or family member we discover that our moods and feelings of self-worth become more and more dependent on how they are doing. If they take a downturn we begin to experience guilt or shame. If they perk up, we feel a lift to our step and a sense of accomplishment. Especially when dealing with older and frail patients or family members, outcomes can be affected by far more than the level or skill of our caregiving. As with hospice patients, the outcome is not likely to be better health. The best we can expect is comfort and sometimes the illness makes even that an impossible challenge.
Believing that it is all about attitude! When we are struggling with the caregiving, we often fall back on the “power of positive thinking” to rescue us. We believe that all it takes is a good attitude. We repress any negative thoughts and paste a smile on our face to cover the encroaching frustration or sadness. When the sadness “wins” we blame ourselves and become ashamed of our raw emotions. We tell ourselves that we should be able to “handle it!”
Each of these mental choices we make are based on some very shaky thinking. They tend to grow out of our insecurities or fears rather than any real understanding of ourselves or the needs of our patient or family member. Our “need to be needed” can cause us to overestimate our impact and importance. We may feel threatened by those who are better equipped to provide care. We may simply be afraid that if we pretend everything is as it should be then nothing bad will really happen.
Unfortunately, these errors in thinking can create an underlying sense of guilt and fear of their own. We are afraid that others will find out the truth. We are fearful that we will not live up to our expectations of ourselves of those of our patient or family member. These fears and the ensuing guilt can steal our joy. They can turn our caregiving into a burden and render us incapable of doing what we most want to do, provide good care to the other person.
Believing we are irreplaceable! After we have settled into a routine of caregiving, we may come to believe that we are essential to the well-being of the one receiving care. In fact, we may start to believe that we alone are able to care for this person. No one could do it like we can. Their lives depend on us, and us alone.
Believing we know best! Once we get to know our patient or family member’s needs, we may feel that we are the “expert” on their care. We not only know when they are in need, we know what they need. We may overrule doctor’s orders because the doctor really does not know them as well as we do. We may start exerting control over the patient of family member because we know more than they know. We may refuse any help from “outsiders” because they cannot possibly understand the situation better than we do.
Linking our Happiness to the Patient’s Outcomes! As we become more and more involved with the patient or family member we discover that our moods and feelings of self-worth become more and more dependent on how they are doing. If they take a downturn we begin to experience guilt or shame. If they perk up, we feel a lift to our step and a sense of accomplishment. Especially when dealing with older and frail patients or family members, outcomes can be affected by far more than the level or skill of our caregiving. As with hospice patients, the outcome is not likely to be better health. The best we can expect is comfort and sometimes the illness makes even that an impossible challenge.
Believing that it is all about attitude! When we are struggling with the caregiving, we often fall back on the “power of positive thinking” to rescue us. We believe that all it takes is a good attitude. We repress any negative thoughts and paste a smile on our face to cover the encroaching frustration or sadness. When the sadness “wins” we blame ourselves and become ashamed of our raw emotions. We tell ourselves that we should be able to “handle it!”
Each of these mental choices we make are based on some very shaky thinking. They tend to grow out of our insecurities or fears rather than any real understanding of ourselves or the needs of our patient or family member. Our “need to be needed” can cause us to overestimate our impact and importance. We may feel threatened by those who are better equipped to provide care. We may simply be afraid that if we pretend everything is as it should be then nothing bad will really happen.
Unfortunately, these errors in thinking can create an underlying sense of guilt and fear of their own. We are afraid that others will find out the truth. We are fearful that we will not live up to our expectations of ourselves of those of our patient or family member. These fears and the ensuing guilt can steal our joy. They can turn our caregiving into a burden and render us incapable of doing what we most want to do, provide good care to the other person.
TIPS
Fortunately, we can deal with these choices because they are, in fact, choices we make. If we use all the information available to us and stay focused on what is truly important, we can avoid wandering into that dark valley. This happens when we stay present to ourselves and the world around us.
Staying present simply means “keeping it real.”
Self-care of the caregiver’s mind is vital. By staying present to ourselves and the world around us we can continue to find joy and purpose in our caregiving. We can continue to sing the old song “He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother…” for as long as we are needed.
Staying present simply means “keeping it real.”
- Listen through the noise! There are all kinds of voices shouting at us. Some come from within ourselves and others are from those around us. Do not let the noise determine your thinking. Listen to the facts. Let the reality of what you know and what you can do guide your thinking. Avoid overthinking the patient’s needs and respond appropriately. Filter out the noise and listen to reality.
- Feel through the weariness! We often become numb to our weariness. We discount our being worn out because it can be terribly inconvenient to someone with great responsibilities. But, we need to be able to feel our weariness and acknowledge the toll it is taking on ourselves and the care we are providing. When we are tired it is much easier to skip a few steps just to get the job done. Weariness keeps us from being able to pay attention to the weakness in our wrists or pain in our back. Choose to feel your weariness and respond accordingly.
- Observe with clean lenses! How often do you stop and clean your glasses? If you are like me, it is only when I become aware that they are dirty. Usually, Marlene notices that they are dirty long before I do and then they get cleaned. These mental choices are not made in an instant. They are made incrementally and over time. We cannot see the changes because they happen slowly. We grow used to each small change. But somewhere along the way either we, a friend or family member, or the one we are caring for will notice the changes. At that point we need to “clean the glasses.” Take a look at what is happening and get the facts. A good friend or professional can help you. But we must choose to get rid of the schmutz if we are to see ourselves more clearly.
Self-care of the caregiver’s mind is vital. By staying present to ourselves and the world around us we can continue to find joy and purpose in our caregiving. We can continue to sing the old song “He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother…” for as long as we are needed.
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