For me, writing and making a decision have one thing in common. While the doing may be hard work, having done so feels pretty good. Having made a hard decision should feel good. Making the decision may be hard work. But once it’s made, I often feel that a huge weight has lifted off my life and the excitement of something begins to dawn. I am a ponderer. I spend a great deal of time pondering the problem before acting on it. For me, a rushed decision never feels right. Therefore, it is very important for me to exercise good self-care that allows the process of pondering to play itself out so that I end up being a decision that I can celebrate.
While I would like to believe that I make each new decision based on the best evidence available, this is not always the case. Unfortunately, my decision-making is often influenced by well-worn paths through my ideas and beliefs. I, like most folks, am a creature of mental habits who often think in clichés and platitudes. Our memories and beliefs have an undue influence over our choices. Our feelings have an unstated bias toward one option or another. When we limit our choices, our mind will struggle to feel good about our decisions.
Here are three situations that challenge our joy in making a hard decision.
The Automatic Choice
The automatic choice prevents us from growing through hard decisions and into new ways of living. It obscures the mystery and confirms our prejudices and existing beliefs. The automatic choice leads us believe that everything is as it should be. It offers temporary solace and allows us to move ahead, unhindered by reality. When we enter a time of discernment and are relatively untroubled by our choices, we may be running on automatic. We are likely relying on an unthinking cliché, an unassessed belief, or mere tradition rather than the present needs and opportunities. We risk not only making a poor decision but setting ourselves up for a much greater “fall from grace” when our short-sighted choice fails to bring us joy we expect. The tiny whisper that we could have done better will be drowned out in self-congratulation and prideful ego for a while.
The Unconsidered Option
But even when we engage in a meaningful decision-making process, we may still taint our future joy by missing meaningful options. There are times when we are so focused on what we want for the path ahead, that we cannot see the best options that are right in front of us. Being “firm-minded” (my mother’s word for stubborn) can obscure less familiar choices. It is not that we have disregarded them so much as we never saw them. If we “know” that our choices must include certain unquestioned qualifiers, then we will likely walk right by some perfectly reasonable “hidden-in-plain-sight” options. They are never considered because they were never seen.
The Doubted Choice
Then there is the doubted choice. This is often the result of talking ourselves out of a choice because we doubt either that we can do it or that it will really get the job done. Most difficult choices come with doubts about our ability to do what needs to be done. But, by internalizing this doubt too early, we may dismiss it before we have given it a fair hearing. The doubt may have nothing to do with the choice itself. It could rise from a sense of inner conflict, uncertainty about ourselves, a hidden dislike for the choice, or some other unannounced bias against it. By listening to doubt and second-guessing ourselves too early in the process we may lose the joy that is ours when we make a difficult decision.
With good self-care we can come closer to an acceptable level of joy or, at least, acceptance of our decision.
While I would like to believe that I make each new decision based on the best evidence available, this is not always the case. Unfortunately, my decision-making is often influenced by well-worn paths through my ideas and beliefs. I, like most folks, am a creature of mental habits who often think in clichés and platitudes. Our memories and beliefs have an undue influence over our choices. Our feelings have an unstated bias toward one option or another. When we limit our choices, our mind will struggle to feel good about our decisions.
Here are three situations that challenge our joy in making a hard decision.
The Automatic Choice
The automatic choice prevents us from growing through hard decisions and into new ways of living. It obscures the mystery and confirms our prejudices and existing beliefs. The automatic choice leads us believe that everything is as it should be. It offers temporary solace and allows us to move ahead, unhindered by reality. When we enter a time of discernment and are relatively untroubled by our choices, we may be running on automatic. We are likely relying on an unthinking cliché, an unassessed belief, or mere tradition rather than the present needs and opportunities. We risk not only making a poor decision but setting ourselves up for a much greater “fall from grace” when our short-sighted choice fails to bring us joy we expect. The tiny whisper that we could have done better will be drowned out in self-congratulation and prideful ego for a while.
The Unconsidered Option
But even when we engage in a meaningful decision-making process, we may still taint our future joy by missing meaningful options. There are times when we are so focused on what we want for the path ahead, that we cannot see the best options that are right in front of us. Being “firm-minded” (my mother’s word for stubborn) can obscure less familiar choices. It is not that we have disregarded them so much as we never saw them. If we “know” that our choices must include certain unquestioned qualifiers, then we will likely walk right by some perfectly reasonable “hidden-in-plain-sight” options. They are never considered because they were never seen.
The Doubted Choice
Then there is the doubted choice. This is often the result of talking ourselves out of a choice because we doubt either that we can do it or that it will really get the job done. Most difficult choices come with doubts about our ability to do what needs to be done. But, by internalizing this doubt too early, we may dismiss it before we have given it a fair hearing. The doubt may have nothing to do with the choice itself. It could rise from a sense of inner conflict, uncertainty about ourselves, a hidden dislike for the choice, or some other unannounced bias against it. By listening to doubt and second-guessing ourselves too early in the process we may lose the joy that is ours when we make a difficult decision.
With good self-care we can come closer to an acceptable level of joy or, at least, acceptance of our decision.
TIP - Choosing the Muddy Path
Marlene and I have been camping this week at Garner State Park. (Which explains why this Self-Care Note is late getting posted.) One of the many reasons we enjoy this park are the trails and opportunities they offer for exploring the Hill Country. This week was to be no exception until a poor decision changed our plans.
On our first day here, I thought we would get warmed up with a little late afternoon walk along the river. Since it was intended to be a walk, I wore walking shoes and left my hiking boots at camp. I remember thinking that I ought to wear my boots but then I talked myself out of the trouble of changing shoes just for a little walk. This was not my best decision of the week. The walk turned into a bit more after we got past the dam and were on a rocky and muddy trail. My slick walking shoes were not a good match for slick river mud on the sloping trail. I ended up in the mud with a very sore SI (sacroiliac joint). All future hiking was reduced to short walks when the hip allowed.
What does this have to do with self-care of the mind in times of difficult choices? It describes how we can avoid the poor choices described above. Do not be afraid of taking the rockiest (or muddiest) path. But be prepared for the journey.
The paths of least resistance will not bring you much joy. Why did I keep going past the paved trail and into the rocks and mud? Because that is where the photos were. I was told by a photographer (just before I fell) that there were some great shots up ahead. Having shot there a couple years ago, I knew the possibility existed and this other photographer’s words confirmed it. I stepped off the pavement and onto the trail with a new resolve, forgetting completely about being in walking shoes. I knew that good shots generally require the rockiest and muddiest paths. My failure was in my lack of respect for the trail.
If we are going to make the hard decisions, we need to respect the trail and prepare ourselves for it.
First, do not let habit, laziness, or self-doubt steal your joy in choosing an easy path. Ask yourself if this is a trail of least resistance or one that will bring the joy you are seeking? If you truly want a meaningful decision be sure you pick from among the best options regardless of how rocky or muddy the path may be.
Second, pause and ask yourself if you are prepared to make that choice. If not, you can either cross off the option or stop and take the time to get prepared. Be sure that you can maintain traction when the path becomes hard. Give yourself the greatest opportunity for success and you will find joy and fulfillment at the end of the trail.
Third, walk carefully and mindfully. Be aware of the progress you are making. Make adjustments along the way. Do not let ego or pride cause you to go where you are not prepared to go. Good decisions are not simply one-time events. They are a constant process of moving forward deliberately making adjustments along the way. They may require a small backtrack or two from time to time. It is not only about the results but the journey that will bring you the joy of a good decision.
Choose the rocky path. Get prepared for your journey. Stay mindful of the journey. In the end, when the opportunity is claimed, your mind with rejoice in the choice(s) you have made. Regrets will have been minimized and the task “having-been-completed” will bring joy and satisfaction.
Good choosing! Just watch that next step!
Bob
On our first day here, I thought we would get warmed up with a little late afternoon walk along the river. Since it was intended to be a walk, I wore walking shoes and left my hiking boots at camp. I remember thinking that I ought to wear my boots but then I talked myself out of the trouble of changing shoes just for a little walk. This was not my best decision of the week. The walk turned into a bit more after we got past the dam and were on a rocky and muddy trail. My slick walking shoes were not a good match for slick river mud on the sloping trail. I ended up in the mud with a very sore SI (sacroiliac joint). All future hiking was reduced to short walks when the hip allowed.
What does this have to do with self-care of the mind in times of difficult choices? It describes how we can avoid the poor choices described above. Do not be afraid of taking the rockiest (or muddiest) path. But be prepared for the journey.
The paths of least resistance will not bring you much joy. Why did I keep going past the paved trail and into the rocks and mud? Because that is where the photos were. I was told by a photographer (just before I fell) that there were some great shots up ahead. Having shot there a couple years ago, I knew the possibility existed and this other photographer’s words confirmed it. I stepped off the pavement and onto the trail with a new resolve, forgetting completely about being in walking shoes. I knew that good shots generally require the rockiest and muddiest paths. My failure was in my lack of respect for the trail.
If we are going to make the hard decisions, we need to respect the trail and prepare ourselves for it.
First, do not let habit, laziness, or self-doubt steal your joy in choosing an easy path. Ask yourself if this is a trail of least resistance or one that will bring the joy you are seeking? If you truly want a meaningful decision be sure you pick from among the best options regardless of how rocky or muddy the path may be.
Second, pause and ask yourself if you are prepared to make that choice. If not, you can either cross off the option or stop and take the time to get prepared. Be sure that you can maintain traction when the path becomes hard. Give yourself the greatest opportunity for success and you will find joy and fulfillment at the end of the trail.
Third, walk carefully and mindfully. Be aware of the progress you are making. Make adjustments along the way. Do not let ego or pride cause you to go where you are not prepared to go. Good decisions are not simply one-time events. They are a constant process of moving forward deliberately making adjustments along the way. They may require a small backtrack or two from time to time. It is not only about the results but the journey that will bring you the joy of a good decision.
Choose the rocky path. Get prepared for your journey. Stay mindful of the journey. In the end, when the opportunity is claimed, your mind with rejoice in the choice(s) you have made. Regrets will have been minimized and the task “having-been-completed” will bring joy and satisfaction.
Good choosing! Just watch that next step!
Bob
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