General Information -- The Four Tasks of Grief
For the last few weeks I have been exploring some of the ways that we can take care of ourselves following a significant loss. While we all grieve in different ways and in our own time, there are four tasks that many believe are vital to finding our way to the new normal on the other side of our grief.
William Worden, in his book Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy describes these four tasks.
First, accept the reality of the loss. Many retreat into denial in order to protect themselves from the pain of the loss. This is a helpful way to deal with the crush of emotions immediately following a death. However, there comes a time when we need to step back into the reality of the unwelcome change that has taken over our life. We do not need to like or embrace the loss, we simply need to be able to acknowledge that this loss has actually happened.
Second, work through the pain and grief. Grief work is very hard. The emotional baggage coupled with new stress caused by the loss makes it very difficult to allow the tears and anger to come out. Many people cope with the loss by staying busy with other things. Again, this is okay immediately following the death, but in the long term it prevents us from finding our way through the wilderness of grief. Our emotions need to be expressed. Certain tasks need to be accomplished with the funeral, estate issues, and taking care of daily living. We need to learn that it is okay to cry because you will not cry forever. The tears will end and the dawn will come. Grief work allows us to get through this dark valley.
Third, adjust to a new environment. Grief is our response to an unwelcome change. This change forces us into a new way of life. The old has passed away. Ignoring the changes may help us for a short time. But, there comes a time when we must reassess how our lives have been changed and find ways to meet the new challenges. If we run into brick walls, we need to get help. Talk with your financial consultant, doctor, friends, or neighbors to help you sort out this new world.
Last, find an enduring connection with the deceased while moving forward with life. We do not say goodbye to the person at the time of death. In many ways, that person still walks with us. We may still hear their voice or feel their presence. Certain sounds, sights, or smells may trigger memories. We may even listen to their remembered words in difficult situations. Their spirit is still part of our lives. A last step toward finding that new life without their physical presence will be to discover ways to maintain that presence with us. Some may keep pictures in prominent places. Others may keep their favorite shirt or blouse within reach. We may donate to their favorite charity in lieu of a Christmas or birthday gift. There are many other ways. Find a way to help you maintain that relationship with the one you have lost. That presence will make your transition to a new life a little easier.
Allow your grief to help you make your way through that lonesome valley. May the pain move your forward and the remembering draw you into a new relationship with yourself and those around you as well as your loved one.
William Worden, in his book Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy describes these four tasks.
First, accept the reality of the loss. Many retreat into denial in order to protect themselves from the pain of the loss. This is a helpful way to deal with the crush of emotions immediately following a death. However, there comes a time when we need to step back into the reality of the unwelcome change that has taken over our life. We do not need to like or embrace the loss, we simply need to be able to acknowledge that this loss has actually happened.
Second, work through the pain and grief. Grief work is very hard. The emotional baggage coupled with new stress caused by the loss makes it very difficult to allow the tears and anger to come out. Many people cope with the loss by staying busy with other things. Again, this is okay immediately following the death, but in the long term it prevents us from finding our way through the wilderness of grief. Our emotions need to be expressed. Certain tasks need to be accomplished with the funeral, estate issues, and taking care of daily living. We need to learn that it is okay to cry because you will not cry forever. The tears will end and the dawn will come. Grief work allows us to get through this dark valley.
Third, adjust to a new environment. Grief is our response to an unwelcome change. This change forces us into a new way of life. The old has passed away. Ignoring the changes may help us for a short time. But, there comes a time when we must reassess how our lives have been changed and find ways to meet the new challenges. If we run into brick walls, we need to get help. Talk with your financial consultant, doctor, friends, or neighbors to help you sort out this new world.
Last, find an enduring connection with the deceased while moving forward with life. We do not say goodbye to the person at the time of death. In many ways, that person still walks with us. We may still hear their voice or feel their presence. Certain sounds, sights, or smells may trigger memories. We may even listen to their remembered words in difficult situations. Their spirit is still part of our lives. A last step toward finding that new life without their physical presence will be to discover ways to maintain that presence with us. Some may keep pictures in prominent places. Others may keep their favorite shirt or blouse within reach. We may donate to their favorite charity in lieu of a Christmas or birthday gift. There are many other ways. Find a way to help you maintain that relationship with the one you have lost. That presence will make your transition to a new life a little easier.
Allow your grief to help you make your way through that lonesome valley. May the pain move your forward and the remembering draw you into a new relationship with yourself and those around you as well as your loved one.
Tips
This week I do not have a tip so much as a challenge for those experiencing grief. I challenge you to say and believe, “I am not a victim of grief!” YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM OF GRIEF!
A victim is someone who has experienced an overwhelming assault on their life over which they have no control in how they respond. A victim is utterly powerless. This experience sets in process a chain of beliefs and events that leads to debilitation and destruction of the personality. You are not a victim.
If you have learned anything from these last few Self-Care Notes, you are not helpless. You are more than a victim. You do have some power in your loss. You cannot control your feelings but you can control how you respond to them. You cannot control the loss of your normal, but you do have power over the shaping of your new normal.
And, to take this one step further, do not look at your loss as a setback that has ruined your future. Instead, begin to see your grief as a new opportunity to grow into the you that will emerge. Your struggle with teach you how strong you are and the importance of having close friends and family. You will learn resilience and new ways of coping with difficult circumstances. You will likely learn to appreciate those around you even more than you do now. Most importantly, you will come to see yourself more clearly and to accept that person you see each morning in the mirror.
Do not waste your hurt and pain on “being a victim” or squander it in self-pity. Step into the new day that is around you and embrace the life you have. “You is kind. You is smart. You is important.” (Kathryn Stockett, The Help) Consider yourself challenged!
A victim is someone who has experienced an overwhelming assault on their life over which they have no control in how they respond. A victim is utterly powerless. This experience sets in process a chain of beliefs and events that leads to debilitation and destruction of the personality. You are not a victim.
If you have learned anything from these last few Self-Care Notes, you are not helpless. You are more than a victim. You do have some power in your loss. You cannot control your feelings but you can control how you respond to them. You cannot control the loss of your normal, but you do have power over the shaping of your new normal.
And, to take this one step further, do not look at your loss as a setback that has ruined your future. Instead, begin to see your grief as a new opportunity to grow into the you that will emerge. Your struggle with teach you how strong you are and the importance of having close friends and family. You will learn resilience and new ways of coping with difficult circumstances. You will likely learn to appreciate those around you even more than you do now. Most importantly, you will come to see yourself more clearly and to accept that person you see each morning in the mirror.
Do not waste your hurt and pain on “being a victim” or squander it in self-pity. Step into the new day that is around you and embrace the life you have. “You is kind. You is smart. You is important.” (Kathryn Stockett, The Help) Consider yourself challenged!
RSS Feed