General Information
While grief may touch the body and soul, it is felt most profoundly within the soul. The soul, as the seat of emotion and will, can completely shut down when grief strikes. In the immediate aftermath of a big loss, it is quite common for the soul to feel numb or nothing! The soul is protecting itself from the shock and the mind follows suit with denying that the death even happened. The body gears up to fight or run away. But, they are all serving our human will that is unable to process the experience of loss that we have just experienced.
With time, however, the soul becomes better able to accept that the loss has, in fact, happened. 50 years ago Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified several common experiences of grief with dying patients. (People later misidentified these as stages.) Kubler-Ross listed them as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These common experiences occur and reoccur in a seemingly random order throughout a person’s grief experience which may last much longer than they anticipated.
When these common experiences come on suddenly, they are called “griefquakes.” These may be triggered by a smell or sight that reminds you of the person. It could come in the middle of the night or in the middle of a meeting. While they are more common early in grief, they can occur at any time, even years later. They remind us that we have been touched by the unwelcome loss of someone we loved deeply. We may begin to worry that we are crazy and find great comfort in knowing that we are just grieving.
How long does our grief last? It is over when it is over. Even when we are able to return to our daily routine and our first thought in the morning is no longer about the one we have lost, there may still be that lingering sense of loss and longing. It is not unusual for that feeling to become an undercurrent for the rest of our lives.
If we love, it is very likely that we will grieve. Grieving is our spirit’s response to the unwelcome changes brought by the loss of someone we love very deeply. (BTW, we also grieve the loss of situations and things to the extent that we invest ourselves in them.) When the soul is caught in grief, it is essential that we take care of ourselves. Grief will not be ignored. We can bury it but it will rise again. Take care of your soul when it is grieving.
With time, however, the soul becomes better able to accept that the loss has, in fact, happened. 50 years ago Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified several common experiences of grief with dying patients. (People later misidentified these as stages.) Kubler-Ross listed them as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These common experiences occur and reoccur in a seemingly random order throughout a person’s grief experience which may last much longer than they anticipated.
When these common experiences come on suddenly, they are called “griefquakes.” These may be triggered by a smell or sight that reminds you of the person. It could come in the middle of the night or in the middle of a meeting. While they are more common early in grief, they can occur at any time, even years later. They remind us that we have been touched by the unwelcome loss of someone we loved deeply. We may begin to worry that we are crazy and find great comfort in knowing that we are just grieving.
How long does our grief last? It is over when it is over. Even when we are able to return to our daily routine and our first thought in the morning is no longer about the one we have lost, there may still be that lingering sense of loss and longing. It is not unusual for that feeling to become an undercurrent for the rest of our lives.
If we love, it is very likely that we will grieve. Grieving is our spirit’s response to the unwelcome changes brought by the loss of someone we love very deeply. (BTW, we also grieve the loss of situations and things to the extent that we invest ourselves in them.) When the soul is caught in grief, it is essential that we take care of ourselves. Grief will not be ignored. We can bury it but it will rise again. Take care of your soul when it is grieving.
Tips
I have two suggestions for those whose soul is struggling with grief.
First, lower your expectations of “getting over it” and allow yourself to feel your hurt. As the old song tells us, that lonesome valley must be walked. The only way to deal with the pain is to walk through it, coping as best you can. Some days will be easier than others which is where the “Roller Coaster Rule” kicks in. I do not like roller coasters. I do not like going high, fast, or in circles. However, there have been times when the ride was unavoidable. I have learned that when I am climbing up and getting ready to “fall off the world” I tell myself “Ain’t gonna last long. Ain’t gonna last long!” And, when I reach the bottom, I breathe and say, “Ahhhh….” When the griefquakes come remember that it is still grief and that it will pass. And on the good days, breathe and feel gratitude for the day. Do not expect these moments to stop until they do. Be patient with your grief.
Second, find ways to stay connected to the person you have lost. For some this may mean having a conversation with a picture of your beloved. Others may have a pillow case sewn out of an article of clothing worn by your loved one. Some folks light a candle on the loved ones’ birthday and send in a donation to a favorite charity in their honor.
My mother died in 1997. One of the things I miss most were our late night/early morning conversations around her old dining room table where we both drank iced Lipton’s Instant Sweet Tea with lemon. From time to time, even 20 years later, I will order some sweet tea and add some lemon and just remember. In the most important ways she remains with me and always will.
Find ways to stay connected with the person you have lost. Because they are not really lost. They remain with you in the most important way. They continue to speak to your soul!
First, lower your expectations of “getting over it” and allow yourself to feel your hurt. As the old song tells us, that lonesome valley must be walked. The only way to deal with the pain is to walk through it, coping as best you can. Some days will be easier than others which is where the “Roller Coaster Rule” kicks in. I do not like roller coasters. I do not like going high, fast, or in circles. However, there have been times when the ride was unavoidable. I have learned that when I am climbing up and getting ready to “fall off the world” I tell myself “Ain’t gonna last long. Ain’t gonna last long!” And, when I reach the bottom, I breathe and say, “Ahhhh….” When the griefquakes come remember that it is still grief and that it will pass. And on the good days, breathe and feel gratitude for the day. Do not expect these moments to stop until they do. Be patient with your grief.
Second, find ways to stay connected to the person you have lost. For some this may mean having a conversation with a picture of your beloved. Others may have a pillow case sewn out of an article of clothing worn by your loved one. Some folks light a candle on the loved ones’ birthday and send in a donation to a favorite charity in their honor.
My mother died in 1997. One of the things I miss most were our late night/early morning conversations around her old dining room table where we both drank iced Lipton’s Instant Sweet Tea with lemon. From time to time, even 20 years later, I will order some sweet tea and add some lemon and just remember. In the most important ways she remains with me and always will.
Find ways to stay connected with the person you have lost. Because they are not really lost. They remain with you in the most important way. They continue to speak to your soul!
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