The Mind Responds to Grief
Following a significant loss, many people find themselves in a fog. They struggle to concentrate. Words are difficult. Memories seem to bubble up from the depths. Reasoning becomes very difficult. Our minds are as profoundly affected by our grief as our body and soul. There is something very real about not making major, life-changing decisions in the first year after losing a spouse. The fog of grief does not generally lead to good decisions.
Grief has a way of taking over our thoughts. Everything revolves around the loss we have experienced. In this moment, our grief demands everything from us. We cannot imagine a time when our grief will be any easier to bear. Long-term financial decisions are made with the short-term need to get through our grief. Long-term relationship decisions may be made with the need to fill the void created by the loss. The immediacy of grief can lead to poor choices for long-term needs.
But even beyond reasoning about the future, grief has a way of profoundly changing our memories of the past. Grief cause the “If Onlys…” to erode the comfort we receive through our memories. In remembering precious moments with the one we lost, we may start playing “Woulda’, Coulda’, Shoulda’.” In remembering a special moment, a thought rises from our grief that says, “I coulda’” done this. When looking back on a medical decision we made for our loved one we beat ourselves up with “I shoulda’” done that. Regret that rises out of grief transforms the very memories that could be sources of comfort into moments of pain and sorrow. Regret transforms remembering into guilt and anger.
Grief makes it very difficult to reason and to remember, to decide and to accept. Self-care of the mind is essential during our time of grief.
Grief has a way of taking over our thoughts. Everything revolves around the loss we have experienced. In this moment, our grief demands everything from us. We cannot imagine a time when our grief will be any easier to bear. Long-term financial decisions are made with the short-term need to get through our grief. Long-term relationship decisions may be made with the need to fill the void created by the loss. The immediacy of grief can lead to poor choices for long-term needs.
But even beyond reasoning about the future, grief has a way of profoundly changing our memories of the past. Grief cause the “If Onlys…” to erode the comfort we receive through our memories. In remembering precious moments with the one we lost, we may start playing “Woulda’, Coulda’, Shoulda’.” In remembering a special moment, a thought rises from our grief that says, “I coulda’” done this. When looking back on a medical decision we made for our loved one we beat ourselves up with “I shoulda’” done that. Regret that rises out of grief transforms the very memories that could be sources of comfort into moments of pain and sorrow. Regret transforms remembering into guilt and anger.
Grief makes it very difficult to reason and to remember, to decide and to accept. Self-care of the mind is essential during our time of grief.
Helping the Mind Through Grief
Cut Yourself some Slack – Acknowledge that you may not be operating at your best and cut yourself some slack. Find a trusted friend to help you sort out which decisions must be made and which could wait. Put off those that do not absolutely have to be made right now. For those that must be made, listen carefully to several advisors and do your best. But recognize that you may not be ready and could make a mistake. Cut yourself some slack.
Remember with Gratitude -- When those memories rise up from within, focus on the good that they bring to your moment of hurt. Remember each experience with gratitude. If the moment you saw your loved in bed as they were taking their final breaths, do not let the regrets take over. Focus on how their face was a peace as they rested comfortably. If a funny moment from years before rises up, do not allow your mind to focus on the regret over not hearing them laugh. Instead offer a thank you for the moment that you shared and leave it there, in gratitude. Allow gratitude to salve the hurt and help you through the regrets that may occur from time to time. Regrets do not solve anything when changes can no longer me made. Let them float away on a river of gratitude.
Remember with Gratitude -- When those memories rise up from within, focus on the good that they bring to your moment of hurt. Remember each experience with gratitude. If the moment you saw your loved in bed as they were taking their final breaths, do not let the regrets take over. Focus on how their face was a peace as they rested comfortably. If a funny moment from years before rises up, do not allow your mind to focus on the regret over not hearing them laugh. Instead offer a thank you for the moment that you shared and leave it there, in gratitude. Allow gratitude to salve the hurt and help you through the regrets that may occur from time to time. Regrets do not solve anything when changes can no longer me made. Let them float away on a river of gratitude.
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