For the next few weeks, I will be exploring ways that Caregivers can take care of themselves. During my years working in hospice, this was one of the major issues we had to address with families. Many families would ignore their own health and welfare while caring for their mom or dad.
Do you remember a picture from a mid-air accident where an engine came apart and the oxygen masks were used by the passengers for the remainder of the flight. Did you notice anything strange about the picture? The preflight presentation says that we are to place the mask over our mouth and nose. Everyone had the mask only over their mouths. So much for that preflight presentation. Unfortunately, there is another part of that presentation that many people do not follow. “If you are traveling with a child or someone who requires assistance, secure your mask on first, and then assist the other person.” I wonder how many folks on that flight followed this guideline?
Caregiver’s rightly focus their attention on the needs of the one who is suffering. Over the long-term of providing care, the caregiver learns to ignore their needs. In doing so we allow the stress of caregiving to gradually erode our health of body-mind-soul. Airplane’s do not fall out of the sky because a part suddenly broke. They generally fail because stress has gradually weakened the plane and the part is no longer able to serve its function. The same happens to caregivers. Their lack of self-care can make it impossible for them to adequately care for their loved one.
This is called Compassion Fatigue. Its primary sign is the growing feeling, whether admitted or not, that caring for their loved one is more of a burden than a joy. A sense of duty replaces the sense of satisfaction that comes with caring for mom or dad. If unchecked, that resentment and sense of duty can become outright hostility and anger. It can poison a lifetime of loving memories. Caregivers may just walk away, never to return. They may ruin their own health. They may let their caregiving become less attentive. More often, however, they may double down and continue providing care while carrying a crushing load of guilt and shame.
For the next three weeks I will share ways to act on the “Airline Oxygen Rule” where the first responsibility of the caregiver is to their own self-care. This is not selfishness. It is admitting the reality that if we are physically or emotionally incapacitated, our loved one will not have the care they need. We need to remind ourselves every day that “If you are traveling with a child or someone who requires assistance, secure your mask on first, and then assist the other person.”
Do you remember a picture from a mid-air accident where an engine came apart and the oxygen masks were used by the passengers for the remainder of the flight. Did you notice anything strange about the picture? The preflight presentation says that we are to place the mask over our mouth and nose. Everyone had the mask only over their mouths. So much for that preflight presentation. Unfortunately, there is another part of that presentation that many people do not follow. “If you are traveling with a child or someone who requires assistance, secure your mask on first, and then assist the other person.” I wonder how many folks on that flight followed this guideline?
Caregiver’s rightly focus their attention on the needs of the one who is suffering. Over the long-term of providing care, the caregiver learns to ignore their needs. In doing so we allow the stress of caregiving to gradually erode our health of body-mind-soul. Airplane’s do not fall out of the sky because a part suddenly broke. They generally fail because stress has gradually weakened the plane and the part is no longer able to serve its function. The same happens to caregivers. Their lack of self-care can make it impossible for them to adequately care for their loved one.
This is called Compassion Fatigue. Its primary sign is the growing feeling, whether admitted or not, that caring for their loved one is more of a burden than a joy. A sense of duty replaces the sense of satisfaction that comes with caring for mom or dad. If unchecked, that resentment and sense of duty can become outright hostility and anger. It can poison a lifetime of loving memories. Caregivers may just walk away, never to return. They may ruin their own health. They may let their caregiving become less attentive. More often, however, they may double down and continue providing care while carrying a crushing load of guilt and shame.
For the next three weeks I will share ways to act on the “Airline Oxygen Rule” where the first responsibility of the caregiver is to their own self-care. This is not selfishness. It is admitting the reality that if we are physically or emotionally incapacitated, our loved one will not have the care they need. We need to remind ourselves every day that “If you are traveling with a child or someone who requires assistance, secure your mask on first, and then assist the other person.”
TIPS
- Continually assess your feelings about being a caregiver and your reasons for being there.
- Stay in touch with your own needs.
- Take a break to regain your perspective.
- Find someone to talk to about your day-to-day experience of caregiving.
- If compassion fatigue is a problem, I suggest you copy the picture above and place it on your bathroom mirror as a reminder that the caregiver’s self-care is job one!
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