Relationships are vital to our health. While having relationships is not a choice, being in relationship with others is purely optional. We may choose our friends and whether we actively engage with them. Having a family may be beyond our choosing but being in relationship with them is a choice. We move in relationship with both family and friends by sharing some of our body-mind-soul space with them. They are “in” us and we are “in” them. Even when we seek to step away, we remain in relationship to them. They take up space in our body-mind-soul.
There are different types of relationships. There are family. There are strangers. There are enemies. There are acquaintances. There are people with whom we simply do business. Among any of these groups we may even develop friends and enemies. These latter categories give rise to the more complicated relationships in our lives. As long as folks remain outside of our friends and enemies, they are relatively easy to manage. We can choose our level of involvement with them. We hold them at a distance and live our lives insulated from them. But when we let them in to our body-mind-soul, these relationships become more complex and potentially more satisfying or destructive. Managing self-care while in relationships is an important element of self-care.
This series is not about caring for friends or accepting care from our friends. These are important activities in their own right. But I will be more narrowly focused on caring for our self while we are among our friends and enemies. How do we care for ourselves when we have allowed others in? In short, “How do we handle our relationships within our body-mind-soul?”
A fundamental principle of this self-care is that we are responsible for who we let into our body-mind-soul. No one has a right to come into our lives and take up residence in our body-mind-soul. Some may have a more compelling reason to be “in friendship” with us, but they must still be offered an invitation. Learning to manage these invitations is, unfortunately, a life skill that many of us fail to learn. Society may have taught us that others have a “right” to be our friend. Family members may demand that they be counted among our friends. Others may want to befriend us for their benefit, not ours. Some people believe they have a right to say when and where we invite or exclude people from our friendships. By claiming some moral authority, they may believe they can dictate our friends and enemies. But each of us has not only the right but also the responsibility to decide who becomes part of our friends and enemy circle.
For our purpose, I am defining friends and enemies as those people that we allow to have a claim on our time, our attention, and our emotional involvement. These relationships may be nurturing or unhealthy. When they are healthy, they increase our capacity for love and trust, joy and hope. When these relationships are unhealthy, they take away from our capacity for resilience, self-understanding, self-respect, or self-control. When these relationships lead us into unhealthy ways of living, they are enemies. When they offer us a healthy life, they are friends. The only difference between a friend and an enemy is whether the relationship is life-giving or life-taking. But in either case, we have allowed them into our lives and given them space within our body-mind-soul.
A Word of warning! Beware believing that friends are good, and enemies are bad. Interestingly, the word enemy comes from the Latin word for “bad friend.” Both our enemies and our friends are part of our social network. We can learn from and grow through both as long as we recognize them for who they are and what they represent in our lives. We can lessen the impact of our enemies by limiting their access to our body-mind-soul. We can increase the positive impact of our friends by opening up our lives to them.
However, self-care among our friends and enemies is all about healthy boundaries. We will be exploring these boundaries over the next few weeks as we explore ways that we can take care of ourselves when we are among those we have invited into our lives. I hope to offer some insights into how we manage these relationships and allow them to lead us into healthier ways of living. I look forward to sharing this journey with you.
There are different types of relationships. There are family. There are strangers. There are enemies. There are acquaintances. There are people with whom we simply do business. Among any of these groups we may even develop friends and enemies. These latter categories give rise to the more complicated relationships in our lives. As long as folks remain outside of our friends and enemies, they are relatively easy to manage. We can choose our level of involvement with them. We hold them at a distance and live our lives insulated from them. But when we let them in to our body-mind-soul, these relationships become more complex and potentially more satisfying or destructive. Managing self-care while in relationships is an important element of self-care.
This series is not about caring for friends or accepting care from our friends. These are important activities in their own right. But I will be more narrowly focused on caring for our self while we are among our friends and enemies. How do we care for ourselves when we have allowed others in? In short, “How do we handle our relationships within our body-mind-soul?”
A fundamental principle of this self-care is that we are responsible for who we let into our body-mind-soul. No one has a right to come into our lives and take up residence in our body-mind-soul. Some may have a more compelling reason to be “in friendship” with us, but they must still be offered an invitation. Learning to manage these invitations is, unfortunately, a life skill that many of us fail to learn. Society may have taught us that others have a “right” to be our friend. Family members may demand that they be counted among our friends. Others may want to befriend us for their benefit, not ours. Some people believe they have a right to say when and where we invite or exclude people from our friendships. By claiming some moral authority, they may believe they can dictate our friends and enemies. But each of us has not only the right but also the responsibility to decide who becomes part of our friends and enemy circle.
For our purpose, I am defining friends and enemies as those people that we allow to have a claim on our time, our attention, and our emotional involvement. These relationships may be nurturing or unhealthy. When they are healthy, they increase our capacity for love and trust, joy and hope. When these relationships are unhealthy, they take away from our capacity for resilience, self-understanding, self-respect, or self-control. When these relationships lead us into unhealthy ways of living, they are enemies. When they offer us a healthy life, they are friends. The only difference between a friend and an enemy is whether the relationship is life-giving or life-taking. But in either case, we have allowed them into our lives and given them space within our body-mind-soul.
A Word of warning! Beware believing that friends are good, and enemies are bad. Interestingly, the word enemy comes from the Latin word for “bad friend.” Both our enemies and our friends are part of our social network. We can learn from and grow through both as long as we recognize them for who they are and what they represent in our lives. We can lessen the impact of our enemies by limiting their access to our body-mind-soul. We can increase the positive impact of our friends by opening up our lives to them.
However, self-care among our friends and enemies is all about healthy boundaries. We will be exploring these boundaries over the next few weeks as we explore ways that we can take care of ourselves when we are among those we have invited into our lives. I hope to offer some insights into how we manage these relationships and allow them to lead us into healthier ways of living. I look forward to sharing this journey with you.
Tips
A Friendship/Enemy Inventory
Taker a quick look at your contact list.
This brief exercise will offer you a glimpse of your support network. It may offer you some insights into areas where you have strong support and where you may need to focus some time and energy on managing your relationships.
Blessings,
Bob
Taker a quick look at your contact list.
- Take a survey of those who you would call when you were in trouble.
- Make a mental note about those who you would definitely not call.
- Check those who you might call under specific circumstances.
- Make a quick review of your family on the list and see when or if you would call them.
This brief exercise will offer you a glimpse of your support network. It may offer you some insights into areas where you have strong support and where you may need to focus some time and energy on managing your relationships.
Blessings,
Bob
RSS Feed