As hard as caregiving can be on the body, it’s impact on the soul can be even more devastating. Unfortunately, its impact may not be as self-evident to the caregiver themselves. Caregiving can feel quite good to a soul, especially one that struggles with feelings of self-worth and value. Committing our life to helping someone else can fill that void and help us enjoy our inner dialogue. Unfortunately, that feeling can be quite addicting. As our negative internal feelings return, we may pour ourselves more and more into our caregiving. We may not even see the process happening until the physical or mental effects become visible. If this process is left unchecked we may experience the death of the soul by self-induced martyrdom (or SIM).
Being a martyr has a long and illustrious history in our Western Culture. It rises out of the stories that circulated in the earliest church about people who sacrificed their lives to defend the faith. In military and civil settings, women and men who have given “the last full measure of devotion” or made the “ultimate sacrifice” are honored and remembered with public memorials so that we might remember and emulate their example. Martyrdom reinforces the values of a culture and supports a system of social support for those who make sacrifices in their daily lives. Martyrdom is a good thing when the martyrdom is thrust upon us by circumstance and we respond for the “common good.”
Self-induced martyrdom is another creature entirely. Others have defined SIM as the Shadow Martyr or the Martyr Complex. In essence, SIM exaggerates or feigns the suffering they “must” endure as a caregiver in order to gain sympathy or attention from others. It allows the inner person to counteract the lack of self-worth or value in their internal dialogue. They may pat themselves on the back and take their physical or mental struggles as a sign that they are a “good person.” They may also look for support from those around them to reinforce their own inner struggle. There is a wide scale of how the SIM expresses their martyrdom. It may be as simple as doing a little more than necessary to a family member or as devastating as completely losing themselves in their caregiving.
SIM seeks to cope with unwanted feelings that linger in the soul. It supercharges the will to engage in “other-directed” activities. It seeks and likely receives social reinforcement to continue in their “altruistic” living. It is the classic definition of doing the right things for the wrong reasons. It is important to note that SIM is not about taking pride in one’s caregiving. It is not about caregiving at all. The person being cared for is an object of their care rather than the subject of their concern. The real subject is themselves and the conversation that takes place in their soul. A person with SIM may have a series of people that they use to support their need to overcome their feelings of inadequacy of lack of worth.
As we become more and more dependent on SIM to feel good about our lives we risk the death of the soul. Once that caregiving relationship ends with the loss of the patient or family member we have to find another object for our care. Even more tragically, if, for some reason, the charade becomes unmasked and we see our caregiving as purely selfish, we have nowhere to run. The inner voices become angry and brutal. The soul begins to whither as we lose our will. We our best to block our emotions. We become an empty shell.
It is important to stress that SIM comes in all shades. And, there is a great deal that can be done to prevent the death of the soul. Friends and companions can help caregivers find meaning and value in their lives apart from their caregiving. They can also be attentive and help the caregiver see the early signs of SIM as they appear. Most importantly, they can be present to the caregiver as a person of value and worth in their own right, apart from their role as caregiver.
Being a martyr has a long and illustrious history in our Western Culture. It rises out of the stories that circulated in the earliest church about people who sacrificed their lives to defend the faith. In military and civil settings, women and men who have given “the last full measure of devotion” or made the “ultimate sacrifice” are honored and remembered with public memorials so that we might remember and emulate their example. Martyrdom reinforces the values of a culture and supports a system of social support for those who make sacrifices in their daily lives. Martyrdom is a good thing when the martyrdom is thrust upon us by circumstance and we respond for the “common good.”
Self-induced martyrdom is another creature entirely. Others have defined SIM as the Shadow Martyr or the Martyr Complex. In essence, SIM exaggerates or feigns the suffering they “must” endure as a caregiver in order to gain sympathy or attention from others. It allows the inner person to counteract the lack of self-worth or value in their internal dialogue. They may pat themselves on the back and take their physical or mental struggles as a sign that they are a “good person.” They may also look for support from those around them to reinforce their own inner struggle. There is a wide scale of how the SIM expresses their martyrdom. It may be as simple as doing a little more than necessary to a family member or as devastating as completely losing themselves in their caregiving.
SIM seeks to cope with unwanted feelings that linger in the soul. It supercharges the will to engage in “other-directed” activities. It seeks and likely receives social reinforcement to continue in their “altruistic” living. It is the classic definition of doing the right things for the wrong reasons. It is important to note that SIM is not about taking pride in one’s caregiving. It is not about caregiving at all. The person being cared for is an object of their care rather than the subject of their concern. The real subject is themselves and the conversation that takes place in their soul. A person with SIM may have a series of people that they use to support their need to overcome their feelings of inadequacy of lack of worth.
As we become more and more dependent on SIM to feel good about our lives we risk the death of the soul. Once that caregiving relationship ends with the loss of the patient or family member we have to find another object for our care. Even more tragically, if, for some reason, the charade becomes unmasked and we see our caregiving as purely selfish, we have nowhere to run. The inner voices become angry and brutal. The soul begins to whither as we lose our will. We our best to block our emotions. We become an empty shell.
It is important to stress that SIM comes in all shades. And, there is a great deal that can be done to prevent the death of the soul. Friends and companions can help caregivers find meaning and value in their lives apart from their caregiving. They can also be attentive and help the caregiver see the early signs of SIM as they appear. Most importantly, they can be present to the caregiver as a person of value and worth in their own right, apart from their role as caregiver.
TIPS
How do we avoid the slippery slope of SIM?
- Listen to and stay engaged with those around you.
- Understand and look for the signs of Self-induced Martyrdom in your caregiving.
- Pay Attention to your reason for being involved in caregiving. Are you getting more of a “kick” out of your caregiving that the patient or family member?
- Take a break and let someone else step in while you spend some time just being yourself.
- Finally, if you suspect that you are sliding into SIM, find a trusted friend or counselor and talk it over with them.
RSS Feed