General Information – Becoming InSoul with Our Relationships
In the first Self-Care Note on relationships I asked about how our remembering someone makes us feel? Sounds rather straight forward, doesn’t it! Our feelings about someone seem to be a basic bit of information. We should be able to answer that question off the top of our head. Unfortunately, feelings have very little to do with any part of our head. Feelings live and breathe and fill our soul, not our head. And this makes feelings much more complicated than we generally want to admit.
The head tries to boil our feelings down to descriptive words like mad, sad, glad. But the vocabulary of feelings takes many pages of three columned, tiny, single-spaced words and short phrases. For most of us, that vocabulary is very limited. Yet we all experience multihued feelings that leaves us shrugging our shoulders when we try to describe them. Therapist are talking more and more about “Emotional Intelligence” (in my opinion a poor description of the study) to describe this struggle we have with feelings. (See the link below for a Wikipedia article on the topic.) I prefer the term, InSoul to describe our ability to identify and address the feelings that rise from deep within our soul.
InSoul, or Soul Awareness, is a skill that takes time to learn. We all feel our feelings. But to be able to identify and acknowledge them requires an intimate contact with our inner lives. We may tell ourselves that we feel a particular way because others expect us to feel that way. We may convince ourselves that we are experiencing a feeling because it is in our best interest to do so. Or we may refuse to admit that we are feeling anything at all because to do so would make us vulnerable to others and perhaps open us to a flood of uncontrollable emotions. It takes more than feeling our feelings. We need to be able to accept responsibility for them. We need to be InSoul.
There is a great deal that needs to be said about being InSoul but my space is limited. I will leave you with three brief thoughts to help you consider your own ability to be InSoul.
First, your feelings belong to you. No one gave them to you. No one caused them. They rose within your soul because of who you are, who you were, and who you are becoming. Own your authentic feelings. They are your most human side.
Second, recognize that you do not control your feelings. You cannot make them or make them go away. They are a fact of your very being. Feelings happen and there is nothing we can do about them. Ignoring them will not make them go away. They are still there waiting for an opportunity to express themselves.
Third, we can control how we respond to our feelings. We cannot stop the anger, but we can control how we express it. By accepting the responsibility for how we express them, we can minimize the damage that they can cause and maximize the benefits they bring to a healthy, well- lived life.
To be InSoul in a relationship is to be able to identify and respond appropriately to the feelings that are stirred within us during a relationship. Healthy, life-giving relationships can only develop when we are InSoul.
The head tries to boil our feelings down to descriptive words like mad, sad, glad. But the vocabulary of feelings takes many pages of three columned, tiny, single-spaced words and short phrases. For most of us, that vocabulary is very limited. Yet we all experience multihued feelings that leaves us shrugging our shoulders when we try to describe them. Therapist are talking more and more about “Emotional Intelligence” (in my opinion a poor description of the study) to describe this struggle we have with feelings. (See the link below for a Wikipedia article on the topic.) I prefer the term, InSoul to describe our ability to identify and address the feelings that rise from deep within our soul.
InSoul, or Soul Awareness, is a skill that takes time to learn. We all feel our feelings. But to be able to identify and acknowledge them requires an intimate contact with our inner lives. We may tell ourselves that we feel a particular way because others expect us to feel that way. We may convince ourselves that we are experiencing a feeling because it is in our best interest to do so. Or we may refuse to admit that we are feeling anything at all because to do so would make us vulnerable to others and perhaps open us to a flood of uncontrollable emotions. It takes more than feeling our feelings. We need to be able to accept responsibility for them. We need to be InSoul.
There is a great deal that needs to be said about being InSoul but my space is limited. I will leave you with three brief thoughts to help you consider your own ability to be InSoul.
First, your feelings belong to you. No one gave them to you. No one caused them. They rose within your soul because of who you are, who you were, and who you are becoming. Own your authentic feelings. They are your most human side.
Second, recognize that you do not control your feelings. You cannot make them or make them go away. They are a fact of your very being. Feelings happen and there is nothing we can do about them. Ignoring them will not make them go away. They are still there waiting for an opportunity to express themselves.
Third, we can control how we respond to our feelings. We cannot stop the anger, but we can control how we express it. By accepting the responsibility for how we express them, we can minimize the damage that they can cause and maximize the benefits they bring to a healthy, well- lived life.
To be InSoul in a relationship is to be able to identify and respond appropriately to the feelings that are stirred within us during a relationship. Healthy, life-giving relationships can only develop when we are InSoul.
Tips – Fostering InSoul Connections
Have you ever sat with someone who was deeply upset and you began to feel you stomach tighten? Have you ever shared tears with someone who lost someone deeply important to them? It is an unstated fact that many times emotions are contagious. We begin to experience the sensations and emotional states of other people’s feelings when we have a close, empathic relationship. This sharing of feelings is a key to the closest relationships we have but can also be shared with others to whom we relate in a meaningful way. This soul-to-soul communication makes it imperative that we develop a keen awareness of our own internal state. It leads to a better understanding of ourselves and of those around us. It promotes meaningful relationships and helps us to avoid destructive relationships. Our tips this week will offer ways to get in touch with our own feelings and the waves of feelings that come out of empathetic relationships.
Developing Soul Awareness
What is my body saying?
Next time you are surprised by your reaction to someone or something, do a quick body check.
Is my face or neck flushed and hot? Are my fists clenched? Am I leaning into or out of the conversation? Is my mouth dry? Are my eyes leaking? Am I standing slumped or fully erect? Is my breathing increased? Is my stomach tight? Am I smiling?
What might these physical facts say about my emotional state? Am I surprised by what I thought I was feeling and what my body is suggesting?
Developing Empathy
Watch a TV drama with the sound turned off. Pay attention to the story and observe the actor’s physical actions. Silently name the emotions you are observing. Pay attention to how your body is reacting to these actors and the conversation taking place in your own mind.
For some people empathy is second nature. For others, it is an acquired skill. If you find yourself struggling to empathize with others return to the exercise on developing your own soul awareness and seek to better understand your own emotions.
Developing Soul Awareness
What is my body saying?
Next time you are surprised by your reaction to someone or something, do a quick body check.
Is my face or neck flushed and hot? Are my fists clenched? Am I leaning into or out of the conversation? Is my mouth dry? Are my eyes leaking? Am I standing slumped or fully erect? Is my breathing increased? Is my stomach tight? Am I smiling?
What might these physical facts say about my emotional state? Am I surprised by what I thought I was feeling and what my body is suggesting?
Developing Empathy
Watch a TV drama with the sound turned off. Pay attention to the story and observe the actor’s physical actions. Silently name the emotions you are observing. Pay attention to how your body is reacting to these actors and the conversation taking place in your own mind.
For some people empathy is second nature. For others, it is an acquired skill. If you find yourself struggling to empathize with others return to the exercise on developing your own soul awareness and seek to better understand your own emotions.
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