General Information - Mind and Relationships
We use language to capture and recall memories in our minds. These memories become foundations of our relationships. If we have a bad first impression of someone then it is unlikely that we will develop a close relationship. But, if our later contacts are more positive, they may overwhelm that initial memory and we could end up marrying them. (Sounds like a TV movie, doesn’t it!) Memories that grow out of our experiences with people are held and processed in our minds.
However, a memory is more than a narrative of what happened. It is a re-lived experience that is colored by the remembered sensations and feelings that surrounded the event. We remember far more than we can easily recall. A new encounter that occurs in a hurry because were late for work may be tainted with a feeling that the person was holding us up. The relationship never grew because of a negative first impression. It may be further shaped by a memory of the time the boss chewed us out for being late to work. Every relationship is made up of remembered stories about previous encounters with the person that has been shaded and shaped by all kinds of other memories.
Every relationship develops through remembering. At first, the relationship grows out of a pre-story or prejudice. We like blondes or dislike people like that annoying cousin. As we come to know someone, this pre-story changes and it becomes their story. Their story grows with each encounter as the mind makes connections between stories. This “storyline” then becomes the foundation for the feelings that create the relationship. The more intimate the relationship, the more finely tuned are the memories and storyline.
Learning to be more attentive to these “storylines” is to be InMind of those who are part of our lives. By being InMind of our relationships we are able to nurture those relationships that bring us joy and step away from those relationships that take away our joy. Those relationships that become part of our lives join in to the internal conversations we have with ourselves, even after they have left us physically. Relationships are integral to the human spirit. Good self-care requires that we be InMind of those relationships that have the most influence over us.
However, a memory is more than a narrative of what happened. It is a re-lived experience that is colored by the remembered sensations and feelings that surrounded the event. We remember far more than we can easily recall. A new encounter that occurs in a hurry because were late for work may be tainted with a feeling that the person was holding us up. The relationship never grew because of a negative first impression. It may be further shaped by a memory of the time the boss chewed us out for being late to work. Every relationship is made up of remembered stories about previous encounters with the person that has been shaded and shaped by all kinds of other memories.
Every relationship develops through remembering. At first, the relationship grows out of a pre-story or prejudice. We like blondes or dislike people like that annoying cousin. As we come to know someone, this pre-story changes and it becomes their story. Their story grows with each encounter as the mind makes connections between stories. This “storyline” then becomes the foundation for the feelings that create the relationship. The more intimate the relationship, the more finely tuned are the memories and storyline.
Learning to be more attentive to these “storylines” is to be InMind of those who are part of our lives. By being InMind of our relationships we are able to nurture those relationships that bring us joy and step away from those relationships that take away our joy. Those relationships that become part of our lives join in to the internal conversations we have with ourselves, even after they have left us physically. Relationships are integral to the human spirit. Good self-care requires that we be InMind of those relationships that have the most influence over us.
Tips – InMind – Tending to your Story Book
Healthy relationships foster love and trust within us. To be InMind of our relationships is to be able to identify and cultivate relationships that bring us greater capacities for love and trust. As long as a relationship makes love and trust possible, then we can simply ride the wave. Continue to celebrate and foster that relationship. Keep themclose and InMind. But, when a relationship begins to create feelings of distrust or apathy, it is time to take a couple of steps.
Forgiveness
Forgiveness is NOT forgetting a bad experience with someone or telling them that it was okay that they hurt you. Forgiveness is seeking to let go of the pain they caused you. You will still remember the event. But you seek to find ways to release yourself from the pain it causes you. You do this by re-membering the relationship.
Re-membering
Spend some time with the memories in the relationship. Let those memories lead you. Perhaps you can find new insights into why they behaved as they did. This is not to excuse them for their behavior but to understand and re-frame your own response to them. If we are abused by an alcoholic, we may find it easier to let go of the pain by understanding their alcoholism. This does not mean that they need to step back into the relationship, especially if the person remains an active alcoholic. But that insight becomes part of the story and enables us to release much of the pain in the memory. We have re-membered the story.
Look at your list of folks that you hold in the circles of your life and ask yourself if they help you to love and trust or do they foster distrust and bitterness or apathy.
Do you want to be InTouch with any of these people? Do you want to draw them closer? If so, then bring them InMind. If not, then move them farther out.
Look for the pain they cause you and explore the possibility for the need for forgiveness.
Re-member the stories and look for ways to re-member their story?
If you have relationships that cause you deep pain, I suggest you seek out a trusted friend or therapist to help you re-member the story. This process is never easy but it can help you build a community of loving, trusting people around you that will help you to grow in joy and hope.
Forgiveness
Forgiveness is NOT forgetting a bad experience with someone or telling them that it was okay that they hurt you. Forgiveness is seeking to let go of the pain they caused you. You will still remember the event. But you seek to find ways to release yourself from the pain it causes you. You do this by re-membering the relationship.
Re-membering
Spend some time with the memories in the relationship. Let those memories lead you. Perhaps you can find new insights into why they behaved as they did. This is not to excuse them for their behavior but to understand and re-frame your own response to them. If we are abused by an alcoholic, we may find it easier to let go of the pain by understanding their alcoholism. This does not mean that they need to step back into the relationship, especially if the person remains an active alcoholic. But that insight becomes part of the story and enables us to release much of the pain in the memory. We have re-membered the story.
Look at your list of folks that you hold in the circles of your life and ask yourself if they help you to love and trust or do they foster distrust and bitterness or apathy.
Do you want to be InTouch with any of these people? Do you want to draw them closer? If so, then bring them InMind. If not, then move them farther out.
Look for the pain they cause you and explore the possibility for the need for forgiveness.
Re-member the stories and look for ways to re-member their story?
If you have relationships that cause you deep pain, I suggest you seek out a trusted friend or therapist to help you re-member the story. This process is never easy but it can help you build a community of loving, trusting people around you that will help you to grow in joy and hope.
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